How do I help "ME"?

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Atlas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/4/2007 7:54 AM (GMT -7)   
If you have a spouse with depression - please step right up and tell me how YOU cope?
How do YOU deal with the feelings of anger, lonliness and helplessness?
What do you do for YOU?
 
I'm rather new to this.  DH has had periods of being "down" before  but in late summer it really started spiraling deeply downward. He was close to suicidal. He didn't need much in the way of convincing to seek help - he eventually did sometime in September.
 
The thing is, he won't seek it from a mental health professional. He gets his primary care doctor (internal medicine) to prescribe some meds and calls it a day.  He'll take them untile he "feels better" and then weans himself off. No counseling.   Of course he's not really BETTER is he?
 
And if the side effects of the medication are troubling, he'll simply wean off them.  And that's where we are.  He didn't like being drowsy all the time so he stopped one medication.   He didn't like some other side effect so he has cut back on medication number two.
 
All those things are problems in and of themselves, but nothing that I can "help" ya know? I talk, I offer to go to appointments, counseling, anything.  He doesn't want to.
 
So I act as a single parent.  I care for the entire household and children with close to no help or relief on a day to day basis (children are home full-time).  I don't want to bring up regular every day issues (the lighting fixture doesn't work, the car needs work, money is tight) for fear of setting him in a nose dive down again.  And intimacy has been nonexistent for going on 4 months.
 
So ladies and gents, how do YOU get through it?  What tips and tricks do you recommend for keeping your own sanity while supporting your spouse?  I'm feeling close to the edge and want to back up (and not to get running room to jump!)
 
Your comments are greatly appreciated

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/4/2007 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Atlas,

I have pulled up some threads for you to read re dealing with a spouse that has depression.

Some are very long but you may find some helpful information.  Please take a look and then post all you want to and we will try to address  your specific concerns.

Welcome to Healing Well, so happy to have you here with us.

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=809192

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=953871

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=399401

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=829931

Just click on link and you should go right to the posts.  :)

Kitt

 


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/4/2007 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Atlas and Welcome to HealingWell,

Kitt has given you some great information there and has beaten me to it to get some threads up for you. There are a lot of people on these boards who have spouses with depression so you are in good company here and you should get a lot of support.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Atlas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/4/2007 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you both for the kind welcome and for the set of links.
They were an "interesting" read for sure.  I am a bit more appreciative of my personal situation because my spouse doesn't take things out on me or blame me in any way.  When his mood is dark, he makes a point out of saying "it's not you" or "I still love you" or "thanks for sticking with me".  Still doesn't make it easy but at least I'm not dealing with angry outbursts, shouting, slamming doors, etc.
 
I'm still hopeful that folks will share their secrets for coping. Meditation? Calm music? Incense? WINE???????!!
 
I'm only half serious about the wine. The other day I was feeling very lonely and finally understood how women turn to a glass of wine (or two) or even "harmless" flirtations to help them feel alive. It's tempting...........very tempting. It's also not possible for me (children are at home full-time) so I'm safe. I can't say that would be true if I were working outside the home.
 
So what is it? Calming baths?  A social network?  An outside job?  How do you reclaim YOU during the particularly dark times?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 12/4/2007 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I would recommend the meditation, that would ground you back to yourself. It would take your mind off of things for a while. You can clear your head and feel refreshed.

Be patient, like you said, he still loves you and doesn't blame you in any way so he knows it is something he has to deal with. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries with different antidepressants before you find what is right for yourself. The side effects can be bad if the medication isn't right for you.

Keep reading the sites you were given, this takes a lot of understanding and patience. Just keep trying.

Don't go for the alcohol, it will only make you depressed too. There are no answers there. And the flirtations can be tempting at this point, but if he wasn't going through this depression your mind wouldn't even be going there. I am sure you already know that but I just wanted to reinforce it for you.

Good luck,
There are a lot of people here that can give you much better advice than I can, please don't give up on yourself. You are going through a very difficult time right now. We are here for you.
hugs.
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


behindtheseeyes00987
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 12/4/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
this sounds like a tough situation. i've been too scared to go on meds so i can't offer you an opinion about that, but i really feel that counseling is the route to go. it definetly worked for me-without medicine. well so far anyway im good. i really think you should continue to encourage counseling because believe it or not it makes a world of difference.

he needs to help himself whether you assist him or not.

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/5/2007 4:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
 
I do know that music therapy is supposed to be very good for relaxation... perhaps this is something you can try at home with your husband? As for the wine, im not convinced. Alcohol is a depressant drug and simply alters people's perception. It might seem good at the time but like any drug, you have to come back to earth again!
 
All the best
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Atlas
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/5/2007 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
No worries about the wine and flirtation - neither is like me. It was merely an "aha" moment understanding why some women have turned to that in the past. I can EASILY see why! But there is neither inclination nor time for me to take up either bad habit LOL.

Music therapy..........that's interesting...I'll have to look that up and see what it's all about. Thanks for the suggestion.

I guess for now having a place to "vent" and be understood is therapy for me. DH doesn't want family to know (guessing that's typical) so they're all in the dark....including my MIL...who has her own counseling practice..... (yeah, you read that correctly - his mom is a mental health professional).

So onward and upward. Another day of seeing what it will be like when he gets home from work
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