Married to Depression

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chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/11/2007 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Ready to threw in the towel.  My wife has been on depression meds now for years.  And yes she has some good days, but very few.  She has been seeing a number of doctors to get the right meds that work for her.  She is such a pesimist it makes me sick.
 
     Last night she made a scallops for the first time, for supper.  I told her it was good but need to find a new recipt for it.  Wow, she blew up.  I told her i did not say it to make her angry.  i just said, beings that we are new to making this dish that this receipt was not for me.  She does not eat what i eat.  She is a health nut, and i need the calories.
 
     Another issue.  we are suppose to be going to a wedding tonight.  I called my sister whom is going also.  She said i should ask our nephew.  My honey heard that and got upset that my sister did not ask if my wife was coming.  I told her why should she have.  We are married.  Married couples do them kinda things together.  She was just having a cow.  so i told her more or less to kma.  just sick of the chit.  A guy can only put up with so much.  And that was the breaking point for me. 
 
     I know i am suppose to be her mentor.  I have tried everything.  Telling her to let the good Lord take care of this by asking him for help.  Worry about the hear and now.  Say i am gonna get better, just by being positive.  I know it is easier said then done.  I would love for her to be like me.  But, yeah

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/11/2007 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Chico~
I know that living with someone you love that has depression is more than anyone can sometimes bear!!!
I dont know how long you have been maried but i will tell you that depression depending on the severity or type it is a lifetime illness.  It sounds to me that your wife may have clinical depression because of the different meds and docs (lengthy).  Rest assured that she is receiving help and it is not effective, there does need to be a change.  Is she willing to do this? 
 
It is hard to understand that people that have depression have more bad days than good for most of us anyway, and that it is only being patient with her and being supportive to her. Yes there are going to be times when she is more sensitive than others and in those situations, the best thing you can do is pick your battles so that you can win the war.  The biggest thing is too make sure that she is giving it her all if not there is not much you can do.  It is important that your mental as well as physical health be paramount.
 
Good luck to you.
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/11/2007 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to Healing Well chico41, glad to have you join us here.

First let me just say (((kindly))) and from a females perspective, that when I read your post here I didnt see you discussing your wife's depression and what hardships it causes BUT more so common marital problems/miscommunications.

You did mention that your wife "has been on depression meds for years"...My concern here would be that you state that she is seeing several doctors to get her medication right.  In fact she should only have one physician managing her medications.  Ever heard the saying "too many fingers in the pot"?  My suggestion would be to seek out a psychiatrist.  Most people dont like to or resist this idea as they feel this would "label them" but in fact these are the physicians that are most qualified in prescribing antidepressants, know the chemical compounds of the drugs and are most able to keep up on adjustments or changes if needed.  

Yeah a lot of people who have depression are pesimiscit...it just comes with the territory I guess.  I would say that instead of trying to be her mentor you should try to just be supportive of her and let her know that you are there.  Dont try to direct her or change her because that will cause anger.  Depression isnt something you can fix or something that is going to just go away.  It is a medical illness, chemical imbalance that she cannot control and you cant control by giving her suggestions on being positive.  Your different people and going to see things in different ways...it seems that you need to try to communicate with your wife about these issues.


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/12/2007 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the respones.  We have been married now for 3 yrs.  my first her 3rd.  She has been seeing a family doctor for thyroid problems and menapause problems.  She is also seeing a psychiatrist, for her depression.
    We had and aruguement the other night.  At that moment i said some things to her that i do regret.  She said i would be better of without her.  I said no lie and agreed with her.  the next day i appologize because what i said i was very angry at that moment.  I told her that i married her for better or worse, that we would work this out Together.
    As to try and change her by telling her to do certain things, is hard not to do.  Because it works for me i may not work for her.  (which i am finding out).  Slow learner i am.  I just want her FIXED, or should i say put on the right meds.  
   As to the communication.  I am not the best at that. I am trying to change, but it is hard to change whenever I say something i have to be ready to defend myself.
   Will be back later.  have to go back to work.   Thanks again.
    

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/12/2007 10:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey chico, Your most welcome for the responses.  It does sound like your wife is having a difficult time with menopause, thyroid problems which can most certainly trigger depressive symptoms.  I am glad to hear she is seeing a psychiatrist for treatment of depression.

It is very understandable how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed.  I have had depression for a very long time, was in a long term relationship with a guy for 11 years, 5 of those we were married.  We did have some intense arguments and said hurtful/harmful things to each other.  Two years into our marriage I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis so that added to matters of course.  I took more medication and was more moody I guess, things in our relationship had certainly changed and I wasnt able to be as active as I was before which upset him.

He was of the mind that he could fix me, my depression, my MS.  He didnt think I needed to be taking all the medication I was because he didnt see it helping.  Thing was that his constant what I felt was disapproval was what was bringing me down more.  When I tried to tell him that what he was doing wasnt helping it was hurting he never heard it, never heard me.  It really just got to the point where I couldnt and wouldnt talk to him about anything.  I shut down and eventually moved out, filed for divorce.

I had to learn to heal myself and deal with my issues in a constructive manner.  I dont know if I could of done that with him or not.  It has been 3 years and I am in so much of a better place mentally and physically even though I have been diagnosed with another neurological disorder. 

You may not be the best at communication but I give you props for admitting when your wrong and apologizing.  There are so many men out there who dont.  I dont know that you have to change so much as learn about the disease, be patient and try to keep in mind that you are indeed in this together so support each other.  Maybe take her out to dinner one night and discuss how you both need to approach this and communicate with one another.  Hang in there and know we are always here for you.


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/12/2007 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Els!!!  As to my wife (Karen), she does not want to do a thing right now but sit in the chair hold her dog and watch nothing on tv.  we just got back from a 2 day trip on the bikes to Sturgis.  She was great, or should i say ok the first day, the second day i could see her getting in one of her moods.  when she is in them moods she is so far down anything i say or do is WRONG.  so i try to let her go threw it.  I tell her i will be here for her, but not beside her.  she is upstairs i am downstairs.   i told her i am not gonna fight. 

     So as to us going out for supper or a movie or a ride is not even an option.  I ask her and she says no.  i say honey you have to get out.   she hates it when i say that so.  i just leave it alone.  How else do handle this package?  like i say i try to be positive but a guy can only handle so much.  i used to run in relationships, for some reason (LOVE) i am still here.  Don't want to see her running from us or should i say her problem.  

    Shen has been there for me when i went threw hip surgery, and a battle with CHrohns.  Lovely lady with out the disease.  Package deal. 

 
 
Phylosphy in life is.......  Treat People the way you want to be treated
SIMPLE

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/12/2007 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
chico, Phylosphy in life is.......  Treat People the way you want to be treated
SIMPLE.....I totally agree!!!
 
My suggestion on going out to dinner wasn't to just get her out of the house or for your two too have some time away from your problems but to talk in a neutral atmosphere.  At one time or another you both will need to converse on solving these problems together and communicating together, trying to come up with a better way of doing this than what you have going on now.  It is apparent that the communication between you guys isn't working for you now...right?
 
Please remember this is a chemical imbalance you cant gage it especially if she is up one day and down the next.  It isn't your fault and no, I wouldn't engage in any argument or fight with her either.  I would inquire or encourage her to get an appointment or step up her appointment with her psychiatrist soon as it does seem that whatever antidepressant(s) she is taking just isn't effective at this point.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/12/2007 4:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Chico,

Well I agree with all the kind advice others  have shared with you but I do think you need to see a therapist to talk through your frustrations and become educated about  Depression and Anxiety. Just my humble opinion.

In your post you wrote that she was there for you through hip surgery and Crohn's Flair up...........both huge issues for you.
 
She went to Sturgis where there are what 250,000 people. I give her tons of credit for fighting that crowd.  Sturgis just ended, maybe she needs to have some down time.
 
I ride my own Harley but my husband could beg me for a long time before I would get in the middle of that rally.  Kudos to both of you for going.
 
I met the Orange County Choppers crew Saturday night and they opened the truck so we could see the 12 bikes they were hauling.........just a little foot note there :)
 
I know living with a person with chronic illness is not easy. My hubby has had Crohn's for 31 years, is it a Biker's disease? lol
 
Take care and keep posting.  Look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/12/2007 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I didnt realize so many of you were Harley enthusiasts!!!  My guy and i used to ride on his bike when we were together and he goes to Myrtle beach every march with his dad, it brought back alot of memories of those days on the bike, i really miss them!!!!
 
Chico, I have to say that the days when i was really down it did me great to get on the back of that bike to feel the wind and the sun in my face made me feel as if there could be nothing more peaceful.  Like Shy said going to Sturgis had to have been a big step for her.  I think that is great and would hope that she was happy while there with you.
 
I know that my guy asked me to ride on the bike even when i felt like crap, there were times when that was my only salvation.  It seriously sounds as if maybe she needs some modification with her meds especially if riding the bike is something she always enjoyed but doesnt anymore.  That is usually a sign that there is a chemical imbalance.
 
One last thing, dont take her attacks personal, it is the depression talking.  The thing that my guy used to do was to leave me alone when he knew i needed it but held me tight even when he didnt know, try just getting her to sit with you and just hold her.  I hope that helps.
I really feel for both of you.
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/12/2007 7:44 PM (GMT -7)   

OK bikers........Ride On! Teresa, I too love the sun on my face. My therapist always tells me to get out in the sun as people with depression need lots of sunshine.

Chico, can you just take her out on a beautiful day and just be together............nothing special, just soak up sunshine?

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

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