What about sex?

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QTKaren
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 8/29/2008 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok I don't know how well this subject will fly but here it goes.  When I first met my hubby everything was great.  I was recently divorced and had waited so long to meet someone like Jayson and had all these hopes and dreams for our future.  When we first really "got together"so to speak it was wonderful.  Even though I was much older and had lived with chronic pain for much of my life I had recently lost a bunch of weight and joined a gym with my daughter and with the help of a trainer I was in pretty good shape.  So for a few months life was grand not a care in the world and then I fell down the rather long set of stairs in our home and broke my back. 
 
This started a long process of trying to heal and unduring several surgeries in the middle of all of this.  Needless to say our love life wasn't all it had been in fact it was almost non existent.  We still cared very much for each other and Jayson would tell me over and over that he moved here because he loves me and not for sex but that was a big part of our life specially after me spending years in a loveless marriage.  I slowly started feeling better and with some love and time and restructuring how we made love things got somewhat back to normal at least acceptable.  Then the fibro hit and all of the sudden all the pains I had got to calm down were in full force again and the fatigue was unbelieveable.  With added pain medications and so much extra pain sex became a thing of the past and I seriously didnt think about it all that aften anymore but I knew this life was very hard on Jay.
 
So occasionally we will approach the subject and even plan for it but it never goes as planned.  I always end up hurting like crazy and have no energy and most times it ends with me in tears and Jay just feeling sad.  He is still very understanding about it all because I do know that he loves me but it makes me wonder is this how life will be forever? Now with the fibro I see no end in sight to this.  Are my expectations too high?  All I know is we have altered how we do things over and over and wedsnday was Jaysons birthday.  I wanted the day to be perfect for him and that included him getting some "loving"
from me since the last time was when we were in Las Vegas the end of May.  I thought I had it all figured out.  Make sure I was well rested and had takin my pain meds about a half hour before the big event but halfway through things I started hurting and it got worse and there was no way I was going to wreck Jays one special day after making him wait so long.  So I went on with it and didnt say a thing about the pain.  Needless to say it wasn't a enjoyable exsperience for me(other then that I was making Jay happy)but I was a great actress.
 
Well yesterday I woke up in a flare.  My back was on fire and I couldnt hardly move my messed up hip and I had a raging headache,my arms and legs felt like they were 20 tons and so achey.  So I hoped for a better day today since I had lots of errands to run starting this morning but I knew 2 hours before the alarm went off when I was forced to get up because of pain that this too would not be a good day and as I was wondering about why I still hurt it hit me.......flare.   So I made some calls to rearrange my day,still got the errands just doing them slower.  And this all makes me so afraid to even try to continue with our sex life as meager as it is.
 
My question to the forum is how do others cope with this subject?  I brought it up to a pain forum I was on and it was like ppls lips were sealed.  I know we talk about trying to take care of our families and our kids and dealing with work and daily tasks but this is also an important part of the lives of couples dealing with chronic pain and fibro.  In this area I feel like I have let Jay down the most and sometimes I feel that closeness slipping away and that we live more like roommates then lovers.  Sometimes or should I say lots of times I get so paranoid that he might be approaching having sex when he is being affectionate that it actually brings about panick.  Like Oh God is that what he's thinking about? and then why shouldnt he? when things have gone from several times a day(ok that was a new romance) to maybe once every few months if he's lucky?  So is it the same for other couples? is anyone brave enough to talk about it?  I just have noone else who would even understand.  I even tried talking to my daughter who I am very open with but she was like"helloooooooo your in pain if he doesnt like it too bad!!" but thats her mom she is protecting.  Just sitting here this morning hurting and sad that what should have been a sweet and beautiful thing between us the other day has now got me in a flare and messing up my whole week and trying not to make Jayson feel guilty for any of it when he did nothing wrong.
 
Soft Hug's,
Karen
Karen
 
Mom of one gramma to 4
 
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain


d2parrotperson
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 320
   Posted 8/29/2008 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
This is a touchy subject. Most people tend to be ultra private, self included. My DH is very sensitive to my pain, adn as such sleeps on the couch most of the time. He doesn't want to bother me, or wake me. He is so wonderful, and never pressures me. I want to be with him when I can. The when varies between every few nights to one or twice a month. I try not to deny him any more than necessary. I don't want him to be tempted and scripture is very clear that a wife should not deny her husband.

Frankly, when I feel bad, but good enough to allow it, I grin and bear it. I try not to ever tell him how much it hurts. But he constantly asks me if I'm okay.
150mg Azathioprine, Lomotil, Iron, Nexium 2/day, Fentanyl patch, Oxycodone, Baclofin
Crohn's, Fibromyalgia, Several bulging discs, Bone spurs, Osteoarthritis, Osteopenia, Reflux, Stenosis, Strictures, Dengenerating facet joints
2 resections
 
Stephanie
When I am weak, then am I strong


Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 8/29/2008 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
I have found that the marriage act makes my pain disappear for about two hours. When I quizzed my doctor on this she explained that the gentle stretching, increased circulation and the natural endorphins released lead to the "pain free" time. She actually prescribed more love life for less pain.

I"m not sure where your pain is coming from but it may be time for a frank talk with your doc about what's up with your meds and sexual activity. Also, I would speak frankly with your sweetie, saying you miss the closeness and how your anxiety affects your enjoyment. There are lots of ways to make each other feel good and they do not all have to lead to the "big climax". When you love someone you want what is best for them. Jay wants what is best for you, but you have to help him find it. Perhaps some of the new lubricants that are available, along with some gentle understanding will lead to more good times in this department. You may just have to sit down and explain how you feel and how it's affecting everything.

Men like to be loved, but as they age they have performance anxiety, too. All the "man drugs" advertised on TV don't help matters much, either! Every loving act doesn't have to go to the top of the mountain. Sometimes it's just a gentle back rub or a foot rub before sleep. Sometimes it's just fitting together like spoons. Talk to your guy and tell him everything. Ask him how you can make him happy, even if you are having some pain. Be truthful. He will probably surprise you.
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Irish Babe
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1371
   Posted 8/29/2008 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen, I am basically a shy person, I don't generally have these discussions even w/ closest g-friends. When my DH and I got married I really didn't know much of anything, but my hubby was/is a very gentle man and has always been very attentive to my feelings. We decided early on to be very honest w/ each other, always in a loving manner. Thru the yrs. we have both had some tough health issues, and at times we had to put some things on the back burner - but we would always cuddle and most importantly TALK about what was and was not going on. We have made plans that later had to be changed, but we keep an open dialogue.

We never spoke of such things in my house growing up, as a matter of fact, I'm still waiting to have THE TALK w/ my mother lol. I have tried to change that dark closed way of feeling in my house. I have always spoken w/ my children about love. Sometimes I feel lousy don't feel like I will be up to the night and yet, I am so happy when I look into his eyes and I see the look that is reserved for me. I have never been made to feel guilty, nor have I done it to him. I never pull away from him, we all need closeness even if it doesn't lead to sex. I always hope for the best, and thankfully, I have him.

I wish you the best.

God bless.  Alice.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 8/29/2008 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen,

If you are worried about pleasing him, there are other ways besides intercourse to do that. Maybe that would be something you could think about.

My husband and I both also have health issues and it makes sex hard at times. But we do always work it out. And as Jeannie said, those endorphins get going and you feel wonderful.

I hope that you can find the answer that you are looking for.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


kelly71
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 726
   Posted 8/29/2008 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
QTK, my sister in gab! turn
 
OK, I consider myself a very open and honest person, probably a little too honest and open at times, so unlike a lot of people here (and I respect everyone's own personal feelings on this subject), I'll probably need to censor myself. tongue LOL 
 
Anyway, the last "time" this happened for me, I was in the middle of a horrible flare, and I was SO painful that things didn't go very well-I mean, they went well, but I was so painful that they didn't go very well for me.  Wait, you know what?  I can't "tell it like it is" here, so please email me (I'd email you, but you don't have your address available to click on).
 
So, email me and I'll tell you the whole story, LOL.  That way, I can be completely honest and I won't get banned! smilewinkgrin

FINALLY dxd on 06/13/08
Vicodin, Neurontin, Ibuprofen for pain-which doesn't help, BTW
Zoloft & methadone (NOT for pain) for sanity-which doesn't help, BTW
Klonopin for anxiety (Guess what?  Doesn't help!)
Chantix to try to quit smoking (started 08/20/08)
 
"I'll take the Chivas instead"
-Kelly Clarkson


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 8/29/2008 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, my DH and I are probably one of the oldest couples on here, he is 65 and I'm 58. We usually make love once a week, Sat or Sun. I have become a late morning person and that's the time that works best for us now. We have gone through a lot of changes over the years and adapted to them but I won't give up sex with him til neither one of us can move. Get creative it is doable. That closness is too important to me and any pain I had before is usually forgotten about during and after.
 
Stephanie, what size of bed do you have??? We have a king and the last time we got mattresses we got two extra long twins and really don't know each other is in bed. I hate to read about couples not sharing a bed cause of fibro.
 
Alice, I waited til my mom died to have the sex talk and find out where babies come from, never found out. smilewinkgrin
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
Co Q 10, Super B Complex, Extra B12, Multi vitamin


QTKaren
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 8/29/2008 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
You guys are the best tongue without going into details(not that in private I am all that subdued =) you let me know that it's going to be OK.  I just love this man so much and it's already been a marriage that they said would never work( I met Jay online and he moved from St.Louis to be here oh and did I mention that I am 15 years older then him?)  maybe that is part of what bothers me so much.  I came into this romance with Jay at the end of a 13 year marriage,a marriage that I thought would never end and for so many years we did endure bad times and came through only to have that all go away with alcoholism.  I don't have to worry about that with Jay,heck he has had a few wine coolers in 8 years lol.  I guess that being with a younger man at that point in my life brought some life back to me after feeling dead for so long.  Jayson and I are affectionate most of the time as in holding hands whenever we are together and lots of loving kisses through the day.
 
And as for the endorphins there are plenty of them but still the pain is there and after when the endorphins are gone I can barely move and Jay see's that and he feels guilty.  I tell him hey look buddy you werent the only one there but he never wants to cause me pain and doesnt feel like there is anything in the vows that said we had to be there in that way in times of trouble.  Not sure about scripture but I think God would understand.  I spent so many years in a bad marriage giving in when I didnt want to or couldnt handle it and wanted a open honest relasionship with Jay.  Anyways thanx so much for the feedback and honesty.  And Kelly I will send ya my addy smilewinkgrin
 
Soft Hugs,
Karen
Karen
 
Mom of one gramma to 4
 
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 8/29/2008 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen, you do have a lot more health problems and pain going on than I do so it is understandable that your not always up to it. Just keep the communication open so he can tell you what he needs. I can understand your insecurities about the age difference but if he is coming home to you every night you obviously don't have to worry. Everlasting love finds a way through all the obstacles in life.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
Co Q 10, Super B Complex, Extra B12, Multi vitamin


LdyJane
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 903
   Posted 8/29/2008 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
QTK, May I suggest that fibro may be playing only a small part in this; your list of dx's is extensive, including back issues. I found that when intimacy between my husband and I decreased that significantly, when it was attempted, the muscles were less than pleased; the next day I would be in trouble and until I saw the chiropractor I was guaranteed a miserable day.

My muscles get so stiff that the activity would pull everything out of whack and be stretched much more then they willingly wanted to be stretched. One way that I worked around this is a hot bath, whirlpool or shower prior AND after....and, may I suggest a change in position. It's worth a try.

My husband was very understanding, but it still bothered me; eventually we worked it out; I agree with Marlee, communication is key.
hugs,
Janice

Lindaloo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 8/29/2008 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,

I have nothing to add to the subject beyond what has already been said, but I wanted to congratulate you on bringing up a difficult subject in such a tasteful manner. It must have been hard on you to open up like that and I commend you for doing so. You must really really love your husband very much. I applaud you.

Good luck and God bless.

Lindaloo
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.
 
Linda


Sue2z
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/29/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   

Karen im so glad someone had the courage to bring this up.  Im ashamed to say its been three years since we had sex and I feel so bad about it but I just cant get into any comfortable position and I think it would just about kill me, in fact even if I did try I would end up stopping from the pain.  But I am really goiong to try soon.  My husband is very understanding as we dont even sleep together as I need pillows under and around me and it takes the whole bed up.  Its all so awful this fibro in all areas we are affected,  at least you have tried, im honestly to afraid to but lately I have been thinking its worth a shot, at least then you know youve tried it.

Thanks for this posting, I think it is very important , you just beat me into posting it..   wink wink wink    sue2z


Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica


Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 8/29/2008 10:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Sue2z,
Your pillow mention... My hubby comments quite often about me 'building my nest' before I can go to sleep. On a cold night he will remove some pillows and substitute himself for me to rest against. We have even started to laugh about the "Nest". We have a king sized bed, too. I wonder if that might be the thing to try?
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Ingenua
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 8/30/2008 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not sure how PG-13 this forum is .. but here's my story:

I'm generally in pain.. a lot! and sore.. and really stiff in the mornings. sometimes the act itself would be painful.. but not really my body. and in the morning.. i'd almost always be ok. maybe the endorphins being released really did help with the pains. who knows. the only time i would feel like poop the next morning.. was if we tried sumpin new.. that.. err.. required more muscle work that i don't normally use. in that case.. i'd wake up really stiff.. like i just did some insane weight lifting workout at the gym and used muscles i never knew i had. but generally, in those cases.. it's not so much painful.. just more stiff.

hope that helps.. lol
: )

hhh
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Karen,

boy oh boy.  After reading the responses, I'm surprised by the frequency other couples experience.  We are quite a bit more infrequent and it is a huge issue for my husband.  I will say I noticed an increase in my sex drive after starting Cymbalta.  I really wasn't thinking much about it before except in the context that I knew my husband needed it and when tensions rise, if he doesn't get that release, we wil argue about anything and everything.  I have to remind myself to work it into our schedules when it has been too long.  Is the pain in your back or is it vaginal?  It's hard to know what to suggest not knowing the source of the pain.  If it was just the pain during lovemaking, you could probably deal with it but since it sets off a flair, that's a whole other ballgame.  I try not to live in constant fear that something I do is going to set off a flair but it's always lingering there like a whisper in my head.  Anyway, sex is not generally painful for me but my husband has a hard time climaxing and usually requests that we finish manually.  This is painful because my hands, wrists, fingers, and forearms hurt all the time.  I don't like it but I like my marriage.  I don't like the side effects of some of my meds either but I figure out when the benefits outweigh the costs.  For you it may be that the costs outweigh the benefits, i don't know but I do know that sex is extremely important to men and to a healthy or even barely breathing marriage.  I did develop a strategy for dealing with the anxiety that perhaps his affection was leading to sex in his mind.  I will say something goofy like, "I love when you snuggle up close to me.  It makes me feel so safe.  I was thinking that um if you don't have something better to do on Saturday night maybe we could you know, have a little fun, drink a little wine, get down tonight (I don't think those lyrics are exactly right but it gets the point across)"  That way he knows I'm not thinking about it right now but am interested, even if I'm not up to it right now.  Plus I can plan for it, which, for me, helps a lot.  I think we will have more suggestions for you when we know what hurts.  Or maybe you just need to tone it down a bit and stop swinging from the chandalier!!  You're not 18 anymore (even if Jay is ha ha)  I crack myself up.  You can email me if you like.  Just put something in the subject line like fibro forum so i won't delete without reading.

Keep on yeah you know, dancing.

Holly


hhh
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh wait--it's "have a little fun, make a little love, get down tonight" I'm such a child of the 70s.
h

Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
We do have some teen girls on here so it is important to not be too explicit but with fibro they may be facing this problem themselves many years down the road when they are married.
 
Suez, I found your post very sad. I hope you find relief from the pain and can welcome your hubby back in your bed.
 
Several years ago I did something that wasn't too smart and pulled every muscle in my lower back. Actually, it was a few days before 9/11 and the only way I could sleep for weeks was to put my back up against my DH's at night for support. So don't kick them out of your beds use them to your advantage. smilewinkgrin Mine has an on and off switch and can sleep in any position so it's like having a big old heating pad in bed with me.
 
I need to make new pillows today for my nest. The fiber fill is getting clumpy and won't fluff the way it should. I use cotton pillow covers with zippers and fill them to my liking with fiber fill. I like them understuffed for my head so I can tuck some under my neck for support.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
Co Q 10, Super B Complex, Extra B12, Multi vitamin


QTKaren
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 8/30/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Holly,
 
I dont have any problems with lubrication or pain in that department.  Mostly its my back.  The fracture I had healed pretty good but I ended up with a tilted and cracked sacrum and have atrophy in my low back so those are alwasy easily strained and a few blown discs.  And then theres the buttock issue,with having my tailbone removed they basicly have to split ya like a mellon so all those glut muscles have been cut.  My husband is a rather large man 6'2" and about 270 and most of that is in front so being close face to face is nearly impossible as he would crush me ecks!  So lets just say over the years I have takin on more of the acrobatic roll.  We do know there are other ways to please each other and do alot since most other things dont work anymore but even that stresses my back and upper back between the shoulder blades.  There truly is not one comfortable posistion for me and to top it off my bed has the huge memory foam 4inch topper on it so we dissapear into that so all thats left is the sofa.  My problem is with everything I do I start out ok but after a few minutes my muscles are screaming in burning pain and I cant really use my right leg much because of the torn hip joint that refuses to allow me to bring that leg out or up sighhhhhhh.  I gotta say that if Jay lost like 50 pounds life would be so much simpler and for health reasons he needs to do this but it has been a struggle with that and I cant make it happen.  If I could just break him from soda and candy most of the weight would be gone.  I guess the first step is a more workable bed and we should be able to afford that soon.  Things were easier during our trip to vegas when they had a super comfortable bed and king sized to boot.  By the way the longest it has been for Jay and I to be together was 5 months!!!!
 
I realy do love all the response on this thread and ya I do feel brave bringing it up seeing as when i did on my old pain forum not one person responded and then later a few comments about it was a place for discussing pain and not sex............hellooooooooo sex can be pain and its a part of our lives that we  only want to make better.   Once again thanx so much for helping and I do love you all so much for it.  Everyday I feel closer to my firbro family.
 
Soft Hug's,
Karen
Karen
 
Mom of one gramma to 4
 
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain


kelly71
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 726
   Posted 8/30/2008 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
QTK,
 
LOL-I sent you an email, but after reading everyone's posts, I probably could have just posted it here (although, I'd have to say a few things in a more politically correct way LOL).  Anyway, I wish I had the guts to ask this question a long time ago.  It's interesting how so many of us have wanted to ask the same thing.  Thanks for having the nerve, my sister in babbling! smilewinkgrin
FINALLY dxd on 06/13/08
Vicodin, Neurontin, Ibuprofen for pain-which doesn't help, BTW
Zoloft & methadone (NOT for pain) for sanity-which doesn't help, BTW
Klonopin for anxiety (Guess what?  Doesn't help!)
Chantix to try to quit smoking (started 08/20/08)
 
"I'll take the Chivas instead"
-Kelly Clarkson


mamanan
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 846
   Posted 8/30/2008 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
It's funny you posted this, because I was trying to find the nerve to ask this question myself. Other than when we were first dating, I can't say I ever had the most active libido. Then through each of my pregnancies, I wouldn't let him touch me, then again for the first 6 months or so of breastfeeding. I know, how on earth did we end up with 4? lol. I am very blessed to have such an understnading dh, but I can't say it didn't bring a few tense moments in our marriage. The key has always been to talk, and to try and build intimacy in other ways, like make sure you kiss adn say I love you everyday. After I weaned the youngest dd, our sex life had become the best since we were married, and it really helped strenghten our bond. But now since I've gotten sick, I'm losing interest again. I'm usually so tired at night, mine isn't b/c of hurting but the fatigue. I can understand how it must be so hard for you, with all your injuries. You've gotten some great responses, but I'll say it one more time, TALK. Talk to each other about how you feel, that really raises the intimacy too. After we did this, adn I got used to the little hugs and kisses, I didn't shy away from dh anymore. Liek you, I was always afraid of what he was after. So I'm tryign to adjust one more time, but we have experience. Still, dh was so happy, I'd like to find a way around the fatigue too. Maybe once the kids start school and opens up some free time in the day, it will get better for me. Was that PG enough? ;)
in the land of Limbo, taking OTC meds only.
Don't know what's wrong, can't fix it, doctors are so sloooow!!!


Dagger
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1522
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
My fibro doesn't cause me any problems in this department but the endometriosis and abdominal adhesions cause occasional problems. My guy is also a lot younger than I am. We use creativity and humor to deal with any difficulties.

Your guy needs to lose weight. My guy lost 50 lbs and it made a world of difference. It takes a lot of pressure off of you and gives you more options with positions. I can not stress how much of a difference it made. Don't take all the blame for this. It is not just your problem. After reading your story, I'm amazed you can do it at all!

If you only try at night, maybe a different time of day will help. Don't fear it or constantly worry about a flare, that's the sure way to get one. Put the age difference out of your mind, remember - he chose to be with you. Have a frank discussion that flirting and loving caresses are just that, it does not mean that you can do it that day. This means you have to have a clear way to signal when you will do it. You may also discuss that you'd be willing to try but he needs to understand that you may need to stop before he'd like to.

I am also one of those people that will freely talk about anything so I will do my best to keep my next suggestion PG-13. He needs to be just about "ready" before you attempt the togetherness. He can even get himself ready, with any help you can give, so that the difficult part is over in a minute or two. When he is getting "ready", you can talk in a sexy or naughty manner, or maybe try stroking his body (his whole body) with a feather, piece of silk, a string of beads, anything that creates a different sensation. This keeps you a part of the act without requiring too much of you. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but most change is. Sometimes we get so silly, no one can finish anything with all the laughter.

If you can go to a decent "adult store" you can find things that could add interest. Not all adult stores are sleazy but it does take a lot of nerve to walk into even a nice one the first time. Go with your guy or find an adventurous girlfriend. They don't just sell kinky stuff but stay out of any back room! You can remain completely anonymous if you pay with cash. You can also browse an online store, it may give you ideas. Make it an adventure.

Showing him that you are interested and making an effort despite your challenges may cause him to do his part and lose some weight. Talk to your doctor or gyn. I am sure you won't be the first person to ask your doctor for help and advice on sex. It is considered a quality of life issue and is just as important as any other things you do. If it wasn't important, why would insurance companies pay for Viagra?

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I tried to keep this PG.

Sue2z
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:38 PM (GMT -7)   
To MARLEE2,  got to thinking and decided well tonight I will give it a go ,  he fell asleep on the couch.  Maybe tonight.... suez2 smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin
Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica


Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 8/31/2008 9:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I'm not sure how much help I'll be since I've hardly had any experience. I know that when I was with my first bf, it was many years before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The first time we made love, well it was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced and had to stop after five minutes. We did try a couple more times and it didn't hurt as much but was still very painful and was never enjoyable for me. I did try to please him in other ways but those never worked out. Either my hands would cramp up or my gag reflex was too strong if you get my meaning.

On top of finding intercourse to be painful, I've always had a really low libido so I'm hardly ever interested in doing more than cuddling.

It kind of makes me grateful that I'm in a long distance relationship right now. We rarely ever see each other so these issues have never come up.
~Kythe
____________



Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 9/1/2008 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I really think this is a very important subject to talk about but please keep it as PG as possible girls. I know it's hard to talk grown up talk when little eyes may be reading.
 
Suez, I'm sure it wouldn't have taken much to get him off the couch last night so hope you had a good time. smilewinkgrin
 
I realize a lot of you have children at home so you don't have the luxury of picking the time of day as I do but if mornings are better sit the alarm a little early once in awhile on weekends before the children get up. When it comes to intimacy where there is a will there is a way. I raised three boys sometimes sneaking around to find a few minutes for each other made it more fun.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
Co Q 10, Super B Complex, Extra B12, Multi vitamin


QTKaren
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 9/6/2008 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Dagger,

You did a great job and beleive me I have already been there on some of the suggestions. We have even "shopped" together so thats not an issue. The weight thing is easier said then done. One week he does ok and then the next he is right back to snackie heaven. The man likes to eat and I am aprouching this more from a health standpoint with him then appearence but its not going well. We are shopping for a new bed and maybe that will do the trick after medication changes I am alot more interested now so the ball is in his court. I have told him if he made more of an effort he would be peasantly surprized but its not fair for me to do this all on my own and I am letting him know that. You guys have all been great on this and its like fibro and other pain related things have takin so much from us I just dont want a decent sex life to pass any of us by.

Soft Hug's and Good Luck
Karen
Karen
 
Mom of one gramma to 4
 
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain,nerve damage due to botched bladder surgery,torn hip joint,hypoglycymic
 
Norco(double strength vicodin) 80 to 100 mg @ day
Ms Contin(morphine) 45 mg @ day
Lyrica 600mg @ day
Baclofen 30mg@day
 

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