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Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
I am alone and drowing in my own thoughts of darkness anybody who can help before i do something stupid please confused

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/15/2007 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark, Welcome to Healing Well, we are happy you found us here and reached out.  Please dont do anything "stupid" this does nothing to solve the problems and it is perment.  Believe me there is nothing that is worth your life and you thinking this way.  I am going to post some links below so you can actually call a hotline if you feel that you are in need of doing so.  Please dont hesitate to pick up the phone call one even if you feel the need to talk things out one on one with someone.  Okay?
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 12:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the reply and linkes I have done the hole thing phoned the hotlines got a number made an appointment but could not afford to see tehm now iam back to square one .I live in South Africa in a small town not alot of options avail i just need to talk to someone so i am not alone right now cant find anybody

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/15/2007 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Dark hold in there for a minute or two...I will find someone for you to call that is international okay?  I am in the U.S. so I understand that these links wont help much for you.  I will be back.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/15/2007 12:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Okay dark, here is a link where you can chat with a counselor live at no cost.... http://www.newhopenow.org/counseling/liveperson.html

Here is a link to Befrienders Worldwide...just put your country in and you can get help numbers from there.  http://www.befrienders.org/  You should be able to talk to someone on one of these links without having to make an appointment with a doctor.  I hope you can and please let us know.  Take care


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/15/2007 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Dark
Welcome to the board,we are very glad that you found us and I know you will find the support that you are looking for.
We are here for you just let us know what is going on.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/15/2007 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dark,

Hi I am Kitt, and if you are looking to talk you have come to the right place.  We are here, and we are open and willing to listen and respond to you in a positive manner.

So please use this site as a place to make friends who know where your coming from and what your going through.

Use the numbers without hesitation if you need them.

Gentle Hugs.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/15/2007 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Dark

I check the forum here about every hour and yes I've been watching this thread since you posted.  Decided I would let you know I'm here to talk to if you need/want.

Doug

 


We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
right now i am in a very dark place i am sure u all have been before and you have managed to get trought it i have been trying but right now dont hink i will make it .I checked out all the link so kindly posted talked to someone and the same story get help been down this road its a dead end so i guess me to.thank you my apologies for wasting your time

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/15/2007 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   

It's no waste of time talking to you dark.  You're right, we all go through times of lonliness and confusion.  Some of us more often then others.

You have half the battle won already by first recognizing where you are right now, secondly by finding people to talk to either right here or on the phone.  Stick with it, don't back down.  You have the strength to get through this.

Every time I check back, I hope to see a message from you...I'll sleep at my desk if I need to.

Look forward to your next message,

Doug

 


We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG sorry i am in my selfpity mode its so pathetic i just want to curl into a little ball and die......havent slept for awhile i know thats making my mood worse ........These moods have been with me since i was about 16 and they have come and gone i have been in the darkness before and somehow i got trough it with out much notice or me hurting myself or ohters to bad....but this last year i havent been able to shake it its just getting worse i just keep hitting brick walls i am turning 36 soon and i cant see the point in living my life like this always fighting the darkess myself ....I cant fix my situation and if i cant fix that i cant feel better........I just dont know what to do but curlup and die

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/15/2007 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm 40 dark and it wasn't till the last few years that I got some resemblace of a nornal life.  Well what other's call normal anyway.  I know it's hard to look out from where you are right now, but trust me, there is light outside of the darkness you're in.  You just need to find that crack in the wall.

Do you take any medication for this?

 


We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
no i dont take medication have never seen anybody about these moods the ppl in my world have always seen ppl feeling like i do as weak or something of plague so i have kept it to my self as best i could been lucky have been alone most my life except for the past 7 years which is a hole other story and it has been hard to hide it the last year i have turned into a growling barking anti social animal attacking everything I can and hidding as far and as deep i can.I use to believe that one day i will be happy and normal but i dont believe it anymore I have never belonged and i dont think i ever will..... I feel so small and insignificant right now........

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/15/2007 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   

It's not much different here.  I spent many years hiding behind a fake smile and pretending that all was good when other people were around.  I didn't want to become an out-cast.  There came a point though, when the damage it was doing to me out wieghed what other's would think.  I went and talked to my doctor and got things started.  Still, I wasn't making this information available to anyone, except my wife of course.  People don't need to know that you are on a medication.  Heck you're taking "man" pills as far as anyone else is concerned.  Nosey people.  The only thing people may notice is you being more comfortable and happier.

You need to take care of you, Dark

 

 


We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for listening and the encouraging words appreacaite it.I need to see if i can get some sleep it 4:15am now the sun comes up in about 45min i know my mood will only get worse from here on if i dont sleep.......but not sure if i will another day another donut.Take care.

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/15/2007 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I will be looking for you later.  Hope you get some sleep.
 
Doug
 
We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/15/2007 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
havent slept much find myself sitting infront of this pc again my only point of sanity at this point.
On the one hand i want to share all these emotions and toughts i have kept locked up inside for so long but on the other hand have always had negative respons to that and rigth now i will litterally break into a million pieces if i get rejected or scholded for being pathetic or being a selfpitying whiner,which is excatly how i feel when i try and express this caos inside....... my logic is telling me there is no point telling strangers how weak you are that there is nothing wrong with me i have just always been spinless and now looking for excuses......

SirFunky
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 9/16/2007 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark,

Just wanted to chime in as someone else who as experienced some of the feelings you are describing (in my own way of course). You are by no means spineless nor is any of what you are feeling your fault. Accepting you have a problem and posting about it here took a lot of courage. It took me years to even get up the nerve to Google the word depression let alone admitting to myself that what I was going through was not "normal" and that I needed help. Feeling that things are hopeless is a symptom of the illness we have decided to call depression and is NOT a sign of weakness.

If it helps any, I too went through some very nasty insomnia and I know how much worse it can make things seem. I think it is very important that you do whatever works for you to try and get more sleep. What worked for me is, out of desperation, I bought a treadmill and would run myself tired (make sure to drink lots of water) a few hours before I wanted to go to sleep. I know you've probably heard the "do some exercise" thing before I'm just saying it really helped me to sleep better. As an unexpected benefit, all that running got me into better shape and improved my mood quite a bit.

There is a billboard here in Canada that says "10% of people suffer from depression... 90% suffer from ignorance." I think that sums things up rather nicely. Forums like this one are going a long way to improving this situation. "Talking to strangers about it" as you said is a very helpful thing in my opinion. For one thing, you have access to hundreds of people from all walks of life who have been there or are there now. Also, a stranger has very little reason to judge you and the anonymous nature of a forum means you are getting honest feedback straight from the heart (I would never be so open with my feelings in person). Take heart that by posting here you have taken a big step in your recovery and you are now on your way! Don't let this thing beat you! I am rooting for you.

SC

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/16/2007 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   

So sorry dark, I did indeed fall asleep.  Awake now, obviously, unless I learned to type in my sleep :-)

Who rejects or schold's you for feeling this way?  Family?  Friends?  People don't understand depression and what it does to a person unless they have had to deal with it themselves.  Depression is an illness.  When you are realy feeling ill, do you go see the doctor in the hope of getting a perscription to help?  It is the same with depression.  Your body just needs help dealing with this.  Believe it can make a world of difference.

Your not pathetic nor are you a whiner, you're reaching out for help and reaching out is a tough thing to do when you've kept it locked up inside of you.

 


We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/16/2007 4:37 AM (GMT -7)   
its ok Thank you for the encouragement i hear what u saying and i want to believe just very hard right now. Life so complicted

Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 9/16/2007 4:42 AM (GMT -7)   
SirFunky thank you for sharing with me and for the encouragement I appreacaite it

Doug Eby
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/16/2007 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   
We're all rooting for you dark, that's what friends are for.
 
We learn by asking
No question is dumb... some answers however, are.
 


SirFunky
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 9/16/2007 6:01 AM (GMT -7)   
You're very welcome Dark,

I too come from a small town and know how it can be. I was raised with my parents philosophy: "Life is hard, stop your whining and get over it!" and "You're a man! Be strong!" This made it hard for me to accept that I had a problem with depression and to start looking for help. Even going to the doctor was hard because he knew everyone in town and I was scared that it would get out and that people around here would think that I was "crazy"! When I finally got pissed off enough about feeling like I was missing out on my own life, I drove to another town and got the medication that set me on the road to recovery. I would drive you myself if I could but South Africa is a bit out of my way ;) In any case, in my experience, medication is not the total solution but rather a tool to enable you to start making changes for a happier life. I do know however that I would not have had the strength to make these changes without the medication (motivation and will power were severely affected by my depression). If going to the doctor is an issue for you like it was for me and you can't get to another town on your own, maybe you could ask a friend to drive you and tell them that you're going to get a rash checked out or something ;) I have done some research on depression and found that it is an illness that was documented and described as far back as the middle ages and it could happen to anyone from peasants to kings and queens. There are treatments available now and for me, seeking them out was one of the best decisions I ever made. Anyway, I am rambling on but please know that I am here for you if you want to talk some more.

SC

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/16/2007 6:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Dark, I am very glad to see that your still posting.  Here in the US many people are still very ignorant regarding depression and the causes of it.  Regardless of the advances of science in this area of study.  I can only imagine how much worse it is in your country of South Africa.

The facts are that depression is a chemical imbalance of seratonin in the brain.  Also, depression can be brought on be external factors early on in a persons life such as abuse, poverty, neglect and low self esteem.  There are also genetic factors to consider when looking at depression too as family history can play a big part into this.  Someone may have grown up happy and healthy but if a parent or grandparent had depression or antother type of mental illness then they could be genetically predisposed to having a mental disorder on down the line. 

I guess if you havent already figured out by now I am full of information on this stuff.  I worked in mental health and also I have depression & post traumatic stress disorder due to an abusive childhood.  I also have anxiety/panic disorder which developed when I became physicially ill with Multiple Sclerosis 6 years ago and have some OCD which I contribute to my jerk of an ex-husband who had this really bad and never would admit it.  I think some habit rub off on people ya know?  Anyhow, I am going to post to you more links on depression so you can know your not alone and become informed about it.

Please know you are not weak...us who suffer with this terrible disease and yes it is indeed a disease and medical illness are the strongest of them all.  Who else could struggle with the demons in our heads day after day and continue to go on? 

After 11 years of torture by my stepfather as a child my mother tried to make me see a psychiatrist she knew I was depressed and needed help but I always refused.  Even on those rare occasions when she did manage to get me there I wouldnt talk.  Guess I just wasnt ready or thought I could handle it.  How wrong I was.  I was was 25 before I got help on my own and it came down the very last wire...I wouldnt of made it another hour if I didnt get into the doctor.  My thoughts and mind were taking over everything that I was and knew.  I was put on an antidepressant and antianxiety which helped pretty quick thank God.  But over the next 6 years I played with starting and stopping my meds as at times I felt I could go without and be okay.  Each time I would good for a few months and then slid down that slippery slope again and be right back where I started.  With Major Depression which is my diagnosis I know I will have to always be on an antidepressant to function and feel well.  I see a psychiatrist now and have for the last 2 years and yeah, I let my mom push this last time on that one as I was sick again and in the hospital with heart & blood pressure problems and didnt have the energy to fight her.  But it was the best decision ever.  

So many people are going to push for the doctor and seeking help with medications...but if you really think about it the way you have been doing thinks on your own hasnt been helping right?  If you dont have mental health and clarity then most other areas of your life are screwed up also.  That is why it is so important to get checked out by a professional not worry what others think...you are doing it for you that is what is important.  Keep posting we are always here...

 http://www.upliftprogram.com/depression_stats.html

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/depression.pdf

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-what-every-woman-should-know/depression-is-a-treatable-illness.shtml


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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