I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a couple of years ago and have been experimenting so to say with various medications. I have consistantly been on Lamictal, Seroquel and benzodiazapams. I have been taking anti-depressants on and off--depending on if I felt as if they were needed or not. I recently kicked Buspar, as I felt that it wasn't doing anything for me. Before that I was on Nortriptline, which made me sleepy all of the time and Zoloft, which made me feel euphoric but apparently I was acting weird. Off of the Zoloft, I just feel normal; almost emotionless--as if nothing is really good but nothing is really bad. So the Catch-22 is that if I am on Zoloft I am happy, but allegedly acting like a weirdo, but if I am off of it, I am as close to normal as i could be, without the happiness existing.
I went to my doctor on Monday--just for a checkup and what not. I expressed to him that I wanted to get on an anti-depressant that wasn't Buspar as i felt as if I really did need it. I grew to the point to where all I did was go to work, which I didn't like, go home and watch a lot of television and screw around on the internet. Thank god that they are replaying Las Vegas from the beginning on TNT every weekday morning...lol. He suggested Prozac. I surrendered to that, although I always felt that Prozac was evil as it made my dad who also has BPD disappear for six months and blow 300K on God know's what. They say that medications like that take a good few weeks to kick in. I don't think that I am a sucker for a placebo-effect. It kicked in the next day. I really took a look at where I am in my life. I looked at what I am doing. I have a job in which I have a lot of responsibility, on-call 24/7, underpaid and under appreciated. Wake up call: What the bloom am I doing? I realize that I have been isolating myself and staying as lowkey as possible. I have always had insecurities regarding dealing with the general public but see that I can't be so grandiose that I think that everyone is looking at me and judging me. Insanity? I also took a look at where I live. I am twenty-six years old and live in Neverland (Chico, CA--if you have heard of it, you know what I am talking about). I will never, ever grow up as long as I stay here.
I decided that things really need to change. I made some phone calls to try to find a new job--preferably as far away as possible. Luckily a good friend of mine works in a similiar field and is looking for an instructor to aide those with DD's. I would have to move about 150 miles away, but I would get paid more and wouldn't have to be on call all of the time. That is more attractive than Eva Longoria. I had to take it, so I will be moving in about six weeks. This really gives me something to look forward to--even more than what is going to happen on this week's episode of Californication (lol). I decided to call up some of my friends to go out on Halloween. Although I really shouldn't be drinking, I had a few and was fine. Went out and caught up with some others that I haven't seen in a while. It was pretty nice!
I do realize that I am probably having a similiar affect as I had with Zoloft. Maybe its not so noticeable yet, but it probably will onset eventually. This time I am willing to deal with that. It feels so nice to feel so good.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.