wife and depression.

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chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/25/2007 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Ok.  Here it is.  My wife was diagnosed with depression in like the late 80’s.  In the early 90’s she was admitted to inpatient treatment.  She has been seeing a psychologist for a number of years dealing with the past. 

            She is on a number of meds, for depression and anxiety. 

 

             She has been taking a number of drugs, with no such luck, and trying different ones to get to where she is suppose to be.

 

            We have been together now for 6 yrs.  3 yrs married.  Dated for a year in half then she moved in with me after that.  This is in a town where she never knew anyone.  The reason she moved here is because I have a good paying job without any college degree.  She has a degree in nursing.  We have a hospital here 4-7 clinics and a nursing home.  So it would be easier for her to find a job here then I find a job where she lived.  I had a house which I bought before I married her.  It was a bachelor pad.  Nothing updated, but clean and organized.  When she came to live with me we made lots of updates to the house.  Now it is like it is our house.  Looks like a ladies house now.  Flowers outside new bushes and lots of updates on the inside.

            I told her when we married that we would get a new house.  Well that never happened.  She keeps hounding me about a new house.  Man, the way we have been fighting I said NOT now for that reason.  Not a happy woman.  Makes sense to me though.  The way I see it a couple have to at least get along before digging a financial hole.  I am the main bread maker in this house hole.  She used to work 4 days a week now down to 2 days a week.  She says I am the husband I should be the one working.  NOT.  It is a rough and expensive world out there.

             My honey had a bad week last week and made some phone calls to see a psychiatrist.  And could not get into to see one until mid Sept.  so I got  on the phone and pleaded with a secretary, said she would do some searching a few hours later she said she found some on to see us.  She told me the name and I got on the phone to check out how good he was and was told he is very good at what he does.  So she an appointment for us 3 days later.  I told my honey she did not try hard enough.  Ouch.  That was a No no.  So we went in to see him on wed.  Was admitted to an out patient program the next day.  With her consent. 

            Here are a few of her symptoms.  Depression, anxiety (blaming me).  No biggie to me. And a few health issues like Menopause thyroid problem that they are getting under control.

She is staying in a house they provide and I am at home.  This is 80 miles away.  We have a dog so I could not stay with her.  I feel she needs the time to work on the program anyways.  We have been calling each other every night.  Which leads into and argument.  I told her if we cannot talk like to adults without fighting.   I will say goodnight..  So needless to say I say goodnight and  love you.  She comes home last night  (Friday)and tells me she will not be in this house next  summer.  What I heard is DIVORICE.  I assumed, which is wrong.  That was right before I took her to eat at a Chinese restaurant.  I did not want to make a seen.  (SP).   So about an hour later I jump her about that remark.  She said we are going to be moving to a different town.   I tried to explain to here that we cannot due to MONEY.  And me car pooling 3 hours a day.  She is just bound and determined to put us into debt.   I am 47 yrs old and she is 55.  I am not going to be working until I am 65.  I want to retire at 55 due to bad feet.

I could go on and on.  I need to get back to work.  Any responses will be greatly appreciated

djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/25/2007 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Chico,
 
What a nightmare! What you said about not moving into a new house with your wife makes perfect sense to me. There is no point in moving into a new house if you are continuously fighting and she is losing control over her depression. Telling her that she did not try hard enough to get an appointment might not have been the most tactful thing though. At your age (and I dont mean that disrespectfully) a morgage is a big commitment and it is something that she may have to accept is never going to happen. Have you talked to her about the possibility of getting a job where you are now? Which meds has she tried?
 
I hope you get many responses, your story sounds similar to Singer69 and Kiwi000 who are both struggling with a depressed partner. Maybe they can offer some advice
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/25/2007 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks dj.  She does have a job as a nurse at our nursing home here in town.  she used to work 4 days a week.  then 3 now 2 days a week.  as to the meds i will look tonight at home and let you know tomorrow.  they are trying some new ones on her.  Why is it, my fault she has anxiety problems and depression?   She keeps saying it is my fault.  I think not.  My family says we need to be seperated.  i love her and she would have no place to go.  I am not leaving, might not look good later on.  if ya know what i mean.  I told her we are in this together.  don't know how much long i can take this.  I try to live one day at a time. 
            I am by far, a perfect man. 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/25/2007 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Chico,
 
You posted  "I am not leaving, might not look good later on.  if ya know what i mean."
 
No I don't know what you mean.  I am sorry that things are not good between you and your wife.  Isn't this the same lady that went to Sturgis?
 
I agree that buying a house and moving to another city does not seem like the best thing for either of you.  I see a lot of " I am the boss" in your post and she is the "problem."  It takes two people to make a marriage work and right now your wife is ill and needs support.  If she is in a program she is probably scared and perhaps her meds have not kicked in. 
 
Do you think you could become more educated about her disorder and then you would understand where she is coming from right now?  That is only  my opinion and I wish you the best. I am not judging you in anyway, I know you must take care of you too.
 
 
 
 
Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 8/26/2007 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
stkitt.  Yes it sounds like i am the boss.  heck she is the boss.  i just make the big decissions.  like the house.  i have bad feet, which could put me out of a job any day.  so i just want to ready for that finacially. 
as to the drugs this is what she is on today.  Lexapro 25mg,clonazepam 1mg,sertraline 50 mg.  and lunesta. 

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/26/2007 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Chico,

Has your wife tried Fluoxetine (Prozac)? It is a drug that I have had personal experience with (Although I was not the one taking it) and it seems to be quite good. If your wife's depression is still out of control, maybe this is something worth considering

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/26/2007 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Chico,

Good Morning, Darren has a good point. There are many good meds out there and if she is on Lexapro at 25mg she is over the max dose which is 20 mg unless her physician has info supporting  higher doses of Lexapro are now thought to be better. :)

I understand your need to feel financial security as that is just good common sense and your wife is not well enough to be making life changing moves at this time.

I hope you are able to find some solace in the fact that she is willing to seek help as many people will not. Take care. Keep posting as there are many wonderful members here that will listen to you and support you.

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 9/3/2007 1:31 AM (GMT -7)   

Not veryhappy right now.  I had a reply all written up and hit the back button to many times.   argggggg.  Lets try it again

My wife was admitted to a out patient program for her Depression and Axiety disease.  She started 2 weeks ago on wednesday.  She goes from 9am to 3pm.  5 days a week.  The hospital where she is being treated is 80 miles away from where we live.  They have a house where she stays.  Anyday now she could have a roommate, which i think would be great.  Depending on the person of course.  She does not want anyone.  Which in a way i can understand.

My wife (Karen) likes to live in the past.  cannot let go what i said 3 yrs ago.  One couselor told her to live for the hear and now.  I remind her of this and she says he is right but she just can't do it.  I told her that is ok just try it when u think about it.  Yes i do remind her of it way to often. and it is bugging her.  I don't mean no harm by it though.  so i am trying tokeep my big mouth shut.  BIg job for me. 
      The counselor told us which i know that we need to see a marriage counselor.  No lie i said.  BUt we tried that about a yr ago.  to no avail.  I do not mind going back again but, i just want my honey to get better first before we sit threw them class again.  The counselor that my honey is seeing told me i need to get rid of my sarcasam and to learn how to compromise.  LOL.  I do i think.  Lots of ppl that know our situation agree with me.  The counselor does not know the hole story.  No biggie. I know who i am.  and i am not that bad. Not perfect either.   It takes two.  

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/7/2007 4:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Chico
I have read your posts,and I think I might have a different point of view here....
Your wife is looking for ways to get out of the environment that she is in. I think that is the reason she is asking to move. Maybe in her mind if she lives somewhere different then she will be happier.
Is there something there that is a main cause of her depression?
Is she unhappy with her job situation and thinks that in a different town she will be able to get another job?
I understand your concern on moving,but I think that you need to also hear her side and her reasons too.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 9/7/2007 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey ya Shy.  She does not have any friends anymore.  all the ones how were friends, have had enough of her complaining.  she is not from here like i am.  Yes i can understand her reasoning. but, she knew this coming into this marriage that i am from here and have a good job.  We never even mentioned about moving to a different town until recently.

Here is something new.  Now she is in this religious kick, which she wants me to attend.  i do believe in the higher power, whom i choose to be God.  I do go to church but now, she wants to start some clases which go for 10 weeks, once a week.  I am not into this.   should be, but, am not.  I am writting this at work.  In 6 hours i have to go and defend myself.  Not going to be good because she is gonna blame this onto our marraige also. 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/7/2007 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Chico
Would she be ok in going by herself? She is searching for ways to help herself and I think it would be a good idea for her.

Hopefully it works out

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


chico41
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 9/8/2007 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey ya Shy.

 I told her last night i did not want to attend.  i told Karen the night of i would go to check it out.  then i found out it is some kinda bible study which last 10 weeks, which i do not want to commit to.    I told Karen, that i do not want to do it.  She said it would be good for our marriage. She is right but it is not for me. I said go for it honey.  Needless to say, we did not talk much last night.  she is disappointed in me.  No problem. she makes to many assumptions about things. nono     And yes she is going to go by herself.  One thing that really ticks me off about her counseling is, they told her to be more accertive.  And i should be more passive.  NOT.  maybe i am the one that needs to more accertive.   I said i will not become a door mat or a yes man.  i will try and compromise on things.  but not the house. period end of story.  not a good thing there either.  things not to good in our house.  i forsee the big D.  because she wants to move 80miles away.  she is bound and determined for us to move there.  i would love to sit and tell you all the hole story.  from day one to now.  her side and mine, but it would be way to long.  i believe me i would mess it up.   i told her last night i do not need a house to make me happy.   all i need is a rough and a bed.  NOT her though.

 

treat ppl the way you want to be treated.

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