feeling so alone

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mandalou_86
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/17/2007 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I have struggled with depression since I was a teen, I am 21. It comes and goes but when it hits I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. I have a 9 month old daughter, and I want her to grow up in a happy healthy enviroment. I have been on medication in the past, but I hated taking a pill and personally it never seemed to make me feel any better. I think my problems would be best worked out if I would talk to a therapist, but at the moment I'm a SAHM and my fiance makes just enough to get us by. but I plan on returning back to work at the first of the year, so maybe then I can go speak with someone. But for now, I'm hoping that I can get a little support here, so I'm going to tell my story and I'll go ahead and warn you it will be long....

I always felt like an outcast in school, even since elementary. I hit my growth spurt early and was 5'6 in the 3rd grade. I had ears that kinda stuck out and I was teased constantly. I was never fat, but always felt like I was. At 15 I developed an eating disorder and I went from 120lbs to 95lbs. At the time I was dating a guy and he kept telling me how great I looked that skinny. But one day while I was changing my mom walked in and took me straight to the doctor, where they told me that I was badly dehydrated. I stopped working out so much and ended my relationship with that guy. Things got so bad at school that my mother withdrew me and began homeschooling me.

I started working when I was 16 and my eating disorder got better, by the end of the year I was back up to 110-115lbs. I had started seeing another guy. He made me feel like a princess and I adored his family. I thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was 17 and he was 20. I quit homeschooling and got my G.E.D. so that i could go ahead and start college. I moved in with my boyfriend and things were good. When I think back to the best time of my life it was then, when i was with him. We brought out the best of eachother and he was always pushing me to do great things. But when I was 18 my best friend started hanging out with the wrong crowd and I got sucked in. I broke off the relationship with him.

about 4 months after I broke up with that guy, I met Chris(he would eventually end up becoming my daughter's father and my fiance) we'd known eachother from high school, but never really sat down and had a conversation. i had always had a crush on him, so I was determined to make this relationship work. Plus I was ready to settle down with someone, well I thought. I was only 18, my sister had married her high school sweetheart when she was 18 and I admired my sister and her marriage, but I know realize her relationship is one of those rare one of a kind relationships. Chris and me had problems from day one, we were both unfaithful, even though he lied to my face about his for almost 2 years even after we had a baby together. He's busted my lip open during a fight we were having. he wanted to leave, I wanted to talk it out, he was walking towards the door and I pulled his arm, he jerked his elbow and it busted my lip, even to this day he had not apologized for that, he just says if I would have let him go it would have never happened. We can't trust eachother and one side of me wants out so bad, but a part of me wants to stay. I think it's a comfort thing. We've been together for 3 years. We've broken up and gotten back together so many times I have seriously lost count, but I know it's over 30 times! He's a good father to our daughter. I've left twice since our daughter was born and both times he's threatened to take her away from me, even though he knows that I'm a great mother to her and could do so much for her than he could. She's the light of my life and what makes me get up in the morning. she's the best thing that's after happened to me, and the only good thing that has came out of mine and chris's relationship. In a way I'm scared to leave because I don't want him to try to take her, even though I know he would never get custody of her. I just don't want her in the middle of this, it's just best for her if we stay. He doesnt know how to fight fairly or fight like an adult. He guilts me into things, and out of ever fight we've ever had he has said he's sorry maybe twice. We do have some good times, but I was on a message board this morning and someone had asked "how happy are you in your relationship?" and so many people said "10" I could only say like a 4. I want to say "10" but I feel like we'll never get there. He's too immature. He says he's willing to go to a counselor, but the first time she tells him something that he don't like I know it will be the end of that. I'm honestly not even sure I want to work it out. I'm just really depressed and lonely. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are his, so they are always going to agree with him. I just want our daughter to grow up in a happy healthy home. anyone have any support or advice they could throw my way?


I am sorry but I had to edit your post,please refer to the rules of our forum:

www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 12/18/2007 5:37:46 AM (GMT-7)


2lil2late
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/17/2007 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   

I understand your situation. I've been there myself. You need to look at things from a different perspective.

Which is best for your daughter???? An environment that is peaceful, or an environment where her emotions are torn because her parents are arguing all the time.

I think you know already what you need to do. You are just not willing to admit it to yourself right now. I personally suffer with depression, anxiety, PTSD and a whole list of other things, so when I give my advice, it is something that has worked for me.

Sometimes people who are depressed tend to make bad decisions in life. It is partly due to the fact that we are chemically unbalanced. I think it is also do to the martyr affect. People who are depressed seem to have a feeling of unworthiness, as a result other than our judgement is cloudy, we make decisions in life that will have a bitter bite in the end because on a subconcious level we feel like we deserve it.

 

I have found that I really need to be an analytical person when it comes down to decision making. Write it down. Weigh the consequences fairly...then make a decision that is based on a more realistic basis. You emotions lie....the facts don't. Every action has consequences. Some are good...some are not so good. In your case you should ask yourself "what exactly do I want for my child?" Then make a list of what you think is necessary to accomplish this goal.

No one can tell you what is right or wrong for your circumstances. Truly you are the only one who will know if he will fit in the equation to raise your daughter the right way.

However, if he hits you on a regular basis, then I will say with no hesitation....leave! Abusers never get better. Abusive situations only get worse with time. I do not know if that is your case or not.

I wish you well. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/17/2007 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Can you go to counseling together? If he wants to go to counseling, that is a good start.
You say your baby is the light of your life, you are so lucky. I know you want to do what is right for her. That is good.
I hate to see you so sad at this time of year. I hope all works out for you. You sound like such a special person. I am sure that you will make the right decision for you and your baby.
The only thing I can recommend is the counseling and if he is willing to go, I think that you should give that a chance. If you could go together, I think that would be even better. Let him know how important it is for you to hear him apologize. Maybe then he will, and he will feel better too.
I hope that this helped you some.
Just my opinion
hugs,
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/18/2007 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
mandalou_86,

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you are here.

You are starting out so young, daughter,serious relationship ect. And sometimes is takes awhile for others to grow up when that happens.
I too started out very young,and had alot of the problems in my marriage that you are having.

I think the others have given you great advice about counseling.... I want to throw something else out.
When I first started counseling she told me that in order to get better that I had to make sure that I was living in a healthy environment. I wasn't and either was my kids.

With the fighting,one person leaving ect ect.... it is going to take it's toll on your daughter. I don't care how much you think you are keeping from her,she is going to feel that stress even at 9 months old.

You two need to get it together. If it means breaking up,and only seeing each other when he visits then so be it. But, you 3 are not in a healthy environment. And if he is making threats like that this early in the game what do you think is going to happen when you get married???? Then the control will be there,and he will probably become worse.

For yourself,and for your daughter you really need to sit back and rethink this situation.

Ask yourself some questions:
Am I better off with or without him.
Am I stressing out when I know we are going to be together?
Do we have more bad times than good times?

Does my daughter cry when we fight?
Will it get worse?

Am I creating a healthy environment for my daughter?

Those are hard questions,but VERY important ones. If you have to ask for help from your family then so be it... there are worse things than asking for help.

We will be here for you as much as we can... keep us posted and stay strong.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Lexapro,Zyban,Buspar,Clonazepam

Have been med free for 2 years now.

I will scream with you,Cry with you and hopefully laugh with you.

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