A-h-h Danielle- You have been through plenty my dear. Having an awakening like that is fantastic and now you can move forward and put all that "psychic garbage" as you called it in its proper place- not with you!!!
Here's to new beginnings and to new perspectives in your life!
I don't care how much you weigh...I love you anyway! I have the same issues and it has effected me in the opposite direction. Last year, after four deaths in my immediate family within a two year period, I lost so much weight I looked like an ad for Save The Children. A chicken carcass. Honestly? I don't know which is worse...being over weight or looking like nothing but bones and wrinkles. Same self esteem issues and feeling worthless but a different reaction to it. Thankfully one of the drugs the doc put me on helped me put some weight on but let me tell you, it is hell getting off of it. I have been having brain zaps and adrenalin rushes for two weeks and I finally broke down today and took the stupid Lexapro so I could enjoy the birthday my hubby planned for me.
Please love yourself...I know it's just words but you are a thoughtful, funny and productive person. You should care about yourself because like the l'oreal ad says...You're worth it! And...the more you dwell on the weight issue the harder it is to take it off. I used to sit and look at a plate of food and gag...then obsess about the gagging for hours later, calling myself all kinds of names for not being able to eat the beautiful dinner the hubby had cooked.
We are with you all the way...you wanna Snickers bar? Get me on the forum and I'll tell you all about the dog poo I scraped off the bottom of my shoe. Or what I found in the vegetable crisper that had been there for more than five months. Yum!
Hang in there girl!
Ah Danielle, your post really brings back images of myself. I have struggled with this my whole life. Getting Fibro was like "sure, give me something else people can "zing" me about." Years ago I went to counseling. It took me 9 months to be able to say I was OK. I really hated myself & was given the dx of Lost Child. I hid myself & as a child thought no one could see me because I was not important, I was invisible. I weighed almost nothing & thought & of myself as stupid & homely. During the time of counselling, I had also met my, now, husband. He came to pick me up for a date & I was so excited about what I had learned that day in counselling. As soon as I opened the door I said, "guess what? I'm human". He just said "Ya?" Looking back it's funny but then I really had just made a huge leap in my recovery. I still eat emotionally & it has come back with this illness but I am moving past it again. I am so happy for you, you will find a new kind of life, one that is filled with what you like & what you feel. When I first started my journey, I was asked "What is your style?" I had none, I enjoyed the fun of figuring it out though.
Hugs & may your journey be filled with love & joy, Denise
I have: Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, Holt-Oram Syndrome, nasal allergies, food allergies, depression, TMJ, anxiety Married to a wonderful supportive husband & between us we have 4 children & 7 grandchildren As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it. Prov. 25:11
Self discovery can be really scary. But look at you now - you are already making changes based on that self discovery. Your self talk and saying you are a person of value is a big change. Keep that up. Many of us women have unhealthy relationships with food and with ourselves. We feel unworthy and unloveable and it is a battle to change those thoughts. Keep telling yourself that you are valuable, even when you don't feel like it.
Well, Danielle, you sure aren't alone. Somehow love and food get all messed up somewhere beyond our ability to recall, parents offering food to pacify us when what we need is their love. So many people fit into this category.
It all happens so early it is hard to untangle. now, that doesn't give you and I permisssion to continue on a path of self destruction. We are the adult now, and need to self-love to heal.
Get a full length mirror. Take all your clothes off. Stand in front of the mirror and find one part of your body youu do like. I like my lower legs. Also my hands. My fingers are long and agile, and when I remember to wear gloves while gardening, quite attractive. Also, I loved my long brunette hair, so thick, so wavy. Alas, recently, my grey roots are invading at an alarming rate so I changed my hair to better integrate the roots. I had a dozen foils put in, co-ordinated with the worst of the grey roots so as to age to grey (white) hair more naturally. So right now, I'm on the fence with the hair thing but I do know it will be better in the long run.
Start finding things about your body you do like. Look it over, inch by inch. Gradually, acceptance will set in and then a desire to find more areas to approve of. You will be inspired to create more. So you will stop eating donuts, pound cake (except in cases of extreme crisis- like when police come to your door). Then and only then can you have a slice of pound cake. Don't buy the goop and you won't be able to eat it. Choose instead to try a different fruit or vegetable, or whole grain, daily. When i was in love as a teenager, I took off twenty pounds really fast. Here goes. Oatmeal/skim milk/fruit for breakfast. Plain chicken or beef broth with six whole grain crackers (no fat), for lunch. Carrot sticks or apple slices at 4PM. 1Poached egg on plain toast for supper with real steamed spinach with a sprinkle of vinegar. Presto. Another: Ensure and a banana for breakfast, ensure and an energy bar for lunch, fruit or celery sticks for snack, celery is a negative food- it takes more calories to consume than it contains. A chef's salad (olive oil and balsamic vinegar) over mixed greens and low calorie sliced meat, cut in shreds for supper. 1 Piece of Raisin toast for snack. Warm herbal or green tea or one of the lovely teas they now sell with Goji berries and pomegrante. Or make your own diet. Follow the diabetic diet guidelines. 1000 calories a day and start walking. 1 block. gold star on chart. 2 blocks 2 gold stars, 3, 3 on and on. After you amass 25 gold stars, go treat yourself to a new body lotion, bath salts, whatever gets you excited. Good luck. I'm there walking right along with you. Good effort.
((( Danielle )))
Yesterday I wrote a long philosphical dissertation, that was very thought provoked and, if I do say so myself, well written. As I was contemplating what to write, I got up from my cozy recliner and placed my open laptop on the end table to wonder around and think more about what I was writing to you. (cause you know I love you and want to say just the right thing). Soon there after, I heard a clink noise and I knew exactly what had happened. My little dog, Chloe had jumped off of the recliner and snagged her little foot on the powercord for the laptop and it hit my FULL coffee cup. The coffee spilled all over the keyboard of my computer. GREAT!!! NOT!!!
Needless to say the keyboard was toast. I wanted to cry, scream and laugh all at the same time. Hubby was on the ball and blew out the computer with his air compresser and said, "don't use it till tomorrow". So there I was, like a junkie going through withdrawl. I had a friend I was dying to talk to that's having a rough time.. but it was as if I had duct tape over my mouth. ARRRRG!!! So the Hubster goes on-line and looks up computers on sale (w/o) my knowlege. The next thing I knew, we were in the car, running to Staples and buying a brand new laptop. (Got a great deal, but it was going to expire last night.. so we HAD to go out and get it).
Fast forward to this morning.... When I woke up, there he was working away to get everything installed and up and running for the new laptop. I opened the old computer to see if it was still alive or just plain junk. Well well well.. its working just fine! As a matter of fact I'm writing this post with the old coffee drenched laptop. (He's still installing everything on the new one).
Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about you and wanting to say something WONDERFUL to help you through you're issue. But all of those great things I had written yesterday have gone poof... out of my head. Dang it.. it was good too!!! So, after that incredibly long story, I learned something. I should have been more thoughtful about where I place my computer and liquid (that's a duh moment), just like we should all be more thoughtful about how we treat ourselves. If I hadn't done something that I do all the time, (putting my open computer next to a cup of coffee) everything would have been just fine, but I did and that's yesterday's news. I wanted to beat myself up for being dumb and letting that happen but there's no point in it, what's done is done and now I have to move on.
The woulda, coulda, shoulda concept is irrelevant. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I should have taken better care of things, but I didn't, from here on out.. I will and hopefully I won't make that mistake again.. just like weight gain, I didn't intentionally do it. Just like weight loss, getting this thing fixed is gonna take some time. Here's the Big But, my (orginal) computer is still just fine, it works the same, a little stained but I still love it. Just like...You're still the same lovable person, you might have allowed your put on some weight but we all still love you no matter what. So remember to love yourself because you're a big part of the picture in YOUR life and if you want or need to lose weight, take your time and be thoughtful about how you care for yourself.
OK.. that was waaaay too long. I hope it made some sense. Just know that I'm here for you and I really care about you and if you need my support all you need to do is ask, I'm there!!!
PS... I need to lose a bunch of weight, too. So I'll try to remember this story and lose a pound a week. It will take a year to lose as much as I would like, but I'll give it a shot and hope for the best.
I hope you don't suffer too much. Please know I'm here / we're here, when you're going through a hard time and we want to help. I hope you come back soon and let us know how we can help or just vent or just how things are going. Please don't be too hard on yourself and I hope you find what you need from within.