i've had an absolutely horrible day..

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SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/8/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone,

i came here to cry for a minute..i am having such an awful day..i hurt so bad. and my stress levels are through the roof! i just need to talk, if that's ok?

(i should probably give some background on this, so sorry if it's long)

this past april, my brother in laws wife (soon to be ex wife now) accused him of something he did not do. there was no proof that he did what she said he did other than her word. to make a long story short, he stood trial for one major 25-life kind of charge, and two lesser charges. the jury was hung on the big charge, but found him guilty of the "lesser" charges. now please bear in mind that there was NO evidence, NO proof, nothing whatsoever. also, his soon to be ex has been known to be a liar, and exaggerator, as well as a very vindictive and self centered person. (there are many people who will attest to this) my b.i.l. on the other hand has a completely clean record, fabulous work history, many friends and church fellows who will attest to his honesty and integrity. i personally will attest to the fact that i have never seen him be mean to her in any way and i have also never seen him be anything but kind, gentle, and patient with my children, yet have also on a number of occasions seen her say horrible nasty things to my b.i.l. ("shut up" "i hate you" "f##% off and die", etc) and have also seen her yell at my children, as well as hit and yell at animals. yet she was believed and he was still found guilty, and as such i've watched my husband and his family fall to pieces these past few months. it's been really horribly awful.

well, today was the sentencing on the lesser charges, so everyone has been on edge even more so these past few days. i spent yesterday scrubbing my house from top to bottom as a way to distract myself, and so today woke up in a horrible flare-everything hurts SO BAD-hands, arms, legs, back, shoulders. my "zaps" have been really bad today and my energy level has been zero. to make matters worse, i woke up at 2 am this morning and got sick to my stomach and didn't fall back asleep until about 4:00 am, then the alarm went off at 6. got kids up, dressed, to school, then spent the morning trying really hard to distract myself from what today was, but then i got the call from the courthouse that my b.i.l. was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison. PRISON! for something he did not do! my hubby's so upset, my in laws are devastated, i ache from my hair to my toes, but i have been making myself stay "up" for everyone all day because i feel like someone should try to keep things moving-that and i can't let things fall apart here because that wouldn't be fair to my kids.

to make things even better, i had to call my mother and get all of the information about what happens now because her husband spent some time in prison for drunk driving in the past and so she knows the "ins and outs" of the system. then i had to call and tell my m.i.l. what i found out, which made her burst in to tears, which made me feel even more awful than before..i had to tell her, though. she has to know the truth of what happens now.

anyway...it's after 8 now and the kids are in bed and things have "settled down" for the day, and now i am just ready to collapse from the pain and stress of the day and i really, really needed to vent somewhere. i can usually vent to my hubby, but i have not had the heart to tell him how bad i feel today because he has enough on his mind right now, so i came here...

i am also really sad and angry and shocked and frustrated at the system. i know it is in place for a reason, and i know that it usually works for the good, but this whole situation has been a total and complete legal nightmare and justice most definitely was NOT served and now my gentle natured b.i.l. has to spend the next 3+ years in prison (maybe more if they find him guilty of the "big" one at the retrial..)

it's all such a mess. i'm such a mess! i just want to curl up in bed and sleep for about 4 days straight...

cry

thanks for listening to me...

~danielle

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 12/8/2008 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you are going through this mess.  It's horrible but I imagine your BIL's attorney is appealing this decision.  Lots of times things are reversed after the initial verdict.  We will hope for that for you.
 
I'm like you are.  I clean the house when under a lot of stress but it does play havoc with the muscles.  Do some deep breathing to help you relax and maybe take a long, hot bath or shower.  You need to try to relax.  The situation is not in your hands so worrying about it won't help.  It will just make you feel worse.  You need to try to be strong for your husband right now and I know you will be. 
 
I do hope you feel better tomorrow.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/8/2008 7:26 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you very much sherrine.

the appeals process is already in the works, so that is definitely a good thing. the lawyer did explain to us, though, that these things can be very slow, so it is quite possible that he will serve his sentence before the appeal is finished.

i just took a nice hot bath and am enjoying some cocoa and relaxing as best i can. i know i have to be strong for my husband and am doing everything within my power to do so. i am a little irritated with myself at the moment-if i hadn't pushed myself in the cleaning so much yesterday, i wouldn't be feeling so awful today and so could be of more help to my hubby and in laws. hopefully i'll get a good night's sleep tonight and can be of more help tomorrow.

thank you again. i hope you are having a good evening.

~danielle

K9
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 263
   Posted 12/8/2008 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   
wow - sounds like you really take on other folks' stuff, eh? I'm sure that could be a terrible trigger for your symptoms. Self-care is the key! I've learned in my old age (*ahem*) that there's a difference between caring about someone and feeling the feelings that rightly belong to THEM. (Sorry for caps, but I couldn't do italics.) Sorry to get all psychobabble on ya, but that's my training, unfortunately! (Just ignore me if you wish!) The thing is, feeling someone else's feelings is really deadly to your BODY. Since the emotions don't rightly belong to you (i.e., you're not going to jail) then you can't feel them in the traditional way fully (fear, anger, etc.) so they come out through your body. Some people get headaches, sickness, whatever. For you, it'll be a flare-up of pain.

So anyway...the trick is to care about someone without feeling their feelings for them. Hopefully this will be a little food for thought in your hot bath...
- all the best to you....!
I have Fibromyalgia, but nothing else!

I take Lyrica 150mg b.i.d.
Tramacet 75 mg for breakthrough pain

Tried amitryptelene 2.5 mg but it made me a zombie!


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/8/2008 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
that's really good advice, schutz. can i ask you how it is you go about putting self care first without giving others the impression that you're selfish? i really have a hard time getting past that one, obviously....

good food for thought, thank you. i know i need to work on this, but when you've been at it for as long as i have, it's a hard habit to break!

~danielle

K9
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 263
   Posted 12/8/2008 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, since you asked *gawrsh!* ... the way to do that is to ensure that you LET THEM KNOW (again, no italics, sorry) how much you care about them. For instance, the last person I counseled on this had a sister who was constantly asking for money. The sister in therapy had the same question as you. I advised her to say, "Mary, I need you to know that I love you more than life itself. And I really, really value our relationship. However, I'm not willing to loan you any more money." Of course, "Mary" would protest and persist. So I advised my client to say the same line THREE times, ensuring that she emphasized the FIRST part more than the "I'm not willing to" part. I assured her that there would be no fourth time.

Perhaps you can try something similar, and whoever you're worried about that may say you "don't care" - write out a simple statement for them which begins with how much you care, goes on to say how much you value your relationship with them, and ends with the boundaries you must set.

The other thing is, of course, that if people are used to you overfunctioning, they will continue to underfunction AND they will protest LOUDLY if you stop! The refrain almost always is "you don't CARE!" To which you must always reply, "Oh dear! Yes, I DO care! I care very much!" (and then still stick to your guns).

Hopefully this helps...
I have Fibromyalgia, but nothing else!

I take Lyrica 150mg b.i.d.
Tramacet 75 mg for breakthrough pain

Tried amitryptelene 2.5 mg but it made me a zombie!


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 12/8/2008 11:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Danielle...

I too am so very sorry for this misery your family is going through. It tears your insides apart and life, in general, up-side-down. I don't really have any wisdom to add to the great advice you've been given, but know that I will say prayers for you and your extended family. I do pray your BIL's heart is not hardened by this. That would be an additional tragedy.

Loves and hugs,
Chutzie
Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.
***************

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/9/2008 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you so very much chutzie. your kindness and prayers mean a lot. i, too, pray that my bil is able to make it through this ordeal with his faith and good, kind heart intact. prison's not exactly a happy, friendly place and i'm sure it can do terrible things to a person psychologically and spiritually, but i am just going to pray and have faith that he will not be destroyed by the things he sees and goes through while he is there.

schutz those are excellent suggestions, thank you. my issue isn't so much with people make outright demands on me, it's that i think everyone just sort of assumes i will take care of everything and everyone and not worry about myself because that's the way it's always been. (does that make sense?) i know i need to set boundaries and not give until i am stripped of my energy and in a flare, i am just trying to find a way to change how things are without confusing and/or hurting my loved ones. i honestly don't believe any of them intentionally leave me to do everything, i just think they take it for granted that i will. i really like your ideas and am wondering if i could tweak them to say something along the lines of "i really love you very much, and i need you to help me with "x/y/z" and so on. as far as taking other people's issues on as my own, i have done that my entire life. i realize that this is not the fault of the other person so much as my own inability to set psychological boundaries..definitely something i need to work on!

thank you again for your advice-you must be very good at what you do:)

{{hugs}}
danielle

Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 12/9/2008 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Danielle you pretty much described me to a T. I can't separate myself from family problems either. I have to take them all on. The whole beginning of my fibro was after a nasty custody battle in our family that we could not lose for the sake of the children involved. Thank God justice was served but my nervous system hasn't been the same since. It only takes one in-law to cause a family horrible pain.
 
I pray that justice will be served in your family. I truly believe that people that lie like that and do horrible things for revenge will get their's in the end.
 
I hope the soreness goes away soon. I'm sure the stress has your muscles tight also.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
 
 
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
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telula68
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 12/9/2008 10:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Danielle,
That is a lot of stuff going on in your family. I also have the problem of taking on feelings that aren't mine. It's almost like if i don't feel it I'm down playing it somehow. Like If I don't give it energy, whether it be my problem or someone elses, that I am somehow saying its not important.

Of course after having to go through the ordeal of being dumped by an alcoholic after 14 years (whole other forum!) my self esteem was so far in the crapper that my survival depended on learning how to recognize this. It is still a problem for me but I am trying to get better. Its hard when you don't know anything else. I grew up feeling like that.

Sometimes it comes easy now and sometimes not so easy. One thing In try to say to myself is "What good is going to happen from me sitting here paralyzed by anxiety?" or "How is all the energy I am putting into worrying about this going to help the other person anyway?"
There is a lawyer and he has to shoulder this. Maybe it would help to do some research just for your own mind. Maybe of cases that are similar in your state?
I'm sorry this is happening to your family.

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 955
   Posted 12/9/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I too fit this profile and although I am finally very aware that it is my personality that has helped to fuel my flares, it is difficult to change. I am the A personality, the overachiever, the one that "feels" for everyone and needs to be needed.

I was diagnosed with FM 20 years ago. about two years before that, we learned that my husband's ex was indicted for medicaid fraud...she was involved with a large group of people. The trial went on for 3 months and she and a few others were found guilty of several charges. She was sentenced to 18 months in federal prison and served 9 in prison and 9 as community service. My stepsons at the time were 12 and 16...teens having their mom go off to federal prison! My husband and I had custody of them during this time and we went immediately into therapy, to figure out how to handle the situatioin and the stress. Awful can't even describe it. The 16 year old was so angry and remained that way throughout the 9 months, barely speaking to us. We did everything we could to make their lives okay. Needless to say, the stress was unbelievable. The therapist continually warned us that when she came home, "someone was going to get it in the neck." I never really knew exactly what he meant, or who he meant, but I soon found out. It happened AFTER she came home, after the boys went back to her home. I began to get sick. I was in the mid 30's and ended up with stage IV periodontal disease and lost all but 4 of my teeth. I had no idea I even had it. My dentist unfortunately was not up to speed on gum disease and I had not a clue. After that, the pain began, neck pain, lower back pain, constant illness, colds, etc. I was finally diagnosed with fibromyaglia and I often wonder if all that stress didn't impact my health. I guess I was the one who "got it in the neck"... Danielle, somehow, you need to work on putting yourself first, listenting to what Schutzhund is telling you. I wish you well and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers,
Miriam

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, microdiskectomy C5/C6, bulging disks L3/L4, compressed nerve L5/S1, disc compression L5/S1, IBS, hypothyroidism (now FINALLY well controlled) Also angioplasty, and angiogram, high bp, well controlled, high chol, now normal, well controlled

 


telula68
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 12/9/2008 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I forgot to say earlier that I have been having a really hard time of it too for very different reasons and i am quick to forget what I have learned. Its not like I am saying that it will be easy to think differently. I hope my post didn't come off that way. I have been "crying" and venting on here for the last couple days and it's helping me to remember what I have to do.

Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 12/9/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Danielle,

I just said a prayer for you and your family. I'm so sorry that this tragedy has happened to your B.I.L. Hopefully everything will work out for him.
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort :)
TTYL,
 
Sam
 
 


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 12/9/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you all very much for your prayers and support. it really means so much! things haven't been much better around here today-my mother in law is basically refusing to accept the fact that my b.i.l. is going to prison. (they haven't moved him out of county jail yet, but could do so anytime without any warning). on a better note, though, my dh is doing a lot better today (he is still angry, of course, but has always tended to be more pragmatic and accepting of things than his mother). my stress and pain has gone down a bit today, too. i got a fairly decent night's sleep last night so that definitely helped!

maybe we should start a little "how to stop making others people's problems our own!" support group lol. i have such a hard time with that-i want everybody to be happy and feel loved and cared for and considered. and i can't stand to see people in pain or sad or hurting-i have always had a "save the world!" complex..used to cry buckets as a kid whenever i saw one of those "feed the children" commercials. still do sometimes. i want to save everybody! i know i can't...i just wish i knew how to let some of that go, though, so that i can stop hurting myself...

it is helpful to know i am not the only one who goes through that, though!

{{hugs}}
~danielle
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