I just can't do it anymore.

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honeyprincess21
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 3/11/2009 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this way. I've had flares but this is worse then anything I've ever experienced. It's been going on for the past 3 weeks and does not feel like it's getting any better. Nobody in my life understands. My boyfriend thinks it's "an old lady disease" and teases me about it and doesn't quite grasp the severity. He thinks I'm a baby about pain and teases me (he's really not a bad guy, he just doesn't understand). My friends don't get it either. They talk to me on the phone and because I SOUND okay, they assume I'm the same energetic person I used to be. I get attitude for not going out but they don't understand that the thought of just getting up to get ready is hard enough...you add in trying to drive to their house and then of course, they have to go to the bar. I can't handle the sound, the smells, everything. Everything is overwhelming. I thought I had done a good job of weeding out the "untrue" friends when the Endometriosis started getting worse, but apparently I haven't because if I can't come out, I get ignored by my friends for weeks at a time.
 
I was on an Intermittent FMLA leave from my work due to the endo. Well somewhere in there, I was dx'ed with the Fibro and have missed time for both. So when it came time for my HR dept to recertify my FMLA, they wouldn't. Verbally I was told it was because they "didn't see a resolution in sight". No  They don't seem to grasp that neither of these conditions are permanently "fixable". In writing, I was told my paperwork was not complete enough. That's BS because it was word for word, the same thing that was submitted last year PLUS 2 letters from my gyno and my Physical Therapist. But nope, I'm not protected anymore and last week I was put on probation for missing my first day after being taken off of FMLA. If I miss one more day in the next 6 months, I'm fired. That's impossible. I'm supposed to be pain free for the next 6 months??? I wish. Because of this, my mom and dad have been telling me that no matter how bad I feel, I "need to suck it up and tough it out and go in". Nobody really seems to understand how bad this is.
 
And on top of all of this, I've been getting a few weird new symptoms I've never experienced before. My face gets extremely itchy, to the point where it ends up being bright red from my scratching - usually around the nose and mouth. My collarbone has been extremely stiff and popping a lot lately and my ribs feel completely bruised.
 
Put that together with everything else...the chills, the pain, the nausea, the dizziness....I just can't do it anymore.
 
Then everything I read talks about how this can be caused by trauma. The only things I can recall that occurred around the onset of symptoms are the physical abuse by my ex and the rape by a former classmate. (Because of these two things, I now have SEVERE anxiety with attacks and PTSD).
 
I can't handle knowing that all the pain and torture I'm feeling are from that. It's hard enough to deal with the mental/emotional repurcussions of that without adding in the physical. To just know that this was basically thrust upon me by the horrible actions of others...I just can't handle it.
 
I live with all of the memories of the rape every single day. To me, that traumatized me far more then the physical abuse. To know that this is because of that...I can't do it anymore.
 
I've read online about how a few of Dr Kevokian's patients were Fibro sufferers and I have to say
 
I can't take this anymore. I'm sitting at work, MISERABLE, in pain, nauseous, crying to myself because nobody here cares -- they've all heard about my pain so much that they seem to be numb to it...wish I was.
 
I just really want  The only thing keeping me from it is knowing that with my luck, I'd screw it up somehow and and would be left in worse shape. That and the fact that I don't want my family to hurt because of me. But I also feel like I'm a drain on them. They assure me I'm not, but you know how it feels....
 
 
 I feel completely hopeless. I know flares "eventually" go away, but there's always going to be more. I'm only 28. What happens when I get older and get arthritis and stuff like that? I can't live the rest of my life feeling this bad.
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Sherrine) : 3/11/2009 1:53:07 PM (GMT-6)


SassyIsMyKitty
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 3/11/2009 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time right now. I know that things seem hopeless right now, but they aren't. I understand that it is hard to have friends who don't understand. And the thing with your work has to be frustrating. There are times when you probably just want to curl up in a ball and never get up. But, you have to remember that seasons come and seasons go. The season you are going through will pass. It might not pass right away, but it will pass. I will keep you in my prayers. I am not one to preach to people, but just let me say this: God is good, and He will get you through this rough time. It may seem like things are hopeless now, but God is going to pull you through this.

Anyways. Take care. Try to hang in there. Also, maybe consider letting your friends and boyfriend read the "Spoon Theory". It is really helpful, and it might help put your situation into perspective for them.


~MDD, Fibromyalgia, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, IBS, TMJ, Arthritis~
 
May your heart be filled with love and joy.
May your mind be clear and true.
May your smiles be many,
And may your tears be few. 
May God wrap you in His arms
Especially when you're feeling blue.


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 3/11/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Honeyprincess, I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible time.  The stress and depression you are having is feeding into the pain, too.  Things aren't hopeless.  I know you are young and you are projecting yourself in the future, but no one knows the future.  Fibromyalgia waxes and wanes.  That's been my experience.  I have had some terrible times with fibro, to the point that I could barely get out of a chair, but I'm not like that now.  Right now the symptoms are under control and I am able to move freely, exercise, etc.  I don't have a clue how long this good period will last but I do know I'll have more good periods in my future because it has always happened that way for me.
 
Right now you are quite depressed over your situation.  You have a lot of anger and all of this can cause more pain.  Take one day and one day only.  You can get through a day without too much trouble.  Tomorrow could be much better and thinking like that will help you more than the hopeless thinking you are doing right now.
 
I know it's frustrating that people really don't understand.  I gave up trying to get them to understand.  I understand and that's what counts.  I know I have to learn how to control the pain and live my life to the best of my ability.  It isn't always easy but it sure is worth it.  I have some fantastic memories of things I've accomplished and seen when I was having a good period with the fibro.  The good thing about fibromyalgia is that it does have some good periods along with the bad.  I can think of many illnesses that are far worse than fibro so, if it is my lot in life to have an illness, I got lucky.  I know that probably sounds crazy to you right about now!  But, I'm not dying from fibro, I do have good times with friends, I can come here to vent and be with my fibro friends who truly do understand.  So, when things get overwhelming, come here.  We just might be able to help you get over that hump because we have all been there at one time or another.
 
Do deep breathing and Lamaze breathing and try to do things to alleviate your stress.  We are all under tremendous stress right now...with not only our health but what is going on in the world today.  We do have to learn how to control the anxiety that it creates.  When  you get home, try taking a long, soaking bath and try to think of good things in your life.  I know there are some.  We are here for you so vent away.  Hope you feel better soon.
 
Sherrine 
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 3/11/2009 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Honeyprincess,

Sherrine just posted exactly what was running through my mind. You will get through this, now just seems more than you can handle b/c it seems to be coming from everywhere.

There have been times in my life I have had to take things hour by hour. You are a lot stronger than you think. All we Fibro sisters and brothers are tough and capable. Remember that.

One day at a time!!!!!

Patsie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 3/11/2009 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Honeyprincess,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you have some good days soon. As Sherrine said, fibro waxes and wanes, so there are good days along with the difficult days. Try to hang in there and remember you have us to talk to.

Also if the depression gets bad, you are always welcome to post on the depression forum. Like the fibro forum, there are a lot of wonderful members there who do understand.

I hope that your day gets better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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