Never posted here before, hopefully just saying what I need to say will help me feel better.

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Humphrey
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/24/2007 10:38 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't really know where to start.

If you want to know why I am the way I am, keep reading. If you want to know me now, skip this next paragraph. My father grew up in a household full of anger and depression, but I have a hard time feeling bad for him because of the way he physically abused my sister, and the way he emotionally and verbally abused my mother and I. My mother's father was an alcoholic who, from stories I heard, was angry and abusive. My mother is timid and never stood up to my father when I was still living at home. When I was 10 or 11, my sister started telling me that no one loved me, that I was worthless and that I was a mistake. at 10, I believed her. My sister started doing drugs when I was about 11. My parents would leave us alone in the house and she would beat me, drag me around the house by my hair, slap me, etc. Once she handcuffed me to a chair and held a knife to my throat. When I was 14 I had brain surgery and she told me that I was the reason for her drug use. She was in an out of rehab for a few years, and went to jail a few times. My Mom and Dad used to fight a lot when I was home too. and by fighting I mean my Dad used to scream at my Mom a lot. Due to my family, I never felt safe at home. As for growing up, Mom and Dad had their hands full with my sister so I had to grow up kind of fast on my own. I am 22 now, I moved out of that house for the first time when I was 18 and went off to college. I moved back in state and left my parents house for good 2 years ago. I spent a week in an inpatient center for mental health when I was a freshman in high school because I finally told the therapist I was seeing at the time that I wanted to kill myself, and she promptly told my parents. Sometimes I feel that I need to go back there. For the past 4 years or so, I've dealt with pretty much constant back pain due to multiple problems including 2 slipped discs, and my depression has come back full force because of that stress.

Lately I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I am dating this guy, and have been for about 6 months, but I don't want to put this on him, because it became an issue in my last relationship, I don't want him to feel like he has to take care of me, or act like he has to watch what he says because it might trigger something for me. I had an old high school friend commit suicide about a month ago and I was sad but kind of freaked out because I had been thinking about it again (not thinking about doing it, just thinking about it). I saw him the night I found out and he noticed something was wrong and we talked about it. We talked more about it later when I was feeling better and he told me I kind of freaked him out that night because he didn't like seeing me like that, but he really didn't know what to do that night. I don't want him to feel like that again. My close girlfriend tries, and i know she loves me, but she has admitted that she just can;t understand why I am unhappy for no particular reason, so it's hard for her to cope with. She asks me why I can't just be happy.

I have been told all my life that am "the strong one." So I feel like I have to live up to that, be stoic and not let things get to me. But when I lie in bed at night, it's hard to fight the darkness that envelops me and it's hard not to pray for God to just take me in my sleep, because that's a 'better option than suicide."

I was driving home from the movies with my friend tonight and we were talking and all of a sudden, it hit me. That feeling when your soul is being dragged into the darkness. I tried to keep breathing evenly and not let the panic in, but my roommate noticed. We got home, I assured her it wasn't something she said and went up to my room, curled up into a ball on the floor and started bawling. I know she's worried about me and that I should probably head downstairs and tell her I'm okay.

Does depression manifest itself in a physical sense for anyone else? Maybe it's just compounded by my back problems, but I was lying on the floor and it felt like my spine was stretching out my skin and trying to break through. Is this common for anyone else? I wanted to scream it was such a horrible feeling. Not painful at all, just unbearably tense. Sometimes I can't stand being in my own skin.

And by the way, I am a girl despite the name. Humphrey is the name of my giant care bear that I hug when I need it.

Post Edited (Humphrey) : 8/24/2007 11:39:17 PM (GMT-6)


SophiaBella
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/24/2007 11:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Humphrey, welcome to our boards!  I hope you dont just write the one time, and we hear from you again!  I wish I could start the "I have a rotten sister club"hahaha
It sounds like your sister is very very jelouse of you.  You did not have a real fun time in your childhood it sounds like.  You know something strange though, the older I get the more people I meet that have nightmares for families!  Mine included.  But I am not here to talk about me, we need to talk about you sweets!  You said that you went to a mental hospital for a week when you were a teen.  (me too) I am now 44 and back when I went the first time, I was horrified, but I recently went back about a year ago, (I am 44 now) and it was wonderful.  I almost never wanted to leave!  You get to talk about yourself and everyone actually cares!  You go to groups and learn that you are not alone.  To me, at the time it was like being on vacation from all my pressures and stresses at home.  Do you have medical insurance?  You really should see someone about all your unresolved feelings.  I have several chronic pain diseases and herniated and bulging discs too, and yes if you have stress, it is a known fact that it can make you hurt.  Have you ever seen the commercial for Cymbalta?  It talks about depression and the pain that depression causes.  I switched to that anti-depressant over a week ago and I can tell a difference already.  In the other places where people have posted about their pain and had tried cymbalta over half did get releif from thier physical pain.  It is worth a shot in your case, and I think you may be having some anxiety attacks as well.  There are meds for that too.  If you can get a hold of a good psychatrist (sorry about the spelling) you can get your life in order.  You poor thing having to carry all of this pan all alone.  You shouldnt have to!!  Being sad does NOT make you weak, it makes you human! 
 
Please let me know how you are doing, okay!  Dont give up, nono we are here for you too! 
 
Hugs, Sophiabella
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain Disease, Herniated disc, c-5-6, disc bulge at T8-10, T9-10, Arthritis in my back, Diabetic II,  Restless leg syndrome, Severe Depression, Anxiety disorder, bladder issues, stress induced asthma, Frozen shoulder, low back pain, when I stand 4-5 minutes, that starts around my tailbone, radiates up to the lowest part of my back and around to my sciatica. This pain also sometimes causes me to have pain that radiates down my legs to my feet, that feels as though my leg bones are frozen achey cold! (I call it frozen bone) No docs have found out what it is. I also have carpal tunnel, (AND BAD SPELLING DISORDER! (haha)
******************************************************************
meds: methadone, dilaudid, flexeril, zanaflex, cymbalta, lyrica, lipitor,hyzaar, asprin, xanax,actos and furosemide 
***********************************************************
"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger"
 
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/25/2007 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Humphrey

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum. I am very glad that you found us and I know you will find the support that you are looking for.
This is the place to vent,cry,scream at the computer while you are typing and laugh when you finally feel ok. Believe me,I have done all of the above at one point after finding this place.
You have had a very hard life, and I know it is very hard to wake up everyday and not think about it. Those days are embedded in your mind and they will not let go.
The pain,the frustration the everyday tears will always be there with you. They have made you who you are today,even though you really don't like that person everyday.. it is still you,and yes you are a strong person because of it. We all are.

Now,it is time to beat the past and try to make your future the way you want it.
Have you been to the doctor yet? I assume that since you have been in the hospital that you are seeing a counselor ? What type of meds do they have you on? Are they working?

You have your whole life ahead of you. And somehow you have got to beat your past and not let it control you.

I went through hell during my life. I am 37 now,and it was just until 3 years ago that I am able to finally say that I am safe. Mentally and physically.

My mom was a poor excuse for a mother. I went through hell with her...arm broken,trips to the ER,state getting involved. Then her boyfriend molested me at the age of 12,that went on until I finally ran away at 14 and never went back. The I got married at the young age of 17 and he decided that the marriage license was his approval to use me as his personal punching bag for the next 13 years.

I, of course have not told you everything,just the "highlights"...I just wanted you to understand that we on this forum have all went through and alot are currently going through hell and we all understand and never judge.

Keep posting and stay strong.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/25/2007 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Humphrey and welcome to HealingWell,
 
I too would like to welcome you to the forum and I hope that you find all the support you need here. We are a close 'family' and we all help each other.
 
I am so sorry to hear of your childhood experiences. No child should have to go through that and no matter what your sister may have told you, there are plenty of people who will love you. Do you see a psychotherapist in order to deal with your experiences? I am 22 also and I would hate to think that this affected your life to the point where you could not function properly. You should try and leave it in the past if you can and start afresh. I think its great that you went to college and even better that you had the guts to go to an inpatients centre when you needed help. That takes a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself.
 
I hope you manage to work through your depression and keep us posted
 
Big British Hugs
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/25/2007 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Humprey,

We're really glad you have joined us.  Please keep coming back and I'll think you will soon feel like we are family.

I agree that maybe you should be seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist.  I doubt that there is one of us on this board that hasn't and you may need medication.

Most of us have email address if you just click on our names, if you need to contact any of us.  We have people of all ages, so there's a great mix of people.  Please know you are not alone.

Take care!

Carla

 


 Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


SophiaBella
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 8/27/2007 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Humphrey Girl, Where are ya?  We would really love to hear back from you sweets!  PLEASE dont just go away!  I am personally worried about cha!  We are all here if you need us, just remember that okay!  WE DO CARE!
 
Sending you a big hug!!!!
 
Sophiabella
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Myofascial Pain Disease, Herniated disc, c-5-6, disc bulge at T8-10, T9-10, Arthritis in my back, Diabetic II,  Restless leg syndrome, Severe Depression, Anxiety disorder, bladder issues, stress induced asthma, Frozen shoulder, low back pain, when I stand 4-5 minutes, that starts around my tailbone, radiates up to the lowest part of my back and around to my sciatica. This pain also sometimes causes me to have pain that radiates down my legs to my feet, that feels as though my leg bones are frozen achey cold! (I call it frozen bone) No docs have found out what it is. I also have carpal tunnel, (AND BAD SPELLING DISORDER! (haha)
******************************************************************
meds: methadone, dilaudid, flexeril, zanaflex, cymbalta, lyrica, lipitor,hyzaar, asprin, xanax,actos and furosemide 
***********************************************************
"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger"
 
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/27/2007 10:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Humprey,
 
I'm also worried about you.  Could you let us know that you are o.k.?  We are here for you.
 
Hugs!
 
Carla

 Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism

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