Grief and Depression

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Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 11/20/2007 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
My mother died last Jan 25.  Her birthday was Dec. 31.  All my life we celebrated New Year's Eve with her for her birthday.  I have been off medication (8 Rx) for depression, migraine prevention and rescue and all the side effects of the meds.  It has been over 2 years off and I am so grateful to be able to feel anything.  I have not had a migraine headache since getting "clean" and I dread ever having to be on drugs again.  The problem is how I am trying so hard to 'handle the holidays' and starting to get edgy, headachy and angry.  I am finding it more and more necessary to have a temper tantrum to be heard in my house.  It seems like no one has consideration and respect for me and my feelings.  How do people cope with loss, holidays and anxiety?  Has anyone else kicked the drugs and survived depression?  Does anyone else have a clue how to get past New Year's Eve?  I am turning into a shrew trying to be the matriarch of this family now that my mother (and best friend) has died.

djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/21/2007 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there EarthMother and Welcome to HealingWell,

I am sorry to hear about your mother and I am pleased to hear that you are off meds! Thats a real achievement. New Years eve is a hard one to avoid as it is all over the television, radio etc... I have not lost a parent so I dont really know about coping with those sorts of things, but what I do know is that I am sure that your mum would love to see you carry on celebrating new years eve without her. When you say that nobody seems to have any consideration for you, have you tried talking to them about how you feel and how they can help you get through this hard time? Everyone copes with grief in a different way. My personal opinion is not to stop the party now that the birthday girl isnt there... carry on and celebrate her life and what she had.

All the best

Darren
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hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/24/2007 5:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Earthmother,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful mother; I cant imagine what that feels like. My grandmother died 14 years ago and I saw what that did to my mum. My grandmother was the matriarch of the family and everyone worshipped her; she was the most amazing person I have known. And when she died, my mum became the 'head' of the family and it puts a great deal of stress and responsibility onto you.

Congratulations in coming off your medication. People who havent been through it dont know how hard it is, and you should be so proud of yourself that you have done this. I was on meds for 10 years and have been off them for three years now. For me, it was a very scary time when I came off them. I felt so many emotions that I hadnt felt in so long, and it was wonderful to be able to feel again and not be on autopilot, but at the same time, I didnt know how to handle the emotions that people are supposed to feel. I guess I had forgotten how to. And every time I had a bad day, or started to cry or feel emotional, I was terrified because I thought it was coming back again, which would make me even more upset. In the end I had to realise that what I was feeling was 'normal', if I had a bad day, it was just because I was having a bad day and it didnt mean that I had to go back on medication again or that the depression was returning.

For you, the loss that you have so recently experienced is huge and it is perfectly perfectly understandable that you will be starting to feel upset and anxious as it gets closer to your mothers birthday, especially since Christmas and New Years is a stressful time anyway. The first year after losing someone that you love so much is hell because every single occasion is the first that they are not there. I agree with Darren in that I think it would be very very benifical for you to turn the tv off, disconnect the internet and sit down with your family and talk. Have you done this since your mum passed away? Talk to your husband and your children about how you feel and what you need right now; you dont have to be the strong one that gets everything done and thinks of everyone else apart from yourself. A life changing event has happened to you and YOU need support as well. So what if you start to cry in front of your children; they will realise that their mum is an actual person with feelings just like them and she needs their help and their hugs. Maybe when you sit down together, you could think of a way to celebrate your mums birthday together. Go out to dinner with just your family, or plant a tree for her to mark the occasion and let everyone say something, or if you feel strong enough, throw her a party and invite the whole family around.

I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a very distressing time in your life, and the pain is still so strong. Yes, you still have responsibilties as a mother, but right now you are having the feelings of a daughter and everyone around you should respect it. Please talk to your family, and try and get through this as a group, not individuals. And allow yourself to recognise the grief that you feel over the loss of your beautiful friend. I know it sounds cliched, but she does live on in you.

I wish you all the happiness in the world for the next few months, and please let us know how you are going.
Kate

Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 11/24/2007 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  Thank you, hyde123,
Your kindness and insight are most appreciated.
I have talked to my sister, and we are starting to think about  a New Year's Eve gathering at my dad's house just to end one year on a happy note and begin the new with family.  I will let you know how that pans out.  Today I am having the Thanksgiving Family Dinner at my house.  This might not be the smartest thing I have ever done since now our family is 14 people.  I have been cooking for days and have still got food that needs to be prepared!  This is a bigger holiday than Christmas around here.  It goes on all weekend.  Once I get over the dirty dishes and put my feet up, I think I'll let my daughters figure out where we will eat for the Christmas dinner.  You have all given me such good encouragement to be my own advocate.
Happy holidays to all at your house.
Keep up your own good work, too.
 

hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/24/2007 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Earthmother,

Thats fantastic that you are doing your Thanksgiving celebrations with the family. I hope you have a great weekend and you get some time to relax and laugh as well. I am in Australia so we dont have Thanksgiving here, but I know what you mean about all the people! Christmas is our really big one in the family and we have that many as well; its total chaos!! But the good kind of chaos.

Well done for doing this and its great that you have talked to you sister; I hope it has made you feel a bit better and taken some of the stress off you.
Stay as happy as possible.
Kate

hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 12/6/2007 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Earthmother,

I was just wondering how you were doing at the moment?

Kate

bogiebacall46
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/11/2007 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey My Dad died on Jan 14,1957 and I was 11 years old my Brother Steve was 8 and My Sister Leslie was 5 when he died I have been grief 50 years now and christmas is a very hard time becuase that was my Dad's birthday when he was still living so i have a hard time doing Christmas his birthday. and I aslo make my mom mad just crying all the time about my Dad

Heather


Bogie Bogart


Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/11/2007 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear bogiebacall (Heather),
Thank you for sharing your grief and story with me.  I truly hope that one day you will be able to celebrate the Holy Day with joy again.  I know that you must have loved your father greatly and that losing him at age 11 is the hardest time for a little girl to be left by her father. 
Our family is dealing with my mother's death by using her birthday to Celebrate Family.  We have planned a gathering at my father's house where we will all bring food to share.  We are looking forward to visiting with brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews, nieces, and Opa, of course.  Our mother will be there in Spirit and much in the conversation.  I cry in private, but I hope to be able to laugh with the family.  On her last birthday, we all contributed our Mom stories that we put together into a little book.  It is such a source of happy memories now. 
Do you have happy memories of your father?  Would it help to write them down in a journal for yourself?  Do your brother and sister still remember their experiences with him?  Celebrating those members of our family who are still with us is what is making the impending birthday a little more bearable for me.  I hope this helps you too.
Thank you again, Heather, because without your letter I would not be in a hopeful state of mind today.
Beannachtai,
Anne

bogiebacall46
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/12/2007 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear eartmother
It is still hard to write them good memories down I start crying and I do that everytime I think about him. My Mom can't stand me griefing anymore about my Father he wa alos a great actor. I had a former step-Dad named Jason Jr who married my mom in 1961 and they had one children together but he helped me when I Was griefing about my Dad he died in 2001 from cancer. my dad died from Thoat Cancer My siblings was two young to remeber him i wasn't
Heather
Bogie Bogart


Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/12/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Heather,

You are very fortunate that you had such an understanding step-dad to help you through your grief.  Grief is a difficult process to let go.  I am still grieving the birth accident that left my oldest daughter with cerebral palsy.  She is such a precious person and so important to my life, but the circumstances of her death left me with the whole spectrum of grief:  disbelief, denial, depression, anger, acceptance and finally new life.  Everyday I travel that same path, it seems.  We cannot always be on the upswing of new life, but without the darkness of the depression and anger how would we know when we were experiencing the light of happiness and hope?  May I suggest that writing through your tears could be just what you need to do?  If you can find the happiness of just one day, it might help you to enjoy the light of this day.  What is a favorite memory you have of your stepfather?  What is a funny memory you have of your mother?  What is a loving memory you have of your father, mother and siblings all together?  Can you remember just one time when you were all eating a meal together?  Crying isn't always a bad thing to do, Heather.  It just cleans us out.  I tell my girls to let in some light so they can see the rainbow when they have cried enough.  I will keep you in my prayers during this holy season of light.

Anne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/12/2007 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Anne
I have and am going thru just what you have gone thru
Mom passed away on March 20th ......2006
Yes I am sad angry depressed all of the whole kit and kaboodle BUT I have learnt I have to draw on all the memories I have had with her......it does help ......so does my spirituality
I looked after her while she was alive and was stricken with Alzheimers .........I look after my dad now with the same DD,and he is going downhill ......

YOU are spot on about the crying it is good for us to do that and to remember a good time at least one ...........
My thoughts and prayers as well as my heart will be with you during this season ......and always .......
I am so sorry.......know how you feel for sure
Luvs
LYN
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bogiebacall46
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/13/2007 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I thank you for praying for me. sometimes I wondered what life would have been like if My Dad was still alive today. or my Mom and Step-Dad still married forfore he passed away. but somethings is the good God has control of it
Heather
Bogie Bogart


Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/13/2007 6:29 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  He has you in His hands too.
Stay in touch, Heather.  You are helping to keep me grounded too.
Anne

bogiebacall46
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/13/2007 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again. I know sometiems when a love one dies it is hard to go on I'm sorry you asked me the memory that i had with my former Step-Dad jason he was still there for me when him and my Mom divorced as a father figure. when he died I started looking up to Clint Eastwood becuase i would call him and write him.
Heather
Bogie Bogart


Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/18/2007 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello all,

This is just an update on the grief and depression process I am currently experiencing.  My siblings and their spouses and my children have all decided to have a day to Celebrate Family on the last Saturday of the year.  it isn't my mother's birthday, but it is a day that we can all get together without worrying my father about us being on the road for New Year's Eve.  We are all going to bring parts of the dinner and make it a surprise day for my Dad.  Planning this has helped me tremendously to focus on the really important things about life.  My family means the world (literally) to me, and we have a great time when we get together.  I am excited to say that my Dad is happy that some of my siblings have made "prior arrangements" with him to visit that day.  That is very heartwarming for me.  I worry about him being alone so it helps to hear him be happy and contented.  At first I was just going to buy a frozen lasagna to bring along, but now I am inspired to make the traditional sauerbraten.  We'll see as time nears the event if I still ahve the drive.  Christmas is almost here and I haven't done a thing to prepare yet.  I don't know what I am waiting for....but isn't that what Advent is about (waiting)?  A bit of the old sense of humor is beginning to return!

Thank you all for being so much support for me through this.  I am so glad to have "met" you.

Beannachtai


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/19/2007 2:47 AM (GMT -7)   

HI EarthMother,

I think what you are doing for you dad is a great idea and I hope that all goes well with your family get together. Family is a precious thing and is something that should be celebrated.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


rahad
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 12/22/2007 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   
this is a life truth you cannot neglect this but try to make yourself understand, be happy your mother's wishes always with you.

Earthmother
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/29/2007 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Update:
Tonight was the night for our Celebrate Family get-together.  It was a surprise for my Dad!  He just kept having family "drop in" all day, and they all stayed for dinner.  He mentioned repeatedly how happy we all made him to be there.  We all brought food and beverages to share, the kids made decorations, people pitched in to help with the food presentation and clean-up, and everyone had a great time.  We were only missing one living brother and his family and one cousin.  In all we had 25 people out of 30!  The ones who couldn't come really did have other commitments so they were remembered fondly by us all.  I believe my mother would have enjoyed the night.  She would have had all 6 of her great-grandchildren playing at her feet in the family room.
All night I had the feeling that my brother and mom were watching us and giving their blessings from Heaven.  It was a good decision to do this party.  I recommend it to others who are grieving the death of a loved one.  It really helps to get family together and celebrate each person.  Happy and prosperous and healthy New Year to all.
Earthmother

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/30/2007 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
What a great idea Earthmother!

That way he has someone with him all day...

Happy New Year to you too!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.

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