Will i ever get better

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KS613
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/2/2007 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  This is my 1st time posting on this board, i read posts often but haven't had the courage to post until now. Over the past yr i think i have been experiencing anxiety and depression. I am a 26 yr old full time college student and i also work full time in retail. I don't eat much, im currently 93lbs and 5'5, i want to weigh more but when i feel depressed or anxious i don't eat. I feel faint, dizzy lightheaded, fuzzy head, chest tightness, feel like i can't breath, cant sleep too good at night, take naps during the day, things that usually make me feel happy dont anymore, i dont want to do day to day things because i just dont get fufillment from them anymore. I started having bad panic attacks at school and work so i have only been to work 2 times in the past month. Now i feel so hopeless all the time, i just want to sleep or read a book. I don't drive and my last panic attack was on a bus so now im terrified to get on the bus alone. I fear i may lose my job if i am out any longer.That worries me a lot but right now i my health is more important and i need to start feeling better. I went to the doctors yesterday but they just wanted me to be in a drug research program so i said no after they evaluated me as having generalized anxiety, panic disorder and depressive symptoms. I am very against antidepressents. I found a place that focuses on talk therapy so i called there yesterday and made an appointment for next monday. I can't seem to focus on my school work and i usually love school, im an honors student ect. I have been living with my Boyfriend for 3 yrs and last june he gained full custody of his 2 daughters ages 7 and 9 so now i help him take care of them full time along with school and work. I had a very difficult childhood, my father is an alcoholic. I lived with my parents until i was 23 yrs old. My current boyfriend made me move in with him when he saw how i was living. My father spent most of his money on alcohol and gambling so our house was falling down around us. The roof was caving in, we had water leaks everywhere, mold, roaches, mice, toilets that didnt flush right, squirrels got into the house , it smelled, it was dirty, the furniture was falling apart, it was really bad. On top of this my dad would come home drunk and verbally abuse me and my mom. He has called me nasy names, told me he didn't love me and that i wasn't the daughter he wanted. He tried to break my computer, he did break my cell phone one night when i tried to call 911. My mom finally left him maybe 2 yrs ago, but she was so afraid she moved out when he was out gambling and drinking and didnt leave a note. He called me drunk that night and i had to tell him my mother left. Then he moved in some woman maybe a yr later, he still lives with house like it is, i think it should be condemmed. I also found out that he got a woman pregnant before my mother and him got married but he denied it. He lies all the time, thinks love is conditional, still drinks, denies anything being his fault. I don't cut myself anymore but i will pinch myself or hit myself if i get fustrated or really upset. People look at me like they don't know why i would be depressed since i dont live with him anymore but he is my father. We still have contact with each other and sometimes he will call my cell hpone drunk and leave messages. When i confronted my mother recently about my depression she called him and left messages saying it was all his fault i was like this and he called me saying he knows he wasnt a perfect father but that he wasn't that bad... I didnt need them to turn on each other and play the blame game. I just need help and i am hopeless, ebarassed and i feel like i should be over everything by now but i am nowhere near that. At my job they act like its a huge deal when i am absent and they spread rumors aorund about me and why i am out. I have been there for 9 yrs and i only make $8 an hr, its pathetic. I want to go on short disability to get myself better and focus on school and my well being but i am worried they will think i am just being lazy and i dont need it. But i need to get betterVIEW IMAGE I am a very smart person but my depression has kept me from obtaining a better job. If it wasnt for my boyfriend i probably would still be cutting myself. I just feel so sad and hopeless<!-- / message -->
 
Reason for edit:
 
I have had to take out small sections of your post, in line with Rule #1 (http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) We have to be careful as we have minors using this site. Darren
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 10/3/2007 1:55:09 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/3/2007 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
KS
First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am very glad that you decided to start posting,I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.
I can relate to the not eating,I have anorexia,and struggle with that everyday. My depression is a major cause of it.
You have taken the step in the right direction by going to the doctor. Antidepressants are not for everyone so some kind of therapy is something that you should look for.
My mom caused alot of my depression,so I can relate to that too. Bad childhood,drinking,abusive ect ect. I still have not forgiven her,and she still has not admitted that she should not have been a mom.

Use this board to vent,cry ect ect. It helps so much.

Keep us posted on your doctor's visit and stay strong!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/3/2007 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   

KS,

Welcome to Healing Well. I have had depression for 25 years or so and I do use the meds.  For me they have been a life saver.

You have a long history of anxiety and depression and I believe that you are going in the right direction seeking out talk therapy.  Please remember that this is not going to get better overnight.  Therapy can be a long, drawn out process but the outcome is worth the hard work.  Stick with it and remember we all have bumps in the road.

Take care and again Welcome.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

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