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drgndj
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/27/2007 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, lets see.. where to begin... I am here to ask your opinion whether you think I have depression or not. I will try and give you a short summary of my life up to this point.

Ok, well... I am 19yrs old(I just turned 19 less then 10 days ago) and am currently unemployed, uneducated(one semester of Uni), and unexperienced(work or skill wise).

Let me start a while back.. From the 8th grade onwards, I ended up eating lunch alone for the majority of my school-life. The 9th grade got worse due to teasing and bullying(mentally) mainly during lunch time, where I could be found eating alone(its odd really..its the cause and effect). Anyway, that continued through highschool and later college. To sum up my grade-school experience, I only made two friends that I ever saw outside of school and the rest were just classmates which I rarely spoke with. I had hoped during highschool things would change and I might actually meet some people.. but as you have read, I was completely wrong and everything continued as the years before. During these years, I became a PC gamer and spent most of the free-time socializing on the computer which is fairly irrelevant.

The summer before my first semester of university began, I pumped up all of my confidence thinking that everything would be diffrent when I arrived at university and that I would meet friends and possibly even a girlfriend. As it seems, I was completely wrong. I met three people whom I actually felt were friends and occasionaly(sometimes a day or two at a time, but usually every two weeks) ate lunch and had some great conversations with them. As I stated, I rarely saw them at lunch and never saw them outside of the cafeteria... I might have been naive to think they were good friends but they were friendlier then most people that I came into contact with. The classes during the first semester went well... I passed most classes(including comp sci, which was mind-numbingly hard) except for finite math and fundamentals of electricity. Mentally, everything at that point was decent concidering the lack socialization and I was extremely proud of passing computer science.

It all started going downhill upon arrival for the second semester. During christmas break, I got a new haircut and a few pairs of clothing thinking that might help make my life a little bit better and that it might help to make some friends. Once I went to my first few days of classes, I got restless(lack of a better term) during the classes and every minute dragged on for ages.. after a few of those, I could not stand going to classes and soonafter I stopped attending my lessons. From this point, I informed my parents that I was quiting school which they denied for months and I was forced to live in the dorms while waiting for consent. During this time, I felt guilty for still being at the university while everyone else was going to classes while I was doing nothing...but I had very few plausible options. I had hoped during this time I would figure out what I wanted to do with my life but it never came. After I was finally allowed to return home(5months ago), I became very isolated from the outside world and to this day I am completely isolated.

I always had hope that things would change for the better but they never did and ever since I left the university, I lost all hope and motivation in life. I have never had any goals or dreams for my life and soon, I am expected to go out in the world and do all of the things that are expected of someone in my situation. Since I have been home, I have become extremely sad about my situation and the more I think about my problems and my past mistakes, the worse off I feel. The problems that I have on my plate are over-whelming at times and I end up escaping to the internet trying to take my mind off of my life. I really can not remember the last time that I have been truly happy..I even try my best to look satisfied with how things are going but everything tends to make me unhappy when I am alone. [hm... feelings can be so hard to express... it took me well over an hour to write all of this... I went over it all atleast a half dozen times... ]

Well... I will let you leave your opinion on the matter(though, I will not being seeing a therapist..). Feel free to say, "Get a job" or "Take life one step at a time"... any advice/opinions/suggestions are welcome. Also, I have checked out the survey that was posted in a diffrent thread, so that is not needed.

Post Edited (drgndj) : 8/27/2007 9:22:14 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/27/2007 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   
drgndj

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum. I am very glad that you found us and I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

I would not want to go back to being 19 again that is for sure. My daughter is 19 and is basically lost right now. She is afraid to go back to school,can't figure out what she wants to study. Was out of a job for a few months and was getting alot of grief from her family. She has a cell phone and a car payment.
So,I can understand how scary life is right now. You have alot to figure out. And quite frankly you have your whole life ahead of you. If you make a decision now on what you want to do with your future,and then decide a few years later that you want to do something else. That is fine. I don't think a 19 year old should be expected to have their whole future planned right away.

I am 37 and still struggling to get back on my feet after a nasty divorce. So,it happens to adults too so don't think you are the only one.

Use this board to vent and we will be there for you.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/27/2007 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello and Welcome to Healing Well. I know you will meet many members that have the same problems and issues as you do.
 
I am sorry you are having such a tough time.  I hope you have been able to talk with your parents re how you feel.
 
I would strongly suggest you start with your family physician in  finding the right diagnosis and medications may be in order for you.
 
You posted ("I will not being seeing a therapist..). This is a feeling I hope you get past and I won't suggest that you see one.  However it will block a major source of hope for you by not seeing one.
 
Keep posting and again welcome.
 
 
Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/28/2007 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   

HI there and welcome to HealingWell,

I am 22 and I spent most of my school life (From about age 10) being bullied. It was mostly emotional and I became a real loner at school. When I went to college, I thought things would change but they didnt so I was stuck with the same problem. After 1 year at college, I got bad exam results and so I dropped out for a year. I got a job in a local supermarket and stayed at home. After a year out, I went back to college and started from scratch. Even thought i was 2 years older than most people in my classes, I got on better because none of them knew me so they had no preconceptions. I completed 2 years at college, got my A levels and went to Uni where I have been for 2 years now. I have some amazing friends and I truely believe that taking the year out really helped me. Even though my parents, teachers etc... thought that it was a bad idea, I still did it and proved them wrong.

I suppose what I am trying to say is to persevere with your education. Take a gap year if you need to, and then go back and work your socks off. Things will get better and I hope you can find the strength to find that out yourself. Also, by not considering a therapist as a partial solution, you are cutting yourself off from a major source of help. (As Kitt has said)

Best Wishes

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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drgndj
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/28/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, it is not so much a problem of not caring to see one(though, I am opposed to seeing one.. I am an open-minded person)... it is more of a financial and accessibility problem(we have no family doctors or anything like that, btw).. and also that my family would eventually be alerted to that fact. I made the mistake of telling them my feelings/problems before and I have regretted doing it ever since. So, those are my reasons behind not even concidering that option... atleast until I am fully on my own.........

And thanks for your replies... its helpful to see things from another point of view.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/30/2007 4:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Drgndj

At some point you can't get help until you ask for it. And you can't get better until you seek help.
There are alot of financial programs out there that you can apply for to get help.
If you look up your state on the net,and then something as simple as "counseling help" I am sure you will find something.

Depression does not go away on it's own sadly to say. It takes counseling and sometimes meds.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


drgndj
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/30/2007 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
@djdaz_1985: I appluad your achievement for going back to school, but that is close to out of the question for me. I quit school because of the entire experience there and it the chances of myself wanting to go back, let alone doing so, is very slim. Even if I decided that I wanted to go back, I would not survive a year with my parents... they are just completely unbareable.. I will not go into detail about that. Also, I did not mention this.. but I was expelled(I forgot the term they used) from the university because the first semester my GPA was below the requirement(thus, putting me on "Academic Probation") and the second semester I skipped. On top of that, a very good portion of the money that I used was from scholarships that I had recieved and I am sure they are not happy. Anyway, thanks for the reply.

@ShynSassy: I would like to believe that this is not something that requires medication or counseling to help. Maybe I am wrong, but only time will tell. Even if it was required, would it really make my life better.. or would it just be another way to ignore the problems.

As for my situation... Before any counseling could ever take place, I have to move away from my parents. I am not sure, but I will probally end up taking an offer from my grandparents(step grandfather and my grandmother who are super-rich..) that they will help me by paying for the rent and the opening fees on a apartment for a month in order to help me move away from my parents. Their offer is extremely generous, but I am just at a stand-still right now. Even if I did decide on a city/state(I definately do not want to live anywhere near my parents nor in this state), I still have the problem of finding a job. The only reason I have not already looked for a job is because I am somewhat worried that I would end up like my father, in a dead-end office job with very little joy or satisfaction. Maybe I am just delaying the inevitable here, but I never wanted this sort of a life. Even if an office job was my destiny in life, I am more likely to end up working at an even worse job once I get out in the real world.

Anyway, I don't know... just some more ranting...

Post Edited (drgndj) : 8/30/2007 8:03:23 PM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/30/2007 10:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I know things seem difficult at the moment and I fully understand that. Have you considered taking a year out to work somewhere and build some money up? Things might look a lot different in a years time.
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/31/2007 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Dr


Do what you have to for yourself,only you know the true situation and what can be handled.
Please keep us updated.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


alwayshurtin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/1/2007 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Let me say that the posting was beautifully written and that you are NOT uneducated! I understand the loner feeling as I have gone through stages of this and am currently in one now. I think these times occur for a reason and should be used for self evaluation.

I could write pages of similarities (to your situations) that I experienced throughout my life, but will spare you that for now. :)

There are many, many successful people who have never stepped a foot in a university or who dropped out (Michael Dell and many others that I can't think of), so don't use that as a measuring stick. Some of the smartest people from my highschool either dropped out of college or didn't attend and are doing extremely well.

It could quit possibly be that the timing was not right for you to start college. I know that I wasn't really ready for college right out of high school and that is why I didn't get as much out of it as I could have. I'd also like to make a point that college can be a great experience and a place to meet people with similar interests; but you have to put the effort in to meet people (which wasn't/isn't easy for me either)

I understand the living with parents situation, all too well... I'm not sure as to your reasoning behind it, but it is the way you feel and can effect your mood/disposition greatly. Remember that the things and people with which you surround yourself greatly effect your life, mood and self, but don't let those things define you.

I was in a similar position as you a few years ago and found that I was much happier when I was working. I also met people that I ended up hanging out with outside of work. We all had a few common interest, we liked playing poker and we didn't like where we worked.

Finally as a person who has a degree in MIS (Management Information Systems) I understand that you probably had to spend a lot of time studying for your classes and that really cuts down on the amount of time for socialization. I'm not sure in which field you were studying in computers, but if you are interested in Linux I believe that it is a great field to pursue. There are local "LUG" (Linux user groups) that meet on a monthly basis and te members are extremely helpful and nice. You could possibly attend a meeting, meet some people ("networking" as it is called in the business world) and possibly find a job there!

Sometimes things do need to be taken a step at a time, especially when we feel overwhelmed. 5 successful baby steps is better that one failed giant step. This is something I learned after trying to long-jump, lol.. :)

I hope things start going a little smoother for you. Take care and I wish you the best.

Post Edited (alwayshurtin) : 9/1/2007 8:51:37 PM (GMT-6)


alwayshurtin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/1/2007 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I forgot to mention this in my previous post. I've started reading a book by Dale Carneige, "How to Win Friends & Influence People". Please take a look at the reviews on Amazon.

I've found the book extremely interesting as it describes how extremely sucessful people handle their personal relationships. It is a very positive and inspiring book that has changed the way I approach just about every aspect of my life and I feel much more positive about many areas of my life reading just the first 100 pages. It's an easy and interesting read that I HIGHLY suggest!

Let me know if you decide to read it. I'd be interested in your view point and opinions on it. Also if you would like to talk via email, I made my email available on the mail icon to the left of my posts. Hope to hear from you!
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