Sadsong is so right about needing to want it. I wanted to be off meds for depression, migraine and dehydration for so long, but it wasn't until I took action that I was able to accomplish it. I too have those empty days when I don't let myself anticipate or hope. It is a trap. If I let myself begin to give in to the darkness, it will overcome me. The tapes in my head keep running about my worthlessness and berate me for my weaknesses. I just had to rewrite the tapes. It took a long, long time, and it took a good therapist, to get those tapes together. The old ones start playing when I am tired and overwhelmed by life. It is easier to hear the new ones when I am busy with today. I pray that you will find your way through this time. It is only temporary if you want it to be. I also know of the terror of starting a new way of thinking and giving up the familiar. This is not an easy challenge, Mulelogan. It is one of the hardest things to overcome about depression. Letting go of the familiar feelings and thoughts that formed my own self-image was frightening because it meant that I needed to reshape that vision of myself. It is an ongoing process.