Loss of family member due to fibro

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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/24/2008 9:42 PM (GMT -6)   
confused   Yesterday finished my relationship with father due to me having fibro.
His wife said to me several visits ago if I wanted I could stay their for a few days and she would tell how much was for real and how much for attention.  It was like a knife being plunged.  They had pretenended all this time and harboured those thoughts, I knew she would of got my father to think the same.  Despite this agreed to see them yesterday( have to say last 3 visits she has told me how fat i was getting ) Anyways she says helo, then stragiht away gee your getting so fat.  I lost it.  Emailed my father later said it was impossible to see them when they think its put on , and impossible as well now the weight thing is an issue.
So thats it.  Due to lack of understanding fibro comes between friends and relatives who should of tried to understand.
As for the weight issues which from meds she has made me so self conscious I no longer leave the house.  She really is the scenario of evil stepmother  How can your own flesh and blood who has seen the pain at its worse have any doubt. cry cry cry
Arent your family suppose to support you..  she stabbed me in the back and turned my father around to think like her. Dont even know why because we hardly see them anyway. confused confused confused
Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica

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Date Joined Jan 2008
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   Posted 8/24/2008 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Sue, man can I sympathize with you. I am pretty much in the same boat with my son and his dad. They don't believe it and refuse to learn a darn thing. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but I am at my end as well. Hang in there. Hopefully your father will come to his senses.

Sending lots of hugs {{{{{}}}}}

getting by
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   Posted 8/24/2008 10:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sue,
Does fibro have to be an issue of conversation when you see them?  Or does the wicked stepmother make it so?  I wouldn't let her words control my self image.  It sounds like she is very jealous of you.  Otherwise she wouldn't try to make you feel bad.  Nobody other than a jealous and insecure person would do that to their daughter. 
Is there anyway that you can see your father without her around?  If so try to visit him, but try not to let fibromyalgia come into the conversation. 
I wish you the best with this situation.  Just try not to let her get to you.  And most of all, don't blame yourself for any of this.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Sera Smiles
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   Posted 8/24/2008 10:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Sue, first of all I want to tell you that I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I know this must be so very painful for you to know that your support has been compromised by a nasty, evil person. She must have so little security in herself that to feel stronger, she calls attention to the areas where you feel weaker. I am not going to tell you what to do or how you should feel, or what I would do. All I want to get across to you is that you are a special woman, regardless of anything physical or emotional you are dealing with. You are not defined by your FM; you do not have a sign on your back saying 'kick me, I am pretending that I feel bad'. Everyday that you get out of bed and find something that needs to be done, and you do it, you are a winner. Each time that you follow through with something you pledged to do, you are inside a victory. With every post on this forum to someone who is in need, you send out positive, loving energy that is as we speak- back on its way to you. I think you are doing the right thing to remove these people from your life until you are ready to include them on YOUR terms. I believe that you will get only support on this forum for your decision to deny access to them. Remember that you are a special person to many, many people and we are glad you are with us and believe in YOU.
Peace be with you!
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/25/2008 2:25 AM (GMT -6)   
turn  thats my stepmother.  Cant thank you enough for replies didnt think I would get any.  Decided to forgive the stepmother simply becasue i dont care enough about her but before you say Noooo, I have told my father I need a break and that I cant see people who dont beleive the extreme of the pain levels and dont acknowledge that it is an illness and I have it.  But you know I feel a sense of releif now although it hurts at least for once I stuck up for myself and showed that even I have some self esteeem.
The question is how can people so close to us be like that and it seems it is common.  anyways thanks,  it was hard.... confused confused mad sad all at once.    sue2z
Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica

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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17056
   Posted 8/25/2008 6:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Sue, I'm so glad you had a change of heart.  Your family is important.  You'll really realize that when they have passed on and they aren't there anymore.  Your father is probably being influenced by your stepmother.  You are right, she isn't worth breaking up the family over. 
I think Karen is on to something.  She probably is jealous of you.  She knows your dad loves you very much and she wants to be the center of attention so she says hurtful things to make herself feel superior and you inferior!  Don't fall for that!  Don't sit in the house because you have extra pounds on  your body.  Learn to love yourself.  Your body isn't "you"...it's just the way you travel around this earth!  At one point, I weight 265 pounds!  But, I knew I was a good person inside and so did my friends and my family...the family that loved me.  My Mom, God love her, would say that I looked "heavy" in certain outfits, but she was telling me out of love and not hate.  But it still hurt a lot.  I did eventually lose the weight.
Please don't let fibromyalgia run your life and affect your relationships with family and friends.  You need to be in control of it and not have it control you and what you do and how  you relate to people.  Sue, you will find a lot of people just don't understand.  If you had something visable and terminal, people wouldn't treat you the way they do.  But, since fibro is an invisible illness, they just don't understand.  Don't try to explain it to them.  Just do the best you can around them.  They will see the pain, eventually.  I know my family did.  I didn't talk about fibro or how I felt, either.  I just went for the visits and enjoyed the company.
Next time you visit  your father, do just that!  Visit with  your father.  You can be pleasant to your stepmother but you don't have to get in big conversations with her.  I would make any conversation about fibromyalgia and how you feel totally off limits.  She may "come around" some day but it isn't that important to her since you are not her child.  Just shower your father with love since that's the real reason you go there to begin with. 
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
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God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

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   Posted 8/25/2008 8:41 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel sorry for her... she has to get up every morning and be HER! Can you imagine living inside her spiteful and unkind brain everyday? To her I would say, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" Dad can seek you out on his own time. If he's not offering support then just hang on to your better childhood memories and let it go. By not making this into a tug-o-war you give him the freedom to contact you. If he doesn't, it's his loss. Better to avoid them than go to their turf and get hurt. I've been where you are, and in my case it was my own mother. She hadn't seen me for over four years at one point because she had moved to a southern state with my dad. Her first words as I got off the plane were, "Well, Jeanne, you're still fat!" She didn't believe in fibro either... until she got it! Let it go. They are not worth the energy. Just my 2ยข.
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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Date Joined Jun 2008
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   Posted 8/25/2008 8:57 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this Sue. What a horrible person she is to do this to her extended family. I think that she is insecure in her relationship with your father and needs all his attention for herself. Don't let her win with those hurtful comments, I would just go on as before, you don't have to bring up the fibro. And if she brings it up, then just tell her you don't want to discuss it with someone ignorant of the decease. You are a wonderful person and worth so much more than a lowly, mean spirited, person like her.
in the land of Limbo, taking OTC meds only.
Don't know what's wrong, can't fix it, doctors are so sloooow!!!

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   Posted 8/25/2008 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Suez, you know you can pick your friends but not your family. I've not had anyone be that cruel over fibro but I know there are non believers in my family. It's the RNs in the family that are the ones that do not believe fibro is real. I have had some pretty evil thoughts about those people and fibro, they are not blood relatives by the way. devil
I know it hurts that you can't have the relationship with your father you want because of this person and for that I am sorry for you. But one of the things I have learned in life is everyone marches to the beat of a different drum and you can't change people. You can only change how you react to those that are so far away from your way of thinking. My mother and I were like oil and water most of my life and she said some pretty hurtful things to me over the years. But I was the best daughter I could be to her til she died. My oldest sister is very much like our mother but I will be the best sister I can be to her til one of us is gone. I'm not going to stoop to their levels, I will be who I am and every morning when I look in the mirror I will like the person looking back at me for that.
So you just be yourself and do what you know is right in your heart and let them live with themselves and their choices.
luv and hugs
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
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   Posted 8/25/2008 6:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Sue, I feel so bad for you and your stepmother.  I'm a stepmother myself and I can't imagine hurting one of my stepsons like that.  I love them dearly and treat them like my own two sons.  We have a wonderful relationship. 
My own oldest son does think Fibro is in my head though.  That hurts so much.  I never mention it to any of my family when I'm with them so I don't really know how the rest of them feel and don't really care. 
Time has a way of healing things.  You've had some good advice on this post. 
I'm praying things will get better, but don't give up on your father.  Mine has been dead for 10 years and I would love to be able just to see him one more time. 
God Bless!
Of all the things that I have lost, I miss my mind the most!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/25/2008 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   

Jeannie what a terrible thing for your mum to say.  My stepmother used that word fat also.  It is so blunt and unforgiving word.When I said I had actually lost weight she looked at me and said, no, even your face looks fat.

My father is an extension of her unfortunately otherwise I would be more forgiving but I havent the strength.  Told my father I need time on my own.  To be honest I dont know if I want to see him again.   The stress would be to much and all he talks about is her.He sent me an email saying she is my best friend and always has my interests at heart.  He is a puppet on a string.    Im going to just rest for now and not think of either of them.  He said that if the doc was iffy on my sypmtoms maybe the doc was right, thats how much support he gives me.  No aa break is needed.    Thanks for all the replies and for letting me hear your feelings about it,  it really does help me think ive done the right thing..    suez2 confused confused :-) :-)

Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica

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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 8/25/2008 10:59 PM (GMT -6)   

Aw Geez Sue, that's too bad that your father and stepmom are so insensitive.  I wish people didn't have to be that way and sometimes I wonder how some people can turn out so mean.  They sound like a real drag and you are probably going to be better off with them at a distance.  It is hard to keep your attitude up when you are being drug down by those around you.  and a good attitude is important when dealing with fibro.  I'm glad you have this family here who care for you and know you are not putting on.

Gentle hug,


Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 8/26/2008 12:11 AM (GMT -6)   
The weight problem in people with fibro.
google 'Insulin Resistance' or 'Metabolic Syndrome X'.

They are medical conditions that are common in people with fibro.

They also may be one of the reasons many of us have severe fatigue.

I have had insulin resistances for years and it just turned to diabetes.
the doctors have my on Metformin and one of the first things i noted was how mush more energy i have now.

Insulin resistance is a condition where the cells lose insulin receptors.
This causes the cells not to be able to use glucose and this will cause fatigue.

The problem is because the cells can not use the glucose the body stores it as fat.

Plus the body needing more fuel for the cells keeps pumping out even more insulin and insulin causes hunger.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 58
   Posted 8/26/2008 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand about the family RN....I have an aunt that asked me one time what the dr had said after an appointment. I told her they thought I had fibro. My grandmother asked what is that? Before I could answer, my aunt the RN replied. "It's just really something they tell you that you have when they can't really find anything else wrong, kind of like a catch all." Talk about ticked off!

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   Posted 8/26/2008 9:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Your post made me SO angry for you. mad   While I don't know you or your step mother, I can relate to what you are going through.  Deep down, I don't think my mother, who coincidentally is an RN, believes that I am truly sick or in pain.  I've always been the "crazy depressed" one in the family, so I must just be insane, right? rolleyes   Yeah, I'm making all this up so I can try to live on $1000 a month in SoCal, use every bit of my savings so I have no future, live in agonizing pain, and have to deal with stupid ignorant people.  OK, yeah, I'm feeling just a little bitter, today-please forgive me. blush
And, OMG, the "you're so fat thing?"  I get that from my sister-who isn't very small herself these days. mad   Oh, my mom may not believe fibro is real, but I find it very strange that my sister has it, too.  So, OK, I may be crazy, but isn't it just a little bit of a coincidence that my sister has been dxd, too? confused
Now-THAT was a good babble! shocked
Anyway, Sue, I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this.  If there is anything good that came from this, it's at least knowing the truth about how they feel.  I HATE fake people and liars. nono   Please know that we are all here for you-and personally, if you ever need to talk (and I swear, I'll let YOU talk smilewinkgrin LOL), just email me.  I may be crazy, but I'm a good listener.  No, really, I am.  Why are y'all laughing?  I AM! tongue

FINALLY dxd on 06/13/08
Vicodin, Neurontin, Ibuprofen for pain-which doesn't help, BTW
Zoloft & methadone (NOT for pain) for sanity-which doesn't help, BTW
Klonopin for anxiety (Guess what?  Doesn't help!)
Chantix to try to quit smoking (started 08/20/08)
"I'll take the Chivas instead"
-Kelly Clarkson

Post Edited (kelly71) : 8/26/2008 8:51:45 AM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 8/26/2008 9:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I totally understand how you are feeling. When I was first diagnosed with fibro 15 years ago, it was the first time that I had ever heard the word. I had doubts myself that I had a disease, I thought the doctor had made up a word because he couldn't figure out what was wrong.
As far as my family goes, they have never even tried to understand. My mother and father used to just ignore me when I would visit and I would be so nauseated that I was barely able to sit there. I lost 40 pounds because I couldn't eat. My family complimented me on my weight loss. I figured out though that the more I get stressed out, the worse I feel. I decided for my own health I would have to limit my visits. When I do visit, I try not to talk about my fibro unless asked.
Two years ago, my mother started having the same kind of nausea that accompanies my fibro. She has become much more understanding now.
I will say that as far as husbands go, mine is one of the best. This spring when I had a bad flare that lasted for a month...he took care of me like a baby. He is the one person who cares to know me well enough to know when I am not well...he never doubts me. It makes a big difference. 
mother of four sons, grandma to five, wife to one wonderful husband
fibromyalgia since 1993
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 Love people and use things NOT love things and use people.
 He is richest who is content with the least....Socrates

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   Posted 8/26/2008 10:54 AM (GMT -6)   
So sorry you have to go through this Sue. Your stepmother sounds like a piece of work. I am all for keeping it simple, as I have a few people in my life that I can only take very small doses of also. Like Bev said- limiting visits and not talking about fibro when your there I think would help.
It's sad that this is your dad and your not getting his support but then you have others that can be your support system and this group is definitely one of them. We care! GamJill
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, TMJ, Arthritis/neck
Zoloft, Tylenol 4000 mg., Zanaflex

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Date Joined Aug 2007
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   Posted 8/26/2008 11:20 AM (GMT -6)   
What are they teaching in nursing school about fibro that all these RNs don't believe in it??? I know it's not old school cause one is not that old.
I didn't know much about it til my doc dxd me, which was a blessing to have a doc that believes in it.
It is just crazy that as much as we suffer from all that goes with fibro that we deal with the non believers on top of it. Something is just wrong with that. mad
luv and hugs


Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 8/26/2008 11:44 AM (GMT -6)   

My goodness, what a step-monster!  Do you want me to book a 27 hour flight there so I can kick her butt into the outback? smilewinkgrin Just because my muscles have atrophied, I can't use my hands, and I have the energy of a ground sloth doesn't mean I can't take her!  We'll teach her not to mess with our good friend, Sue. nono nono


Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/26/2008 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
:-)  A new day, thanks again for all of you who took the time.  I am going to photo copie all your replies and use it to make me feel better when I feel guilty.
Holly you made me laugh, thats new to me lately... smilewinkgrin
And Kelly thats what they have done excactly my doc included because I have always suffered from depression no one beleives me, but who on earth has ever heard of fibro till you get it and its so unfair.  Just because your depressed doesnt mean you cant  get other things wrong mad mad mad    Plus family should know a person well enough to know its not something you would exagerate.   Im so mad that everything is just because im depressed.  Depression makes it worse but doesnt make you pretend.... mad mad mad    Bet alot of people relate, 
Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica

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