SleepyBug,It is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. My husband tells me all the time that I am not selfish and I am not a bad mother, but I just can't help feeling and thinking the way that I do. It is so hard. I am only 20 years old. I feel like I am being cheated out of my life. I want so badly to just be a normal 20 year old, who can play with her child without being in pain, who can clean the house without passing out in exhaustion after only a few tasks. It is just so hard. I really appreciate your response. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. So, thank you for that.
You are not a bad mother, wife, or person. You love your son, your husband, friends, and family. You are tired and hurt and I really think it is just normal to feel the way you do. I have three kids, 10, 13 and 15, they are older but still demand my time when I just don't feel up to it. My youngest is such a little snuggle bug and you would think that someone wanting to show me love and affection would be welcomed but I have a lot of days when I wish she would just leave me alone. I love her and feel awful when I wish she would hang on Dad for awhile. There are so many good times that make up for the times when we can't really be there. The house, I live in a mess most of the time. It's a clean mess but a mess because I just can't keep up. I have learned to accept the mess (most of the time).
My husband has really taken care of so many of the household duties and I think maybe I rely on him to much. The guilt is always there! I think all we can do is make the best of what we have. Some days we need to push ourselves and some days we need to curl up in our comfy spot.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
Yesterday morning, my hubby got our son out of bed to change his diaper, and he saw me, and he practically lept into my arms. It made me so happy that he kept snuggling into me when daddy was trying to get him back to change his diaper, but at the same time, it was killing my back. He is getting so heavy for me. And it breaks my heart. I don't mind the house being a little cluttered. To me, it gives it that lived-in look. I don't want my house to be more sterile than a hospital. I just don't want dishes and trash piling up. I don't want cracker crumbs from my son being all over the floor. I don't want to trip over something when I try to get somewhere. I'm not insane about the cleaning, but I have some standards.I feel really guilty because I feel like I rely way too much on my husband. Jobs are hard to find here right now, so he is able to stay home. But what is going to happen when he finds a job? Am I going to be able to handle it? I know that I will have to, but it is going to be really hard. And that just makes me feel like a horrible person.