Thank you for the replies
It is hard dealing with the radical change in lifestyle without having someone to talk to that can understand. So you know, I just turned 36 in Sept. The 'Deja vu" seizures, forgot atm what they are called, but that is a good name, started a couple years ago, but not very often. It was just kind of a wierd feeling and often forgot about it. I was planning on asking my doc when I had a checkup when my insurance kicked in. I was in the process of getting a new one, but am currently without insurance...
I know that riding could be dangerous. I do always ride with a helmet and always have, any fall from a horse even not in a seizure state could be bad. I have not ridden lately. My neuro told me, well, I dont want you to ride, but I am not your mother...lol. I actually live on a working horse farm, so this is more than a hobby. I am the manager. We primarily breed horses and do a lot of showing. I am also a photographer, mostly horses. I was starting to pull away from the farm more to do more photographing, horse shows, farm calls, etc. That requires a lot of travel and driving...well, guess I am not doing that now. Living on a farm we arent close to public transportation, let alone neither are any places I would be going to, lol.
So I am kinda jobless. I was driving the hour down to my parents 4 times a week as well, since my dad is ill. My mom has decided to move down near my other sister...in another state.
I have always been good about handling emotions, I just do not feel the control now. I hate suddenly jumping at someone and than go why the hell did I do that. And of course the depression. Actually, when I first started the drugs I didnt feel as bad, (well, kinda a high feeling, lol) but the memory problems and zoning out were the main problem. 2 months later I still have it, but they seem a bit better, but now I feel bad, I never seem to feel good anymore... I shot an event here at the farm just on Thur, a big show (photographed). Occasionally I looked at my camera and went...ok..what do I need...it was no longer the instinct, I had to think hard. sigh. I am not on a high dose, 200 mg of Carbamazepine twice a day.
Thank you all for your responses. I know I am babbling a bit, I just havent really talked to anyone.
Yes Mandi, I have started to think of that recently. But kind of hard to do that if you cannot get to the appointment, lol. Kept hoping I would adjust to the medication and be all normal and stuff, but definately not normal atm. I really hate trying to talk with someone and suddenly forget the name of what you were discussing, or something else. Really bad when I am at a show dealing with the horses and talk to people about the breed and than kind of zone out. All I need is people thinking the person they are talking to is...well..not all there.
At least reading in this forum is telling me I am not alone and kind of join the club, you are all feeling a lot of the same things. It is just such a radical change in your life and everything you did you cannot do and you kind of feel helpless ya know. My friends treat me all wierd too, the ones that know. I think they are waiting for me to seizure at their feet. Just hate all of the feelings and wondering where my memory is or went and if I can control my moods anymore. I have always been lvl headed. I almost think the seizures themselves are easier to deal with than this....
Thank you all for the responses...
I know exactly what you're going through.
I read your post and all the replies and it sounds sooooo similar to my own situation but I was forced to take another approach.
Yeah, long time no hear from. I admit I haunt the boards a lot, and usually read it all, kinda of like a spy I guess, lol. But don't usually feel like posting much. But thought I would say hi...Hi!
I appreciate all the replies back then. So far I have not had any more grand mals, but the little ones have started back up again, on xmas actually...dang, some present. The doc wanted me to redo bloodwork in Jan before I was going to come back anyway, so set that up. Right after he got them he called me up asking if I was taking my medication right, lol....um, yeah doc. Well, your levels are low, so he upped me an extra dose. I am now taking 600mg of Carb. Took more blood and will be seeing him again on March 3. I have had 2 simples still after the uppage.
I was going to see about switching drugs anyway, but will have to see now. I was still feeling a bit fuzzy, its hard to concentrate on reading stuff, the words just look all fuzzy and I usually promptly forget what I read. Fun part is forgeting what something is called, when you know what that word is. That is the part that is hard when dealing with clients, talk about feeling tarded. Been trying to get back into working out again, havent much since the first seizure in Aug, but it just seems exceptionally hard. Not sure why, would think I would feel better working out again.
I havent ridden since, but do feed the horses when needed. Everyone gets worried about me feeding them as they see that fuzzy look I get sometime I think. I actually had one while I was holding a horse, , but was able to finish my job, the seizures make me feel wierd and such but I can usually continue moving at least. Really hoped I could get things settled and get off the farm, work or otherwise, would really do me good I think. Ah well, I know I am depressed, but extra fuzzy too with the upped meds
Hope everyone is doing well ...