Depressed Spouse

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

wife28
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/20/2007 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone!
 
I really dont know where to start. This is my first time on a site like this. I guess a little History first. I'm 28 My Husband is 26. We've been together since I was 16 and he was 15. I love him very much and can't imagine living life without him. He's always shown some signs of depression just not severe. However the last couple years have been worse. We are older..... along with that comes... more problems...money...life...kids...etc. These things seem to bring him down more than average. They really affect our marriage and our family! For instance last February he started talking to a woman at work on a regular basis and he claimed he was so unhappy he just couldn't be with me. Loving him the way I do I hung in there even through the put downs and everything... After about two or three months he perked up a little and decided he wanted to stay with the family. By June he was depressed again he always has some reason to be sad (mad) money, kids, me, or not being able to acheive his material goals. So in debt and all, he decided a splurge vacation to see family financed completely on credit cards would make him "happy". The happiness didn't hang on long with the reality of the debt he had made! Its like he doesn't realize where it came from he's always asking me "why are the credit cards so high?" He blames me for not paying them well. He has extremely high expectations, which he admits and says he wishes that he didn't. Well to bring you to now. Of course being around the holidays, and having two kids we are struggling a bit right now. It doesn't help that about a month ago my husband decided that a trip to disney in florida for the family would make him "happy". So here we are in debt, buying Christmas, and trying to pay off the vacation by the Jan. 2nd deadline for the February vacation. Now he is all depressed and mad he says its me, my daughter (who has ADHD), money, and life in general. I've tried to convince him to get help. Sometimes he agrees, then backs out at the last minute!
 
What do I do? I don't want this to eventually end my marriage!!!!!!!!
 
It's so hard constantly trying to make someone happy, who seems to be irreversibly sad (mad). He always says he loves me. He appologizes for his behavior and says he wishes he could be happy.
 
Please if any one has been in or is in this situation, I'm open to advice.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 12/20/2007 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all Wife28, welcome to the forum. It sounds like your husband needs to get a check on reality. He can't continue to blame you for the problems that he caused by taking vacations and putting you all in debt.

It is hard to try to convince somebofy that they are the cause of their own problems when they are in such denial. He can't blame you for his depression, that is his. He can't blame you for bad moods because those are his too.

You may want to seek counseling of some sort just to show yourself that this isn't your fault and get some help to show him that this isn't your fault either.

about him talking to another girl at work, I hope that he discontinued that relationship. It takes a lot to put up with that especially when he tells her he isn't happy with your relationship. By the way, how did you get that information? Did he tell you what he said, or did someone else tell you?

One thing you need to know is that you can't make someone else happy, that is up to themselves. But you can choose whether you are going to be happy in this relationship or not. But don't blame yourself if he is saying he is not happy, that isn't your responsibility, that is his problem. You are trying really hard and are doing the best you can. Keep in mind what is in the best interest of your children and yourself. That is the best thing that you can do in my opinion. You are a good person and I know that you are doing the best you can. I hope that this helps you some, I am sure there will be more people here that can help you more than I can.

Hugs,
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/21/2007 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   

HI there and Welcome to HealingWell,

I too want to welcome you to the forum. We are like one big family here and I hope that you manage to find all the support and answers you need.

As for your husband, have you considered doing marriage councilling? Does he attend councilling / take meds himself? It is unfair that he should place such a burden on you, especially with a daughter who has ADHD (Who I am guessing takes up quite a bit of time). Please dont run yourself into the ground over this. Get some help.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


wife28
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/24/2008 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi again everyone,

It's still an emotional roller coaster with my husband, one day happy, one day sad. To answer the questions: about the girl, yes it has stopped. I found the number several times on my cell phone bill one month when we exceeded our minutes, and I confronted him. He hasn't seen a Dr. and is not on meds. He won't go! I work on him all of the time, but just when I think I've convinced him he changes his mind again! My daughter is a handfull. The vacation I mentioned is coming up soon, and already he is getting depressed about it. So it was'nt even a temporary fix like last time. He's back to being depressed before we ever go. I'm hoping he can pull it together and enjoy it, atleast for the kids! Otherwise it will be $3000.00+ more debt to deal with for no good reason!! I'm always busy with taking care of him, my kids, and my job. So I wanted to let everyone know that I definately appreciate any advice I can get even though I don't get to reply often.

Thanks so much!!
Wife28

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 1/24/2008 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Is this vacation, with all the debt, going to be worth the problems afterwards with worrying about bills? Maybe you should reconsider, unless you think that it will help by being able to relax. It seems like you said that after the vacations your H gets more depressed from all of the debt that it causes.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish you luck

hugs,

Karen
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/24/2008 5:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there, Hi this is Kitt.  I am wondering the same thing.  It sort of feels to me like you may be trying to buy him happiness when what he really needs is a physician and therapy. It is not to late to cancel the spendy vacation even if you lose a few bucks it beats going into the hole and coming home to the same situation.

This is just my 2 cents and I hope you know we care and keep posting.

Hugs to you.



 
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


sophieWVU
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 1/24/2008 6:15 PM (GMT -7)   
sounds almost like bipolar disorder, with the ups and downs, impulsivness, splurges, etc.  There's no avoiding talking to a doc and getting meds for that one.  Maybe a little tough love and get him to a doc, preferably a pdoc?

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/27/2008 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi wife28 sounds like you got yourself a boat load of troubles!!!!!! I agree with sophie sound like a little bi-polar disorder there. Considering the manic behavior and all. Also sounds like some symotms my husband has, not to that same degree but similiar. He seems to be impossible to make happy too, for about the last year and a half.I also found OUT he cheated on me too about a year ago not only that ,the woman gave him herpes and now i have it. Thank god you dont have to go through that! I'm still broken up by it. It drove a wegde between us nothing feels the same anymore!!! sometimes i think about divorcing him but i've depended up on him so long i dont know what i would do without him.WE also have been together off and on since high school ,when i met him i was 15 and he was 17. Life back then was so much easier and it seemed almost like a fairy tale,we had such a perfect bund!! Then i started having panic/anxiety back in 1996 all still seemed well and he was very supportive.Then he started having some depression and its been down hill since. I'm not the one to be giving you advice,but i would demand that he got help immediately!!! If not i hate to say this but you are headed for bigger problems.We are going to try counceling i recomend this to you guys as well.It may help can't hurt! HANG IN THERE,TRY TO MAINTAIN A STRONG HEAD!!!!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 5:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hay wife28 where are you??? Just checking to see if youre are doing ok.I hope so, keep me posted!!!! Just dropping in from the panic/anxiety forum and read your story!!!! ((((((big hugs))))))))) PANI-KE

wife28
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/30/2008 9:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi All,

Thanx so much for the support! It feels so nice to know that other people understand what I'm dealing with. As for the vacation if I tried to cancel it or demanded that he cancel it I think it would push him over the edge! I know it sounds lame, but he really has built that much around it. For instance towards the end of paying it off, we almost weren't able to make the last payment. My husband had a little mini breakdown and literally started crying!, and my husband is certainly not the crying type! I'm still working on getting him to a doc. I pretty much work on it at least once every day.

thanks again for the support!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/30/2008 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Wife,
Keep working on getting him to treatment as he is truly not in a good place from your posts.  This has to be very sad and difficult for you.  Please know we care.
Take care of you too.


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/9/2008 10:41 PM (GMT -7)   
hi WIFE28
hope you are doing fine,take care of yourself too,
hugs
katy
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 2/9/2008 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Wife28

I had met my husband when I was fifteen and we dated through college and were married at 21 (I am 40 now).  He always had his ups and downs.  But when he had his downs he would always get really angry, often yell at me, then always apologize, or get really depressed and down and go through crying fits himself.  I always felt I had to "fix" him and I was more than set to do that.  Over the years, fixing him became soo much harder.  As with you (but not ADD) I had children and a full time job - all of which needed attention too.  And by that point, I was "fixing" things for him 24/7 because they had regularly all become my fault as he would always tell me....But of course he was sorry later.

It got to the point where I felt I was always walking on eggshells.  And about 6 years ago (at that time my younger daughter was almost 2), I literally broke.  Major depression, anxiety attacks, no will for anything, etc.  And then he was so angry with me because I had nothing left for him and things needed to be done.  What little I did have I gave to my daughters.  And I received nothing but grief from him.  Not one bit of sympathy, help, love, nothing..........

My VERY, VERY strong advice to you. Be careful.  Yes, it sounds like something is definately wrong on his end.  But what you need to keep thinking of is will he ever acknowledge this?  I don't want you to run down the same road as I have.  We have been divorced three years and I am still "broken".  I gave over 20 years of my life fixing somebody that truly never wanted to be fixed.  He wanted to control because he couldn't and didn't want to face his own problems.  ...If you're always worried about debt now, this is going to keep growing.  I remember on our vacations that they were always a double edged sword for me.  He would get uptight half way through about going home to reality.  The trip back was always awful as I was always waiting for the other foot to fall.  And my kids didn't even know they were effected --but yes it did have a big effect on them.

Please, by all means, keep trying to help him - he is your husband and the father of your child(ren) whom you have been with for a long time. And hopefully your situation is not similar to mine. BUT do be aware and do not let him break you down.  This happens when all you do is give, give, give and live under the severe and constant pressure for too long.  ..In some cases try to hold yourself back from offering to do some things.  He needs to do some things for himself.

As usual, I have over-wrote here.  But what you wrote reminds me so much of where I was, what I went through, and how broken I still feel now.  Remember, you also need to be taken care of and loved and treated with dignity.  And what is equally as important is your children.  Living in a turmoiled atmosphere is not good for them either...  I'll keep up my prayers for you.

Cass


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 2/11/2008 9:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wife 28:  I keep coming back to your post to see if you've let us know how you are doing.  I know how busy it can get with working at work and then coming home to care for our children and then do all of the work required here too.
 
Hopefully will find a few moments for yourself and get back in touch with us.  This is a great and caring place to come.  We all care!
 
Cass
 
 
 
 
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 11:52 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,060 posts in 301,078 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151233 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Blazenky.
355 Guest(s), 12 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
81GyGuy, countess18, ArtAngel, Tick41, reminder, Huddie, Tudpock18, iho, omar brarou, JackH, hatter15, iPoop


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer