family doing things without you

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Kythe
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Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/20/2008 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Have you ever had a time where your family wanted to do something but you weren't feeling up to it and instead of them saying that it was ok, that you could all do it another time, just went without you?

My family really wanted to go out to eat tonight, but I wasn't feeling up to it. I'm not in that much pain today, but just really tired and I really didn't want to eat in a restaurant because it gets so noisy in those places from everyone talking, not to mention that I don't have much of an appetite. I really think didn't they would go without me, but they did. They went out to eat and left me all alone and it hurts. cry I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid to think that they should wait till I'm feeling better so I can be included.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Meggie
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 9/20/2008 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Kythe,
This is a tough one. I'm not really sure how I would feel. I don't want my family to stop living their lives because of my limitations but I can't say that I wouldn't be hurt either. I have a lot of quilt about holding my family back from the things they love. Does your family always do things together? You might want to talk to them about it when they get home, ask them why they left without you or at least asked if you would mind if they went anyway. Maybe they thought they would be giving you some time to rest; you wouldn't have to make a meal for them. I'm really sorry this has hurt you, I do know how you feel.

Meggie

Lindaloo
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 9/20/2008 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Well now this is just the type of reaction that I would have had but I don't think it is a healthy one.

Just because you couldn't go, doesn't mean that they shouldn't go. But they should at least offer to bring you something back to eat. Remember, you don't want your limitations limiting your family in any way. Pull your chin up, take a nice hot bath and wait for them to come home and enjoy their company when they come home again. Try not to make them feel guilty in any way.

Now having said all that, I understand 100% that you feel hurt and left out. As I said, it's how I would feel a lot of the time, but I don't think it's healthy to feel that way. I just don't.

Gentle hugs,

Lindaloo
Moderator Chronic Pain
 
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.
 
Linda


Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/20/2008 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
We don't always do everything everything together. For example, anything of a religious nature I stay out of and they do that without me. But going out to dinner is normally something we do together. When I told my mother that I really wasn't up to eating out tonight, she said I should force myself and get myself moving. That really made no sense to me. Why should I force myself to go out when I'm not up to it, I'd just end up making things worse. I suppose my mother's mindset was that she and my sisters were going to go out and have a good time and if I didn't want to come then it was my loss. So they're off eating steak and I'm eating mac and cheese. To add on to everything I'm having one of my fibro fevers and I'm always more emotional when my temperature is up.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Meggie
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 9/20/2008 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Kythe,

It does sounds like they were a bit insensitive.  My mother was the same way with me.  She thought she new what was best for me but that wasn't always the case.  Mother's mean well (most of the time) but sometimes you just have to stand your ground.  Let her know how it made you feel.  I agree with Linda, it would have been nice if they had offered to bring something back for you. 

Don't let this ruin your evening.  You cannot control how others are going to see things and it's not worth upsetting yourself over.  Take care of you tonight.  Mac N Cheese can be pretty good, comfort food, yum.

Feel better!

Meggie


Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/20/2008 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah mac and cheese is very good. Just I eat mac and cheese all the time and hardly ever get to have steak. Though I suppose I'm not missing much, the restaurant never makes steak as good as my mother does. I guess I'll try to read a book and get my mind off of this.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Meggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 9/20/2008 5:03 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm glad you feel a little better :-) .  Do something just for yourself tonight, you deserve it!

Meggie


Sue2z
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 368
   Posted 9/20/2008 6:47 PM (GMT -7)   

My family booked at holiday a year in advance, it was only for the three of them as it couldnt be guaranteed I would be up for it.  Boy did it hurt when they flew to the other side of country without me for three weeks especially as I was really bad physically It still really hurts to think of because I wouldnt of gone if situation reversed.  They are always coming and going together and I always stay home but they always ask, for shops ect and I always say no.  It hurts though when you see life going on around you, like you dont exist. When the kids need lifts once upon a time it would be me who took them now its not so that hurts to.  They only do what they have to do so its not to bad I guess. I force myself out on the weekends but I dont think they have any idea how hard it is. mad cry


Fibromyalgia, ulcerative colonitus, arthritus, bi-polar
norspan patch, valium, prothiedon, lyrica


luvmyboxer
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 9/20/2008 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   

This happens to me a lot. My DH is out without me right now doing something that he enjoys and that I *usually* enjoy but my ribs are hurting so much tonight and I have been dealing with a pinched nerve in my neck for nearly 3 weeks now. I could have went and suffered but decided against it.

I feel left out. I feel like he continues to have "fun" and I miss out on so much already due to my crazy job hours that I sometimes hold it against him when he leaves me and I am feeling so bad. I know it's not right but it is what it is.

Another issue is that I always have to be the "responsible" one. The dog also needed walked (he somehow couldn't do it today while he wasn't working---I was.....I have laundry being done (our bedding) and I won't leave the home with the dryer running YET someone (ME) had to stay home and get it finished. Oh well now you got me started!

I'm sorry you are feeling neglected. I know the feeling.


Susi
 
The more time I spend with people, the more I like my dog.
 
 


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 9/21/2008 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Kythe, you are not going to like my response.  You said, in your original post that "I'm not in that much pain today, but just really tired and really didn't want to eat in a restaurant because it gets so noisy in those places from everyone talking, not to mention I don't have much of an appetite."  You made the decision not to go.  You were included and your Mom wanted you to go but you chose not to go.  Why do you think they should all stay home because you chose not to go?  It wasn't because of pain.  It was because you didn't feel like going.  That, to me, is the big difference here. 
 
I had times where I chose not to go places and my family went without me.  That was fine with me, since I made that choice.  I couldn't expect my family to stay home just because I didn't want to go.  We have health issues but the world moves forward anyway.  You have to make the effort or you will be left behind...and it's not always something as simple as a restaurant. 
 
I know I take every opportunity to get out in the world and live my life, whether or not I feel like it.  I usually don't feel like it but I do it anyway and am glad I did.  I do some travelling and some day trips with a group.  I can't tell you how many times the day of a trip arrives and I wished I hadn't signed up and paid for it.  But, just because I didn't feel like going, I didn't stop myself from going.  AND, I have always been glad that I went because I ended up having a good time.  Sitting home by yourself and feeling sorry for yourself is not living.  No one wants to hurt your feelings, Kythe, including me.  But, life goes on and you need to jump in and start enjoying it.  No one can do that for you.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/21/2008 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Well yes I wasn't in much pain, but I was exhausted and from my own experience, if I force myself to go out when I'm feeling that way, I'll end up pushing myself into a flare.

I'm glad that you you've had good experiences with forcing yourself to do things and have ended up having a good time. Unfortunately, I can't think of a single instance where that's happened with me. In the past, before I even knew I had fibro, if I ever forced myself to do something I didn't want to do, I've always ended up regretting it. And of course everyone else there ends up wishing I had stayed home as well because no one wants to be around me when I'm feeling miserable.

Maybe someday someone will teach me how to enjoy life.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


MEG25801
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 9/21/2008 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Funny how this post popped up today.  I love going 4-wheeling.  Last night all of our friends were going and I CHOSE to stay home for the pure fact that I knew if I went I would be in horrible pain today.  Yeah I felt bad because I missed out...but I stayed home and enjoyed the peace and quiet LOL.  My hubby and daughter went and they had a blast.  They came home muddy as heck and they really had a good time.  I am very happy they did.  I don't want them to miss out on things just because I can't do them anymore!!
Diagnosed with Panic Disorder-GERD-GAD-IBS-DDD-Arthritis-Controled HBP-Going to Doc in Sept to be evaluated for Fibro.
Meds: Cardizem CD~Prilosec~Klonopin(prn)~Daily Vitamin~Tylenol


Jokat
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 278
   Posted 9/22/2008 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   

Kythe,  I am very glad that Sherrine responded to this post before I did. I am known for being a tough love kinda guy and she was able to share with you thoughts that I had in a more sensitive way.

It would have been insensitive foryour family to not invite you...... It would have been insensitive for you to expect them to stay home and eat Mac and Cheese because you did not feel like going out to dinner.

 


JoKat
 
Fibro is a life sentence, but not a death sentence.
Fibro since 2005
Lyrica, Cymbalta, Trazadone


solar powered
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 538
   Posted 9/22/2008 7:28 AM (GMT -7)   
At least they are still asking you to do things with them. When they stop asking, that's the time to be really upset. I hope that day never comes for you. Lisa

sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 9/22/2008 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
My whole family went on vacation without me this spring, i guess I procrastinated too long
with my descion on whether to go or not, now i wish i had gone. I will know for next time that i do want  to go.
But i do agree with Sherrine, that they should not have to stay home becouse you didnt feel up to going. But would be nice to offer to bring you back something.  With that being said i still understand how you feel.
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06 Spondlylosis/Disc Degernation Disease severe arthitis lower back -08,implantedInterstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines
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Dagger
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1522
   Posted 9/22/2008 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Kythe,

You said, "Maybe someday someone will teach me how to enjoy life"

This isn't something that someone can teach you. You have to do it on your own. You have depression listed as one of your problems. Is it being treated effectively? You can't find pleasure in life when you are depressed.

You and you alone can make the decision to enjoy life, or at least parts of it. Start small. Change is hard.

One of my favorite sayings is "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" I keep it posted in my hallway to remind me when I am having a bad day/week/month.

Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/22/2008 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I've suffered from depression for most of my life. My depression fluctuates in its severity, but overall it's never gotten any better, so no, I'd say it's not being treated effectively. I can't take psychiatric medication, it doesn't work, and it often makes things worse, not to mention intolerable side effects. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 10 and I've had to constantly change therapists for one reason or other which might be at fault for my lack of progress. I'm actually in between therapists at the moment because my last one didn't have room for me in her schedual any longer. There are alternative treatments I'd like to explore such as biofeedback and hypnosis but unfortunately my insurance won't cover them. I think I've pretty much accepted that I'll have to deal with depression for the rest of my life and all I can do is distract myself from it.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Dagger
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1522
   Posted 9/22/2008 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Kythe,
I hope you didn't take my post in a negative way because I certainly didn't mean it that way. I understand the problem with the meds, my doc talked me into taking an anitidepressant for sleep and I ended up depressed and suicidal.

I hope you find a therapist you can work with and a treatment that helps.

Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/22/2008 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
No, it's fine, I didn't take it negatively.
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia


Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 9/23/2008 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Kythe,
I want you to know that when you are a bit older the antidepressants may start working for you. Your chemistry changes as you age and meds work differently. I have found that when everyone wants to do something and I can't participate I do something that I wouldn't do when they are here. I save these things for when I'm alone. I like to listen to classical music and my family ABSOLUTELY HATES it! I put in a cd and crank it up. I like watching historical movies, my hubby calls them my "ladies in long dresses" movies so I save some of those for when everyone is gone. And, if I had been you I'd have asked the family to bring home a steak for me. If you have them prepare it very rare, you can reheat it in a pan and get it to the doneness you like. It's not a perfect solution, but that way you could have the best of both worlds, the steak and some time to yourself.

You will soon find that when you choose the things that help you feel better, the things you miss become less important. A lot of fibro is learning we can't have our cake and eat it, too. (sigh!) Still, we can wish...
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Kythe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/23/2008 11:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Well it might be true that meds work differently as you age, but considering the severity of the problems I'd had with them, I doubt I'll ever be willing to risk it again. My body just doesn't tolerate medications very well in general and so now I won't take any meds unless absolutely necessary(in my opinion, not my doctor's).
~Kythe
____________


Allergies, Asthma, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, PCOS, Fibromyalgia

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