I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this way. I've had flares but this is worse then anything I've ever experienced. It's been going on for the past 3 weeks and does not feel like it's getting any better. Nobody in my life understands. My boyfriend thinks it's "an old lady disease" and teases me about it and doesn't quite grasp the severity. He thinks I'm a baby about pain and teases me (he's really not a bad guy, he just doesn't understand). My friends don't get it either. They talk to me on the phone and because I SOUND okay, they assume I'm the same energetic person I used to be. I get attitude for not going out but they don't understand that the thought of just getting up to get ready is hard enough...you add in trying to drive to their house and then of course, they have to go to the bar. I can't handle the sound, the smells, everything. Everything is overwhelming. I thought I had done a good job of weeding out the "untrue" friends when the Endometriosis started getting worse, but apparently I haven't because if I can't come out, I get ignored by my friends for weeks at a time.
I was on an Intermittent FMLA leave from my work due to the endo. Well somewhere in there, I was dx'ed with the Fibro and have missed time for both. So when it came time for my HR dept to recertify my FMLA, they wouldn't. Verbally I was told it was because they "didn't see a resolution in sight". No They don't seem to grasp that neither of these conditions are permanently "fixable". In writing, I was told my paperwork was not complete enough. That's BS because it was word for word, the same thing that was submitted last year PLUS 2 letters from my gyno and my Physical Therapist. But nope, I'm not protected anymore and last week I was put on probation for missing my first day after being taken off of FMLA. If I miss one more day in the next 6 months, I'm fired. That's impossible. I'm supposed to be pain free for the next 6 months??? I wish. Because of this, my mom and dad have been telling me that no matter how bad I feel, I "need to suck it up and tough it out and go in". Nobody really seems to understand how bad this is.
And on top of all of this, I've been getting a few weird new symptoms I've never experienced before. My face gets extremely itchy, to the point where it ends up being bright red from my scratching - usually around the nose and mouth. My collarbone has been extremely stiff and popping a lot lately and my ribs feel completely bruised.
Put that together with everything else...the chills, the pain, the nausea, the dizziness....I just can't do it anymore.
Then everything I read talks about how this can be caused by trauma. The only things I can recall that occurred around the onset of symptoms are the physical abuse by my ex and the rape by a former classmate. (Because of these two things, I now have SEVERE anxiety with attacks and PTSD).
I can't handle knowing that all the pain and torture I'm feeling are from that. It's hard enough to deal with the mental/emotional repurcussions of that without adding in the physical. To just know that this was basically thrust upon me by the horrible actions of others...I just can't handle it.
I live with all of the memories of the rape every single day. To me, that traumatized me far more then the physical abuse. To know that this is because of that...I can't do it anymore.
I've read online about how a few of Dr Kevokian's patients were Fibro sufferers and I have to say
I can't take this anymore. I'm sitting at work, MISERABLE, in pain, nauseous, crying to myself because nobody here cares -- they've all heard about my pain so much that they seem to be numb to it...wish I was.
I just really want The only thing keeping me from it is knowing that with my luck, I'd screw it up somehow and and would be left in worse shape. That and the fact that I don't want my family to hurt because of me. But I also feel like I'm a drain on them. They assure me I'm not, but you know how it feels....
I feel completely hopeless. I know flares "eventually" go away, but there's always going to be more. I'm only 28. What happens when I get older and get arthritis and stuff like that? I can't live the rest of my life feeling this bad.
Post Edited By Moderator (Sherrine) : 3/11/2009 1:53:07 PM (GMT-6)