Seeking Advice - Visiting BP boyfriend having episode

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wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/9/2007 8:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Greetings All tongue
 
I posted a thread up here called "My Bud, My Love...One junk of a funk". 
 
I'm posting this as a means to seek advice.  After reading my last post to give you a background on my situation, my boyfriend is currently experiencing a depressive episode.  This is the first time I this has happened while he and I have been seeing each other romantically.  We live in different states and fly back and forth to be with one another.
 
To try and not make this so long,  as much reading up and research I have done to understand what a person goes through, everyone is different and mau experience the episode differently.
 
I'm flying out to see, to stay with him at his place next week.  I am scared as I have not been aroun dhim and do not knowtotally what to expect.  I'm assuming I am just going to go there and not put any pressure on him but rather just be at the house for whenever he may feel to reach out. 
 
Does anyone have advice on what helped you get through your episode?  Were there things that were much more of a hinderence rather than what helped with positive progression?  Can you give me any advice as to what some things I might be up against?
 
My boyfriend has already told me that when he goes into a depressive state, he completely withdraws from friends and family; doesn't speak to people he is usually close to.  the phone goes unanswered, text messages and email don't get a reply and he will usually sleep and lazy around the house till it passes. 
 
So far, I've been told that I may need to prepare myself should he tell me he wants me to leave.  This hurts and is going to tear me up big time.  But I will just have to take it.
 
Thanks for any advice you can give me.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 8/9/2007 8:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Howdy,

I'm fairly familiar with bipolar disorder.  I grew up with a BP cousin who had wild swings to the point if he was way manic, he would not sleep and became delusional.  One of my best friends now is also BP.  I would love to give you the benefit of my experience, but it's critical to know if your boyfriend is on any medications for his condition.  Let us know so we can help you out.

Best of luck and get back to us with the meds info.

Leigh Ann cool


Basic info:
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                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/9/2007 11:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wicked

I did post another reply on your previous thread a couple of days ago so not sure whether you have revisited it.

Anyway, in reponse to your post in my experience you just need to keep your expectations very low. Don't expect excitement when you arrive, I am sure he will be happy to see you but you may not get the response you expect. Plus you might expect any of the following, lack of physical and emotional closeness with you, sleeping for long hours, getting up for a short time then going back to bed, very quiet and within himself, he might not really want to talk in depth about anything. Might not want to go out so expect that you might just stay around the house whilst you are there, don't try and push him to go out because you think it might make him feel better. Don't push him on anything as you are likely to get into an argument easily. Depending on his situation he may not be looking after himself very well so don't expect a smartly, well turned out person to greet you at the door, when my hubbie is depressed he bearly even brushes his hear and slops around in the same track pants and t-shirts for days on end. Everyone is different and obviously depends on his personality but you may feel that he is snapping at you when you try to talk to him. All of these are generalisations I know but I have experienced and I am sure others will have as well.

As you have mentioned before if you are going just to 'experience' this period so that you can see what it is really like living with him then all good but don't make him aware that it is an 'experiment' on your part otherwise he will definately feel like all his behaviour is being observed. Be prepared to leave early if it is not working out but I sincerely hope it does :-)

Keep us posted and hope things work out.

Honey Bee

wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/10/2007 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for the responses.

As for medications, I am not sure he is taking any meds at all right now. His Pdoc has him charting his moods in order to re-evaluate his diagnosis. All this happened because he had a breakthrough or burned his meds out a month ago.

We have been friends for a long time before having this romance, so I hope instead of telling me I can't stay with him, he'll at least just let me be there. Tuesday, I'm reminding him that I'm coming by sending him my itinerary. I don't know if he forgot that I'm coming or assumes I cancelled the trip or what, but when I remind him I'm also going to let him know I'm going there but am not expecting anything from him...except to not kick me out of the house.

What do you think I should say to him...how should I say it? I want to let him know that I will be there at the house in case he wants to talk and hang out, but that I am not going to expect anything from him for the few days I'm there. In my head, I imagine that I will just be there to watch TV, read mags, and sleep. Hopefully talk once in a while, but I don't expect he'll be affectionate with me at all. That's okay...just don't kick me out of the house.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/10/2007 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi there

I hope your reception is warm but please be prepared to deal with his rejection as he is depressed right now and he may not want anyone to see him in his current state. I think you are right, just go and be with him. Don't expect this to be a magical cure for him.  Wiill he throw you out?  He may if he is Bipolar.  Please have a back up plan if you are asked to leave his house. Maybe stay at a hotel but let him know you have not deserted him.

I wish you the best and hope your trip turns out ok.............(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/10/2007 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, I know this may sound dumb, but yes, I have been told to be prepared should he ak me to leave...BUT, I already have it in my mind that I will refuse. Yes, I know..bad, but when he tried tp break up with me a month ago when his episode started, I refused and told him that until he is balanced, there will not be any breaking off of anything. He agreed and then told me he'll try and reach out to me since I am standing by him on this. Well, I've only heard from him twice in one month but I'm hoping that refusal to go will show him as well that I'm not going anywhere whether he likes it or not.

He is not a violent verballey or otherwise..far from it, so I am not worried about my safety. But if for some reason, something to that affect does happen, I have a back-up.

ALSO, he doesn't live alone; he has two roommates that live int he house with him. His room is downstairs and theirs are upstairs. So I don't think he'll throw me out.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 8/11/2007 1:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey WCC,

I'm sending good thoughts for your trip. You're a good person for him. He may or may not know that right now, but he will someday if he doesn't. You're doing your research and making sure you are doing the right things. That's great. Hopefully, he'll be able to to accept your visit and make the best of it.

Good luck!

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 8/12/2007 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
UPDATE-WELL I SPOKE TO MY BF TONIGHT TO TALK about MY TRIP OUT THERE TO VISIT HIM. 
 
WE DECIDED TOGETHER THAT I WILL POSTPONE MY TRIP OUT THERE FOR ANOTHER FEW WEEKS, BUT THE DISCUSSION WE HAD WAS POSTIVE OVERALL.
 
HE IS STILL IN THE PROCESS OF BEING RE-EVALUATED FOR
A DX.  HE IS ACCEPTING OF MY PRESENCE AND NOT PUSHING ME AWAY.  HE'LL TRY AND KEEP ME UPDATED WITH WHAT'S GOING ON AND ALSO ACCEPTS THAT I WILL BE SEEING HIM REGULARY STARTING IN SEPTEMBER WHETHER HIS MOOD IS COMPLETLY ALTERED BY HIS ILLNESS OR NOT. 
 
I SEE THIS AS VERY POSITIVE BECAUSE IT SHOWS ME THAT HE IS TRYING TO TRUST ME AND LET ME IN.
 
IT HAS CALMED MY ANXIETY A BIT AND GIVES ME ANOTHER SHOT OF POSITIVE ENERGY TOWARD THE FUTURE WITH HIM.   
 
THIS IS GOOD...REALLY, REALLY GOOD.  I'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED yeah
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 8/12/2007 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi wicked

That is really good news, sounds like a positive step and that you have had a good discussion.

Leaving a little later also means that you will hopefully be armed with more info for the both of you.

Good stuff.

Honey Bee yeah
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