Am I being unreasonable in what I ask from my fibro wife?

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brettw777
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/25/2008 7:51 PM (GMT -7)   

I am a man who does not have fibro but my wife does. She is 40 and we have 2 boys, 8 and 5. We are currently separated due to financial reasons. That gets complicated. I am looking for some honest opinions of our situation. I have an online Ebay business. It used to pay better than now and we really need more money. I have been hinting to my wife for the last few years that I need her help to do something to bring in more money. She has not worked for 8 years. She just learned about a year ago about her fibro.

Now, my business takes so much of my time that I have virtually no life. I could work slightly more hours and make a lot more money with help. I understand about fibro and its many potential symptoms. I am not a skeptic. Having said that, I really do not understand why my wife feels like she is unable to commit to helping me even 2-3 hours per day if we get back together, something I would really like to do.

Let me explain to you what I am asking from her and you tell me if I am being unreasonable. I sell shoes on Ebay. I bring in the shoes and they need to be: sorted and photographed. This could be done sitting down though I have always done it standing up. They (pictures) need to be uploaded to computer, cropped and uploaded to a website. They need to be described for Ebay. When they sell, there is the matter of copying and pasting the addresses into Wordpad and handling email questions. The hardest, physical part of the job is simply dropping the shoes into boxes and taping the boxes shut and taping the labels on. This is a part that I would help her with. There might be 75-90 boxes a week. I have lower back issues so it is probably harder on me than her when she is feeling good.

That is it. I am asking if she can do 2-3 hours per day roughly 6 days a week. I can handle the rest. I realize that she will have good days and bad days. We do homeschool the children but computer teaching CDs does most of that work. We can eat out, eat pizza, spaghetti, leftovers, etc. and I know how to cook so I don't care if she makes a king's meal every night.

If there are days when she does not feel good at all, she does not have to do anything, even though sitting at a computer (half of the work) is not much more work than lying in bed. She or I could make it up the next day. I am flexible. She can do this work any hours of the day she feels good. Yes, I said any. There has never been a day her fibro was so bad she could not get out of bed. I have questioned her self-motivation throughout our 18 year marriage. I feel that what I am asking her to commit to is not that much. Please give me your opinion and keep this in mind. I cannot keep this family afloat doing it all myself. That is why we separated. We are in emergency mode. This is not so I can buy a new set of golf clubs. This is so we can buy health insurance, car repairs, fibro treatment and pay the basic bills. We have no social life and have not in awhile. I don't want her to work. I need her to. What do you think? Be as harsh as you like. I can take it.


donnaeil
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 10/25/2008 10:23 PM (GMT -7)   
As a homeschooling single parent I can attest that it is very difficult to run a business while living with fibro. In fact, when I began feeling a lot of pain I had to stop my work at home job, which I loved, completely.

Perhaps you can find a neighborhood high school student to help you out for a few hours per day at a low wage. A six hour a week part time job would be very hard for me. Get some outside help.

I will attest that homeschooling is hard work. We are available for our children during and after school hours. I felt that my relationship with my children was important and that caring for them was the only thing I could do (and that just barely).

Anyway, the payoff in homeschooling is phenomenal. My children are young adults now and I am very happy with how they matured.

Donnaeil

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 10/25/2008 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Brett, and welcome to the fibromyalgia forum.  Well, we are not marriage counselors here.  We are people with fibro.  The way fibromyalgia affects people is a very individual thing.  What one person can do, another cannot.  So, we are not in any position to speak to what your wife can manage.
 
I will tell you, though, that handling two children, ages 5 and 8, is a handful!  Plus she is homeschooling them.  She is doing the work of two adults right now and you want to add another 12-18 hours a week more to this schedule!  She suffers from chronic pain and fatigue with fibro, along with other problems, so I personally think she is really pulling her weight.  If she does  housework, laundry, driving the children to lessons, grocery shops, gets children to doctor appointments, cooks, cleans up the messes, helps with homework, etc., it sure seems to me that she is giving this her best shot with fibromyalgia.
 
I have lower back pain and it can be miserable.  Now picture yourself in that level of pain in many muscles in your body.  Sometimes it's hard to carry on a light load and she is definitely carrying on a heavy load as it is.
 
We have a thread called Fibro 101.  It is the second thread on the forum.  Read that and it will give you more of an idea of what your wife is going through.  Also read other posts.  You may THINK you understand fibromyalgia but perhaps you are wrong.
 
I wish  you the best and hope your marriage can be saved.  You will have financial difficulties if you stay separated anyway plus you are putting your wife and your children in a worse situation.  I have a feeling that there is more to this than fibro but I do know that illnesses, any illness, can put stresses on marriages.  But, with love and understanding, things can be worked out and it is the best for all concerned.  You have a woman that you apparently love and two beautiful children.  Are you really considering throwing away your marriage over packing shoes up for a few hours a day?  Think about it.  There is something wrong with that picture.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 10/25/2008 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I think Sherrine says it all. . . I too hope that you all can save your family :)  God bless all of you!!!
Sam
Dream as if you'll live forever. . . Live as if you will die today. . .
James Dean
 


Pennygirlbaby
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/26/2008 12:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow. I have had this about five years just got diagnosed. I am only 29 but let me say with pain meds it is possible to exit. If i had to put the kids in public school because of financial reasons i would. You need money to support your family. Your wife should at least try and help you. even if its at 3 am when she can't sleep because of the fibro. THere are days i can't even get out of bed but then later that night i can't sleep which hello its cause i slept all day. anyways.. please sit her down and explain you understand her pain but really need her help to support the family. as long as you help her with her in her daily task if you can then i'm sure she's willing to try.

Good luck

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 10/26/2008 1:24 AM (GMT -7)   
It is also important to remember that, for some people, fibro symptoms can be worsened by sitting in front of the computer for extended periods.

The work you are describing is also mentally demanding. A person with fibro does not always (or even often) have the mental capacity to concentrate on, and then describe, shoes for extended periods.

I'm afraid I agree with Sherrine. She is already getting up instead of lying in bed each day. If she is looking after the children and keeping the house even remotely clean and presentable, then she is doing a lot already.

Could she help occasionally? Possibly. Could she cope with 2-3 hours a day? Probably not.

Best wishes,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


ericsmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 1042
   Posted 10/26/2008 3:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Brett,

I am also with Ivy and Sherrine on this one.  Your wife has a very full plate that your living apart is just adding to.  She is very much aware that she is unable to contribute financially, and the added stress of that alone can make her fibro flare at unpredictable times.  You are frustrated as well, and i would imagine that perhaps the way you approach her would make all the difference.  Let her try if she has the time, (which I doubt with all you have said that she is already doing). Try to resist reminding her of it all the time, she knows..believe me...she knows.

Not all fibro sufferers sleep all day.  Being a single mother, home schooling, and her relentless pain, your wife is exhausted by days end.  I have a very soft spot in my heart for all the mothers out there still raising their little ones...plus dealing with this terrible illness. I was fortunate enough to have finished raising my 5 boys before I was diagnosed.

I hope you will read the Fibro 101.  Once you truly understand your wife's world, then maybe you can go back to her and be the partner who vowed to love her in sickness and in health. 

 

Good Luck to you both and your precious children

 

 

 


Fibromyagia, R/A, Diabetes, Atrial Fib, depression

folic acid, metformin, diamicron, bisoprolol, fenofibrate, pantoloc, wellbutrin, propafenone, ibprofen, warfarin, methotrexate


Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/26/2008 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Sherrine also. You don't know the magnitude of pain that she may be in. And the fatigue is unbearable.

It soundsl like she is doing as much as she can to help out. So please consider this and try not to push her too much. The less stress she goes through the better that she will feel. And believe me she probably feels guilty enough just with what she is trying to accomplish now.

I think that you should think about hiring somebody to do what you would like her to do. In the long run, it will probably pay off.

Best wishes to you, and I hope that your wife feels better soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


brettw777
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/26/2008 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
First, thanks to all of you wonderful ladies for your thoughtful replies. This is what gives the internet a good name. I want to address a couple of things. Sherrine said:

<<She suffers from chronic pain and fatigue with fibro,>>

She does not complain so much about pain as the fatigue. Most days, she has real trouble getting out of bed in the mornings and often gets up at 9-10 o'clock. With children, I feel like she should have gone to bed before midnight (rarely) and gotten up earlier. She mostly watches TV at night before bed. This is when she feels the best and she admits that she could try to do what I ask between 9-12 but she is still threatening me with the possibility of crashing and burning.

<< If she does housework, >>

Actually, with 2 children contributing, our house pretty much stays a mess. She does not do a lot there.

<<laundry,>>

I could do that but she won't let me.

<< driving the children to lessons,>>

They don't take any lessons. They have yet to get interested in anything other than swimming lessons in season. I am sure that willl change but for now, she does not have to take them anywhere. Occasionally, she takes them to other homeschooling group meetings for getting together with other kids and moms.

<<grocery shops, >>

I don't want to go off on a tangent but I could almost divorce her for the way she shops. She blames the fibro (is this valid?) for being a very slow decision maker and it is not only not unusual but actually quite common for her to be gone 4-6 hours to Walmart, Aldi's and the Dollar General just doing basic shopping. That is a good portion of the day and that simply drives me bananas. She is very slow at EVERYTHING she does and I mean EVERYTHING.

<<gets children to doctor appointments,>>

We don't until we have to and so far have never had to. Children are very healthy.

<<cooks, >>

She does most of the cooking but lots of times, we are eating leftovers and I make it a point to order pizza once a week to take some of the burden off of her and I cook once in awhile when the kitchen is workable. Also go out about once every week or two.

<<cleans up the messes,>>

Kitchen sinks is forever loaded with dirty dishes.

The point is that I am sure you all believe she is trying her best but living with her for 18 years, I have my doubts. I am not being insensitive to her fibro but I have seen her spend 2 hours typing someone an email when she could have been doing something more constructive. I have seen her go to 3 different grocery stores to save 5.00 when she could have bought it all at Walmart and been home 2 hours earlier. I have seen her spend 45 minutes meticulously chopping up vegetables into perfect tiny sections for one salad which was only 1/3 of the meal. 20 minutes in the shower. We are forever late or almost late for everything we do or go to. Dinner is late. Putting the kids to bed is late. Lovemaking is very late. I feel like I am fighting a constant battle with her just to have a normal life even if I did not have to work at all and I must. She is not at all good at time management. It kills me when I hear about fibro people who do go to work on a regular schedule and bring in money including her best friend who is 20 years older. It makes me wonder about her work ethic.

I know. I am whining and complaining at this point but I have nowhere to turn. I am soooo frustrated with her and our life. I agree that separating is not making anything better, especially for the kids. Maybe I could hire someone to do what I need her to do. It is not out of the question but I hate to have to water down our own finances to do that.

Brett

Meggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 10/26/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Brett,

I hope things work out for you.  My husband and I have gone through something similiar.  He just didn't get what this does to me.  I am afraid to commit to anything because I never know how I am going to feel and the more pressure I feel from my husband the worse I feel.  It may not be that your wife doesn't want to help but she may be afraid to commit to it.  Fibro does nasty things to your mind and body.  I have three children, 15,13 and 10, and let me tell you they completely exhaust me and they are old enough to help out.  I can't keep up with my house and that stresses me out.  I love to cook but don't have the energy some days and all of this adds to the stress of fibro and that depresses me and I feel less of a person.  Has your wife always been like this?  If she was once this bubbly, energetic person, I guess I would have to believe that your wife does not want to be this way.  There is a letter that was posted resently that I think you should read, it's a letter from Fibro, I wanted to cry as I read it because it says it all.  The letter is an eye opener for people who are not experiencing the fibro.  Search for the letter, I think you need to read it.  Also, can you find it in yourself not to feel taken advantage of, this could make all the difference in the world.  Your wife may be feeling defensive because she knows how you feel and cannot fix it.  I was ready to call it quits myself because I just couldn't handle the stress of my husbands feelings.  Luckily he has come around and that has given me the incentive to go the extra mile.  He doesn't make me feel guilty for sitting on the couch all day because I cannot find the energy to do anything.  It really does happen, that's how zapped you can feel.  I really hope that you can work things out with your wife and for your family.  Keep this in mind, stress is not good for FMS!

All the best!

Meggie


genniefstr
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 10/26/2008 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Brett- I homeschool ONE child and It takes all my energy.I also use some cd discs as well. Maybe you could hire someone to do the dishes straighten up the house and she could give you a few hours a week. You'd be surprised at the emotional toll homeschooling can take on a person. My husband had to hire some one to help clean the house 2-days a week because i just couldn't do it. Fibro steals your energy and totally changes ones life as well as the rest of the family. I have often said it's not a death sentence in one respect , however there's a death to the old life and your stuck with a new life that's not so great. Forgive her, except her limitations and you'll get along better. My Grandmother use to say the mess will be there when you die, let it go. The bit of house work she is doing could be all that she really can handle with the home schooling. It sounds like the work you need her to do is less taxing on the body than the house work she really can't do. Good luck and God bless your family I hope this helps.

brettw777
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/26/2008 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to you two also. Gennie, what homeschooling CDs do you have and what age ranges? I use JumpStart for now and the oldest LOVES them and he is learning stuff left and right but he is behind on reading even though he loves to be read to.

Frankly, I don't have a big probllem with the house not being perfect. I would rather pay for life itself, something I am trying to do, than worry about toys on the floor. We did have this house in Atlanta that was way too big for us and maybe if we severely downsized, that would help.

When we recently moved, my wife knew the moving deadline and she had no problems packing endless numbers of boxes. If she can do that when it had to be done and it was a lot of work, why can she not help me just a few hours a day on a much more flexy schedule and if she really feels bad, she can take a day off? I can help with many other things that she used to do.

GamJill
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1279
   Posted 10/26/2008 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Brett-

I've noticed with my fibro that each "day" is different- I think it would be hard for your wife to commit to even the 2-3 hours a day when she never knows what she is going to feel like when she wakes up in the morning. Also she is 40- not 25 and has enough on her plate from what you have explained. Having fibro is a plateful and just making it through one day sometimes is too much for us. Throw in two young children, a husband, a house and homeschooling- yikes!

Let her shop how she wants to. Maybe that is her therapy and if it makes her feel better just thinking she saved the family $5, let her. She probably feels bad enough that she cannot contribute to the family financially?

You mentioned you feel like you are battling just to have a "normal" life-  "Normal" is not a word in our vocubulary living with FM. Maybe redefining the word "normal" for you and your family would help.

This is just my opinion Brett. I truly wish you and your family the best and hope you can work things out!

GamJill


 
 
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, TMJ, Arthritis/neck, SAD
 
Zoloft, Tylenol 4000 mg., Darvocet  


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 10/26/2008 9:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Brett, what if you have your children go to public school instead of having your wife homeschool them.  I used to be a teacher and our public schools were good.    This, then, would give her a few hours to help  you and a few hours to do some things around the house.  She can't work at the pace a healthy person can, but, if she can shop for 6 hours then she could probably handle a few hours of help for you if she wasn't homeschooling.
 
Now about the dishes in the sink.  What are you doing after dinner?  You know, my husband was a fast eater so, when he was done he would get up and start washing the pans.  When I finished the meal I would pack up leftovers and stack the plates and my husband loaded the dishwasher.  He worked 12 hours a day at his job and also taught at a university at night once a week but still helped me around the house.  He would run the vacuum for me too since that made my muscles hurt and also helped get the children to pick up their things and he would help pick up stuff, too.
 
You know, marriage is a give and take situation.  You even mentioned that she said she would try to help but she might "crash and burn".  She was just being honest with you but that wasn't the answer you wanted to hear.  I know it's tough for you but it's tough for her, too.  Believe me, she didn't want this illness.  If sitting down and drawing up a plan that you two can mutually agree on and live by doesn't work, I would suggest marriage counseling because there could be more than just the illness that is causing problems.  Working at your marriage will pay off for you and you entire family.  If you two will work together, you can make this work for you.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 10/26/2008 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I think those before me has pretty much said it all but the one thing that has not been mentioned is the depression some of us feel from fibro. When you are depressed you don't have any motivation. Is your wife on an anti-depressant??? We tend to have low serotonin levels.
 
Many people suffer for years with fibro before they are dxd so perhaps your wife has not been well for many years. It took me five years to get a dx and fatigue was one of my biggest problems before the pain started.
 
about the shopping??? Everyone that has been on here for any length of time knows shopping is therapy for me. It gets me out of the house so I don't have to look at the mess I don't have the energy to clean up. So why don't I use that energy to clean instead you ask??? Cause pushing a cart in Walmart is a lot easier than the stuff I need to do around here. I have learned to do a lot of stretching exercises while pushing a shopping cart. We have to get out and we have to have a release doing something.
 
I am 58 yrs old and I was a perfectionist and I prided myself on being able to do anything I set my mind to til this DD hit me. We do not chose this life it choses us. I would much rather be outside today cleaning out my garage with my DH and putting stuff away for the winter than writing this post to you but I no longer have that option. My DH had never cleaned a garage by himself til fibro came into our lives. He didn't do the yard work cause I enjoyed getting out and doing it. I didn't suddenly become lazy I got fibro. This is hard enough to deal with on a daily bases without the stress of having someone telling you your not doing enough. Stress + fibro = pain. I'm very thankful for my understanding husband that knows me well enough to know that I will do whatever I can everyday but I only have so much to give and he picks up the slack as much as he can cause that is what you do when you take the wedding vows. Do you remember saying for better or worse in sickness and in health???
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
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Meggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 10/26/2008 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Brett,

I'm truely sorry that you and my husband have to deal with all this stress.  What I'm hearing from you is resentment though, resentment that you have to manage alone.  It doesn't seem fair does it?  It's not!  But you want to know what is really unfair, having fibro.  You really need to educate yourself, the more you understand about fibro the easier it will be. Stop looking at what your wife can do and wanting more from her, yes she will have days when she can do more.  Try accepting things as they are and if you can not then you need move on.  Have you thought about getting a different job, one that would take away some of the financial burden you are feeling.  If you truely love your wife, you will find a way to make things work.  It's not easy and your life will never be what it was but that doesn't mean you won't be able to have a good life again, it's just gonna take some work and understanding.  This is a disability even if it doesn't LOOK like one.  I hope things work out for you!!!

Meggie 


kelly71
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 726
   Posted 10/26/2008 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Brett,

First of all, I should let you know that I have never been married, and I don't have kids.  But I am a 36 year old woman with fibro.  Recently, I had to move back home to SC and live with my parents because of financial issues and my illness.  Not only is it humiliating, at times I think it makes my fibro worse.  But, that's another topic.

Just a question, but do you ever ask your wife what you can do for her?  I don't mean physical things.  If my parents would just take the time to ask me things and talk to me (in a non sarcastic way), it would help me a lot.  This is just my opinion, but if y'all make a point to sit down and talk calmly, maybe she would tell you what she needed from you.  Like Sherrine said, everyone deals with fibro in their own way.  People have varying degrees of pain, and just because she doesn't talk about it doesn't mean she doesn't have it.  Personally, I've just kept quiet about my pain (which is excruciating at times) because I feel like no one really hears me.  And, my parents are the type of people who say things like "get over it," or "suck it up."  That just makes me feel worse.  Also, having fibro isn't a matter of just "being tired."  It's being fatigued.  Your wife could sleep 24/7 and still feel fatigued.  BTW-she may have sleep problems, so she may be staying up late watching TV because she can't sleep.  I'm sure she feels burdened with a tremendous amount of guilt, because her body has betrayed her.  And, she also may be depressed.  I'm sure I would be if I were in her situation.  Again, this is just my opinion.

Has your wife tried to apply for any kind of assistance?  I don't know what state you live in, but I think she could at least try and get Medicaid.  This would help with paying for medical things.  And, depending on your income, you could get food stamps.  I just moved from CA, and they have their own state disability.  Unfortunately, only a few states have this, so when I moved home to SC, I had to apply for Medicaid, SSDI, and SSI.  I know it takes a long time to get SSDI & SSI, and she'll probably be denied the first time she applies.  I just applied, so I'm assuming that I'll get denied.  But, it's always a good idea to try to get assistance.  And, who knows?  Maybe I'll get lucky and get it on my first try.

Anyway, my main advice is communication.  Keep talking without being condescending or sarcastic (I'm not saying that you are talking to her this way, but if you are, believe me, it doesn't help).  Be honest and tell her how you are feeling and listen to her when she talks to you.  I think it's easy to assume things about people, but imagine trying to walk a day in her shoes (LOL-no pun intended about the shoes).  I don't know how painful she is, but for me, I try to explain my pain by saying that I feel like I'm bruised all over.  Really think about what your wife does and what she has to deal with on a daily basis.  It isn't about cooking or taking pictures or selling stuff on ebay.  It's so much more than that.  I can't speak for your wife, but I think she might agree.

Or, I could be totally wrong about everything.  But, like I said, this is all just my opinion.  I really hope things work out for you, and you can always come here for advice.  BTW-please tell your wife that we are here for her, too.  This site has literally been a lifesaver for me at certain times.  We are a real family here, and maybe your wife needs someone to talk to who knows what she's going through.  LOL-as you may have guessed, I'm a big talker.  I'd be happy to be her fibro friend.

Good luck to all of you! :-)


FINALLY dxd on 06/13/08
Vicodin, Neurontin, Ibuprofen for pain-which doesn't help, BTW
Zoloft & methadone (NOT for pain) for sanity-which doesn't help, BTW
Klonopin for anxiety (Guess what?  Doesn't help!)
Chantix to try to quit smoking (started 08/20/08)
 
"I'll take the Chivas instead"
-Kelly Clarkson


solar powered
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 538
   Posted 10/26/2008 2:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brett. I understand that your wife is being shy about committing to help you. Myself I have lost jobs because of my health so feel a little bit gun shy on that subject. I'm sure she doesn't want to disappoint you. Having said that I wonder if you would feel better about things if she just tried to help. Maybe she wouldn't be able to work everyday but if she just tried, she just might feel better herself and about herself. I know that I always feel better when I'm working on a project. She really won't know until she gives it a try. A neighbor of mine has had back issues, fibro, etc for years but now works full time 10-12 hrs a day at a job that she loves. She told me that she hasn't had any problems with her fibro or back since she started. I'm not sure how that worked but it did for her. I think the excitement, challenge and responsibilty of her job helps her. I know most of the other responses imply you are being too hard on your wife so I'm going against the current here when I say that I don't think it's too much of you to ask her to try. It's her family too.  Lisa 

brettw777
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/26/2008 2:40 PM (GMT -7)   
IN all fairness and taking everything you all have said to heart, yes, she did say she would try. I am happy that she will. I will probably try to hire a part-time helper in my house (have before) to do what she cannot. I can expand my inventory and sell more shoes and stuff but I will have to have someone reliable. It is true that I married her in sickness and in health and I don't want to go back on that promise.

Kelly, sorry to hear about your situation in SC. I am not far away in Charlotte. I have pretty much decided that I would like to get back together with her and do the employee thing hiring someone if she cannot do it. I think that would relieve so much burden on me since I feel like I work all the time and have few friends, virtually no life, etc. We made bad financial mistakes years ago and are still playing catch-up so there is a large amount of stress on both of us. AS a man responsible for the family, I feel like I am both disappointing and overwhelmed with trying to get financially half comfortable. I appreciate everyone's input.


brett

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 10/26/2008 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
This is good news, Brett!  Things don't look great right now, but you can get back on the right track AND you can get your life back again.  You just have to get over the "hump".  I think you made the right decision and I feel that, down the road, you will be so glad you did!  I hope we were able to put things in perspective. 
 
You are at an age were you do need to dig in and work a lot!  I know that both my husband and I commented about that because all we did was work...he at his office and me at home...and take care of our children.  We really didn't have much of a life in that period of time, either.  But, as the kids grew and we were able to pay off debts, we started going out on  "dates" on Saturday night.  It was a lot of fun and those days are ahead of you.  So, you have something to look forward to!  There isn't a more important job in the world than keeping your family together.  Congratulations on making such a good decision!
 
By the way, why don't you have your wife come to this forum.  We may be able to help her get more comfortable and live a full life with fibro.  We do have some good ideas that just may help her be more comfortable which will make her happier which will make you happier!  wink
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


brettw777
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/26/2008 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I will tell her about it but knowing her, she may already be on some forum somewhere!

Thanks!

Meggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 10/26/2008 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so glad that you are going to try make things work.  I don't think you will be sorry.  You should not feel like you are disappointing anyone either, you are doing your best under some pretty difficult circumstances.  You do need to take care of yourself during all of this too, stress is not good for anyone.  Take some time for yourself, it doesn't need to cost money, visit a friend or take a walk, do something you enjoy.  I would also suggest that you and your wife get out together, without the kids and away from responsibilities.  Maybe take that walk together or have a picnic, something just for the two of you.  I hope you understand that we all just want things to work for you because we understand all to well what this horrible illness does to the lives of those we love.  Remember, this won't be easy but it will be worth it.  

We will be here for you and your wife.

Meggie


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 10/26/2008 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Brett, I've been thinking more about you, and I'm wondering if maybe (maybe) we're automatically taking your wife's side because we know how we are ourselves. Many, perhaps most, fibro sufferers were highly driven people with a strong work ethic before their diagnoses, and we are probably assuming that your wife is the same way. Perhaps she is as lazy as you think, and perhaps she could do more. That said, I still think that helping out with your shoe business is going to be too much for her.

You also need to remember that many of us suffer for years before obtaining a diagnosis, so the fatigue and lack of motivation you've been noticing and complaining about for 18 years may be indicative that she has been sick with fibro for at least 18 years.

If money is a desperate issue, would it be possible to ask her to do a little more of the work that she is already doing, instead of asking her to take on a new role? For instance, we already know that she is caring for your two sons: maybe she would be able to babysit another child for a few hours after school and help him / her with homework. At $10/hr, this could bring in another $100 a week for the family, without too much extra work: after all, she is caring for two children already.

Another thing that might be worth considering, is changing your job. If it does not bring in enough money to support youself, your wife and your two children, then perhaps it is time to think about moving into a different, and more highly paid, field.

A third thing that might be worth exploring is whether you wife can access some sort of disability payment. That might help you pay the bills, at least.

Best wishes to you,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


Jokat
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 278
   Posted 10/26/2008 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Brett,

From a man's point of view, one with Fibro, I see your frustration. We men are wired differently than our loved woman counter parts. I too would be frustrated with her lack of motivation. I think that she needs to try and do as much as possible and scale down until she finds the most she can do comfortably. I encourage you to push her into being more involved on a daily basis. I always feel worse on the days that I have less to do. If I keep busy mentally and physically I tend to feel better overall.

If she has always been a bit lazy, she will ony use her FM to justify her lack of interest in doing anything.

Her pain and exhaustion is real. Sometimes it is difficult for me to do as much as I would like to.....But I always try......

Better to try and fail than to quit and fail.

Hang in there Brett and keep pushing her without pushing too far......her pain and exhaustion is real, but it is not dibilitating.


JoKat
 
Fibro is a life sentence, but not a death sentence.
Fibro since 2005


zhuxiaonuan
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 10/26/2008 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
The less stress she goes through the better that she will feel.
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