Dealing With Guilt From "Bad Guy's" Perspective?

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Thomas
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/1/2007 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Suffering from depression anxiety and on Lexapro now for it. Just curious if anybody has any good resources for dealing with guilt/depression from the "bad guy's" perspective, as most of the information out there seems to be from the other end of the spectrum. While I didn't kill anybody or rob a bank, I have done a few things in my prior teens that rank pretty high up there on the "morality scale". Things that people could have probably got me thrown in jail for had they wanted to. That's sort'a what bothers me as well...Why didn't they throw me in jail when others have been? Why not me?
 
I even apologized some ten years later (very scarey!) to one person I wronged. I said "I want to apologize for the person I was back then. I'm not the same person." This person (to my relief) just kind'a blew it off, saying "Ah, that was a long time ago. We were just kids." Just the same, I can't seem to forgive myself. The "what if" thinking of guilt/shame seems to always hold me back.
 
Things like I could have done a better job or been more specific, but they did know what I was talking about...I'm sure. Or thoughts like I should have asked for forgiveness and not just apologized. It's since been another ten years and I don't want to pop into this person's life again just to try to ease my conscience with what I feel is a better apology. I know for a fact that even then my mind will come up with reasons why that one wasn't good enough as well.
 
One thing I try to hold onto is it has made me a better person. I now go out of my way not to hurt or wrong anybody. I even was given the chance recently to sue somebody for an injury in their vehicle (it would have been a lot of money), but decided not to since my conscience just wouldn't let me enjoy the money.
 
Despite "being good" and trying to live right, knowing I'll never do those bad things ever again, the things I've done continue to plague me. How do I let it go?
 
 
 

Post Edited (Thomas) : 10/13/2007 8:59:18 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/2/2007 4:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thomas,
Alot of people have done wrongs in their life. And they do not ever say sorry for it,nor do they admit that they even did those things. So the victims end up hurting and angry for the rest of their lives. Most of those people did the wrongs when they were adults which in my mind makes it worse.

You have admitted that what you have done is wrong, and you have learned from it. That is a huge step in dealing with your past. You can not fix the bad things that happened.
Also, you need to watch out for everyone involved in the past. I mean hashing things up might make the person uncomfortable and they might just want to forget about it.


At some point it is time to forgive yourself. You have learned from your mistakes,and you will never do those things again. I wonder if the mistakes weren't such a huge deal to everyone else involved as they are in your mind?

If you have become a better person,then it is time to erase the slate and start over.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


Thomas
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/2/2007 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
A very kind and forgiving response. Thanks for that. I plan to print it out and read it over again whenever I feel the need to. I know that depression warps the mind and many times makes things larger in your mind than they might have been to other people. That's part of the sickness. Still, I can't excuse some things I've done to being "blown out of proportion". I know they weren't exactly good things that I can simply rationalize away for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do a ton of things that were *really* bad. For the most part I tried to stay out of trouble. That's what's so serile (sp?) to me. It is really like I was another person back then that I simply don't want to be "friends with" or a part of at all. Somebody once told me that your brain is under developed as a teenager and so you'll do some inmoral things that as an adult you'd never even consider. That's sort'a the way I feel about it.
 
What also bothers me is what another friend compared his past actions to. He asked me if I ever saw the Star Treak Generations movie in which a cosmic string was floating through space. Simple little changes to the gravitation pull on it, such as blowing up a moon, had major impact on it's pathway through space over time. My friend wonderd if his prior deeds that effected people would in turn effect others by their actions, and thus the negative impact continues on like a ripple from a stone thrown into the water. I really wish he hadn't told me that story about his concerns, because now they are mine as well. I guess all I can do is pray for things like that not to happen.
 
Thanks again for your kind words.
 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/3/2007 5:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Thomas
You are very welcome. But,just remember that you have got to work on forgiving yourself.
Depression is a harsh disease and it does make things bigger in your mind that what it really is in reality.

I am glad that you are a better person,that is a HUGE step in life that is for sure.
Learning from your mistakes takes a big person.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


UCisNOFUN
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34
   Posted 10/10/2007 12:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thomas, I can relate brother. I mainly use this website for concerns with my colitis but I pop in this forum every once in a while, and I am really glad I did tonight. I too am plagued with guilt from stuff I did in my teens. I regret so much, especially hurting others. I have since made it a point to be a better person and never do those things again. I would actually never dream of doing some of the stuff I did in those days. I play those scenes over and over again, torturing myself, but why? Im not that person anymore. I guess I just need forgiveness. Or more to the point, I want someone to really get to know me, past and all, and be able to say that its ok, Im a good person. Since we both didn't do anything too criminal, we need to look at our offenses as minor, I guess. And I bet the people we think we harmed werent really affected by our actions. I had a counsler once tell me that I just enjoy punishing myself for one reason or another and I use this guilt to get the job done. I think he might be right, I dont know, I do know that I hate that dark feeling I get sometimes when Im reminded of the person I was.
 I was diagnosed with U.C. in early 2007. I am 30, single and no kids.
I am currently taking 4800 mgs of Lialda, 100 mgs of Imuran, 1000 mgs Canasa, 10 mgs of Prednisone temporarily(1 more week).
Also I take:Propecia(hair loss), Trentenoin(acne), Paxil(depression), Allegra(allergies), Advair&albuterol(asthma), multi-vitamins, b-complex, flax oil and biotin.
I eat a vegan diet.


Thomas
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/13/2007 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the reply. Always nice to know your not alone. But, I *did* do a few things that were pretty high on the inmorality scale and I could have gone to jail for if the people I wronged/hurt wanted to put me there. Well, I'd say there are about three instances that I could have done some jail time for, and one person that could have put me there. Hadn't talked to this person for about ten years and then called out of the blue and apologized. Said I was sorry for the person I was back then and that I'm not the same person. Didn't mention specificly the offense but they knew what I was talking about. It was the scariest thing I ever did, but this person just kind'a blew it off and said something like "Oh, that was a long time ago. We were just kids." Still, I was older and should have known better. I should have been the one with the head on their shoulders about the situation. It still eats me up inside.
 
The other thing that worries me is this: What kind of impact have I had on other people's lives that I've hurt. Drugs? Crime? Etc? And, in turn, could they have hurt other people in their life? Like I said, it's like a stone thrown in the water. The ripples go outward and I worry myself to death about the impact that might have on on other people.
 
I too look back on my youth and think "Man, what was wrong with you!" I don't even want to know the person I was. Deeply ashamed, feel guilt, etc. For the most part I stayed out of trouble. Didn't do too many things that would be considered criminal, but the few things I did haunt me to this day. Anybody got a good link on letting go of guilt/shame/low self-esteem?
 
I'm using several methods to try to "help myself". Lexapro, "thinking tool therapy classes", and tons of prayer and upbeat religous programs on TV. Joel Olsteen is great for this if anybody wants something good to watch. Still, I can't seem to get over the hump and forgive myself. I know God forgives all sins, but I feel like I haven't done enough to be forgiven. Like I'm getting away with something. Then again, I hear that you can't earn God's forgiveness through deeds. You simply repent and try to turn away from your sins. He knows there is no way you'll ever be perfect but that doesn't matter. That's a hard one to swallow. While I'd never do the things I did in my youth, I'm still not perfect in many ways.
 
 

Post Edited (Thomas) : 10/13/2007 8:58:41 AM (GMT-6)

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