BROKE UP with depressed BF...what next?

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Ann3425
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 10/4/2007 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
mad  Well, after a year of dating depressed BF...we have called it quits. He refused counseling and to stay on meds. It has been a bad break up. BF has sent many nastograms via email. At this point I am no responding. One day he blocks my email does not answer phone and then does stuff like sign me up for a whole bunch of spamming. I still have possessions I would like back, yet he refuses. He is saying that I will not get them back. Actually they are items belonging to my young son at his vacation place. He has jumped right back into another relationship. I am confused, yet ready to be done. Question-after he cools his jets in a month or so should I ask for my son's things back? I am not sure the things are even worth it (about two hundred dollars to replace). At first, I said not worth it but for a single mom 200 is a lot of money. This has been going on a month trying to get items back? What do you guys think? Wait? Forget it? or what. I hate to violate the no contact rule. I had to make a special hour trip there and back to get all his stuff back to him. Why can't he be adult? I don't understand the level of anger after a month. Please advise. Thanks.

wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 10/4/2007 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Ann,

I am so very sorry it came to this sad

I know what is like being a single parent being how I am one.  So even $30.00 is a lot of maney (utility bill for 1 month, etc.)  But given his condition, you really have to ask yourself if you want to put yourself in theposition for continued drama and emotional hell.  There is no gaurantee how long his episode will last and to what extent he will perform viscious acts to hurt you.

Please remember, this is not your ex-partner, but the illness that is making him do it.  His choosing not to seek treatment for something that is causing such obvious adverse affects in his life is more than dissapointing to you I'm sure.  The illness makes them feel as if all their actions ar completely justified and totally sane.  We see it from the outside in a logical manner, but they don't have that luzury at the time they are experiencing a mania/episode. 

I am going to assume that whatever possessions your son has at your ex's place is replaceable right?  E-bay is a source to tap for replacement purposes.  Another is your local Craigslist.com. 

You are in a really painful, heart wrenching position right now and I must say that my thoughts go out to you.  I do not wish the same for myself or anyone else I know.  As cliche as it is, TIME does help to heal and move on. 

Of and on, I think about whether I will be in the same boat as you...with my own partner.  It may happen, but I am hoping and praying it doesn't.  Life is not predictable, that's is for sure!

I hope this response helped you.  Please know we are all here for you, not matter what :)

Be well..

wcc


darnant quod non intellegunt -
They condemn what they do not understand
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/4/2007 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Ann

I agree to break the ties and write off the belongings as you will find yourself upset and having to deal with a difficult situation.  Yes, your right,  it is not fair but perhaps your son does not miss the items as much as you feel the injustice of not having your ex-boyfriend return them as he should.

For your own mental health keep the break clean and let go. I am so sorry you are going through this...coming here and talking about this as well as sharing it with others is the best thing to do. Asking for help is a sure sign of your desire to handle this in the best way possible.

I wish you peace and happiness. Gentle Hugs to you.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Ann3425
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 10/5/2007 1:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you both for your kindness and support. When he gets like this I never know what reaction I will get. One day rational and the next day off the chain. I will heed your advice and let sleeping dogs lie. It does get better each day I go without contact. He initiated the break yet is angry with me for seeing other people after a month when he ended it. I have decided not to involve my son in anymore of my dating. I did not introduce him to this man until six months after dating and he is the only man my son has met post divorce. I know he is in pain...seen him cry and ask for me to start over...but with him not following medical advice I see the situation not getting better. He is still drinking liqour after going through rehab less than a year ago, and that was for prescription drug addiction. That drug addiction ended his marriage.

I am always so confused by this. I have found this website so helpful during this on and off again relationship. It is the demise of my happily everafter dream. I really thought I had a future with this man. He has never been physically violent, but he can be verbally abusive particularly when drinking. One time he got so mad he punched and dented the frig door. My son has seen none of this. As relationship started deteroriate about two months ago I withdrew son from contact only seeing bf during my son's visitation with father. I feel so stupid for trying to rescue him. I usually not that kind of person. Believe or not, I really thought if I cared and supported him enough he would change...dumb, dumb, dumb....

Thanks for listening one day at a time, Sweet Jesus...Ann

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/5/2007 4:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Ann,
First of all I am so very sorry that you have had to go through this. And I give you kudos for being strong and knowing that you just don't deserve to be treated like that.
I also agree with the advice you have been given about not getting the stuff back. Remember one day he can be nice the other mean. So, I would bet that after awhile he is going to bring the stuff over. Once he has stopped being angry and realizes that it is your son's things who did nothing wrong to him.

I too had to do the dating after divorce,and it is hard especially with kids. It took me awhile to introduce my kids to him.
Just because this one did not work out,do not think that you won't find someone else. You will. And because of what you have been through you will know the signs. And hopefully won't fall into the same mess again.

Alot of women and men have fallen into the "if I try they will change" routine. And yes ,it does not work.
You deserve to have someone that you don't need to change. Relationships should not be filled with that much drama. And you should not have to work so hard at it.
Believe me,it took me a very long time to figure that out!

You stay strong,and keep us posted on how you and your son are doing ok?

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


Ann4111
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/5/2007 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all again. I know I have posted this in another thread but bf did not disclose his clinical depression or rehab stay. He was released from rehab literally days from our first date. He just seems so normal when you first meet him...well educated, attentive, loving and giving. Shy, I think you are right when he realizes he is punishing my son (it is his bike, his only fishing pole and tackle, games, etc...stuff you would keep at a vacation place to entertain a child) by not giving him back his stuff...then he will return them I hope. I really did and do care about this man. Yet, I am proud that I am not trying to go to his apt. to force him to talk this out. It is what I have done the other three times he barracked himself inside his apt. and refused to go or to talk to anyone outside of work. In the year, I dated him I never used a bad word towards him. Yet, in the last week he has made comments about being too easy with the guys...now you know what words I am talking about. I think he gets to drinking in his apt. and then lets the insults roll usually on email. Anyway, I lost my cool and gave it back to him for the first time earlier this week. He then warned me not to contact him about returning stuff from vacation place because "...I shouldn't turn my back on a wounded animal (him of course)."

You folks are all right...I know that. He even had the audacity to email me about the beautiful new woman in his life and his plans for them to be together this weekend (wink, wink). I know you folks keep telling me how easy for an untreated person to disassociate their feelings but man he is cold. Also, did not tell me married four times only said once for a relatively long period. Anyway, so may lies and omissions that he is a really confused guy. I am done. He does have some positive elements but I am losing sight of them in all the fighting. Glad that has stopped. There is hope after this right? Thanks. Ann

 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/6/2007 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh yeah I would be so done. Think about it,being married 4 times? That at least 5 women (that you know of) took his crap and then got smart.
He will be a very lonely person until he decides to get his act together. And then you will have moved on and won't even think about him.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


Ann3425
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 10/9/2007 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Everyone

Well you are so right about meeting new men who are healthy...I think I found someone who does not lie and does deal with medical issues. It has been fun casually dating as opposed to being enmeshed in drama all the time...esp. when it isn't even my drama. I continue to heal and am trying to just focus on myself and my son. It has been a year of discovery that I do not wish to repeat. Thank you all for your support. I think God's gives us pillars when we need them...and I sure needed them. Ann


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/9/2007 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
This will all be a bad nightmare one day.moving on can be hard yet exciting!
Look out for yourself and remember you deserve to be happy.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


EagleCT
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/13/2007 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy or Ann,

I am going thru something similar to what Ann is going thru, but I am married and less than 60 days away from the divorce date. I also am a single parent of two girls and know they are going to hurt as well. This is my second failed marriage. I did admit my faults and corrected them, but even doing so, it didn't seem to matter, even though it is what she wanted. She is not looking for a job or a place of her own, she just sits on the computer. I am afraid it will get ugly in the end, as she has also cheated on me and still is. I seem to have a hard time letting go and moving on. My kids mean the world to me. But I am also afraid of being alone again. Your kids should be your first priority but they can't fullfill all your needs. I hope that that doesn't sound selfish. I love my two girls with all my heart and look forward to being alone with them again. I am also trying to spend more one on one time with them. I hope that there is someone out there that will love me for me again.  One more thing to add, which is also part of the problem, I have lost interest in the things I loved to do.  I don't work in my yard or outdoors anymore.  The drive seems to have left me.  For some reason that part of me shut down, which causes me to have way too much time on my hands.  I know I shouldn't be so dependent on others for my own happiness.  How I got in this cycle I do not know.

Eagle

Post Edited (EagleCT) : 10/13/2007 8:18:01 AM (GMT-6)

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