Oh, Tricia, I have been wondering where you had gone! I am so sorry that you are going through this, you poor thing! I cannot imagine how badly you must feel - or how scared and disappointed.
I think lack of sex can be a big part it. Men need sex to feel close to their partners. Women tend to be the other way around...they need to feel close first, then they want sex. Men need the sex to connect, then they feel close. When there is lack of sex, I think problems within the marriage can appear worse.
I can say that I truly don't believe it is the 10 pounds, so please stop beating yourself up over that.
Fibromyalgia since 2006
"Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live." Robert F. Kennedy
Post Edited (KerriH) : 1/21/2009 1:54:38 PM (GMT-7)
I will try and give a Man's perspective to this......These are not my views, but I will try and let you into a man's mind.
Men do not know how to "nurse" a sick loved one. We do our best to fix things and get you what you need. When we are sick we tend to withdraw and heal, so when our woman gets sick we withdraw and let them heal. Through this withdrawal you become less attractive to us. This is forced in order to tame our own hormonal needs while you are sick. Men generally do not want to have sex with their wife when she is ill. If you are in a flare and are ill or fatigued continuously, then the man stays withdrawn. The less sex we have with our wife the more withdrawn we become...sooner or later resentment starts to set in....
Kerri is absolutely right about a couple things ( I applaud your insight into the male mind!!:) )
"Women tend to be the other way around...they need to feel close first, then they want sex. Men need the sex to connect, then they feel close." (Kerri)
It is good that he has talked to you about the lack of chemistry because that means he still has interest in making things right. It is not easy for a man to say that and is his cry for help. Many men would go outside the marriage for the chemistry that he needs. You two need to have an honest discussion about what is going on. You need to resolve the sex issue seperately. He needs to know that his needs will be taken care of and that you understand how he feels. After he has disregarded the sex issue you can discuss the things that you need as a couple.
Never let a man feel attacked or he will withdraw. Always let a man withdraw and he will not go as far into his cave and after a bit he will be open to talking again. You can not expect a man to be instantly ready to talk about emotional issues. You must slowly guide him into these discussions and allow him to address his emotions.
DO NOT USE HIS WORDS AGAINST HIM OR HE WILL NOT PROVIDE YOU WITH ANY MORE AMMUNITION
DO NOT ISSUE ULTIMATUMS OR YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE OUTCOME
DO NOT ACT LIKE SEX IS A FAVOR YOU DO FOR HIM .... IT IS NOT EASY FOR A MAN TO NOT HAVE CONTROL OF HIS SEX LIFE
I have to get some work done or I would keep going... I hope that I was able to help in any way....feel free to ask questions. I am pretty straight forward and never mind giving my opinion.... :)
Sorry to hear that. I know how much it hurts when it feels like a relationship is falling apart.
And I can't let Jokat go it alone here. I'm pretty hesitant here to buy into the "mid-life crisis" thing. I've seen it cause some strange things, but I suspect it's more about depression and monotony of a routine that never changes. During the counseling, bring up the subject of depression (probably you both are). Ask him if he feels bored - and what would change that. Finding things that would break up his routine might help a lot.
Just my own experience in these things - I think sex is usually not the real issue - it's a symptom. If you'll take care of the other things in the relationship, the sex will pretty much take care of itself. Just my experience with a poor relationship that didn't work out and a good one.
And remember - someone has to be willing to take a chance and reach out to the other. And yes, we are vulnerable and risk rejection. But it has to be done to break down the barriers that are forming. If one of you doesn't do it, things will continue to get worse.
I don't know. I just seems like marriage is one of those things where either you're growing together or you're growing apart. With the additional health challenges, hopefully you'll find a new way to grow together.
I tend to have "non-standard" views on most things, but I hoped this has helped in some small way..
Thank you all so much! Hearing other views has helped me to see that he might just be going through something and we just might be able to work through it. I'm holding on to hope for our counceling session. I do know that I can't fall into a living coma because of my Fibro and this scare has helped me to realize I too can improve my quality of life so that I remain true to myself and the person that he fell in love with. I do know that this is an issue that he needs to work through, but it takes two to make a marriage work and I'm in it to win it. I just hope he is to.
Thank you again,Tricia
Before my husband and I were together, he was engaged to someone who, about 8 months into their relationship, 'came down' w/ Fibro & CFS.
I remember him saying that it was like watching a death, in a way. The woman he fell in love with changed into someone he no longer recognized. He never once blamed her, but the truth was he went through a loss too because of the illness. He felt helpless, felt he could not take care of her. Nothing he could do could take away her pain or fatigue and that made him feel like he was not a useful partner. Sex became almost non-existent and they grew apart. He said something that I will never forget, "People who are sick think that they are the only ones who suffer. They don't appreciate that their partners suffer too, often in silence to remain strong."
I'm sharing this story to show what some spouses/partners go through when they watch their loved-ones suffer. Neither you nor your husband is wrong or insensitive or unloving. He is reaching out to you, trying to share his true feelings. Although it is so difficult to hear (I would be devistated too if my husband were to have that talk with me), it is good that he is opening up and letting you in. I think it's important to be open to hearing this from him, no matter how difficult it may be. It's the only way you two can move toward healing.
I think it's wonderful that Jokat was able to share such wonderful insight into the male mind. It seems, from your recent post, that this insight did help you. It helped me too, by reinforcing what I already knew to be true about my own husband. :)
I wish you all the best, Tricia. I'm so sorry for your troubles. I really hope that, through counseling, you two are able to find a way through this.
Wow..*starts passing out honorary PHD's in Counseling and Philosophy* this is an amazing thread.
tulip,I'm so sorry for this suffering..I understand so well,Steve and I are almost to the point ya'll are(sans boat..lol)not really fighting but I can feel something brewing,and its a bit malevolent.And as far as the sex goes...I can see his point,I was a very sexual woman before this...but after this mess took hold,I had to hang up my hand cuffs.... and if I could handle it, I would love nothing better than to hole up in a hotel in the Smokies for about 4 days and be able to flat tear him up....*sighs*
and fat?!I've gained 20lbs.in the last year...I'm almost 6ft tall but my belly is atrocious...only to the painter Rubin would I be considered hot....*double sigh*
"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way that you carry it." (Jokat)
Wow, Jokat, I cannot tell you how much your post moved me. That was really wonderful. I have no doubt that it will help many people on here.
Fibromyalgia since 2007
Wow... you are all so great. We went to our first counceling session today. A man councelor listened to our story, my husband explained that he's lost that chemistry you feel for a wife. I said, that I think he's going through a mid life crises of a sort. The man told us that he thinks my husband's expectations of marriage is unrealistic. I have to say even though I was some what relieved to hear it, I still watched his face... thinking, but I still lost that chemistry... what about that?
I do need to work out and get healthy. I don't want fibro to take over my life and change who I am. So, I will work on me and we will go to counceling and if I end up feeling better about myself then great. If we break up at least I'll look good single. Just kidding!!!
I felt better after our session, my husband said, he felt a bit ganged up on. We have an appointment next week. We'll see how it goes.
All your comments have helped me tremendously. I have especially appreciated Jokat's posts. Part of me wants to open up his head and see what the heck he's thinking and the other part of me wants to smack his head.
I'll keep you posted and all comments are welcome!