I have struggled with depression since I was a teen, I am 21. It comes and goes but when it hits I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. I have a 9 month old daughter, and I want her to grow up in a happy healthy enviroment. I have been on medication in the past, but I hated taking a pill and personally it never seemed to make me feel any better. I think my problems would be best worked out if I would talk to a therapist, but at the moment I'm a SAHM and my fiance makes just enough to get us by. but I plan on returning back to work at the first of the year, so maybe then I can go speak with someone. But for now, I'm hoping that I can get a little support here, so I'm going to tell my story and I'll go ahead and warn you it will be long....
I always felt like an outcast in school, even since elementary. I hit my growth spurt early and was 5'6 in the 3rd grade. I had ears that kinda stuck out and I was teased constantly. I was never fat, but always felt like I was. At 15 I developed an eating disorder and I went from 120lbs to 95lbs. At the time I was dating a guy and he kept telling me how great I looked that skinny. But one day while I was changing my mom walked in and took me straight to the doctor, where they told me that I was badly dehydrated. I stopped working out so much and ended my relationship with that guy. Things got so bad at school that my mother withdrew me and began homeschooling me.
I started working when I was 16 and my eating disorder got better, by the end of the year I was back up to 110-115lbs. I had started seeing another guy. He made me feel like a princess and I adored his family. I thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was 17 and he was 20. I quit homeschooling and got my G.E.D. so that i could go ahead and start college. I moved in with my boyfriend and things were good. When I think back to the best time of my life it was then, when i was with him. We brought out the best of eachother and he was always pushing me to do great things. But when I was 18 my best friend started hanging out with the wrong crowd and I got sucked in. I broke off the relationship with him.
4 months after I broke up with that guy, I met Chris(he would eventually end up becoming my daughter's father and my fiance) we'd known eachother from high school, but never really sat down and had a conversation. i had always had a crush on him, so I was determined to make this relationship work. Plus I was ready to settle down with someone, well I thought. I was only 18, my sister had married her high school sweetheart when she was 18 and I admired my sister and her marriage, but I know realize her relationship is one of those rare one of a kind relationships. Chris and me had problems from day one, we were both unfaithful, even though he lied to my face about
his for almost 2 years even after we had a baby together. He's busted my lip
open during a fight we were having. he wanted to leave, I wanted to talk it out, he was walking towards the door and I pulled his arm, he jerked his elbow and it busted my lip, even to this day he had not apologized for that, he just says if I would have let him go it would have never happened. We can't trust eachother and one side of me wants out so bad, but a part of me wants to stay. I think it's a comfort thing. We've been together for 3 years. We've broken up and gotten back together so many times I have seriously lost count, but I know it's over 30 times! He's a good father to our daughter. I've left twice since our daughter was born and both times he's threatened to take her away from me, even though he knows that I'm a great mother to her and could do so much for her than he could. She's the light of my life and what makes me get up in the morning. she's the best thing that's after happened to me, and the only good thing that has came out of mine and chris's relationship. In a way I'm scared to leave because I don't want him to try to take her, even though I know he would never get custody of her. I just don't want her in the middle of this, it's just best for her if we stay. He doesnt know how to fight fairly or fight like an adult. He guilts me into things, and out of ever fight we've ever had he has said he's sorry maybe twice. We do have some good times, but I was on a message board this morning and someone had asked "how happy are you in your relationship?" and so many people said "10" I could only say like a 4. I want to say "10" but I feel like we'll never get there. He's too immature. He says he's willing to go to a counselor, but the first time she tells him something that he don't like I know it will be the end of that. I'm honestly not even sure I want to work it out. I'm just really depressed and lonely. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are his, so they are always going to agree with him. I just want our daughter to grow up in a happy healthy home. anyone have any support or advice they could throw my way?
I am sorry but I had to edit your post,please refer to the rules of our forum:www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 12/18/2007 5:37:46 AM (GMT-7)