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marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/22/2007 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
im new to this fourm and thought it would be a good way to release some of my feelings i have kept bottled up for so long. I have never been to the dr im afraid to go and dont know why. i had a brother that died when i was young and i grew up making myself believe i had to hide my feelings. i didnt want to show them because my parents went threw enough losing my brother so i always pretended to be happy. i block stuff out and tell myself it never happened when things went wrong. i dont know how to express myself and still cant talk to anyone that i know because i dont want them to think any less of me. this is the first time i have ever opened up at all i know i need to in order to feel better. i have been through alot and some of it i thought i blocked out completely but here recently i found out i didnt do a very good job. i was in a car accident about 8 years ago after that i distanced myself from everything i am afraid to get in a car and i dont go anywhere unless i am forced or i have to and if ii do i ride in the backseat. b4 i had my daughter i would lay down in the backseat and fall asleep we only live a few miles from town but i trained myself to fall asleep before we arrived i dont have my drivers licences but 2 of my sisters do i feel like i am a failure because i am not the big sister they can look up to. my parents wouldnt let me do anything we lived in a small town and to walk to the store i had to do chores or some other thing b4 i could go and then by the time i was done it was too late. my mom was always parinoid and wouldnt let me do anything i always had to either clean or babysit for my younger siblings. i know it wasnt her fault she was worried my brother died in an accident at a very young age and she was scared something would happen to me also. i dont know what to do anymore i am so angry and everything bothers me, now that my mom is in church she lets my other siblings come and go it was like she used me for a maide and a nanny which i know deep down thats not true. not only that but i am also angry because every since i had that car accident i am scare of everything i am always worrying about decisions, a decision i would consider easy b4 is now will something bad happen or  will i get hurt. i no longer have any friends they all got tired of asking me to go out with htem and hearing my excuses of why i didnt want to go or i was busy which isnt true i just didnt want to tell them i was scared. i have trouble sleeping but im getting tired i just needed to get some stuff off my chest and i will  be back to finish my story thanks everyone for listening

marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/23/2007 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   
its me again and i cant sleep yet another night. i have had a problem with sleeping since i was about 10 or 11. I was touched by someone that my family trusted who used to stay at our house ocasionally. I never told anyone i was to scared (this person was 3 times the size of me, besides he was kinda slow) and i knew my dad would kill him and i couldnt risk my dad getting in trouble. Which i think this person knew. Besides he was very well trusted and i didnt think anyone besides my parents would believe me. I have never told anyone about this, i just burried it with alot of other stuff and tried to forget about it. The hardest thing for me was pretending nothing ever happened and being around this person alot. i guess now i realized i should have told someone along time ago and maybe i wouldnt feel like i do now, i think that is where my trust issues come in. i dont know why i now find it easier to sit here and type all of this out on here i guess its because its like keeping a journal, which i never did because i feared somone would find it. my parents were always active in our lives and always talked to us about everything but for some reason i could never return the favor. i am going to try to go to bed my daughter gets up early so i will be back tomorrow i really need to get all of this stuff out i feel like it is destroying me

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/23/2007 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and welcome to HealingWell,

I am glad that you have found us and that you feel you can use the boards as a way of releasing all the locked away feelings that you have. It sounds like you need to talk to your family about how you feel... are you able to do that? Are they likely to be receptive? Failing that, have you considered talking to a professional councillor?

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/23/2007 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Marie
I too wanted to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you found us and I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

You have been through so much in your life,and it does sound like your mom was very overprotective of you..but being a mom I know how that can be. I can't imagine loosing a brother. It sounds like you have not dealt with the grief of that even, since you have been hiding your feelings.
The person that touched you is a very sick person. And it is hard to tell. But,at some point you have got to tell your parents. Especially if that person is still in your lives.
One thing I worry about is that person being around other small children.
believe me,I know how molestation can tear you apart. And I know how not telling because you are too scared can tear you apart.

We are here for you.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate



How can you talk without a brain?

I dunno...but alot of people talk without a brain don't they?

Dorthy and the Scarecrow-Wizard of Oz


marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/23/2007 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, my mom was very overprotective she was almost 18 when my brother died and i was only a month old. And I dont have to worry about that person i mentioned above because he has a stroke a few years later and is paralyized on one whole side of his body. I always prayed at night that something would happen to him where he couldnt do any of this again and now he cant. i would talk to my parents but after this long i dont think i can do it. i love them both but when i was younger i told myparents about an older cousin that would teach me and other cousins this game where we would pretend to be her boyfriend and she would kiss us, i was no older than 9 when all this happened and didnt realize this was wrong until i was older they talked to her parents and sent her to a girls home to get her some help. sometimes i still have bad dreams about what was happening thats why i dont sleep very good at night and i dont know why this still bothers me i go through periods where i can forget about it and then some where i have dreams where it all comes back. i just wish i could move past all of this, i dont go anywhere i isolated myself from everything, since i had that car accident a few years ago i dont go anywhere there may be weeks before i leave my house and sometimes i dont even feel like going outside. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant keep doing this my daughter i almost 2 and she loves going places, my biggest fear is when she is older and asks me to take her somewhere i cant do it i cant even ride in the front seat of a car much less drive her anywhere. my huusband does all of the shopping and i know he doesnt like going by himself so he usually takes one of my sisters with him and my daughter goes with him. i just cant seem to get myself over this b4 the accident (which wasnt a bad one) i would fight over the front seat and would throw a fit if i couldnt go i loved having fun and just hanging out with my friends. now i dont have any. and i am only 23 yrs old

Post Edited (marie2001) : 10/23/2007 12:31:50 PM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/24/2007 2:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there,

I am 23 in March so I am a similar age to you and can sympathise. Even though what happened with this man was a long time ago, you would probably still benifit from talking about it rather than keping it bottled up. Things like that fester away in the back of your mind and come back to haunt you decades down the line. Its better out than in, thats for sure. As for going out, I can sympathise there as well as I had a car accident in June 2006. I can ride in a car, but I am nervous sometimes. Especially when some nutter in front decides to do something stupid. As for driving, I have to wait until December this year to get my licence back due to my epilepsy and I am looking forward to having it back again, but in the same breath, I am dreading driving again. I dont know if I can do it. Im sure I have the knowledge, but I dont know if I can do it psychologically. I can completely understand what you are going through. What I would do is start by driving to the end of the street and back. Then work your way up to bigger distances... round the block, to the shop etc... Before you know it you will be driving you and your daughter to Arkansas for moose hunting season! (I live in the UK, but I think thats where moose live!  tongue  )

Please remember you are not on your own and you can talk to us any time.

Darren 


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/24/2007 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I tried driving but when i do i feel like im not in control and i cant breath, besides its a big responsibility because one wrong move and you can seriously hurt others or yourself. b4 i was in the accident my aunt would let me and my cousin drive all over town we lived in a small town where everyone new ever. i was about 13 then, we had the accident b4 i was old enough to get my licence. i am really confused right now there is alot of things that bother me. i am parinoid, scared to do anything. i dont know what to do anymore ia m tired of being this way. i thought about running away and leaving my family but am too scared to do that but sometimes i think they would be happier and that im holding them back. im pretty much a hermit now we live in the woods on private property and i might leave 4 times a month if it is a good month, im angry at myself for letting myself get this way i have tried to figure this out but it feels like i am digging myself a bigger hole. when i was in the 6th grade i went to the dr for a checkup and he said i needed to take anger management classes. my parents just thought it was because i switched schools and was having trouble adjusting because it was a bigger school, but thats when all that started happening. i started drinking and sneaking out of the house, i went from straight a's to f's in school, to let out anger i started piercing body parts. i got 2 tatts right b4 my 14 bday i had a friend do them in my bedroom. i dont know why i did that i know it wasnt from lace of attention from my parents they were the type that always were asking how we were doing and if anything was wrong, dont know why i never could just come out and tell them. now i forget what im doing half of the time, i get aggitated very easily and just get in moods where i want to lock myself in my room and be alone. I have been married for a few years now and my husband always ask me if something is wrong but i just tell him nothing i cant talk to him either i shut everyone out adn i dont know why i have turned off my feelings i ask my cousin who i used to be close the other day if she had ever seen me cry and she said no i am so confused i dont know what to do

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/26/2007 4:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Marie

Please keep in mind that we are not doctors,but with the problems of driving ect. It sounds to me like you are having major panic attacks. That is something that can be treated.
I have to watch myself when I am driving because I too get panic attacks..not as bad as you,but I find myself doing the breathing exercise when I am going over a bridge,or in the winter when the roads are slick. Many times I have had to pull over and get a grip on myself.
Have you ever been to the doctor? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression?
Is that an option for you?

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 10/26/2007 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Marie,
 
I don't have panic attacks, but Shy knows what she's talking about and it sounds like you may be suffering from depression also.  But, these are both treatable.  A lot of this could go back to the incident with the man that you haven't been able to talk about.  You may be keeping it inside of you, but it may be coming out in a lot of other ways.  For your daughter, your husband and most of all for you, please schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and get this out.  You don't have to tell anyone else.  At this point, you can just tell your husband that you think you are having panic attacks or that you think you are suffering from depression.  I'm sure he would be tickled to death to see you seeking treatment.  And, then one day, when and if you are ready, you can tell you parents and your husband what you went through.  I think your daughter will live a happier life when she sees her Mommy happier.
 
Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.  We are here for you.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/28/2007 11:13 PM (GMT -7)   
hello everyone i am so glad this week is almost over, friday my husband was on his way to work and hit a deer at 60 mph, he didnt get hurt which i am so thankful for but he totaled out the only car we have. The deer was a doe that weighed about 160 lbs so we got very luck. Then his dad came over and told me that him adn his daughter had to be tested for hepatitus b. Which really freaked me out because i have been watching her for about 3 months now. i dont know what kind of sign it is but then i paid my phonebill and the last 3 digits on the conformation # was 666. and this all happened in one day. i am feeling so stressed out right now i dont know what to do, it seems like im finally seeing light from this dark hole i dug myself into to being burried againg

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/30/2007 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh no Marie
That is so scary,it happens to much here and I count my lucky stars that I have not hit one yet.

Before you panic with the hepatitis I would do your research,also we have a hepatitis forum and they are very helpful with advice so posting there would be a good idea.

Please keep us updated and stay strong!


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 10/30/2007 4:40 AM (GMT -7)   

Hiya,

shy has given you some great advice regarding the Hepatitis. It is not as scary as you might think and there is a mine of information on Hep forum. As for the deer, i can only imagine wat thats like... it doesnt happen very often in the UK. Are you able to replace the car?

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/2/2007 4:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Marie

How are you? Just checking in...



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/24/2007 11:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone, just like to say Merry Christmas first of all. I just wanted to give everyone an update. I went to the dr and was put on some meds. I have been on 3 different kinds. Right now they switched me to xanax. I thought I was finally going to get better and work through all of this stuff I kept bottled up for so long and I was doing good. Then on December 06 at around 4am the highway patrol and the coronor showed up and came to tell us that my 18 yr old sister had been killed in a car accident on her way home from a friends house. The accident happened around 1130 pm and midnight but they had a hard time notifying us because the car had caught on fire and she was trapped inside. So we had to bury another one of my siblings. My oldest brother died in an accident in our old front yard when a birdbath fell over on him and hurt his head. And now 24 yrs later my mom and dad have to go through this nightmare again. I am about to loose my mind I cant sleep I can barly concentrate on anything anymore or sit still for any amount of time at all. Everything is just crazy. My dad had life insurance this time so we thought we had everything taken care of but we were wrong. My mom and d ad just recently had to file bankruptcy because a couple years ago my 20 yr old sister had totaled out their car and we had full coverage insurance and they only paid a portion of the car off and then sold the car to the junkyard without my parents consent. So in order to get them to quit harrassing them they filed bankruptcy. Well anyway a couple of days ago they got a letter and now when the insurance money gets released to them before they pay for anything they have to turn it over to their bankruptcy lawyer and then they will take it and pay off anything they filed on and if their is anything left then in 6 to 12 months they will write them another check. Its like they think we planned for all of this to happen and we knew they were going to get some money and just wanted to get out of paying their bills. Which is not the case none of us have any money, we never have. My mom has panic disorder, chronic manic depression and somthing else she has had since my brother died. Thats why we all live in the same yard. We are a very close family and do everything together we always have. My dad traded moms minivan off for a bigger older model doublewide that way he could give each of the kids their own room. The furnace only works on one side so they heat the rest with a wood stove and electric heaters. He used to sell his truck everyyear around christmas time just to make sure we always had a nice christmas. They used to let kids whose parents were seperated come and stay with us and treat them the same as they treated us which was fine with all of us because we know they love us and we wanted to share that love with others. My sister was the type of person who was always smiling she never met a stranger and I have not heard one person to say they didnt like her. She had a loving giving spirt and when she smiled she lit up the room. During the holidays our church helps familys in need with food baskets, last year my sister took 2 of her checks and only took out enough to get back and forth to work and then donated the rest to help families in need. She was always sharing her things and giving things away she was very loyal to her family and her friends she stood up for what she believed in. We are really going to miss her. I guess the hardest part was because of the fire we had to have her funeral with a closed casket so it was really hard for me to deal with it because she always prided herself in the way she looked and she was very beautiful. I dont know what i am going to do i know that with it being the holidays it is very hard, my brother died around Easter and now my sister right before Christmas so I dont know what we are going to do. We let the younger kids open their presents last week and we are only cooking dinner because everything was already out. Well I need to quit typing for now my baby woke up and I need to try to get her back to sleep.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/25/2007 6:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Marie
I am so sorry about your sister, I can't imagine the pain that you are going through.

Please use this site to talk about what is going on,we will be here for you.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.


marie2001
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/27/2007 1:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I was just wondering they put me on xanax the day that my sister died because the paxil wasnt working and now im get really angry and aggervated for no reason, is this normal or should i go back to the dr and have them change my meds? I am under alot of stress right now I am dealing with alot. I just finally unburried all of the feelings that I kept inside from the past and then my sister died and its getting tough to handle, I dont know what I am doing anymore, one min I am happy and then for no reason i get mad and aggervated and go off on people not meaning to. I have done this b4 but it was b4 i started taking anything when all of the other stuff was going on in the past, i kinda feel like a teenager with my hormones raging again and i dont like it. thanks in advance this site has really hekped because i never really could talk to anyone about all of this stuff and there is noone to talk to here cause we are all greving right now and i dont want to upset anyone more. but im starting to worry myself.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/27/2007 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Marie
Your doctor may have thought that since you are going through so much that you needed a strong med.

Now,keep in mind most meds take 4-6 weeks to take full effect...but,you also may be going through withdrawal for the paxil.

I would contact your doctor right away if the symptons get worse and you don't think you can handle it.

Again I am sorry for your loss.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.

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