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Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 11/22/2007 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Today is just one of those days where you lying at the bottom of the pit and you cant see the light you dont have the strenght or the will to fight it.With a million tougths running wild inside your head.
I wonder where is it all going have to move at the end of the month the place we been staying and sort of working is banckrupt being sold on auction so cant stay cant find a job have no money a mountain of debt with collectors phoning and knocking on the door no matter what i say they just keep comming back. I cant do banckrupsy need asset they can sell i dont have used the money to pay rent buy food and a refrigerator when the other one broke to pay hospital and doctors bill the vet cause my one dog nearly killed the other one i dident spend it on luxuries, i feel like a criminal to shy to show my face,cant find a place to stay to expensive they all want double rent first month and if we find he money the dogs cant come with there is no space what will happen to them have had the one 8 years now it breaks my heart.My relationship is falling apart the drinking the figths never stop i hate that i want to leave but cant where do i go no family no friends.The realtionship should never have been i was looking for a friend and probable a mother figure and i paid them the only way i knew how its not what i wanted but its been almost 8 years how do you tell someone the truth after all that time.If i do get a job which is higly unlikely we have a60% unemployment rate it will be minimum wage cant live of that alone why work anyway if you have nothing no friends no life if you cant find reason for your excisence you just been going with the flow most your life always talking care of someone now i cant seem to do that anymore so what use do i have, i am 36 years old i have nothing to show i look like crap dont sleep dont eat bu when i do its junk so picked up weight my cloths dont fit anymore i look the mirror and i disgust myself i dont who that is looking back i just dont know i am afraid of ppl the world its ilogical irational yet i am i avoid them all i can just want to crawl in a hole and disapear caue i dont know how to deal with my life and i am the only one who can................................       

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/22/2007 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark

I wish you could get some help. You need it. Is there a church that you could go to? Some type of counselor?

I am going to provide some info for you,please use it....

(this is the South African depression and anxiety group)
www.anxiety.org.za/
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)

You need so much more help than we are able to give you here..being this is only through the computer. I am very worried about you and I wish there was a resource that you could find to ask for help right away.
You deserve so much more Dark

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/22/2007 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark I found a therapist in your area.

www.find-a-therapist.com/index.php?cmd=elist&id=2750

She also offers online counseling...please try to get in touch with her right away.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 11/25/2007 12:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Shy

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/25/2007 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark
Please let us know how you are doing,were you able to contact anyone yet?



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 11/30/2007 12:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Update for anybody who might care.I am sorry if i break any rules about posting with this post i just dont know how else to say it. I have ended my 8 year realtionship on tuesdays and she lost it completly got so drunk broke stuff and attacked me but i deserved that for destroying her life and hurting her so much that she tried to commit suicide last night i stopped her but she said she will do it again when i leave on sunday i said to her that would be very sad but that it was her choice and that i am still leaving i have to or i will end up dieing. so am i am a cold hearted selfish person who will burn in hell and will never find happiness in my life like she said but i am still leaving on sunday packed the car driving a 1000 miles staying with a friend i dident know i had until a few days ago this friend offerd me a job to. i dont know where the road will lead me i can only pray that the person whos life i have detroyed makes it finds something to hold onto cause i can live with her death on my conciance. Its so ironic for me to live i have detroyed someone elses life was it really worth it ................

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/30/2007 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark

I am so glad that you checked in,I was getting very worried.

This person is doing the classic break up guilt trip,which is not fair. You have to do what is right for you. I am sure she knew that you were not happy,and was expecting it and now she is grasping at anything.

I am so proud of you for taking the first step!!! A new friendship,and new town and a new job!!
How exciting! I know you are scared,but...you are a very strong woman and I know you can do it.

You are not going to hell,and you are a very good person...

I would do one thing before you leave though...just talk to a couple of her friends,tell them her threats and ask them to keep an eye on her Ok?
That way you are leaving knowing she will not be by herself and won't have a chance to attempt anything stupid.

I know that you might not be able to post alot with everything going on,but if you can please try to keep us updated once in awhile ok?

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!! (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate

Post Edited (ShynSassy) : 12/1/2007 5:45:42 AM (GMT-7)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/30/2007 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark,
 
You wont go to hell. You are a kind and considerate person and I admire you for taking the first step in starting a new life. But as Shy has mentioned, I would say to a couple of friends that you are worried about her and get them to keep an eye on her. Please have faith and trust in yourself and I wish you all the best in your new life. I hope you will be much happier than you are now.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/1/2007 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Dark......

I have been reading your( past and present) posts and I just have to let you know my heart thoughts an prayers are ith you

I am so glad you have found a friend and are starting over .......miles and miles away
I do hope you will let all know how you are doing

LYN

Stay strong and plz look aftr you
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
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  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
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        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/2/2007 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Dark,

Hi this is Kitt and I have been reading your posts and I believe I have posted to some.

I am so glad you are making a positive step for you.  Moving 1000 miles away and starting over with a new job is so right for you.

I am sorry your friend is sad about the break but please remember you did not ruin her life.  You saved your own.  You are not responsible for the feelings of others and know you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself.

IMHO your friend may be trying to control you with her threats of self harm.  She needs counseling and a therapist who will help her get her own life back on track. 

My prayers are with you, Dark, now head out on that highway. Drive careful.  Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/2/2007 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Kitt
Many that say or threaten the taking of their lives is just that a threat or a " hold" on someone ......

IMHO ...it is the ones that say or show nothing to let you know this is their intention.........

Take care Dark and Be well ........

NO you have not ruined her life ........she does need help and sooner the better.........IMHO

Luvs
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
                          http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 
  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
  Moderator@ Alzheimer's
DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/3/2007 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark,
These guys are so right, you are not responsible for the way somebody else feels and for what they do. I do think that talking to her friends is a good idea, that way you can start fresh without worrying about what she may or maynot do.

I am proud of you for what you are doing, it sounds like you need the change. Having a new job can really be good for your self esteem.

I too have been reading some of your posts and I see you are really struggling at this point. I am so happy you are going somewhere different and kind of starting over. You are taking a big step, this may not be the easiest transition, but, nothing good comes easy. This will be a huge accomplishment for you and I think you will feel a lot better all the way around.

My thoughts are with you, good luck with your new venture.

Keep us posted,

hugs,

getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/4/2007 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark

I am just wondering how you are doing?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/4/2007 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dark,

Me too, how are you?  Settling in to your new home?

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 12/10/2007 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ev1

Thank you so much for all the replies and encouragement i appreaciate it very much. Just to bring you up to speed its nou a week since i left and arived at my new home it was a very long drive had lots of rain but made it here , have been sleeping allot since i got here feeling very tired The ppl/friends i am staying with have been very nice and helpfull things havent worked out like they were suppose to with the job but i know something else will come up for the moment i am sleeping on the friends couch i also share my couch with two cats and a chicken yes a chicken its kinda funny. My x patner did take some pills and stuff when i left but she was ok her daughter came to stay with here the next day she has been phoning and texing me non stop blaming me for destroying her life i feel guilty for leaveing her but it was a choice of life or death for me and i am hoping that she will get better soon. I have been feeling abit losts and find myself wanting to dive into that familiar dark hole again inspite of all the good and oppertunitty at a new start. I know i just have to take it one day at a time and things will come right i am very thankfull and happy for this oppertunity i know i have to make it work.

take care
Dark

Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 12/10/2007 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark,

I just wanted to say hello to you, i have been reading your posts and been thinking a lot about you. I think you are soo brave and strong, you probably can't see that yet but you are. You have actually made a big decision in your life and a scary one too, but YOU DID IT! well done you! I hope you find a job and get settled soon, you sooo deserve it. Take care, Gillian.
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/10/2007 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Dark

You have no idea what a relief it is to hear from you...... I was so worried my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started a thread just for you.... "for dark"


I am so glad you are ok, You have no idea what an inspiration you are!!!!!!!!!


(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.


Shy


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 12/10/2007 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gillcom hello and thank you for the kind words

Shy

Your continued support encouragement and joy has been pricesless thank you (((((((((((hugs))))))))))

These words of encouragment and support from you all have carried me in the darkest times and i hope will continue to carry me on this hopefully lighter journey called life and that oneday i will be able to return this gift to you all and others by being there and supporting you in the dificult times and share in your happiness when you stand proud on the other side.

I am sure my journey still has a way to go and there will be dark times again but i know i will make it cause i have you all ...

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/11/2007 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Dark

I know that one day you are going to be living a different life and actually be happy..

Your posts are so different now,you have hope and that is awesome.
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.


Shy


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/11/2007 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Dark,

You really do sound like you are feeling better, I am so happy for you.

No matter what remember, we are all here for you through good and bad times.

We are proud of the work you have done and so excited for your new life.

hugs

getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/11/2007 9:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Dark,

I am so glad your long trek accross country is now behind you.  It is natural to feel apprehensive in a new setting and change is hard but you made the journey.  You have the desire to get well and we are all here to support you.

I am sorry for your ex but she will work out her own problems.  Remember they are her problems, you do not own her problems. 

I am sure you are tired so  let your body rest and heal.  Your mind needs to heal too.  You are well on your way to healing.  You will have up days and down days but just keep taking baby steps forward and you will make progress.

Any chance you can link up with a therapist where you are now located?

Loved the chicken story.  I used to have a friend that kept a pet chicken in her downstairs bathroom...............she also had a pet goat that lived in the house and wore baby Pampers...............Honest. eyes

Remember to be kind to yourself and keep posting, we care.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 

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