Indecisiveness and Depression

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goddess0728
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/7/2007 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey all

argh I hate this depression today. I hate my issues. I am so sick of dealing with it all!

I am doing better, I have a great therapist and I am starting to see why I have the "triggers" I do. But I hate that I can't take the "depression" element out when I try to make decisions.

For instance, my job. Should I leave and try to find another one? that thought alone makes me groan in the anticipation of interviews, mailing resumes, etc. But I can't figure out if I SHOULD leave, because this environment isn't healthy for me-My therapist is helping me realize a lot of similarities between the way the Pres-(male) and the VP-(female) treat me and the way my parents treated me as a kid - not asking how I feel about something, piling things on me without asking if I have the time, treating me with little respect, the vp snapping WHAT?! when I have a question, basically not considering the fact the I am a human being like they are..or maybe I SHOULD stay, because here is another situation where I should stand up for myself and demand respect, start saying no etc. Really deal with my issues and things that trigger them.

So then I go through this dance in my head: well it's not healthy, so I should leave. But am I leaving because I am so screwed up I can't handle this job? If I didn't have issues would I still want to leave? Or should I stay and hope that the fact that I am changing will change the way they treat me? and around and around....til my head hurts. I just don't know if I will ever feel respected by these people.

Add in the fact that last Wednesday I had a panic attack during an office meeting. This has never happened before, but it was so bad that I actually ran to the bathroom and threw up..the boss sent me home, think he thought I had the flu or a bug..I thought I was having a heart attack. After I left work I calmed down in about 20 mins.

I wish I could make a rational decision about what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening.
“Good counsel failing men can give, why? He that's aground knows where the shoal doth lie” - Benjamin Franklin

“When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.” - Kahlil Gibran


CBTgirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 149
   Posted 8/7/2007 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Talk to your therapist about learning CBT, I think it would help you and you would gain confidence and not worry so much about what other people think about you. You can't change other people but you can change yourself and feel good about you regardless of what others think about you. People pleaser's are seldom happy for long stretches of time, I know I used to be one myself. Also you are 'shoulding" all over yourself in this post and that is one of the triggers of anxiety that CBT can help alleviate.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/8/2007 4:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Goddess
I am going through the same thing! I too know that my job environment is not healthy,I am having anxiety and panic attacks during the drive to work.
It is a scary thing,but I think it would be scarier if we didn't have a job while we were looking for a different one..plus I think it is easier to find a job when you can say that you have got to give your current one a 2 week notice. I don't know why but it seems as though it is.

Let us know what your decision is,and good luck!


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


goddess0728
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/8/2007 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
>>>plus I think it is easier to find a job when you can say that you have got to give your current one a 2 week notice. I don't know why but it seems as though it is<<

It is Shy, you are right. Thanks for your reply and support

I was rather emotional yesterday when I wrote my post and I feel like I didn't explain myself well...what I was trying to say is can I EARN their respect? In other words, I feel like I am already starting at the bottom of hill, and I have to pedal uphill to earn their respect (pedal=act differently, say no, etc). I don't know if I want to stay and keep pedaling, or go elsewhere and start from scratch.

Part of me feels that I should stick it out because in the end I will respect myself more because I worked through a problem and didn't run away. The other part of me is thinking about how the former office manager made the same amount of money that I do NOW, did a fifth of what I do (I found the job duties sheet she typed up) and she didn't have reception duties as well (at the time there was a separate receptionist). I can't get my work done at times because I am on the front desk and have constant interruptions. I am being told that once we move to the new office they will take me off the front desk and hire a receptionist, but I think that this will get postponed for various reasons (we don't have the money, we need to hire a draftsman first, etc). I just feel that anything I need will be put last.

And the still somewhat passive aggressive part of me wants to leave and have them all struggle to adjust to a new person who doesn't know that Janet likes decaf and Gary likes reg, that Gary needs to be reminded about appts 10 times, etc.

I'm going to try to let it go for now and talk about it next week with my therapist.
“Good counsel failing men can give, why? He that's aground knows where the shoal doth lie” - Benjamin Franklin

“When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.” - Kahlil Gibran


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/8/2007 8:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey goddess, It sounds like you have alot of responsibilities and are very frustrated eyes .  I feel for you greatly as I used to have a job just as you have described...too many things too do to and no help or support from my supervisor who just kept piling stuff on top of me.  I managed 2 psychiatric care facilities for 11 years...it was tough and in the end I got burnt out and did end up leaving.
 
In my opinion here I dont think the main issues are with you so much but with your supervisors and lack of communication and support your getting from them.  For those of us who do take ownership in our jobs and try to complete tasks as expected it is or can be emotionally difficult to handle when we are unable to finish something.  I am the exact same way.  We take pride in what we do and want to know we are doing a good job, not falling behind, are able to keep up with what is expected of us.  This is what makes us comfortable in our work and even content to stay at one job position for longer periods of time.
 
As for the supervisor that responds to you with "What?" when you say something, maybe think of a nice way to address this with them.  This is not an appropriate way to speak to anyone as I am sure you know...and can tell it bothers you greatly.  It would me too.  Maybe they have so much on their mind they dont realize they are responding in this manner but it is still rude and if you bring it up I dont see that there would be any reprucutions from it.
 
Then I would make a list of all of the duties that you do on a daily and weekly basis then ask for a meeting with the supervisors.  If they are aware there is a shortage of help already then you can give them your list and address your concerns of having not enough time to complete your regular duties because you have to cover reception and are interrupted all the time.  If they dont respond in kind to this then I would say it may be time to look for another job.  It would surely show you that they have no care or concern for their employees or the amount of responsibilities they have.
 
Stay strong dear :-)  

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


goddess0728
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/8/2007 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Elisha

thank you thank you for the support. I have actually printed out your response to help me make rational decisions. All of your suggestions were excellent and is helping me to organize my thoughts better, and it helped confirm some ideas that I had already but was not confident enough to decide if they were the right thing to do.

This is short because I am at work but please know you have my heart felt gratitude. You've given me a little push at just the right time.
“Good counsel failing men can give, why? He that's aground knows where the shoal doth lie” - Benjamin Franklin

“When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.” - Kahlil Gibran


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/8/2007 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   

You are most welcome goddess.  I supervised 16 employees while in my management position so I picked up a few things. 

Keep us updated :-)


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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