Am I selfish? Am I a bad mother?

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SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 12/5/2008 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes I think that I am selfish and a bad mother. I recently spent two days withmy grandmother, just trying to give myself some time to really rest and take care of me. My hubby was just fine with this. And I am so thankful for it.
My husband takes the most care of our 1 year old son. Today, he went out with his dad, and I am here with my son. I felt kind of angry because I didn't want him to leave me.
I am able to take care of my son when I need to. But it is really really hard when I am in a lot of pain and tired. I feel like I am a bad mother because I don't work harder to take care of my son when my husband is here. And I feel selfish for being angry when he leaves and leaves me at home with our son. I love my son very much. And I do what I can to take care of him.
Sometimes, I feel like my hubby and son would be better off without me because I really don't do all that much anyways.
I feel like I need to step up and push past all my pain and fatigue and be a normal person. But it is just so hard, and I feel like such a bad person for it.
I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to take care of my son without pain and fatigue. I just want to be able to keep my house clean. I just want all of this to go away, but I know that it won't.
Not too long ago, I took my meds and I took a few naps, and I felt awesome! I felt like a normal person. I was able to play with my son and take care of him. I felt happy. And then the pain and fatigue came back, and I realized that I'll never be the same again. I have to live with this. And I don't know how. I don't know how to balance being a mother and wife and dealing with my fibro. I just don't know what to do.
Am I selfish for wanting my husband to always be here to help me with everything? Am I a bad mother because instead of trying to push past the pain when my husband is home I lie around and do practically nothing? Someone, anyone, please help me.
~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/5/2008 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
it is so hard to have this dd when you're a mom to young ones, isn't it? daughter is 15 and so doesn't need me to do everything for her, of course, but i feel like i fall short with my 6 and 4 year old sons A LOT. i too want so badly to be able to play and run and get outside and do things with them, but most of the time i just don't have it in me. i also have to ask my dh for help constantly and it drives me crazy! i feel guilty and like i'm just not doing enough almost every day. he says he doesn't mind-that he loves me and wants to help-but i still get that nagging voice telling me that i should be taking care of things because i am the mother! (apparently my nagging inner voice is sexist...) i know all about the resentment when he leaves (especially when he's going off to do something fun!)..i know about the guilt and anger and frustration that comes with not being able to do everything you want to do.

anyway. i am really not trying to hijack this and make it about me, i just wanted you to know that i know your pain and i feel for you SO MUCH! you ARE NOT a bad mother! you are NOT selfish! you are NOT lazy! you are a young woman who has been stricken with a terribly exhausting, awful disease and you are doing the best you can with what you have. i am sure your dh understands. i am sure your son will understand as he gets older. they both love you. you are still wife and mommy, even if you can't do everything you want to do.

i wish i could articulate what i want to say a bit better...it's a foggy day today, though. just please know that i am here and i understand and i care. and i think you are strong and courageous!

{{gentle hugs}}
danielle

SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 12/5/2008 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   

SleepyBug,
It is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. My husband tells me all the time that I am not selfish and I am not a bad mother, but I just can't help feeling and thinking the way that I do. It is so hard. I am only 20 years old. I feel like I am being cheated out of my life. I want so badly to just be a normal 20 year old, who can play with her child without being in pain, who can clean the house without passing out in exhaustion after only a few tasks. It is just so hard.
I really appreciate your response. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. So, thank you for that.

*soft hugs*
Tiki


~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/5/2008 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
tiki,

you are definitely not alone! i am so sorry that you are going through this at 20, though. that just seems so unfair. i know how hard it is to be 35 and feel cheated, i can't imagine how much more cheated you feel..:(

i thought of some tips for you with regards to time with your son. my symptoms got really bad after i had my 4 year old and when i quite work when he was 10 months, i really had to adjust how i did things at home just to get through the days. i would collect several diapers, wipes, some freezer bags, a garbage can, little baggies of snacks, toys, books, etc. so that i would have most of what he needed right there with me so i didn't have to do the up/down up/down thing all day. i would play with him and read to him and watch nick jr with him so that he and i both felt like we were getting some good time in together, but i was still able to sit on the couch and rest. every couple of hours or so i would get up and pick up whatever messes we'd made just so things didn't get too out of hand, but other than that i would just rest and play with him. i don't know how i would have gotten through that time if i hadn't done that! also, on those days when i felt good, i would make dinners ahead to freeze (i still do this) so that dinner could be quick and easy when my dh got home. now my youngest is in preschool and is gone all morning-that helps tremendously-but i still do this type of thing now on my bad days..it's just the baby toys and squishy books have changed into super hero toys and pirate ships and longer books and board games! :) it still helps, though! i just wanted to suggest some of this in case it might be helpful to you.

also, i know the feeling of thinking that your family would be better off without you-my biggest fear is that my husband will get sick of this one day and want to leave. that scares the heck out of me because i love him and don't want to lose him, and also because i don't know how i'd get through the days without him. he tells me all of the time he would never leave, so i try to just trust in that and in him, but it's really hard. maybe this is because i've always been such an independent person and have a hard time relying on others? i don't know.

it's all really hard, i know. again, i am here and supporting you, as is everyone else! at least we have this place, right?

please feel free to email me if you ever need anything...i'll be thinking of you and sending you good, positive, energetic thoughts :)

{gentle hugs}
~danielle

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 12/5/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
No, you are not alone but I do think depression is playing into these feelings.  They aren't realistic for what you are going through.  I'm sure you do the very best you can and that's all anyone can expect!  Just keep on keeping on!  I'm sure you are a great Mom and wife!
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Meggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 408
   Posted 12/5/2008 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   

You are not a bad mother, wife, or person.  You love your son, your husband, friends, and family.  You are tired and hurt and I really think it is just normal to feel the way you do.  I have three kids, 10, 13 and 15, they are older but still demand my time when I just don't feel up to it.  My youngest is such a little snuggle bug and you would think that someone wanting to show me love and affection would be welcomed but I have a lot of days when I wish she would just leave me alone.  I love her and feel awful when I wish she would hang on Dad for awhile.  There are so many good times that make up for the times when we can't really be there.  The house, I live in a mess most of the time.  It's a clean mess but a mess because I just can't keep up.  I have learned to accept the mess (most of the time). 

My husband has really taken care of so many of the household duties and I think maybe I rely on him to much.  The guilt is always there!  I think all we can do is make the best of what we have.  Some days we need to push ourselves and some days we need to curl up in our comfy spot.

Don't be so hard on yourself!  

Meggie


SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted Yesterday 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   

Yesterday morning, my hubby got our son out of bed to change his diaper, and he saw me, and he practically lept into my arms. It made me so happy that he kept snuggling into me when daddy was trying to get him back to change his diaper, but at the same time, it was killing my back. He is getting so heavy for me. And it breaks my heart. I don't mind the house being a little cluttered. To me, it gives it that lived-in look. I don't want my house to be more sterile than a hospital. I just don't want dishes and trash piling up. I don't want cracker crumbs from my son being all over the floor. I don't want to trip over something when I try to get somewhere. I'm not insane about the cleaning, but I have some standards.
I feel really guilty because I feel like I rely way too much on my husband. Jobs are hard to find here right now, so he is able to stay home. But what is going to happen when he finds a job? Am I going to be able to handle it? I know that I will have to, but it is going to be really hard. And that just makes me feel like a horrible person.


~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted Yesterday 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tiki,

I am sure that when your husband goes back to work, that you will be able to handle it. We seem to find strength when we least expect it. Your instincts as a mother will take over. You might have to go a little slower than most, but you will be just fine.

It has to be so hard being a young mother with fibro. But it is clear to me that your son and husband are happy. That is what matters. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. I am the same way. But my husband never complains, he is so helpful and when I least expect it.

You are a good mom and a good wife. I know that your family loves you and supports you through these difficult times. Give yourself a little credit. Take it one day at a time and KOKO. That is all that we can do. You are doing the best that you can. Enjoy the special moments and make memories.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted Yesterday 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen. I am always hard on myself. I always have been, ever since I was young. I have always had the need to be perfect, and I fall way below the line of perfection. I am trying to deal with that. It isn't easy. I am doing the best that I can, and I guess I need to try to keep telling myself that, even when it seems that my best isn't nearly enough. It is hard being a young mother with fibro. I feel like I have been cheated. Mothers my age should have a lot of energy to take care of their kid(s) and enjoy life to its fullest. And I just can't do that. I do what I can. I guess that is all I should expect of myself. All of this is easier said than done, though.

~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.


K9
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 263
   Posted Yesterday 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
omg kitty - I can't IMAGINE what it must be like to have a little one. My kids are 34, 25 and 22 - I've I'd just had fibro for about a year now. I can't do my job full-time anymore, and motherhood is a full-time job, so what would a person do? You are a real trooper for doing as much as you can. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself!
I have Fibromyalgia, but nothing else!

I take Lyrica 150mg b.i.d.
Tramacet 75 mg for breakthrough pain

Tried amitryptelene 2.5 mg but it made me a zombie!


SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted Today 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Schutz. It has really been a battle of willpower when it comes to taking care of my little baby. I am doing the best that I can. He is fairly independant right now, which helps, but when he is really upset, it is really hard to comfort him. But, I do my best.

~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.

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