Don't know how to talk to my husband, I'm tired!

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Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/5/2009 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband and I had a bout of marital trouble that began about a year and a half ago. At the time the trouble began we had been married for 15 1/2 years. Up until that point we had what I though was a wonderful marriage. We attended church together for many years but had stopped going about 6 or 7 years ago.

My oldest daughter became 12 and was able to babysit my 10 and 4 year old, and my husband went NUTS!!! He wanted to go out 4 and 5 days a week. Not just go out, but going to bars and clubs and hanging with a biker group (we have a bike but never hung out with these types of people, although they were very nice, it was just a lifestyle that we had not been accustomed to)

After the first week of going out every day I sat down with my husband and let him know that I did not want to continue this way and that this was not how our life had been up to this point, and that if this was the lifestyle he now wanted we could not do it together. And though he seemed to understand and be rational, every time he drank or I would say no, that I did not want to go out, it would be a major episode. Sometimes, and more often that not, it would last until 3 or 4 in the morning. Needless to say I believe this kicked my fibro into action. I became more tired and irritable, ache, and sick. The more I did not want to go the more he wanted to. In the meantime our kids were thrown into a life they had never experienced as well.

We went through many arguments, and threats of separation, even at one point I called the police because he was tearing through the house. He never became "physical" but emotionally it was overwhelming.

We are trying to repair the damage and have been for the past 5 or 6 months. He has slowed his drinking considerably. We try to still go out, not nearly as much as he would like, but we always end up in some sort of argument. Usually because he become emotional about past episodes, if I am tired and I would like to leave before 2 am, or if I just don't enjoy sitting at a bar, and it hurts to dance. I used to love dancing, on occasion, but I am so stiff! I don't know if we can ever recover and be "normal" again.

Now I have been diagnosed with fibro and as I stated in past postings, he is angry and resentful and in denial about this and the fact that it may change his lifestyle (he says ours, but this was never the true case).

I now work as an in-home day care provider and work 11 hours a day. I have a BA Degree in Elementary Education. I started work because I was fearful of not being able to care for myself and my three kids if something were to happen. I have now gotten to a point that I am so exhausted, and hurt all the time (some days are not as bad as others, but I always have some level of discomfort) I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I don't know how to talk to my husband and make everything "ok" again. I have tried MANY TIMES! We briefly went to a counselor, but that did not last long with him, plus we could not afford it. He is not for throwing our stuff out there. I have started attending church with my kids again for about 4 months now. He does not go and was actually extremely angry when I first started because it would "change" me.

Any advice or insight or anything would be greatly appreciated!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 1/5/2009 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Stick to your guns. You are doing all of the right things. Hopefully he will see things your way soon and understand. You are being a good mother and taking care of yourself and that is what matters.

Just keep doing what you are and everything will work itself out.

Best wishes for a wonderful painfree day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Nanda
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Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 1/5/2009 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Schnook,
and welcome. I'm sorry to hear all you're going through. Have you considered counseling for yourself? It sounds like a little outside help would be beneficial for you. I know you said you couldn't afford the couples counseling but most communities including possibly your church offer free counseling services. Alanon is another organization to look into. I know you said his drinking has "slowed down" but his behavior is concerning even if he isn't an alcoholic. I hope my suggestion won't be taken in the wrong light.
love and light,
Cynthia

Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/5/2009 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Nanda said...
Hi Schnook,
and welcome. I'm sorry to hear all you're going through. Have you considered counseling for yourself? It sounds like a little outside help would be beneficial for you. I know you said you couldn't afford the couples counseling but most communities including possibly your church offer free counseling services. Alanon is another organization to look into. I know you said his drinking has "slowed down" but his behavior is concerning even if he isn't an alcoholic. I hope my suggestion won't be taken in the wrong light.

love and light,

Cynthia


Cynthia,

I have thought about this with my church. I know that if I begin something, even by myself, he will be offended. It has gotten to where he is ultra sensitive (I can't prove my love to him unless I'm making sacrifices in accordance to what he feels is a true sacrifice) usually involving something I don't enjoy. I have had talks with him about his drinking and his behavior while he drinks even if it is not that often (by getting better I mean he drinks one or two days on the weekend now). He is very hurt by the fact that I may think he is an alcoholic or has any problem. He says that I can't blame a "drink". I never have said alcohol itself is the issue, it is how he behaves when he drinks. He also seems very pouty and controlling. Don't worry about offending me, I am way past that at this point!!!

Landa

Nanda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 1/5/2009 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Landa,
I'm glad that you've been thinking about it then. I really encourage you to get some counseling then even if it means offending him. You can always tell him its for you so you don't have to moan to him about how you're feeling and has nothing to do with his behavior towards you. Whether he buys that or not you need to take care of yourself.
light and love,
Cynthia

Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 1/5/2009 11:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Landa and welcome. I'm sorry you have all the extra stress in your life right now. Stress + fibro = pain. I don't know why but I have known several couples that start having problems around the 15th year of marriage. It is usually in the early to mid 30s. Maybe it's cause the baby days are over and one partner wants a taste of freedom they haven't had with small children. Whatever the cause I hope you can fix it. At least he wants you to go out with him which is better than him going out by himself. But you should not have to compromise your morals to please your husband. I really hope this phase does not last and he comes to his senses and becomes the man you married again.
 
I'm glad you joined our family and we will be here for you.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
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SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 1/5/2009 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
hi and welcome landa,

wow-it definitely sounds like you are having a very hard time of things right now. i am so sorry you're having issues with your husband. i would definitely second what cynthia said about seeking counseling for yourself through your church. perhaps you could talk directly to your minister/pastor/priest? i know that won't fix everything, but maybe having someone to talk through things in a positive, spiritual way might be just what you need to gain some new insight into the situation and maybe come up with a solution that will work for you?

i wish i had more input for you here, but these sorts of situations are so difficult to give advice on. marriage is so hard, isn't it? jeesh, if i'd known sometimes, you know?

anyway. i do sincerely hope you are able to find peace, friendship, and guidance at your church and hope things get better with your husband soon!
love and hugs
~danielle

this being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival-a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awarenewss comes as an unexpected visitor.
welcome and entertain them all!
even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably
he may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
~rumi


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 1/5/2009 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Landa,

I sooooo agree with Marlee about the pain. This is the worst thing for you to have to endure. It is abuse and NO abuse is acceptable. I have been there and so feel for you.

I am sure your diagnosis has put him in a tail spin, so often we hear this. BUT that does not excuse his behavior.

We are thinking of you and I have already found such comfort in this forum.

Let us know how it goes and as was said "stick to your guns".

Hugs, Patsie

Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Marlee2 said...

<FONT color=#800080>




<FONT color=#800080>




<FONT color=#800080>Marlee


Marlee,

Thanks for your input. I hope it doesn't sound sadistic or anything, but it's nice to hear that maybe the 15 year mark can be an issue for other couples. I feel that the whole non-baby thing and our child bearing years are finished plus the feeling that we need to make up for "lost time" may have some to do with it. I am 35 and he is soon to be 39. Our children are about to be 14, 11 and 5. I find myself feeling that these years are even more crucial for us to be greatly involved and devoted to our children. It is just not in me to let them go right now and have them learn on their own.

I pray that this season is almost over and we can begin a newer and refreshing chapter in our lives together. I hope that is possible after all the hurt!

Thanks for your time,

Landa

Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
patsie said...
Hi Landa,

I sooooo agree with Marlee about the pain. This is the worst thing for you to have to endure. It is abuse and NO abuse is acceptable. I have been there and so feel for you.

I am sure your diagnosis has put him in a tail spin, so often we hear this. BUT that does not excuse his behavior.

We are thinking of you and I have already found such comfort in this forum.

Let us know how it goes and as was said "stick to your guns".

Hugs, Patsie


Patsie,

Thanks for your reply. I wish that he could come to a point that he understands that the fibro IS something I have and it IS something that we can deal with and still make the most of the years to come that we have together. Yes it may change the way he would like to go (we are NOT 20 year olds anymore) but I feel we can still enjoy each other. I feel he is afraid that I am old and decrepit, I'm only 35 but sometimes feel like a 55 year old.

Sometimes I wonder about the whole IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, I don't think people really think about that!

Thanks

Landa

pattipanda
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh Landa,

I wish you peace right now.  I agree with Marlee.  She's always very insightful.

I do think you should look into Alanon.  I've been in your shoes before and I attended many many Alanon meetings and learned A LOT!!!  Anyone who's "cutting back on drinking" HAS a drinking problem.  Its important to remember that your needs are just as important as his and above all, whether the kids are 14 days or 14 years old they need their parents and they need to be a priority until they leave home. (Even after in some cases)

You're stress will only compound your fibro and its tough to be in that situation.  Does your husband have any education about this dreadful syndrome?  Perhaps he needs to sit down and learn more so that he can understand your issues.

Again, I wish you all the best and hope you will find a positive course of action.

Patti


Patti
 
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Heart Disease, Bi-lateral Carpel Tunnel.  (Still being tested for other disorders/or whatevers).


Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/5/2009 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
pattipanda said...


<FONT color=#0000ff>I wish you peace right now. I agree with Marlee. She's always very insightful.




<FONT color=#0000ff>You're stress will only compound your fibro and its tough to be in that situation. Does your husband have any education about this dreadful syndrome? Perhaps he needs to sit down and learn more so that he can understand your issues.




<FONT color=#0000ff>Patti


I have brought a pamphlet home from my doctor and left it out for him to read, and asked him to read it and all he says is that he has looked it up online. I have not seen him do this though. i am not sure if he has or not, but he does not show any further understanding or true compassion for me. At times he seems to show some concern, but when I'm not feeling well or it interferes with what he would like to do he is very cold.

I agree about the importance of being in my childrens lives. My kids are involved in activities and friends and school. Because I take the time out to be involved with activities involving the kids, he feels I should be willing to be involved in his activities. Which I do not believe the activities with my kids and his are even comparable. I feel like I am in a constant battle to keep them a priority I have been told countless times that I choose them over him and his needs. Sometimes I begin to feel so irritable and anxious because I feel I may be doing something wrong or against him in some way. It exhausts me!!!!

donnaeil
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 1/5/2009 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, your husband is an alcoholic. You can do a search for the Alcoholics Anonymous website and the Al Anon one. All alcoholics are offended when their spouses, friends and/or relatives tell them they have a drinking problem.

You are correct when you say your children need you. In fact, having an alcoholic parent is terribly damaging for children.

There is a series of books titled, "Getting Them sober," that is phenomenal. I highly recommend it.

Patti suggested that you go to AlAnon, it is free, they have excellent books for you to read to understand his disease and you will make very close and supportive friends. Your children can attend Al Ateen.

Mind you, anything you do to make yourself better will infuriate your husband. But if you do not change your life, your children will suffer permanent damage. there is a saying, "A family member is not allowed to be healthier than the sickest alcoholic in that family." They are sick and it is emotionally abusive.

Ou are going through a very hard time. I understand, I have been there.

Do something nice for yourself every single day. In addition, contact your local domestic violence hotline. They have private support groups tha you can attend. Everything will be in secret. In addition, they have family shelters for emergency protection.

It is suggested that you have an escape plan at all times. A seperate hidden bank account, colothing in a bag, things like that.

Oh, the nightime arguements are hurting you and your children. Take care and protect you and your family. Let his drinking be his problem. Al Anon will show you how to not even argue with him and go anout your life.

Take care, keep in touch

Donnaeil

patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 1/6/2009 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Landa,

Before i get in to this hectic day I want to write a few thoughts to you. Understand this is my personal feelings and may or may not apply to you.

First off alcoholism is a disease and has to be treated as such. BUT it is one that the individual has to be ready to lick. No one can do it for them. I had alcoholism everywhere in my family and oh my the damage it did to me. This leads me to my point. I believe in my mind that it was a big part of my developing fibro. Not the entire reason but a major part b/c of the abuse that goes with it. Children are abused when a parent is an alcoholic just from the disease. Fibro is already proven to be related to emotional underlying causes. No doubt by all of us that it gets worse with any emotional uncertainty or issues we are forced to deal with.

IF I had left an abusive marriage long before I did, married 22 years, I know for a fact that my damages would be far less. Oh yes, my son and I would have had it tough in other regards but not the price "we" paid. Again understand I am speaking from my life.

I so hope we are helping you through this. It just wrenched my heart to read your words.

Hugs, Patsie

patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 1/6/2009 6:49 AM (GMT -7)   
P.S. alcoholics are very controlling and VERY jealous of other relationships we foster. Even our children. I could never quite get that but man it is true. Just food for thought. Patsie

Schnook
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/6/2009 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
patsie said...
P.S. alcoholics are very controlling and VERY jealous of other relationships we foster. Even our children. I could never quite get that but man it is true. Just food for thought. Patsie


Patsie,

Thanks for your comment. It was great to hear from you and know part of your past as being similar to what I am going through. I can honestly say that leaving my husband and my life (I have been with this man since I was 17) has crossed my mind many times. Very often it has been ONLY the fear of being able to support my children and myself plus totally changing my childrens lives that has kept me from leaving. I live in another state from any family and am basically on my own where I'm at. Like I mentioned to my mother, I don't know how to leave!!

I hope to speak with you often!

Landa

P.S.

He has emotional things that drain me even if he is not drinking but there are many instances where he acts like the "himself" I married and this makes it hard to leave him because I hope he can be ok again.

Post Edited (Schnook) : 1/6/2009 8:41:45 AM (GMT-7)


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 1/6/2009 8:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Landa,

I was with my husband from the age of 17 too. I fully understand. The day my son left for college I left too. Had no family support but I did it..... I like you had a good education and learned how very much I was capable of. Please write me anytime. I am so thinking of you. Bless those children. Patsie

Nanda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 1/6/2009 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Landa,
I see everyone on the forum is giving you some wonderful advice and am glad you have this place for you. As donnaeil mentioned you should contact your local domestic violence hotline. You say that you don't know how you could leave. Well, the support groups there can help you to understand what you need to do and how to do it. I hope you understand that abuse is not just physical but also emotional and verbal. It all can be very damaging.
love and light,
Cynthia
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