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scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 10/22/2007 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
Sorry I havn't been around for so long but until recently, well Ive been coping ok. I left my job back in Aug and started college and I got a new job in a bar in town. Everything was going ok I' not going to say 100% as I have never ever felt myself since last dec but i was coping ok although I still wanted to feel better, my numbness was still around and still is etc and still i know you will all be going here she gos again things havnt been 100% about my bf, which I feel guilty as sin about.
 
Well up ntil the last few days I was ok now I feel terrible, I have flt down and teary for the last couple of days but today was rock bottom, I felt rubbish from the minute I got up! Ive felt teary down and awful numb towards mt bf (hes the only person I ever get this feeling towards, which i despise) and the only real emotion I felt is a horrible one. It was dark when I got up and my mind just went straight back to Dec last year when it all started and all those terrible anxious dark emotions came flooding back. Its weird cos once I got to college I was kinda ok cos I was around eveyone who I dont really know that well but on my 20 min walk to college i was really sad. Now home again i feel sad and cryish!! Its weird it all comes in spells some weeks/days ill be ok not perfect and normal as before mentioned but coping and dont have that feeling which after a year nearly i still cant recognise towards my bf and we get along fine, other weeks I just constantly crab at hm the eeling all i can descibe it as is 'doubt' returns and I feel awful. I can't understand how or why this happens to me.
 
My eating sleeping etc is fine as normal and it just seems to be my mind/feelings thats being affected. Its more like an anxiety as I get this about other things/stuations and i worry constantly even about the most pointless things. What makes me sad though is feeling like that and the anxety that it gets me down and I cant handle or understand it :( My bf hasn't done anything wrong but f this makes sense in my books sometimes he cnt do anything right and every move i make i crab and moan and argue with him. I eel terribly awful as I HATE feeling like this towards him and I so desperately long to be how I used to be before last year :( I  see other couples walking about cuddling laughing and talking and i get jealous and even more down, the weird thing is i cant describe this properly but ill try my best is that we do have tmes when we laugh and stufflike that but i never acknowledge it if that makes sense when i think back my minds just blanks the feeling and the act that its happeneing. This happens on most occassions when I should be happy, parties etc i sit all sad and depressed for most of them and from coming away from them I never get that Oh I enjoyed that experience feeling i used to. I went on a holiday in aug which was good but to be bluntly honest..I didnt enjoy it. I am sooo worried that i am never going to get rid of this feeling(s) my relationships going to fail and Im going to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life.
 
I had an appointment booked to see a private psych but I missed my appointment by accident and he phoned my home and went ballistic at me reducing me to tears.
 
Sorry for this but I feel so bad, its not fair on my bf living like this and i just fee like im at the end of what i can take.
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/23/2007 2:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there ScotsGal,

Firstly, Its nice to see you around again! Im glad that things were working up to recently. Something that has occurred to me... You say you felt like this last december, then it got better and then its got bad again now. Has your psych considered SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The times when you feel bad seem to be when there is little natural light around. Did you re-make your appointment with the psych?

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/23/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
That is exactly what I was thinking Darren!

Welcome back Scotsgal, I think you should really consider the advice that Darren has given you.

Also, as far as your b/f...are you sure your not just settling with him and there is really a reason why he makes you feel this way?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

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How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

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djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/23/2007 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Obviously great minds think alike shy! You can get light boxes and alsorts of groovy stuff for SAD and they are really good as well!

Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 10/23/2007 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
hey all thanks for the answers,

firstly no i dont think i am settling for him as he hasn't done anything wrong and I conciously don't want to feel this way towards him at all. id give anything to get back to normal. Take this morning for instance, the minute i got up this morning and from the sec got up my body felt all anxious and filled and heavy for no reason, the first thing i though of was my bf no apparent thought of him-just him and a horrible feeling i soo cant describe this its weird, like there was no bad thoughts just thoughts of him and me feeling weird its like no matter when or how the feeling comes the minute it comes i think of him or relate it to him i dont understand it or how to describe it the way it happens :S

secondly i havnt felt good all year not just now but it had just got worse.

Has no one else felt weird towards there partner or felt like me as I dont know were to look for research or anything and m scared and sad.

Thanks
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **

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