***HELP - Emergency*** - I think I will need to bring my husband in tonight/today

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Really Trying
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/30/2007 4:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I posted months ago about my husband... this forum was very supportive and very informative.
 
He has been depressed for three years now it seems.  Mildly and very much worse over the past year.  After much pushing, he finally went to see a therapist and has been on Lexapro for almost two months now, 20mg.  He is a big guy (tall) and the therapist put him on the medication on the very first visit because he already presented as an extreme case.
 
Tonight I caught him in a lie as to his whereabouts and he didn't answer his phone or call back for 8 straight hours.  Even if we've had a tiff, he usually calls.  Of course I was worried because of his depression and because I hadn't heard from him in so long.
 
I called his parents, they hadn't heard from him.  I called his co-worker, she hadn't heard from him and believed no one had to be on call tonight.  I started looking at the accident website and even called a few hospitals.  Finally, he sent a message to say he was almost home.  Thank goodness.
 
I was upset that he wasn't where he was, but I realized when he walked in the door that he was not in a good state.  His parents called back to find out if he had come home.  My husband wanted to leave right away after they called.  But I wouldn't let him.  I asked him if he took his medication tonight and he said no.  I made him eat some toast so that he could take his medication.  I asked if he had been taking it and he said yes, just not tonight.  He fell asleep and is sleeping now.
 
I didn't say it out loud when his parents had called back - they are on their way here.  It will take them another hour to get here. 
 
What should we do?  His parents are going to be completely shocked of his state right now.  His mom also has depression and anxiety.  My husband never wanted his parents to know about his depression or the problems we've had in our marriage as a result of his depression.  My husband said he wished I hadn't called his parents.  He is very worried about upsetting his mother and that she won't be able to take it.  I am hoping that she will be strong for her son... is this the right thinking? 
 
I feel as if we might need to take him to a center today.  How do I find one?  What should I expect?  Do I need to call his therapist?  Is it true that he doesn't have to stay at a center if he doesn't want to?  I have been trying to help him for 3 years now and I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm scared about what's going to happen today.  I'm scared he be so upset for exposing his depression that he will do something stupid.  He has already verbalized these negative thoughts tonight and it sounds as if he had planned something. 
 
Help!!!

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/30/2007 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
 
I am assuming that you live in the US and since I live in the UK, I can really only comment on how things work here. But they are not that different I dont think. Hopefully someone from the US will be able to comment as well.
 
Your situation sounds very similar to something I have had to deal with in the last couple of days. My personal opinion is that you should ring his therapist and get his opinion. If you cannot get hold of him, I would perhaps see how he is in the morning unless you feel he is a danger to either himself or others... in which case I would take him to a centre. It is true to an extent that people have a choice as to whether they stay in a centre, but here in the UK (and I assume the same to be true in the US) people can be "sectioned" which basically means that they are held for psychiatric assessment and they do not have the ability to check out when they want to. Sectioning is something that is usually reserved for people in a very bad way as it can have an effect on many things such as career.
 
I know that this is hard but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. It doesnt sound like your husband is a threat to anyone so I think his therapist should be told and see how he is in the morning, but if you are unsure... take him to a centre. (Perhaps ring a centre to get their opinion as well). As for finding one... the only thing I can think of is Yahoo or Google.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Really Trying
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/30/2007 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Darren, thank you very much for your reply.  Yes, I am in the US.
 
I will find the card for his therpist so I have it ready when his parents get here.  I just called his parents and they are about 40 minutes away. 
 
I do feel as if he is a danger to himself right now.  He mentioned suicide.  If he is having these thoughts would a center let him go? 
 
Gosh, my husband is such a wonderful, caring, generous person.  He has not been himself for the past year at all.  Making bad decisions, lying, losing lots of weight (210 to 180 - and he's a tall guy)... I just can't understand how he lost his way. 
 
I guess I will also have to contact his employer to let them know he will not be in today.  Do I say that we had a family emergency for now?
 
He is still sleeping (he is always tired, before and after the medication).
 
I will google centers right now.  Thank you.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 11/30/2007 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Really Trying

Each state has different rules on the hospitals,so I hope you will find the answers when you look up the centers.
If he does have to stay though I really don't think it will be that bad...it will probably be just what you need.

Do not let him make you feel bad for calling his parents. You are trying to help him,you love him and you need help. If he did not want his parents to know then leaving for 8 hrs without calling should have not happened.

After this is all over,he will be able to see the light about how much you have done for him and how much you helped him get better.


Good luck to you,and please keep us posted


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 11/30/2007 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Really Trying,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. From where I sit, he's got the people that care about him most around him now and you are all taking responsibility for his well-being. That's more than most people have or get in a time of need like this. You're doing the right things by him and even though he may not appreciate it now, hopefully he will later. What other choice do you have at this point?

I wish you and he well and will be thinking of you. Post an update when you have a chance.

Rick...
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
~ Mitch Hedberg


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 11/30/2007 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Hiya,

I would not give his employer too many details as he may want to do this himself but you will have to give them a brief idea. If he is having suicidal thoughts then I would definately get a professional to have a look at him. Always remember that you are doing the right thing, even though it seems wrong. As I eluded to earlier, I had to make the same decision a couple of days ago with my sister. What made it difficult for me is that I was doing this all on the phone as I was 300 miles away at uni and my mum had to physically do it... so I do understand how hard this is for you but please be strong.

LEt us know how you get on.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 11/30/2007 11:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Really Trying,
 
I really feel for you.  What you are going to be doing is somewhat like an intervention.  I think you need to get busy on the phone or on-line and find a facility where you want to take him to and they can decide after they examine him how long he might need to stay.  If he is sleeping a lot, maybe he will still be sleeping when his parents get there so you will have the opportunity to let them know what all has been going on so you will have their full support.  Then the three of you sit your husband down and go over what has been going on and that you all feel you think he needs to go in for treatment and that you have it lined up.  He has the option of saying no, but it's not so easy when you have so many family members staring you in the face telling you that they love you and that you are not doing well and you need to go for treatment.  It is also o.k. to invite very close friends who are fully aware of the situation, someone who really cares about your husband and your husband also cares about that person.
 
This is not an easy thing to do, but interventions usually  work.  Do you have children?  If so, how old are they?
 
If I can be of any help, please let me know.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


misspstink
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 12/1/2007 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
what happened?

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/1/2007 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Speaking as a person where your hubby was/is I was livid that my ex had called my family .....At the beginning .....then I realized that he did it out of love, care and concern for me

Here in Ontario you can say no to the abulance drivers IF you dont want help but at the time I knew I needed it and I was so wanting it deep down in my hear......


I was not the me I use to be at all and I had my daughter terrified ,.........

Many have given great input to you an I hope that you will see that they ( I ) care n you are not alone in this..........

your hubby may get upset at first but i believe in my heart he will get over it

Thoughts and prayers are with you and yours at this time

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
                          http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 
  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
  Moderator@ Alzheimer's
DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 12/1/2007 5:48 PM (GMT -7)   
misspstink said...
what happened?
misspstink, I responded to your post over on Gigi's post if you would like to go back over there to read it. 

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/2/2007 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Really Trying,
 
Hello there, it is Sunday morning and I hope no news is good news.  Did you find a facility to treat your husband?  I know it is hard to be the spouse of someone with a mental health disorder as I am married to a man that has to deal with me.................and yes he gets frustrated and does not understand how I was ok for so many years and then had a complete melt down.
 
It is difficult to explain unless you are the person with depression.
What Does Depression feel like, here are a few sx and if just taking a pill could cure it, we would all be better. :)

Some symptoms of clinical depression include:

  • Feelings of hopelessness, negativity, and pessimism
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
  • Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
  • Sleep disturbances such as insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
  • Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
  • Restlessness, irritability
  • Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

People with major depression can not simply “shake off” their feelings. Depression does not go away by itself; however, almost all people with depression can overcome it with the proper treatment.

You are doing all the right things by supporting your husband and making decisions in his best interest.  I will offer my prayers for all of you and please keep posting here as we support you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Really Trying
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/3/2007 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone,
 
I really want to thank everyone for your comments and support during this challenging time.  This is the first opportunity I have had to sit down for some time for myself.
 
I did call his therapist and he was unfortunately out of town.  The on-call doctor did talk with me and suggested a local private hospital if my husband went willingly, and then of course calling 911 if his comments continued and refused to go to the private hospital.
 
When his parents arrived, I filled them in on the fact that he has been depressed for 3 years and that it has gotten worse.  I explained his poor decision process and also his comments of suicide as well.  They are so supportive and I am so glad to have finally reached out to them.  My husband's mother also suffers from depression and anxiety, so both parents knew that this was going to be a long journey.  She is open about talking about her depression and it has been very eye-opening talking with someone live about it.  His dad was in my shoes, and so he knows how torn up I am feeling.
 
It was a huge wake-up call for him to have his parents here to deal with it.  I think that shouldering it alone combined with the very bad decisions he's made over the past two years terribly deteriorated our relationship.  Now we have people who love both of us and who want to see us happy and who want to see us make it through this rough time.  Someone from this forum posted over the summer about his story - that after 10 years his wife had left him and only then did he wake up.  He said he hoped that my husband found his way before it came to this.  I am getting close to wanting to walk away but I have to know that I did everything I could to save my marriage and my family.  Much like how Rick has stood by his wife
 
Shy - yes, you were right... his initial feelings were anger that I called his parents.  I keep telling him that I had to reach out to them for him because I no longer knew what to do and because I am not a professional.  I hope that he does realize this at the end.
 
Rick - I had been following your situation since June, and I remember you commented on my situation (I was the one who was pregnant with twins at the time).  I haven't had a chance to catch up with your story over the past couple weeks but it sounded like things took a turn for the better since the summer.  If I remember correctly, you did not get the same support from your wife's family that I am seeing from my husband's family.  This is a true blessing to have their support and I cannot be thankful enough.
 
Darren - I did not say anything to his employer except to send an email to his direct manager that we had a family emergency and that my husband could not make it into work on Friday.  I am letting my husband decide if he wants to say anything further to his employer.
 
Carla - yes, we do have children.  Three girls.  Our oldest is a toddler and our little twins are only 3 months old.  I am at a loss of what to do if his condition worsens.  They need their father, but they need him in a healthy emotional state.
 
LYN - you are right that he is not his normal self.  I told him over the past three days that I miss the man that I married and that I hope that he can make his way back soon.
 
Kitt - he has almost all the traits from the list you provided... and it is a vicious circle as well.  What I am guessing is that he had a mild bout of depression, then we hit our second year of marriage which many of you know is challenging.  So "bickering" and "getting more adjusted to each other" was perceived by him in a totally different way than it should have been taken.  Then he did some things to betray our marriage and the guilt fiercely fed his depression and the downward spiral continued.  And now he feels like he cannot do anything right in our marriage, as well work/children/family/friends/etc... and so he continues to make bad decisions and continues to spiral down into hopelessness.
 
The three of us have had some very difficult conversations over the past three days with my husband.  All of us have asked him if he really truly does want to commit suicide and he says that he does not.  His father feels that it was a comment made out of desperation because his worst fear was facing him - his family finding out about his depression and bad behavior.  I really hope he is right.
 
My husband's next appointment with his therapist is tomorrow.  His dad talked with him about me going with him to the appointment.  Surprisingly, my husband does want me to go.  This is the first session where the therapist will actually talk beyond the medication dosage and initial "what's going on" questions.  I am going to go for support, but I can't help but feel like I am invading something very personal to him.  But, it does affect me directly so I do want to go.  His parents also want me to go to ensure that he will be honest with his therapist of what has been going on the past week and to be sure the therapist knows he made some serious comments about suicide.
 
Today I got the idea on a new approach to encouragement - I explained to him that he was able to pull himself out of his last bout of depression, so he definitely is capable of pulling himself out and needs to remember what it was that made him turn around last time (it was about 7 years ago before we were married and it was a very bad bout of depression, but still went untreated).  This time around he is armed with a therapist, medication, and the support from his parents and wife.  I am hoping it works.
 
Thank you all again for your help and support.  I will try to post another update in a couple days.  Tomorrow is the appointment with his psychiatrist.  I have made an appointment with a therapist we saw for marriage counseling in order to try to sort out my own feelings.  This is also something that someone from this forum recommended I do back in the summer and I am just now getting an opportunity to do so.
 
I wish everyone here a good day, whether you are the depressed person or the loved one of a depressed person.  I say "day" because we have to take this day by day.  We are all on a difficult journey to healing or healing our loved ones.  One of the things that I have told my husband is that he has lots of friends who care for him and that there would be a line of people to the moon and back who want to be there for him - but that he needs to reach out for them so that they can know he needs help.  For those of you who feel alone - really really really try to take that first step to reach out to your family and friends.  It may surprise you how much love is around you.
 
Sorry for the long post! 
 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/4/2007 5:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Trying
I am so glad that the outlook is better today, you are a very strong woman,and one day your husband is going to wake up feeling better,and realize what you have done for him.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

www.healingwell.com/donate

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, December 07, 2016 3:40 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,991 posts in 301,165 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151299 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, ABBear.
218 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
tdnjam, fiddlecanoe


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer