Singer69 - Seeking help for depressed wife

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els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/8/2007 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I just wanted to let you know that your previous thread was locked due to its length and having so many posts on it.  When they get that large it gets so hard for other members to navigate it.
So please dont think there was anything wrong at all.  You are more then welcome to continue your topic here or even start a new thread for it if you like. 
Take care :-)

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/9/2007 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
No problem Elisha. Thanks for the explanation!

Singer69
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Wifeofdepression
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 144
   Posted 8/9/2007 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Rick,
Dont worry. We will continue to find you! tongue  
 
Hope all is going well for your family this week. Hopefully it is a carousel ride and not a roller coaster ride this week....
L

Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/9/2007 8:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks WCC!

Things were poor yesterday, but by last night they were good. Today wasn't bad, so we'll see.

You know, it's hard to type with your fingers crossed...

;-)
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/11/2007 5:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Singer69~
Depression will always be a part of your life but love will see you through!!!  Trust me i know this dont give up and know that you are not fighting her you are fighting that monster called depression! 
 
She is just the unlucky cardholder to the game of life when it comes to depression just as so many of us our.
 
I know that you are a great guy and that you really love her......KEEP IT UP, KEEP THE FAITH AND NEVER, EVER LET HER GO because of the depression.  Take it from someone who lives with not having that special one in her life that was beat down alot by my depression.  I miss his love and strength so very much on a daily basis, especially when  I am really down and feeling alone.
 
Just make sure that she keeps up on taking care of herself and that you take care of yourself.  You guys will make it I just know it!!!
Hugs to both of you!!!
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/13/2007 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Teresa.

It's just very difficult to deal with it from this side when she doesn't even admit that she's got a depression. Well, she admits it, but believes that it's "situational", meaning that it's because she's married to me and living in this house with five kids, etc. Oy. It's not easy dealing with it with that perspective.

I am hanging on and I am trying hard to be there for her, but she's not in a place to totally open up to me. She still sees me as someone else that is part of the problem...I think. I'm really not entirely sure to be honest with you. She keeps a lot inside.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/13/2007 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Rick, hang in there and don't give up on her. All you can do is encourage her and hopefully one day she will seek some therapy to talk about her issues. Keeping it inside is the worst thing right now, so suggest to her to journal her thoughts on paper. Or maybe join an online depression support group (not HW, as this is your place to get support) so she can talk to others,.read their posts and see that she really isn't alone, and learn more about depression, enough to open her eyes so she can see she DOES need therapy. Is she on any meds?

Anyway, right now she isn't ready to see the monster that is staring her in the face, it's much easier for her to blame you for how she is feeling. Problem is, YOU are not responsible for her feelings, she is. But, the depression has taken over and it's warped her way of thinking, handling situations, dealing with people.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/13/2007 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning rick,

I am sorry that things are up and down at your home.  I continue to follow your postings and wish I had the magic answer. Would she consider using an online Mental Health group of her own or would she not like the idea?  It might be good for her.

How about a blog, as some of the A & P members are using blogs to act as their journals and to just get it out.

I am not real familiar with setting one up but many people here are and possible you know how too.

I keep you in my prayers and I am sorry to see you so sad.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/13/2007 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Red09:

Thanks, I appreciate your feedback. I really wish that she'd seek out some sort of support. I've suggested other web sites, but she is more of a private person (even though I've told her that it's anonymous) and doesn't want to talk about herself and what she's feeling. Unfortunately, she isn't a writer (meaning, she won't journal), so my suggestions there have been for naught. She told me recently that her mother told her not to write anything down that you don't want on the front page of the newspaper, so that's where that comes from, I think.

She really isn't ready to face things. She'd honestly rather just give up and move on by herself and divorce and split the kids up, etc. than face things. I told her today (not the first time) that it's okay to ask for help. I told her that everyone needs help once in a while and she can trust me to be there for her. She took that as me being condescending. !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What do I do with THAT?? She's my wife. I didn't say that to someone on the street for Pete's sake. That's the place she's in right now. EVERYTHING is crap to her. Even when I point out nice things such as a tender moment we've had recently, etc., she has to crap on it by saying that she didn't feel the same about it and that's just the way I saw it. Ugh. It's frustrating to have every single nice thing just torn away from me because she doesn't want anything nice right now.

I do know that I'm not responsible for her feelings. But I'm responsible for how I react to her actions and words. That's really what I've been looking for support here for, to be honest. I spoke to her psychiatrist last week because she told me that they no longer need to see her. He told me that she has to want to change and get better. He suggested that she continue, but that I can't make the appointment for her. When I told her that, she got upset with me for talking to her doctor. She didn't even address what he said. She simply said that she's fine.

Kitt,

Thanks again for your ((HUGS)). I look forward to them!!

I really wish that my wife would reach out. She just feels that she's in a bad situation (she's not) and just wants out. Now, after trying to be nicer to me the past few days, she's telling me that when she's nice to me, she pays for it later by having anxiety attacks. Wow. Passive aggressive much?

Funny enough, I got really upset today and said that she's just going to have to suck it up (not those exact words) and just be nicer to me and wear her wedding ring as long as we're under the same roof (she's taken it off and refused to wear it recently) and act like a wife and mother until she can afford to do otherwise. I normally don't say things like that to her because I want her to show her own initiative, but I was pissed at the way she's been treating me and how she turns everything good into something negative. It was as if she actually responded better to me telling her what to do.

I've been saying to her that she's got to take initiative, but she doesn't. She sits around watching TV in our bedroom ALL day and doesn't interact with our 2 1/2 year old. She leaves everything up to me and our older kids. I did all of the laundry and cleaning today and have made all of the meals for weeks and weeks now. She just doesn't do anything on her own. If I went into the bedroom and told her to cook dinner, she'd get up and do it without arguing with me. She just doesn't know how to do things on her own like an adult.

The thing is Kitt, I don't want a sixth child. I want a partner in my life. Someone to share things with - good and bad - and someone whom I can admire and vice versa. If she can't get herself out of this fog, what can I do? She refuses to take medication or to see any more doctors. She won't read up on her affliction, she won't share it with anyone - anonymous or otherwise - so she's basically checked out and only gets strength from "talking" about leaving me and getting a reaction to those words from me. I also believe that she doesn't want to share her story online because she's afraid that people will tell her to get help and not to run from her marriage and family. She's in a place where she doesn't want to hear anything that goes against her running instinct.

Oy, I'm getting tired and frustrated just writing this!!

;-)

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/13/2007 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick-

Unfortunately, your current situatin is one of the reasons why unions end; meaning, the partners have completely different beliefs and the one that has the depression thinks exactly as your partner is thinking, while you are aware of reality.  Like others have said; it is not her that you are fighting and frustrated with, but the selfish illness that has caught hold of her. 

On a positive note (as positive as you can see it), the episode is not permanent. At some point, it will end.  It's if it will end before your union with her ends, that's the question I guess. 

I can sense some strong anger and resentment that has built up inside of you, and believe me, no one can blame you as it is well justified. 

Have you looked into the support groups for friends and family of those with BP/Depression?  The two groups I attend supply much needed comfort while I go through this journey with my partner.

Why don't you IM me when you get a chance and we'll talk more about this.

Breathe, be well (as much as you can be right now),

WCC


After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/13/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rick,

I've been reading some of your posts over the last while and I have to commend you. You have a lot of love and maturity. As well as it seems, a lot of amazing insight. I guess it might not help to hear that, as it doesn't change your situation, but I do feel that from what you share here, you are really doing more than many men would in your situation.

These are just my thoughts from the little you've shared. Your wife's mom telling her not to share anything she doesn't want plastered in the newspaper? Yikes!!! I have to wonder if her mother told her that, what else she told her. I mean I wonder if she didn't get many messages as a child telling her that she better keep her stuff to herself, and so basically never really learned to deal with her emotions, because perhaps she wasn't allowed to really have any in her growing up family environment? Hence, now as an adult, she doesn't know how to understand what she is feeling, and so blames others.

If your wife's background is anything like mine was - very dysfunctional and learning to shut down in order to survive - then you see, this becomes a survival mechanism. Like you say, she's 'running.' It might be all she knows to do right now. But because you are there, she can't run. And therefore she preceives you as the problem. In reality, you are a gift, because you are forcing her to look at herself, but she is not dealing well with that is it doesn't feel safe. THat's what I would think anyway. She is faced with the triggers that bring her in touch with her own fears of intimacy and trusting someone.

It could be that she is even hiding something from herself - that her depression is caused perhaps from a repressed trauma or childhood that was unhappy, and generally, close relationships are what bring all sorts of emotions to the surface that she is wanting to push away because of the painfulness of them.

She sounds scared. When she reaches out to you and then says she pays for it with an anxiety attack after, it sounds to me it's because she feels she is betraying herself. I.e. the message is: "If you are soft and trust him, (or anyone) you'll be hurt again. Trust is bad." So in order to be loyal to herself, to her inner belief system, she feels the need to push you away. But then she hurts you. So she tries to be kind to you. But then she betrays herself by acting outside of her inner believe system/survival mechanism. So it's a catch 22. THis is simply what it's like for some survivors of bad childhoods - myself included. I've worked through all these dynamics in my own life, and am just shsaring in case some of it might be relevant.

Until she finds the courage to get help, she will likely keep blaming you and others. I know in my past, before I understood where all my fears etc. were coming from, I would break up with guys. And there was one beau in particular. I was so in love with him, but every time we'd get close I'd find myself breaking up with him. Pushing him away like that gave me a temporary release from all the anxiety I was having. I would feel in control of my surroundings again. Intimacy in my mind translated as 'Unsafe, bad, danger.' But I didn't know that at the time or why I was breaking up with him. It would be over totally illogical things - like how he dressed or the kind of music he liked etc. It's like everything he did looked 'wrong' to me and was blown out of proportion in my mind until I would break up with him, hence pushing away the trigger - and then I'd feel at peace, and lo and behold those things no longer bothered me anymore. (So we'd get back together, until I'd have to break up again because my anxiety would be running too high again from the closeness we would be recovering.)

I keep feeling like she is really running from herself. She sounds really scared to face what is inside of her. She may or may not even know what is there. If you know anything about her family history, it might help in order to put some pieces together. I just pray that whatever lies are keeping her from being able to share her story will lose their power over her mind and that she WILL open up and get the help she deserves to have. I hope it will happen before things go too far downhill. I would love for you all to have a happy ending together.

Have you ever thought of asking her in a tender and non-threatening tone: "What is it you're scared of? What is it you're running from?" And assuring her she will be safe if she tells? I think if you ask that question, with wisdom and care at the right time, it may just be a key to speaking directly into the core issue she is having. SHe might not feel safe enough to answer you initially. But if you can ask the question, maybe it will break the ice where those things are locked inside, and start a thawing process, one in which she will begin to ask herself that question, and hopefully over time, feel safe enough to tell you or someone what it is that she's so scared of. Just really be sensitive and speak to her heart, not just to what seems to be on the surface. She really needs to feel safe - if she feels safe, she'll stop running. If you speak to her heart, not her head, but her heart, and in her language "What is it you're scared of" - it might register inside her enough to initiate a process. I see it like her hearing her name whispered for the first time in the deep place of her heart where she is hiding.

All the best, manyembers

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/13/2007 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick

Being "encouraging, loyal", taking long walks, etc, can be helpful but if your wife is seriously depressed, those things won't help much.

There are many different kinds of depression. There's the kind that comes from loss of a loved one, which is usually temporary, and the kind that can drag out for years and years. I think if a person is involved in lengthy, unhealthy periods of depression, then a spouse may have grounds for divorce. A person this depressed that does not seek professional help will most likely stay depressed. There is no way to "cure" depression that does not involve hard work. A person can not "force" their spouse to stop being depressed. I found out recently that friends of mine are getting divorced because of an issue a lot like this. She was constantly depressed and would not get help. It was not for lack of love that they divorced, but they had become more like room-mates instead of spouses. After time, it becomes unfair to the other person who wants a fulfilling, healthy relationship.  This is just my thinking by trying to put myself in your place.

I know you only want to be in a loving relationship where you are equal to and appreciated by your spouse. Having no relationship may be better than an abusive or neglectful relationship. You worth  more than that.

I just pray your wife will see the light and accept that she has Depression. She needs help but if she won’t admit it you may have to think of you and the children’s well being for now.

Many ((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) and take care of you.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

Post Edited (stkitt) : 8/13/2007 9:05:16 PM (GMT-6)


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/13/2007 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
manyembers:

WOW. You make some very keen observations. Your story sounds VERY much like how she is with me. She moves close and then has to ruin things with her words to move away, only to move closer again after things settle down. That's the roller coaster that I've been riding the past few months.

Funny enough, I told her today, "I just can't ride this roller coaster anymore." Her response? "WHAT roller coaster?" OY.

I wish that there was something I could say that would get through to her, but as you said, I'm the one she's moving toward and away from, so she won't listen to me. I truly hope that she can make a breakthrough before it's too late for us. We really have a great family. Our five kids absolutely love each other and I love how we've raised them. I'd hate to see the kids get split up.

Your insight is spot on. I have absolutely said to her in a very calm, caring voice exactly what you suggested - funny enough, as recently as last night. She doesn't respond. She either doesn't know or she's buried it so deep that her brain won't let her access that information. She refuses to see another doctor or therapist, so I'm not sure what I can do for her.

This is so very difficult.

Thanks again for your insight. I really appreciate it.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/13/2007 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rick,

I like to believe that somewhere inside she heard your question - really 'heard' it, and the love in it too. I'm sorry that so far she's not been able to respond. I can only imagine how painfully difficult it is for you. I don't have any more suggestions at this point, but I will say a prayer for you all. I still have hope for your wife and you both - it just sounds like you are farther along in the journey of understanding etc. than she is. God knows what she needs in order to be drawn out of her shell - and sometimes life brings things along to shake us and help us look at what we need to see - that's what happened to me. Anyway, I wish you guys all the best, and I'm really glad you found such a supportive community as this one to come and share. You need that - an outlet and support. I find this a very kind place to hang around too.

And there is one thing you can still do, if you're open to it: Pray. Or perhaps, "keep praying." :0)

Take care, manyembers

PS - Okay, one more suggestion ... and encouragment ...keep watching and waiting for those times when you can ask that question again - maybe using different words - but keep asking. Over time, maybe it will click inside that you really DO want to know, really DO care or whatever it is she needs to start trusting... And also, concerning something you wrote above, there ARE times you need to set boundaries and simply lay down the law a bit. That is actually quite healthy.

One thing though about how she responds to that: i.e. how she seems to like being told what to do or needs it - again sounds like as a kid she was really controlled? If there's any way you can help her to realize taht she has a choice now and help her to learn to think for herself - I mean, just in how you word things - the former beau I mentioned above would actually say to me: "Don't just do something because I want you to. I want to know what do YOU WANT?" I was like 21 at the time and it was revolutionary to realize this person actually wanted me to use my choice even if it wasn't the choice of what he wanted. Seriously, having it spelt out to me like that was revolutionary. I wouldn't say to take this exact approach with your wife, but I'm just getting at the principle of realizing she may not even know from the inside 'how' to actively make the choices she wants if she has been shut down a lot growing up. I'm sure you'll find your way with all this in your own way. You guys have had 5 kids together, so you obviously have done some good work together over the years to make it this far...just keep trusting your instincts as it sounds you've got very good insight with your precious wife.

sincerly, mb

Post Edited (manyembers) : 8/13/2007 11:27:59 PM (GMT-6)


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/13/2007 11:16 PM (GMT -7)   
manyembers:

Out of curiosity, what was it that finally woke you up and gave you the right perspective?

I agree with you that this is a very supportive place. It helps me tremendously.

Thank you for your insight on this. I do feel that she is confused as to how to make decisions for herself. Unfortunately, the path she has chosen has thrown me under the bus, so to speak. When I say things differently (hoping to get something to click), she says that I'm being manipulative. I tell her that if by manipulative, she means that I'm trying to elicit a positive response, then yes, I suppose I am. But it's not in a negative way. I'm simply trying to get through to her and hopefully save her from ruining our family and her own future.

I tried to talk with her tonight about what you said and she sat there and listened. When I asked her what she thought, she asked if I was done and left to sleep on the couch. She's in her own world. She's disconnected from me. She doesn't care anymore. I told her that I'm not going to live like this where I'm doing everything I can for her and she's simply treating me like dirt while expecting me to do everything that I do financially and emotionally (just tonight, she got home from her new job and wanted to talk to me about how here evening went) for her anyway.

I'm done with this person. This isn't my wife. This isn't the person I fell in love with and had children with. She's clearly zeroed in on me as her problem in life and she's just going to have to leave and deal with the consequences if she is (as I believe) wrong.

This entire thing is sad. I'm angry and sad at the same time.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Post Edited (Singer69) : 8/14/2007 2:01:21 AM (GMT-6)


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/14/2007 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,

I believe that you are correct. She is depressed and will not admit it. According to her, she's depressed because of this living environment. You'll all have to trust me that this is a loving home with five GREAT kids who are sweet, get along great, and have been putting up with a lot these past few months. I have been tip toeing around my wife and her "issues" for a long time and she's not responding the way I hoped she would. She's angry and bitter and depressed and she's pointing her anger at me.

I really do want a loving, equal relationship with her, but I am convinced at this point that she is incapable in the state she's in. I am withdrawing my stance as a temporary door mat and forcing her hand. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not, but - as you said - I can only take so much before I start to feel as if I'm entering a depression myself and that CANNOT happen - for me or my kids.

The tough part is going to be the custody of the kids. She doesn't have a place to go and she expects to take the kids with her. I've explained that I can't let them go with her if she doesn't have a place for them and she tells me that she wants them more than 50% of the time. That's simply not going to happen. I want them 100% of the time (with her), so 50% is the absolute MINIMUM that I'll allow her.

Thanks again for the kind words of support. I'm sorry that I missed your latest posting earlier. Not sure how that happened, but I do apologize.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/14/2007 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
If you want to talk or vent Rick...I'm here. IM anytime today okay.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/14/2007 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rick,

So sorry. You've done so much hard work, but as you know, she has to want to change. Some people are eager to receive help and others, for whatever reason, don't want it or aren't able to take it. I have to admit, that for me, I was always wanting to grow and change and know the truth about things - even if would be hurtful or hard. I wanted to do the work. I was hoping that deep inside your wife woudl want that too...only she knows I guess.

So what woke me up...years and years of watching myself, lightbulb moments along the way and then being in a bad relationship which shook me so hard, that some childhood trauma that had been repressed began to surface. I just wanted the truth, wanted to do right in life, and kept pressing in on my journey to emerge, and bit by bit answers came. But again, if your wife has decided to shut down, then I guess you need to look at what is going to be best for you, because it takes two people to make a marriage work.

I wish you all the best, and I am still praying that your wife will find her way out - however things go. And I pray you and your kids will also come through this time into a happier season - however things go.

take care, manyembers

Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/14/2007 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   
manyembers:

I'm the same way you are. Even if I have to rip myself down to nothing, I'm always wanting to make things better for myself and those around me. My wife is NOT the same as we are. She's decided that our marriage and our family and our home is the reason for her depression (when she admits that she's depressed) and that if she gets out of this house, she'll be just fine. I don't believe that for a single moment, but what can i do?

I truly wish that my wife would have the same lightbulb moment as you. I am at the point where I have to think of me and my kids. It's tragic, really. We have five great kids. They love each other and the older kids just dote on our 2 1/2 year old. It's a really great family. I wish my wife could see that before it's too late.

Thanks again for your words. You are a very insightful person and I found many incredible insights in your posts. Thank you for sharing your very personal experiences.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/14/2007 9:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Rick,
 
I have been following all of your posts.  I don't think anyone would have had the patience you have shown for your wife.  It is obvious that you love her very much.  But, what you are doing is clearly not working.
 
I can't imagine how any mother, even though depressed, could ignore a 2 1/2 year old child.  I'm not fussing at you, but by allowing this behavior to continue to go on in your household, it is sending a message to all of your children that what Mommy is doing is o.k.; that it is a normal way to live.  You don't want them to grow up and carry this kind of behavior over into relationships in their lives.  You don't want them to marry someone and treat that person the way your wife treats you.  You want them to grow up and have happy lives and get married and have children of their own.  And I know that as good of a father as you are, you are going to be an outstanding grandfather one day.  You will spoil them like crazy.  Believe me, grandkids are great. 
 
In my opinion, I think you need to tell your wife that she either needs to get help, serious help, or she needs to move out and you need to talk about divorce.  Maybe this might be enough to get her to seek help.  If not, you need to follow through.  If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for those kids.  Remember, this is just my opinion.
 
How old are your other children?  Is the 2 1/2 year old a little girl or a little boy?
 
You know we are all here to support you.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/14/2007 11:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Carla,

Thanks for your comments. I do love her very much. It's feeling like a curse right about now. ;-)

I will say that she's not ignoring the baby when the baby is around her or asks for attention. She is just in her own world and doesn't seek the baby out for interaction. She doesn't go above and beyond the things that she has to do for her. That is classic depression. She is a good mom normally, but she's not herself. I'm not trying to defend her as much as I'm trying to view it with the right perspective.

The 2 1/2 year old is a girl. She's the greatest little kid in the world. I just love her to death. She's smart, beautiful, and very outgoing. She loves her older siblings and they love her.

That's part of my dilemma - I don't want my kids to think that this is the way you handle problems, meaning how my wife is just running without getting help or working on our marriage. Thinking about grandkids makes me sad right now. My wife and I have always talked about having giant family gatherings (with five kids, the potential for grandkids is pretty amazing) for Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house and having all of our grandkids running around us. It's something I've always wanted. With her.

I do plan on talking with a new therapist (one that was recommended to me by a friend). If I can get an appointment with her (she's supposed to be a very straight forward lady who doesn't pull punches), I'm going to tell my wife that I have an appointment for us and that she's going - period. I think that she'll go.

Besides the 2 1/2 year old girl, we have a 9 year old boy, an 11 year old boy, a 13 year old girl, and a 15 year old girl. They are all on honor roll, get straight A's, socially they are doing well, too.

Thanks for the support - I really appreciate it. I really do.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/15/2007 4:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Rick

I think that is the best decision that you could make for your family. I am worried about the kids, depression affects them too,and they often walk around wondering what they did wrong to cause the parent to go into depression.

If it is at all possible,see if you can get some family counseling that would involve your kids.


Stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
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"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/15/2007 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Shy. I am looking into that. I do check in with the kids a lot and I have simply explained that there's a lot of stuff going on right now and I watch how they are. They have been troopers. They have been handling things by keeping themselves busy and playing with the baby. I have been taking them out of the house as often as possible. I took all five kids to the grocery store last week - it was hilarious. The baby was walking around trying to shop while the two boys corralled her and the two older girls (13 and 15) did price comparisons to get the best deals. They had a blast. Cheap entertainment at the grocery store.

I did sit my wife down last night and told her that she had two choices: 1) If she's leaving, she needs to leave or set a date to leave or 2) If she's staying, she needs to start going to counseling and stop threatening to leave. She's mulling it over (I'm pretty sure she's going to elect to stay all things considered). We'll see.

Stay tuned.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 8/15/2007 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
When I'm depressed my sweet hubby says lets go to see Dr Larry,you need him right now.So we go.
I trust hubby with my life.
SnowyLynne


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/15/2007 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Rick

A new day has dawned and I hope it is a good day for you.

I am glad you had a meaningful conversation with your wife and have put the two choices out there for her to make up her mind. I am wondering if you set a realistic time limit for her to make up her mind about which way to go? I would be careful not to push her to hard but pick a time and stick to it.

The children are very important as they will be confused and scared. It sounds like they are real great kids and are pitching in to help out now. However, many children of divorced families do not manifest problems until they are adults.

If you grew up as a child of divorce, you may find yourself asking: Why am I so afraid of conflict? Why do I have such a fear of commitment? Why am I always waiting for the “other shoe to drop,” even at moments of success? You may be surprised to discover how common these feelings are for children of divorce, especially as they get older.

At this point, I believe that your wife should be involved in working with the children too, as she sould be expected to  share the problems and confusion that the children are experiencing.

Sometimes children will behave in a way they think will make Mom and Dad stay together.  They will do whatever it takes to be good and make you love them and stay together.

Now, onto you, are you ready for the worse to become a reality?

An important first step will be  in recognizing the obstacles you are likely to encounter and the choices you must make, so that the pathway out of divorce need not be one of dissolution but one of healing and ultimate fulfillment.. I know you are trying not to think about divorce as a reality, but keep some thoughts on the back burner on how you will make it through if this is the final outcome.

For the time being, I believe that you are on the right track, but taking care of you is your number one job because if you fold, it looks like the family will crumble at your feet.

You have my support and gentle hugs. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

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