I just need to vent to someone other than myself

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ediekristen
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 8/15/2007 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Do you ever feel useful, yet completely useless at the same time? Like you know people depend on you for certain things and they'd be screwed for awhile if you left, but you don't really feel like they appreciate you at all no matter how much they say they do? Sometimes I want to say just do your own crap and stop delegating it to everyone else, because I don't even feel like doing my own work, much less everyone elses'. But I know I would never actually say it to the people I'd like to say it to; being helpful (or rather, doing other people's work for them) is something I've always done. I'm one of those "project geeks" that people use to do their "group report" so they can get an A without doing any work themselves. I guess the proper term would be door mat?
 
It's sort of self-defeating when you know what your problem is but you're too spineless to correct it. And perhaps it's too late anyway. If you do something all your life and then you change and start sticking up for yourself, even though people say everyone would respect you more, I think they would probably just hate you. Or me, I mean. And even if I knew how to stick up for myself, I would just be too afraid. My stomach hurts just thinking about it- the confrontations.
 
I hate confrontation. It's so much easier to just say "Sure" instead of saying "No" and having to deal with all the questions and badgering. But one favor leads to three and then everyone thinks they can just tell you to do whatever they want and sit on their lazy *** and smoke cigarettes all day and laughing about how they get paid to do nothing.
 
I thought moving out of state and meeting new people would be a great opportunity to be a different, stronger person and start things off on the right foot. Fat lot of good that did me. Maybe if I actually went out and did things instead of flaking out at the last minute and making excuses for my social inadequacy, perhaps it would be a different story altogether. Or maybe not. Perhaps my personality is just inherently flawed and after some time people realize it for themselves and don't want to bother trying. Being close to me seems more like a chore than anything, even for myself.

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/15/2007 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   

ediekristen

Hey, I used to be like you but a good friend at work taught me how to change.

I learned to say , "I am honored to be asked to help with your project but at this point I have to decline do to previous committments.

You do not have to explain yourself, just say no in a polite and assertive manner.

You can learn to do this and then throw away the guilt you feel for saying no and don't change your mind.

Good luck and gentle hugs


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/16/2007 1:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt is right. You just need to learn to say no in "a polite and assertive manner". I know its easier said than done, and I do the same thing as you at the moment. (But I am learning to correct it slowly.) Its never too late to learn to be assertive
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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ediekristen
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 8/17/2007 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know. Right now I'm just trying to decide exactly what everything is worth.

This morning I was sitting in the parking lot at the gas station while my boyfriend went inside for beverages, and I was watching all these ladies going in talking to each other. "Yay, it's Friday! Finally!" "I get off at noon" "I have the day off" "Aw, lucky you! I'm stuck at work all day!" And I realized I sound like that too. Every day.
And I think about the future, and I picture years and years of working, watching the clock, hating my job, always stressed out and in debt. I fear I'll never be able to afford to buy a home, or buy a new car, or travel out of the country, or have a huge wedding, or even have a kid. And sometimes I don't even know if my boyfriend WANTS to get married or have kids- no one in his family ever got married so he doesn't think it's necessary. And if I don't get married or have kids, what else is there to live a long life for? To work every day just to perpetually pay bills? Always being a burden on everyone in my life because I have an uncurable disease? And if I DO "cure" it by removing my colon, that's still a burden to deal with, physically and emotionally. I'm never going to go anywhere exotic, I'm never going to do anything great with my life. I have no real ambitions; I like being an administrative assistant, but how significant is that? Who cares?

I'm just at a point in my life where I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm in a job that initially I loved, but now the people in management have turned into a real bunch of jerks and everyone around me is being affected but I don't have the courage to do what's right and go to HR. I don't eat healthy. I don't exercise. I moved out of state and left my parents and I know they are hurt. I didn't finish college. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck forever.

I adopted a dog from the rescue league which is good, but I think my boyfriend is kind of mad at me about it because he's more of a cat person, and he just sees her as a 5-10 year expense, and maybe he's right. What if she gets really ill and I can't afford the vet bills or surgery? I just see her as a friend, and everyone needs a friend, right? I guess it would be more healthy to have human friends, but at least she'll sit and watch Scrubs with me and there's no worry about awkward silences because I don't know how to conversate well, since she can't talk.

It just doesn't sound fun to live another 50-70 years counting down the hours paying bills and being sick and depressed. This world in general is depressing. Everything is wrong. I don't even have cable because I don't want to watch the news and hear about how the world is coming to an end. I just wish I could see into the future so I could decide if it's honestly all really worth it or not.
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in hip & lumbar region of spine from long term prednisone use

Current Meds:
Primadophilus Reuteri
20 mg Citalopram (for depression/social anxiety)
125mg Imuran
10meq Potassium Cl
 


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/18/2007 12:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I think your being very harsh on yourself. Everyone's job is significant, no matter what it is. Take me for example... I am a cashier for a supermarket. Low skill, low pay and no excitement. I hate it. But If I didnt help people pay for their food, they couldnt buy it. Then they would either starve or steal. Admin jobs are hugely important since it involves processing paperwork and if nobody did it, what would happen?
 
When thinking about the future, sometimes its very easy to allow the present to cloud our judgement. You might get a promotion at work (which usually comes with a pay rise) so you would be able to afford some of the things you want. As for your boyfriend, I would sit down and talk to him about weddings/kids since this is obviously something that you are concerned about.
 
As for the dog... that kinna made me go awwwwww!  I love dogs and I think its great that you have adopted one. Dogs are great for company and they are great for exercise as well. (Which helps with depression) I can understand that your boyfriend doesnt like dogs and prefers cats. We all have preferences, and his concern over the vet bills is real and quite valid. That too is something that you should work out. Can you get pet insurance? Perhaps a small amount each month would be better than a large bill once every 5 years.
 
Most importantly, you need to value yourself higher. Be proud of who you are and what you want to do. Just because its not what other people do or is the 'normal' thing to do, it doesnt make it wrong.
 
Take Care
 
Darren
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Another Day
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/18/2007 9:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Edie,
 
Kudos for getting the dog, especially for rescuing him from the pound.  Plus, you will never have a better friend than a dog and that's coming from a person who has two cats.  I've had the two Himalayans for about 11 years and I love them dearly, but before that I always had dogs.  The last two dogs I had, one lived to be 17 and the last one Jake, lived to be 15.  People kept bringing me dogs trying to help me through my grief, but it just didn't work.  I never thought I'd own a cat, much less two, but here I am.  Well, really, they own me.  A dog loves you unconditionally, every day.  He is always glad to see you and can't wait for you to get home.  A dog knows when you are sick or when you're are sad.  Keep the dog.
 
I agree with Darren, I think you are selling yourself short.  How do you know you won't advance in your job?  I also agree with him about having the talk with the boyfriend and marriage and children if that is something that you want and I would certainly understand that you would.  If it is not what he wants, it's better that you find out now instead of wasting five years and then finding out.  If it's what his family does, it's a pretty good indication that he may not be into marriage and kids.  Don't give up on your dreams.
 
I wish you luck and happiness and little kids to play with the dog!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 8/18/2007 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Edie.

Wow, Im exhausted just reading that! Actually, I know exactly how you feel since I went through all those emotions in my early 20's; you feel lost and unsure and confused. I'll try and give you some advice from my experience without going all Dr Phil on you.

I was an admin assistant for about 5 years and I did enjoy it although it got to the point for me where I wasnt able to be challenged anymore and like you, I wondered what I was doing to make the world a better place just by answering phones and pushing paper around. Im still in admin now and although I get a lot more mental stimulation, I still dont feel like my job is worthwhile to humankind, even though I know it is to the company. I am not qualified to be a nurse or a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher and dont really want to do any of those things anyway, so I look at what I can do outside of work. So, I volunteer at a dogs refuge where I take my puppies out for walks every week. I know I cant contribute anything finanically, and I can only give about 4 hours of my week to them, but I imagine what those 4 hours mean to to the dogs in my group. For that short amount of time every week, they get out of their kennels and can behave like dogs are supposed to and all their worries go away. And the looks on their faces make it all worthwhile. My point is, you dont necessarily need to save the world in your job, and you dont need to do something on a huge scale to change someones life. I dont have any career ambition either, except to have a laugh in my job, work hard and keep learning, and thats enough for me.

If your managers are being asses, say something. Write down what you expect from your job, how you want to be treated and demand it. If they dont like it, find another job. You obviously are an intelligent woman and I really believe that for most people, the days where the employer can push you around and feel like they are 'doing you a favour' by employing you are gone. You are as valuable to them as they are to you; it should a partnership where both you and your employer get what you want and together you work hard to make the company successful.

So, you know you dont eat healthy and you dont exercise. Is there any medical reason why you cant exercise or eat certain foods? If not, change it. Write up a menu plan and stick it on your fridge. Take fruit and vegetables to work to eat while you are at your desk. You should be exercsing your puppy, so go for a walk after work with her in a park; throw a ball, run with her. Thats exercise. It is so easy to get in a rut, but if you can give yourself a kick it is even easier to get out of.

Do you love your puppy? Are you glad you got her? Does she bring something to your life that was missing? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if so, tough luck that your boyfriend doesnt approve. Your dog is not a 5-10 year financial burden to you; she is a friend and I would think worth every cent you spend on her. And a dog will NEVER disappoint you.

I think you need to slow down a bit and to look at things in a different way. Realise that this is life; and yes, crap happens. Every day, in fact. But it doesn't have to make us pessimistic about the world. There will always be good people and bad people and terrible things will happen. But its all a part of our journey here. I have had some horrible experiences, and of course if I had my way I would never want them to happen again, but I found the lesson in them, and once you can do that, you can at least understand why it happens. My turning point came when I was 25, when I woke up and realised that the reason I was confused was because I hadnt done all the things that I was 'supposed' to do that age. I didnt have a degree, money in the bank, a share portfolio, a husband, the white picket fence with my 2.3 kids. And I realised that I didnt actually want all that. My life is about me, not what others think it should be. Now Im approaching the big 3-0, my thinking has totally turned around. I still dont have any of those things, but I love that I am single and have no responsibilities, I love that I am able to earn enough money to live on my own and support myself, I love that I am a strong and intelligent woman, I love that I have beautiful friends and the best family in the world, and I love that I finally love who I am. It took a lot of hard work to get here but it was all worth it, and I really hope that you get here too because it is the best feeling in the world.

You dont 'have' to know where your life is going in order to live it; it could be over tomorrow or you could live for another 70 years. Take some baby steps in order to get things on track; deal with one thing at a time and work out what you want for today. I would really start by getting your eating and exercising sorted out, it makes your head clearer.

Sorry about the length of this; and this was the edited version! I wish you all the best and if you need any more advice, I will give you all that I can.

Kate
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