New and need help dealing with my husbands depression

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ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/28/2007 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I am brand new to the site.  My husband has major depressive disorder and has been suffering from it for 15+ years (he is only in his early 30s).  He has been to therapists and doctors and on probably most all of the medicines out there for it, but nothing seems to work.  It may work for a few days but then we are back to square one.  He isn't as bad as some are, he gets out of bed every morning and functions somewhat "normally", but it's not normal enough to be "normal".  It is bad enough that he was awarded Social Security the first time he applied.  He didn't even have to make any appeals.  Anyone that has ever applied for Disability can probably testify to how rare that is.  I am just at my wits end as to how to deal with his depression.  We have been through alot together in the last 6 years.  We were separated for a couple months a few years back and now he has left me again.  I am really lucky that he doesn't blame me for most of his problems.  Of course from time to time things seem to be my fault but not like some that I have been reading about.  I love him so much and want to help him so much but I don't know how to or if I have the strength to anymore.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know if i really have a question to post on here, I guess I just needed to rant and rave to someone impartial.  We really don't have any friends except for my family and they do not understand depression nor do they really put forth any effort to really try and understand it.  So that makes it hard on both of us there too.  Neither of us has anyone to talk to.  We are living on a VERY tight budget (which doesn't help his depression any either) so we really can't afford to go to counselling together.  Does anyone have any "words of wisdom" or advice or anything for me?  I'd appreciate anything you have to say. 
 
P.S. I forgot to mention that we have a 2 year old together and he has an 11 year old also.  So we have that added pressure too.  Now that he has left again, I have to deal with terrible twos alone and try to "convince" him to come home.
 
Signed,
Alone, confused, hurt, angry and don't know what to do!

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/29/2007 5:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Ethinsmom
First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

I am not sure what his excuse was to leave. But,we with depression push our loved ones away. We feel like we do not deserve them,and that they can do better than us. It is not fair for anyone,but it happens.

You should not be pushed away and do not deserve that. How long has he been gone? Is he making an effort to have contact with his child?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/29/2007 7:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the welcome Shy.  He left while I was at work on Friday.  My mom had our son for the day and he just disappeared.  This is not the first time this has happened.  It is the first since we have had our son.  We have talked some on the phone and text messaging.  He has decided to come home tomorrow.  I'm really glad.  I'm sure this will probably not be the last time this happens, but it has been more of a wake up call than the other times.  Reading your posting is like listening to him.  "I don't know why you keep me around.  You deserve better.  I'm a loser and a F*%@ Up.  Why don't you just get rid of me?"  I've heard all of that and more time and time again.  Luckily he is not violent or blameful. 
 
I hope to be able to vent on here and also to get some good advice on how to deal with his mood swings and all.
 
 

wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 10/29/2007 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Ethinsmom-
Welcome to HW!  I wanted to let you know that I can relate to you situation very well.
 
My boyfriend is manic depressive and currently experiencing an episode.  He has been going through it since July.  I love him very much and only a week before his episode started did he tell me how much he missed me
(we live in different states and have a long distance relationship) but once it started, he has completely withdrawn from me and tried to break up with me at least three times always with the same excuse/reason; "I'm not giving you what you need", "This isn't fair to you", "I don't know if I'll ever be capable to be in a loving relationship".  But with educating myself on the illness he has and the symptoms and what to typically expect, I  don't let it affect me like it used to.  Like you, my support system is pretty much nothing at all.  My best friend constantly tells me I should leave him and has no desire to learn what he is suffering from. He only has a few friends and two of them are the only ones who really know what is going on.  He doesn't really experience mood swings just more or less depressed with very mild high manias. 
We don't live together but have already planned to move in together before he started getting depressed.  He was married before and with her for 17 years all together.  He has never cheated and never walked out but I know it is very typical behavior of someone that is suffering from an episode.
 
Please keep coming back and venting or whatever it is that you need to do to find some sense of relief or comfort.  I know what it's like to feel completely frustrated with a situation you have no control over.  There are plenty of people here that can give you advice on how to work with his different moods.  At least you hear from your husband; I have only heard from my partner 4 times since July.  But I keep holding on having faith this episode will lift at some point and his meds will take affect the way they should.
darnant quod non intellegunt -
They condemn what they do not understand
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/30/2007 3:52 AM (GMT -7)   
ethisnmom

Use this forum for all of the support that you need. You will be amazed on how many people here are going through,went through the same things you have.


I am glad he is coming home,but.... he has to understand that he is a father,and you don't walk out on your kids for a few days and then come back. That is not a healthy environment for his child.
Maybe he is the one needing the wake up call?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/30/2007 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you wickedly.  It is amazing how much better it makes me feel that you know exactly what I am feeling.  I hate it that anyone else would have to go through what we have to.  I don't think I would wish this on anyone, even my worst enemy. 

The last few days, it has about drove me crazy not being able to talk to him multiple times a day.  I can't imagine only 4 times in 4 months or so.  You are a strong woman!!  I hate when family and friends go into the whole "you deserve better.  you should get rid of him." bit.  I know I deserve better, but I don't want anything else.  I love him and when he is doing good, he is an amazing man.  Even when he's not doing really good, he is still usually pretty good. 

Shy~  Yeah, he knows how hard it has been on our son. 

I am trying to figure out how hard to come down on him (if at all) when he comes home.  This is where I have problems.  I have a short temper and have a habit of speaking and then thinking.  Also of being a little selfish.  Do I get upset at him and treat him like a "normal" person or like a person with a problem.  Do I "baby" him or tell him like it is?  I never know what to do.  Any advice from either of you (or anyone else reading this)?


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 10/30/2007 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
I think that just reminding him about reality. He has a child,and therefore you do not walk out on your child. If he needed some alone time,then that is fine just let you know before hand. Not leave.
I do not think that is too much to ask.

You are a very strong woman,and only you know what needs to be done.


Good luck and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


wickedlycoolcomfort
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 10/30/2007 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
E-
I can't tell you how many times I thought the same thing; "Do I get mad at him and let him have it..maybe that will wake him up"..or , "at what point do I let go and not tolerate this anymore?".  "Is he fully capable of being normal but playing me for a fool and I'm letting him?". 
 
But what keeps me going is continuing to attend my support groups for BP and Depression as well as reading books on the subjects and the most important of them all..I started seeing a therapist who specializes in mental illnesses and family therapy.  He has helped to keep me sane and at weak moments, has put thngs back into perspective for me.  It hasn't been a easy road..not for any of us. 
 
I have had times where I've been so angry that I ever fell in love with him.  I have been mad at him for ever coming into my life and giving me hope that we can have a normal life together.  But..whatever the feelings, they pass and I always come to the same conclusion..that I don't want anyone else and I'm not ready to let go of the dream with him. 
 
I have read some books on couples doing treatments together and making plans for when the next episode comes; how to deal with it together.  There are people on here that can tell you that it works and they have a fairly normal life.  But..it takes two people, not one.  I already have some things I've put together so that once he and I are back on track, we can discuss how we're going to deal with the next one.  Does your husband take his meds consistantly?  Does he chart his moods to try and see if there is a way he can recognize when the symptoms start appearing in order to detect another episode coming on?  What about seeing if there are counselors in your area that offer a sliding scale rate in terms of your household income and expenses?  I know from what I have heard in my support groups, reading books and being here on the forum; having a Pdoc for your meds and a therapist for talk therapy is pretty much the way to go.  Of course, it's not the only way but certainly a very strong mark on getting positive results from treatment.
 
All things relative, I feel pretty lucky that my b/f does all he absolutely can in terms of dealing with his illness.  He takes complete "ownership" of it and that is a huge reason why I continue to have faith that we will be okay for the future.  He told me about his illness three months into our relationship.  He was more than terrified of telling me but knew it had to be done.  He takes his meds religiously every day without fail and also sees his therapist and Pdoc on a regular basis.  This last and currentl episode has been a real doozy for him and us.  He has been charting his moods for his Pdoc to try and figure out if a change in his doage and meds is necessary.  His regular medication for his depression doesn'thave the affect it should and that is what led to him going into another depressive episode in the first place...besides three major triggers that all happened one after the other.  His Pdoc and therapist are working together to see if his dx needs to be reconsidered.  He has been dx'd as Manic Depressive but now the docs think it may have changed and don't want to prescribe new meds to him until they are certain what his dx is.  So now he has stopped takenall  his meds and is now in the raw so to speak.  He continues to chart his moods and hopes for positive progress with a new dx and mix of meds. 
 
I am still incredibly new to this world of BP and Depression, BUT I can say that I have learned that unless the person that is sick does not take ownership of their sickness and treat it in the most positive way, it will be a never ending ride that doesn't have any progress to it.  I don't think I would continue to hang on and support my boyfriend as I do if he wasn't trying like mad (no pun intended) to find the proper medicationa and treatment for it so that he can lead a "normal" life.
 
I feel ccompletely the same as you when you speak of your husband; when he is normal, he is an amazing man, and even when he is not so normal, he is still the man I want to be with.  As my therapist has told me; "the path you have taken is not the wrong path, only a difficult one".  My b/f is worth it.  And the way I see it, the months that have passed by while he is going through this is absolutely a drop in the bucket compared to 20, 30, 40 years we'll have together.  So..I continue to wait, hope, pray and have faith that where there is a start, a end will follow..only a matter of time :-)
 
Please let me know if you and your husband have really talked about putting some kind of treatment, or steps in place to try and deal with it going forward.  You have to remember that it is not him that chooses to leave when it gets tough, but the illness that takes over.  It completely takes over his judgements and thought processess.  However, that is not to say it should be accepted as it may have adverse affects on your child in terms of abandonmont issues later on and could affect how he deals with his own relationships later on in life.  There are books for couples on how to cope with illnesses and have proven to be quite effective..but like I said before; it takes two both wanting it, not just one. 
 
I know..I'm rambling on big time, so please keep coming back and talking.  I know it's been theraputic for me!
darnant quod non intellegunt -
They condemn what they do not understand
 


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/30/2007 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   

You are not rambling at all.  It's like reading my own thoughts.  This is amazing.  I feel like I've just gained a new friend in you.  My husband is really religious about his meds.  If he's supposed to take them at 4 pm then at 4:05 he can tell he is late on his meds.  We haven't had the best medical coverage in awhile (none for some time) so he has bounced from dr to dr.  And two of them were sliding scale/health dept type institutions.  Neither of them really wanted to listen to what he was saying.  They knew what meds "should work best" for him.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.  He is actually on 7 meds for his depression and anxiety.  Wellbutrin, Klonapin, Cymbalta, Buspar, Buproprion, can't remember one, and Toprol (for his heart rate).  And yet he still suffers from depression....How, I don't know.  A normal person would be so happy and high as a kite they would never come down.  He just started seeing a new Pdoc who seems like she is going to be really good.  I know she has already weaned him off of one of the above meds and wants to get him off of another one or two.  He has just started seeing a new therapist also.  I thought she was going to be good, but now I'm not so sure.  Just after he started seeing her, he started going out every night for a drive "thinking through things".  Said she was pointing out things in his past that he is having to come to grips with and it's stuff he's not particularly happy dealing with. That lead up to his leaving this weekend.  So I don't know if I like it or not.  Wonder, would it have come to this if he hadn't been seeing her? 

Not only do we have the problems with his depression, but we also have some marital problems.  Don't know if they are because of the depression or if they are unrelated....guess we will only know if he gets his depression under control.

Thanks again for just being here.  This has been a huge weight off my shoulders.  Knowing ya'll are here if I need it.

~~E~~


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/1/2007 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Well, an update on my husband and I........

He came home Tuesday afternoon.  We didn't talk much.  I was waiting on our son to go to bed since I knew I was going to get upset.  Before our son went to sleep, husband went to Wendy's to get Frosty (should take 20-25 minutes).  Almost 2 hours later, he comes home.  I was angry!!!!!  I went to bed and didn't talk to him at all (petty I know, but....).

We finally talked last night.  It was more just like talking in circles.  After alot of crying, he tells me that he "wants out".  There wasn't much more I could say so I told him "okay" and went to bed.  When he left this last weekend, he went one state over and stayed with "a friend".  I didn't know we had any friends, but...  I found out it is a female friend that has 3 kids and is leaving an abusive husband.  He told me that it wasn't "like that" when I questioned him about her.  This moring I got nosey (since he keeps getting text msgs left and right) and snooped and read his msgs.  He has pics of her that she has sent to him and from him to her he has one saying "muuaaahh" (guess it's supposed to be a kiss..) and another one saying "good morning beautiful".

I am so livid at him right now.  I even questioned him about it last night.  He didn't say anything.  Basically I asked him if he was seeing her (or anyone else) and he didn't respond.  That bothers me more than anything.  Don't lie to me and don't cheat on me.  And in one swoop, he did both. 

I went through our house this morning and took all our pictures down that have him in them.  I had made him a cute Valentines poster (real kissey kissey smoochie smoochie) and he still had it on the wall.  I took it down and tore it up and put it in the trash.  I think he will get the point when he realizes it.

Okay, enough ranting for right now.  I can feel my blood pressure about to explode....gotta calm down some.

~~E~~

Reason for edit:

We are not allowed to permit members to use words which are vulgar, offensive or explicit in nature (See rule #2 http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) I have changed the word in question to a different word meaning the same thing (in red) Darren


Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 11/2/2007 11:38:48 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/2/2007 4:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Omg

Honey I am so sorry!!!
The pain that is caused when your spouse cheats is almost unbearable!!
You do NOT deserve this. And do not let him try to use his depression as an excuse. It is not the depression that makes someone cheat. I have no patience for that.
He took an oath,and he has a child and well.........you already feel what I am going to say.

Just remember you deserve better,and if he can't be that one well then he can find his own way. At some point you have to watch out for you and your kids.


Please keep us updated on how you are doing ok?
Also,you can use our emails anytime,I check mine all of the time and will try to respond back asap.

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/2/2007 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Shy.

I'm doing pretty good.  He is leaving town this afternoon to go back to "her".  I made sure he knew that he wasn't coming back.  Told him what realtor I was gonna use to sell our house and that I was planning on selling all our furniture and paying off debt that we have together.  Wanted to make sure that he realized once he left, that was it!!


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/2/2007 4:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Get a lawyer asap. You need to watch out for yourself.
Child support ect ect.


I am here if you need me,please use my email anytime that you want.

Stay strong!! and remember you did nothing to deserve this. You deserve to be happy simple as that.



(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))0


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


ethinsmom
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/6/2007 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy~
I have an appointment with a really good lawyer next week.  I'm doing really good.  Like i've already accepted that it is done with.  Didn't think I would be this accepting of the situation this quick.  I may regress later on, but at least right now i'm doing okay.  No more weepy crying moments; nights aren't hard.  The only time that is a little hard is when my son starts asking for Daddy.  Luckily he doesn't ask much.  Thanks for the support and concern.
 
~~E~~

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/7/2007 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there

I walked out on my X 6 years ago,and I had never felt so much relief in my life it seemed. It took me awhile to get used to being alone. Making my own decisions ect ect.

Divorce is hard on the kids. My advice for them is to just make sure when he is older that he understands that he did nothing wrong. For some reason kids within a divorce seem to blame themselves.

I was bullied throughout my marriage and throughout the divorce,I just wanted out and did not care what had to be done. I do regret that now...so just make sure that you ask for the world. Then at least you will get what is coming to you.

And you always remember that just because a man steps out of a marriage,that does not mean the wife has done anything wrong!!!!!
And remember this: It seems that once they cheat,they continue down that path. So,he might think he is happy and she thinks he is just a great guy..but we both know the same thing is going to happen to her.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate

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