I have a high amount of anxiety and depression. I feel guilty and worthless and hoeless at times. Im rarely happy, usually just ok enough to get by. I feel that I have to force a smile to get by and so others wont think Im weird or angry. I get asked all the time "whats wrong"; or "you look angry about something". My mood swings like crazy. Caffeine can make me feel alive at times, other times the feeling of guilt and being a bad person is excentuated. HOWEVER, I dont cry myself to sleep, I rarely cry; I am functional, I go to work and workout everyday; I am not so depressed that I cant get out of bed to face the day, I usually get up and going with no problems. I lead a very isolative life. I dont have any friends. The only people in my life are co-workers and my mom. All I want to do outside of work is overeat and sleep and watch movies. Im dating a lot because of an online dating service, but I lose interest quickly in my date. Ive been to counslers and psychiatrists for years; different ones for varying lengths. Ive been on xanax, which I liked but stopped so I wouldnt become addicted. I was on adderall which helped me focus and I felt sharp-minded but, at times, it would excentuate my negative feelings. Im on paxil which helps with the anxiety and depression, but Im numb on it; no highs or lows. I went off it once and I was an irritable mess. Im on 20 mgs and Ive considered going to 40. Ive thought about taking mood stabilizers or something. Im going to see a new psychiatrist soon; I switch a lot because of insurance and because Ive moved. I know I need long-term counseling or at least start journaling and meditating. I dont do the counseling because of money, I dont do the journaling because...I dont know why, I just always avoid it. Ive done stuff in the past Im ashamed of but Im generally a good person, I just keep beating myself up. I was raised in a very dysfunctional mentally/physically abusive environment. I turned to drugs in my teens and early 20's. Ive been mentally screwed up since my teens. I was the fat boy without any interest from girls and picked on by the boys throughout my adolescence. That played a part in why I am SO self-conscious. Basically, I just want to be happy. I hate waking up with this feeling where I think I am a bad person. It feels overwhelming, like I can never experience happiness because I know that deep down I am bad. The thing is I dont think I really am. I think I am good, but this feeling persists. PLEASE offer any insights. Thanks for your time.
I was diagnosed with U.C. in early 2007. I am 30, single and no kids.
I am currently taking 4800 mgs of Lialda, 100 mgs of Imuran, 1000 mgs Canasa
Also I take:Propecia(hair loss), Trentenoin(acne), Paxil20mgs(depression), Allegra(allergies), Advair500/50&albuterol(asthma), multi-vitamins, b-complex, flax oil and biotin.
I (over)eat a vegan diet.