Seeking Help For Depressed Wife - Update

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Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 11/4/2007 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,

Well, I haven't been on for quite a while. I've been working a lot and trying to settle into things with my family.

As many of you know, my wife decided to stay and work on the marriage/family. She isn't showing all of the depression symptoms that she was when all of this started at this point. She's not entirely "healed", she's just trying to change things on her terms (read: without medication or doctors or therapists). I'm giving her time to do that right now. She's functioning much better than she was and I'm seeing progress slowly but surely. We're not talking about miraculous progress, but I'm seeing small milestones and little things that are signs of things getting better...or at least changing.

As you can probably imagine, I'm enjoying the peace in our house (and in our life) right now. As long as there is progress and things are moving forward, I can be a very patient guy. We'll see. Time will tell.

Thanks for all of the concern (I got a couple of Emails). Rest assured that I'm doing okay and with her making these changes and progress, the kids are doing much better. It's not perfect, but it's moving in a much better direction, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to check in and give more updates from here on out.

Rick...
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
~ Mitch Hedberg


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/4/2007 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Rick and Welcome back!

Im glad to hear that things are improving andthat your wife is trying to make things work. (Even if she is trying to do it without professional help) Its nice to hear from you again and hope to hear much more from you in the future.

Darren


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ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/5/2007 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
That is great news Rick. So glad she found some direction.
I am sure your kids are relieved also.


Good luck and stay strong.



Shy
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Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 11/6/2007 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Darren:

Thanks. Yes, she's doing it without professional help and if you read even a few of my posts from this past summer, you know what a hard head my wife is. It's one of her charms (at least that is what I have to tell myself!). ;-)

I'm going to watch the situation and if she slips, I'm going to insist on her seeking help. I think she'll be okay with it if it gets to that point.

Shy:

Yes, the kids are relieved. It's sooooooo nice that we're not arguing and there isn't the tension in the house that there was. The kids did pretty well throughout, all things considered, but I know it was taking it's toll on them as well. There is still much work to do, but we have to take it a day at a time.

I'm encouraged, let's just say that at this point.

nancy54:

There are tons of books out there that could help my wife (I own quite a few of them, myself), but she has to be willing to read them and have the desire to change. While I do believe that she has the desire to change, she has to admit to herself that she has a depression. She hasn't totally bought into that yet.

Time will tell,

Rick...
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
~ Mitch Hedberg


Dolbert
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/7/2007 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Singer 69,

I'm new on here, and having read your posts am glad things seem to be heading in the right direction. Reading your posts sounds very familiar, and it's given me a bit of comfort to know I'm not the only one. Here's my tale....

My wife also has depression and refuses or can't see it until recently. She's also very intelligent, can be hard headed and quite a private person - she finds it difficult to express her emotions at the best of times. She slid into post natal depression and it appears never really cleared up. She's more anxious, has negative views about virtually everything - big and small problems, find issues where there are no issues, pessimistic about the future, manuovers to get all decisions done her way - not done her way will be totally worng - adding pressure on herself. I've tried to give her the space to sort her self out as that's what she appears to want, and it's been three years of what feels like gentle love and affection from me, with little but indifference from her - left feeling more like just another burden in her life, not an equal partner or husband. Our relationship has deteriorated to littel more than room mates as the depression caused her to shutdown and pull away from me even further in trying to battle it single handed - but being an illness it overwhelms your coping mechanism and you sink, much like a virus overwhelms your immune system despite it's best efforts.

It got to the point where I thought I was going under too and almost walked. Stopped because of the kids. Strange in that she's still able to shower love and affection on the two girls (7,4), and have perfectly charming superficial chats with everyone else. But is definitley different with me than she used to be, and doesn't discuss anything about herself. Almost like her world has shrunk so that only the 'Mum' aspect is left, and she's going into that 120% to the exlusion of everything else.

After some prompting the Doc's finally got her properly diagnosed, and she was taken into hosp for two weeks - this made it worse, as she was separated from the kids - her choice not to see them.

She's now out, back on different anti depressants, but is extremely bitter and angry at me for her gonig in/not getting her out, lots of anger in my direction, not really admitting she has a problem I don't think, but is talknig to community nurse etc. Who've told me relationship issues are tied up in it all. Won't say anything about it though.

So now in much the same boat as you have to see where we go from here, really wanting to discuss it, get it all out on the table with relationship counsellor, but if approach subject of how she's feeling conversation immediately shutdown. Atmos at night once kids in bed. Kids picking up on it a little, but both make effort to stay cheerful around them.

Hard going. How long to stick it out, will she accept there's an issue? Will she get it fixed? If she does get it fixed is it a falling out of love realtionship issue ? Is she trying to live married life, when she doesn't actually want it and that's the conflict that's driving it all? Does she jsut need a job and be more than just a mother again? I don't know whether to come forward with more affection - getting very hard to do now, as constantly rejected, and see if she comes round, or pull back offer less affection - as she appears to want, and let her sort it, but at the risk allow gap between us to grow further...

All the best, I'll pop in now and again to see how your getting on, and any advice for me.

Dolbert.



I've seen it as a slow closing in of her world, shutting down on me until only this over anxious supermum is left

kiwi000
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 11/13/2007 6:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Dolbert, Singer69 and I have both been ghere and our stories sound the same. I've just posted an update and I can say to you that this is going to be one of the hardest things you ever do but there are real benefits to standing by your DW. However, you need to know some things;

1. visit depressionfallout.com and read the posts. Buy the book if you can. Good news and bad news there but it'll show you that you're not the only one.
2. Believe about 10-20% of what DW tells you. The rest is a slanted view on things that can and will change as her depression ebbs and flows.
3. Look after yourself, get a life and get some space where you can simply relax and listen to your own feelings.
4. Talk about the sitch with friends and family.
5. You don't need to respond to the nastiness that will be directed at you. You have to be the even keeled one for now, esp. for your kids. The anger turns out to be normal.
6. Be prepared to question why you're standing by, over and over again and know that sometimes you'll want to leave because it'll feel easier.
7. Watch out for your kid(s), they'll know something is up with Mom.
8. Help her stay on the meds!! My DW wouldn' take them and the damage to our relationship has been huge. I haven't yet started to heal that for myself.
9. Talk to her using 'I' statements (I feel, I'd like it if....) not 'you' statements ('you are driving me crazy' or 'you did this or that') so that she doesn't think you're blaming her.

Singer69 has been a huge help to me even while he's gone through hell in dealing with a DW. In fact both of us have. But know that people have been here before you and we'll do what we can to help you and listen to you.

kiwi000
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 11/13/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rick,

I'm back on board and the sitch is improving. Will email you an update. Hope all's continuing to improve with you.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/14/2007 9:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick

Glad to hear you are doing so much better and I hope that your life remains peaceful.

Take care and best of luck to you in the future.

Kitt


 
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Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 11/20/2007 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Dolbert:

Hope things are okay with you. Kiwi nailed it right on the head for you, so take his advice. Feel free to Email me directly.

Kiwi:

I haven't been on in a week or so here, so I missed your posting 'til just now. Glad to hear things are improving!! That's great. Shoot me an Email and let me know the details.

Kitt:

Thank you so much for your kind wishes.

Things are still peaceful. She's still not running anymore. I'm trying to be as patient as I can possibly be with her considering the amount of things that she (and I) have to deal with moving forward. I don't think that she is nearly as depressed as before, but she goes in and out of motivation and it's difficult to watch. She can be very hopeful one minute and the next she's a pessimist. It's hard to keep up with sometimes. As I've said in previous posts, considering that we both got us to where we are with decisions we both made, I'm just looking for us to move forward and make progress. As long as that's there, I can hang on.

Rick...
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
~ Mitch Hedberg


Moon37
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/20/2007 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Singer,

I am new to the forums, but I am happy for both your wife and your progress.

Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 11/22/2007 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Moon37,

Welcome to HW!

Thank you for your nice comments.

Hope you (and everyone!) have a great Turkey Day.

Rick...
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
~ Mitch Hedberg

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