Think I Lost A Friend

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sr14225
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/9/2007 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I've been dealing with depression for quite some time. I can't have children and nobody can tell me why. I seeked expensive fertility treatment. I got pregnant once, but then had a miscarriage. Needless to say, I was devestated. I seeked comfort from a guy friend. Nothing romantic, I would just e-mail him every once in awhile. He was a good listener and made the effort to respond to my e-mails. We used to have conversations after rehearsals, but this bothered his girlfriend so we don't talk much anymore. I understand her concern, but I was only interested in conversation. I talked to other people as well. Still, I'm not sure if it was a good idea to e-mail him. For some reason I ended up telling his girlfriend that we e-mail and he got really upset with me for telling her. This is so confusing for me. He's tried to defend the friendship numerous times to no avail. they've even had arguments over the two of us being friends. After a few years of this, I finally had enough. I verbally let him have it. Part of me was upset, frustrated, and confused, part of me thought that if he shifted the blame from his girfriend to me then this would help his relationship with her. I went through this pattern of self-destruction partly because I felt responsible for their arguments and that he was better off not being my friend. I regret how I made him feel and I apologized. I asked him to give me one more chance and to not give up on me but he said he thinks he already has. I waited a week and sent an e-mail apology. He said that a friend would not intentionally hurt another friend. He also said that he didn't hate me but listening to the emotional rantings of two females (me and his girlfriend) is more than he can handle. I keep thinking, would he give up on me if he was really a friend? I know that I screwed up and I'm not going to send him personal e-mail anymore. It was wonderful having someone to talk to, but it's placing too much stress on him. I'm very depressed right now because I don't have any friends. I try to talk to my husband but I think that he is getting sick of listening to me. I try to stay active, but nothing seems to help. Do you think that sending my friend a "I'm sorry" card would be a bad idea? He doesn't want me to stop by or call him because he doesn't want to upset his girlfriend. I can leave my address off of the card so that she doesn't know that it's from me in case she gets the mail, but still, maybe mailing a card to say I'm sorry is a bad idea. It's just that I have using e-mail, it seems that sending a card would have more impact. My friend has his own problems. His girlfriend is half his age and he just got divorced. He has problems with his youngest son and he (my friend) had brain surgery a few months ago. It took 6 years for his girlfriend to meet his family and that's only because they were all at the hospital during his surgery. I made him feel shame for having a young girfriend and for cheating on his wife, even though his wife has wanted a divorce for years. Still, it's none of my business and if I really wanted to be a friend I would let him live his life without condemning him. He never judged me or condemned me no matter how pathetic I was, but I really let him down.

Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/9/2007 8:58 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like to me you need to give him some space since he has made it clear how he feels right now.  I have to ask, are you real sure you are not wanting more than friendship from him?  You know it may cost him his relationship if he continues his friendship with you as close as it was before.  Is your husband aware of your friendship with this other person, if so, does it bother him.  I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help you figure out what you are really doing and what you really want.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


CRANKY 1
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Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 8/9/2007 10:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey SR14225,

First of all, welcome to the Depression board.  You will find people here very sympathetic and very willing to share their insights with you.

Just a few hints when making a post.  It is much easier for board members to read your post if you break things up into paragraphs.  We don't mind long posts, but it is much easier to structure responses to your questions and thoughts if things are broken up in chunks, and punctuation is always a plus.

Now for your situation.  Becoming dependant on the support of a male who is not your husband isn't really a good idea.  It seems that your "friend" has had to back off because of his relationship with his girlfriend.  You were pushing his limit, competing for his time.  Basically, after a period of time, he had to choose between supporting you emotionally or honoring his girlfriend's wishes.  From the saga you explained, you have become quite territorial with this friend.  He chose his girlfriend, and you have not been able to graciously let him go.

You are still protesting this "dismissal", fighting to keep in contact with him.  Sending a card to him just screams of your unwillingness to accept his decision.  The deceptive way you explained what you wanted to do regarding the card, shows a complete inability to respect his wishes.  Just face it.  He had a choice, you lost, and you are mad as hell about it.  You have no control over him, and it bugs the heck out of you. 

If you can't transfer this need of support back to your husband, I would suggest some marital counseling.  Your husband may be tuning you out now, possibly because he sensed of all the effort you put into contact with your "friend".  You questioned what a "friend's" behavior should be, but your were expecting way too much attention from this other man. 

You mentioned that none of the fertility specialists could explain why you haven't been able to have a baby.  I sincerely doubt they couldn't give you a basic diagnosis.  Perhaps you just didn't want to hear what they had to say.  It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with your husband, and maybe the tension had something to do with things not working normally.  A lot of people end up pregnant soon after they stop working so hard to conceive. I believe that GOD sometimes intervenes in this kind of situation, only allowing things proceed once the environment is right.  Just my opinion.

I hope that some of this has been helpful to you.  I recognize that sometimes I see some things as very black or white.  I have given you the best insight I can, and I hope you don't take anything I've said negatively.  It was not intended that way.

Let us know how things are going.

Leigh Ann cool


Basic info:
  • On Disablility for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 42, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Lexapro, Klonopin, Wellbutrin, Migranol, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Skelaxin,  Phenergan, Chantix, Iron Pills, PROHIBITED FROM ALL NSAIDS
  • Current Problem: Internal Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/10/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
SR

I too wanted to welcome you to the forum.
Everyone has given you excellent advice.

I was thinking about the "other side" as far as his g/f. I would probably be questioning the actual relationship myself if I found out my b/f was emailing and talking to another girl.
If they were married it might be a little different as far as the trust factor,but you have to remember that a relationship has to build trust,and she might have been freaking out.

Is there a family member or another friend that you can turn too for advice?


Please stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Zoloft,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
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"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


sr14225
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/10/2007 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I really am unexplained. It happens. It's called unexplained infertility. I've had a number of tests and everything turned out fine. This happens to other people as well, not just me. They don't know as much about fertility as you might think. A lot of it is still hit and miss as far as how much fertility drugs to take and so on. As for the friend, I was more concerned with e-mailing him too much. I really don't demand his attention when I see him at rehearsals. I've tried to let go in the past and I'm not sure why he didn't encourage me. He seemed somewhat reluctant for me to change.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/10/2007 7:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi

I am very sorry you are having problems. I agree with Cranky that it seems to happen once you stop trying.

Good luck and keep us posted


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Zoloft,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 8/10/2007 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't post much on HW, old time member, but still read time to time..

Listen to what the others are telling you about your male friend. Maybe in afew days, come back and re-read their advice...It will make more sense to you.

If you feel you're emailing him too much, then you probably are. Also, why are you waiting for him to encourage you? Why not take control instead of letting him decide? Do you put this much effort and concern into your girl friends? Really just seems that you're putting alot of energy into a friendship with a man who has told you and shown you in actions that he needs space and doesn't want any drama. Sorry to sound harsh, I don't mean to sound cruel, my intentions are heartfelt.

Focus your energy on your husband, get to marriage counselling and make your marriage better. Whatever is missing from your marriage, some needs that aren't being met, is probably why you're seeking it from your male friend.

Maybe in time, you and your friend will talk again, and if that happens, it might be a good idea to get to know his girlfriend, be her friend too, that way she doesn't feel threatened by the friendship and won't feel like she has to compete with you. Also, include your husband, let him meet your male friend so HE doesn't feel left out. Who knows, maybe all four of you will become buddies.


Again, I am sorry if I sound harsh.

One more thing I'd just like to add. You said "I keep thinking, would he give up on me if he was really a friend?" My response to that is, if he has to choose between friendship with you and his girlfriend, he's going to pick his girlfriend. Just like you'd choose your husband over friendship with him (I hope!) if your H asked you to end it.

Good luck and keep posting.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/10/2007 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello

You have received much wise advise and I agree with all.  I feel you need to let go as this friendship is not something this man wants to continue and yes your blowing up at him and forcing him to choose was a mistake but we all make mistakes.  Also if neither of you were able to tell your S.O. about the friendship that is sad, and I know it is never easy to let go, but in this case it will be best for you.

Special hugs to you

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/11/2007 5:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Once again I agree with Shy~
 In my humble opinion, this was a friend that maybe was not a positive support for you.  If your emailing back and forth was something that was taboo to other people that cared about you, then obviously there is a problem.  The first major thing with any important relationship is TRUST!
 
If you guys have always been friends and then he starts seeing someone and considers it a secret that he talkes with you on the computer by emails than there are issues there that he has in his life that may not be healthy for you.
 
Being a firefighter for many years and being married during that time in my life was a tighrope for me.  My first marriage my ex constantly harrassed me about the time I spent at the firehouse and if i was a minute late coming home from a call, i was screwing someone.  My second marriage was totally different and i was supported 100% and we even did things with the guys from the firehouse, in fact I had developed a great friendship with one of the guys and we were best of friends, my husband had no problem with that friendship and trusted me because of his security in our marriage.  In fact my buddy ended up marrying my female best friend!!!
 
I guess what I am trying to say is this....I think that you can have friends of the opposite sex, the difference in stance I take however is that none of my male friends I have had were never intimate partners!!  They were friends that I held out of that realm and yes there were "friends" that in less than subtle ways tried to be more than my friend and those were NIPPED in the bud!  I didnt tolerate a "friend" wanting to be a FRIEND if you know what I mean.
 
If this person is married and feels insecure with the ability to  stay in contact with you, there are more issues than you need to involve yourself with.  I think that if his gf or wife knew all along about the relationship the two of you have had and that it was ok for him to establish a relationship with a woman that is significant, I dont know call me crazy but if I was the gf/wife and you were not a secret from the beginning I would have no problem with you staying in contact with him.   I would be secure in the fact that if you and he were to the point were I should be jealous, then why would I be in his life in the first place?
 
I hope that makes sense, I know i tend to ramble sometimes.
 
Basically friends are a dime a dozen but great friends have no secrets especially when it comes to having a relationship with you and their significant other.
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 8/11/2007 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Leigh Ann, I know we have discussed this before or that I have at least posted to you regarding this very same issue.  It is apparent that you prefer that people post a certain way however, this is NOT a forum rule.  Members are allowed to post in any manner, format, font, color that they wish.  This is why the Admin has included these options on the boards.  I am truly sorry if some of the members posts make it difficult for you to read...some of them are hard for me to read, as I am sure it is for others.  BUT, in the future please do not dictate to others on how to post.  This is only going to make people upset and drive them away from Healing Well which is the very last thing we want to encourage.

Thank you ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 8/12/2007 10:02:35 AM (GMT-6)


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/11/2007 9:26 PM (GMT -7)   

SR14225, People can have friends of the opposite sex and it is only friendship.  I am 56 years old and my best male friend is a guy I graduated from high school with.  I know that I can call him any time day or night and he would be right here for me.  He and his first wife divorced about six years ago.  The year after that, Johnny, my friend, ran for a public office and asked me to be his campaign manager because I had a lot of political experience.  His entire family worked on the campaign.  To back up a little, when they were going through divorce, even though Johnny was the one who was my friend, I remembered what it was like going through divorce, I called Gail, his ex-wife several times and invited her to go to dinner, a movie or a ballgame and she always had an excuse.  When I started helping him on his campaign, she started a rumor that of course, spread like wild fire that I had broken up their marriage, which was totally not true.  We were not even dating.  The rumor was all over town and of course Johnny and I were seen together a lot because of the campaign.  I could have stopped helping him, but I chose to hold my head high and keep on doing what I was doing since I was doing nothing wrong.

After the campaign, I did write her a letter letting her know how painful and uncomfortable her rumors had been for me.  I reminded her that I had tried to reach out to her.  She tried to deny she had started any rumors, then she did own up to the fact that she thought at first that we were having an affair, but she knew now that wasn't true. 

Johnny remarried about three years ago and I am crazy about his wife.  She understand our friendship.  He helped me move back in December and would help me with anything.  His wife, Melanie knows she has nothing to worry about, that we are just friends.  Johnnie and I would do anything to help each other, but I would never ask him to do anything that would upset Melanie or sacrifice their marriage.  I wouldn't respect him if he did.

I'm just not sure that is the kind of friendship you are wanting from your friend.  I agree with the others, maybe you need to put this energy into your marriage.  Do you really want to cause your friend to lose his relationship with his girlfriend?

Take care!

Carla

 

 

 


Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/12/2007 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Ummmm, I have to say that I agree with faithfully here.  It doesnt sound like this guy has been totally honest with his gf about your relationship with him.  If he was why would she get so upset about it?  And I would have to question his motives also in being able to just come out and say either "enough" or "we are going to stay friends".  As much as you feel bad about it all, and want to stay friends in my opinion I would just let the situation drop.  It sounds like trouble and would only cause more should it continue.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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