I've made a shocking realization about myself!

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SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 3/14/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday I posted in the "I want to lose 10 lbs" thread and explained how I've slowly gained 70lbs over the course of the past 7 years and how bad I am feeling about this, etc. I have always been a "curvy" gal. Never super skinny in my whole life, always just more chubby and round, but now I can honestly say that I am truly fat, fat, FAT! Not to get super down on myself here, I am just stating the truth.

I have always had issues with over eating, for as long as I can remember. I've consistently used food to sooth myself and have also tended to be a "solitary" binge eater-as in, when nobody else is around I eat way too much. I have never thought about what I'm putting into my body, I've always just eaten whatever I was craving in any given moment-potatoes, breads, pie, cake, cookies, ice cream..and on and on and on. I've also never known when to stop. I've never been a purger (as in-bulimic) but I have definitely been a binger-eating until I felt sick, rather than eating until I was satisfied.

So last night after I realized just how bad things had gotten for me weight wise (I just bought my very first scale-I've never owned one in my life, if you can believe that!) and I started feeling really, really, REALLY down. Like-how in the world did I get here? I mean, I know how I got here in the sense that my binges and overeating have added up to equal extra weight. In the past, my weight really only fluctuated by 10-15 lbs no matter what I ate, but I am getting older and I have had 3 kids and I am genetically prone to obesity (everyone on my dad's side of the family has weight issues) so this was bound to happen someday! But I am just really shocked at how this has happened from an emotional standpoint. How have I gotten so out of touch with myself that I haven't noticed this slow creeping weight gain? I mean, yes, I knew I was larger than I used to be, but I was super shocked at just HOW large I am now!

Anyway-last night I was thinking about things and I realized-wow. It really isn't the least bit shocking that I am struggling with this-I have been treating myself like a garbage dump! I have been treating myself like a worthless piece of you know what! I have taken all of the abuse and psychological trash that has been shoved on to me by the people around me like, my whole entire life, and brought it into myself. My parents..grandparents...aunts, uncles..on and on. They were all so messed up and they dumped so much junk on to me from birth on. Psychic garbage, I call it. And you know what I've done? I've let them make me believe that I am worthless! All these years, I have felt like-who cares? It's just me and nobody cares about me, so why should I care about myself? And so, I've been eating and eating and filling myself up with junk and not exercising and not getting enough sleep and not de-stressing enough and not taking the time to take care of ME. I have been super good at taking care of other people because I have believed that this is the ONLY way I will EVER have any value. I have believed that I have no inherent value or worth, so the only way to "prove" myself and be loved is by being super woman and taking care of everybody else around me, while treating myself like garbage. I have spent years and years feeling lonely and scared and like nobody gives a crap about me, and so I've treated myself the way I felt other people treated me. I haven't been able to see anything good about myself at all!

I don't mean to go on and on here, but I am just SHOCKED by all of this! I would never in a million years treat anybody else on the planet as poorly as I treat myself! shocked Then I got kind of angry-how DARE those people treat me that way for all of those years! For the first time, I let myself feel really truly angry at my past abusers...then I got frustrated with myself. How DARE I treat myself this way! Of course I have value! Of course I have worth! God wouldn't have put me on this Earth if I didn't have value and worth!

Now I have to work on unraveling this thread of lies inside of myself, but at least now I truly SEE for the first time WHY I am here! I wish I could express to all of you just how absolutely HUGE this breakthrough is for me...wowie!

Anyway...that's where I am at now. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading :-)
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


puppylover
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 821
   Posted 3/14/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Danielle,
I did read it all and I really feel for you. I 'm sure that in figuring out what is going on 'inside' of you will be the start of healing. I'll be thinking about you .

Puppylover
On the eighth day God created Golden Retrievers.


GamJill
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1279
   Posted 3/14/2009 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   

A-h-h Danielle- You have been through plenty my dear. Having an awakening like that is fantastic and now you can move forward and put all that "psychic garbage" as you called it in its proper place- not with you!!!

Here's to new beginnings and to new perspectives in your life!

GamJill

 


 
 
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, TMJ, Arthritis/neck, SAD
 
Zoloft, Tylenol 4000 mg., Darvocet  


vestabula
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2855
   Posted 3/14/2009 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   

I don't care how much you weigh...I love you anyway!  I have the same issues and it has effected me in the opposite direction.  Last year, after four deaths in my immediate family within a two year period, I lost so much weight I looked like an ad for Save The Children.  A chicken carcass.   Honestly?  I don't know which is worse...being over weight or looking like nothing but bones and wrinkles.  Same self esteem issues and feeling worthless but a different reaction to it.  Thankfully one of the drugs the doc put me on helped me put some weight on but let me tell you, it is hell getting off of it.  I have been having brain zaps and adrenalin rushes for two weeks and I finally broke down today and took the stupid Lexapro so I could enjoy the birthday my hubby planned for me.

Please love yourself...I know it's just words but you are a thoughtful, funny and productive person.  You should care about yourself because like the l'oreal ad says...You're worth it!  And...the more you dwell on the weight issue the harder it is to take it off.  I used to sit and look at a plate of food and gag...then obsess about the gagging for hours later, calling myself all kinds of names for not being able to eat the beautiful dinner the hubby had cooked.

We are with you all the way...you wanna Snickers bar?  Get me on the forum and I'll tell you all about the dog poo I scraped off the bottom of my shoe.  Or what I found in the vegetable crisper that had been there for more than five months.  Yum!

Hang in there girl!

Huggies

donna


fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium


Baloo
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 210
   Posted 3/14/2009 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Sleepybug, Congratulations, You are in life changing place. I have been were you are at, reading your post is like reading what I discovered a couple years ago. I did the samething, and felt the same, from what I can tell. I too went out and bought a scale and Yowzaa I couldn't believe it. I said I deserve better than this, I am a binge eater to and to this day I notice I have breakdowns of eating when something stressful comes my way, especially the memories of the abuse I went thru. I have lost 70lbs the first year and have manage to keep it off within a 2 pound range. I still should loose 20lbs but my body said thats it. This is where your going to be. I started off with Jennie Craig(Way to expensive) and moved on to Weight watchers which is a God send for me. I could learn to change my eating and it didn't require the exercise. Now i can exercise when my body lets me. All I am saying thru this is" YOu Go Girl" I am with ya. and proud of you.
Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto Thyroid disease,


Binki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 386
   Posted 3/14/2009 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
((((Danielle))))

I'm so PROUD of you for making a step towards a life that is meant for you, not everybody else. I agree that maybe some counseling would be beneficial for you. I too have had similar weight problems because of past abusive issues and I made it through with the help of some real supportive people. I tried Jenny Craig years ago, worked great, yes it is expensive. But it did teach me how to watch how, what I eat.

Take one day at a time, hun. Thanx for sharing your feelings with us.

Luv and lots of hugs,
XOXO :-)
Lori  
 
Dx Fibro 1/2008, gastritis
 
600mg Gabapentin, 50mg Pristiq, Ultracet and/or Fentanyl patch as needed, Vitamin D3, Menopausal Support Multi-vitamin


jewelrylady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 3/14/2009 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Ah Danielle, your post really brings back images of myself.  I have struggled with this my whole life.  Getting Fibro was like "sure, give me something else people can "zing" me about."  Years ago I went to counseling.  It took me 9 months to be able to say I was OK.  I really hated myself & was given the dx of Lost Child.  I hid myself & as a child thought no one could see me because I was not important, I was invisible.  I weighed almost nothing & thought & of myself as stupid & homely.  During the time of counselling, I had also met my, now, husband.  He came to pick me up for a date & I was so excited about what I had learned that day in counselling.  As soon as I opened the door I said, "guess what?  I'm human".  He just said "Ya?"  Looking back it's funny but then I really had just made a huge leap in my recovery.  I still eat emotionally & it has come back with this illness but I am moving past it again.  I am so happy for you, you will find a new kind of life, one that is filled with what you like & what you feel.  When I first started my journey, I was asked "What is your style?" I had none, I enjoyed the fun of figuring it out though. 

Hugs & may your journey be filled with love & joy, Denise


 I have:  Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, Holt-Oram Syndrome, nasal allergies, food allergies, depression, TMJ, anxiety  Married to a wonderful supportive husband & between us we have 4 children & 7 grandchildren As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.    Prov. 25:11


Statgeek
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 3/14/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Danielle,

Self discovery can be really scary.  But look at you now - you are already making changes based on that self discovery.  Your self talk and saying you are a person of value is a big change.  Keep that up.  Many of us women have unhealthy relationships with food and with ourselves.  We feel unworthy and unloveable and it is a battle to change those thoughts.  Keep telling yourself that you are valuable, even when you don't feel like it.

Hugs,

Sue


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 3/15/2009 3:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Well, Danielle, you sure aren't alone. Somehow love and food get all messed up somewhere beyond our ability to recall, parents offering food to pacify us when what we need is their love. So many people fit into this category.

It all happens so early it is hard to untangle. now, that doesn't give you and I permisssion to continue on a path of self destruction. We are the adult now, and need to self-love to heal.

Get a full length mirror. Take all your clothes off. Stand in front of the mirror and find one part of your body youu do like. I like my lower legs. Also my hands. My fingers are long and agile, and when I remember to wear gloves while gardening, quite attractive. Also, I loved my long brunette hair, so thick, so wavy. Alas, recently, my grey roots are invading at an alarming rate so I changed my hair to better integrate the roots. I had a dozen foils put in, co-ordinated with the worst of the grey roots so as to age to grey (white) hair more naturally. So right now, I'm on the fence with the hair thing but I do know it will be better in the long run. 

Start finding things about your body you do like. Look it over, inch by inch. Gradually, acceptance will set in and then a desire to find more areas to approve of. You will be inspired to create more. So you will stop eating donuts, pound cake (except in cases of extreme crisis- like when police come to your door). Then and only then can you have a slice of pound cake. Don't buy the goop and you won't be able to eat it. Choose instead to try a different fruit or vegetable, or whole grain, daily. When i was in love as a teenager, I took off twenty pounds really fast. Here goes. Oatmeal/skim milk/fruit for breakfast. Plain chicken or beef broth with six whole grain crackers (no fat), for lunch. Carrot sticks or apple slices at 4PM. 1Poached egg on plain toast for supper with real steamed spinach with a sprinkle of vinegar. Presto. Another: Ensure and a banana for breakfast, ensure and an energy bar for lunch, fruit or celery sticks for snack, celery is a negative food- it takes more calories to consume than it contains. A chef's salad (olive oil and balsamic vinegar) over mixed greens and low calorie sliced meat, cut in shreds for supper. 1 Piece of Raisin toast for snack. Warm herbal or green tea or one of the lovely teas they now sell with Goji berries and pomegrante. Or make your own diet. Follow the diabetic diet guidelines. 1000 calories a day and start walking. 1 block. gold star on chart. 2 blocks 2 gold stars, 3, 3 on and on. After you amass 25 gold stars, go treat yourself to a new body lotion, bath salts, whatever gets you excited. Good luck. I'm there walking right along with you. Good effort.  


Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 3/15/2009 5:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Danielle,

Let me begin by saying you may very well be on the road to kicking your fibro pain in the rear. I firmly believe our pain is a direct result of this discovery you are making about yourself. You are what is termed a "goodist", taking care of all those around you and really not facing yourself at all. I am with you all the way. I am working so hard on this spending 30 minutes morning and night just exploring mu unconscious mind for answers. I am improving so there has to be something to it.

Please let me know how you are doing. WE have to first take care and respect ourselves. Sounds easy but it is incredibly hard.

Thinking of you, Patsie

pattipanda
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 3/15/2009 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

((( Danielle )))

Yesterday I wrote a long philosphical dissertation, that was very thought provoked and, if I do say so myself, well written.  As I was contemplating what to write, I got up from my cozy recliner and placed my open laptop on the end table to wonder around and think more about what I was writing to you. (cause you know I love you and want to say just the right thing).  Soon there after, I heard a clink noise and I knew exactly what had happened.  My little dog, Chloe had jumped off of the recliner and snagged her little foot on the powercord for the laptop and it hit my FULL coffee cup.  The coffee spilled all over the keyboard of my computer.  GREAT!!! NOT!!! 

Needless to say the keyboard was toast.  I wanted to cry, scream and laugh all at the same time.  Hubby was on the ball and blew out the computer with his air compresser and said, "don't use it till tomorrow".  So there I was, like a junkie going through withdrawl. I had a friend I was dying to talk to that's having a rough time.. but it was as if I had duct tape over my mouth.  ARRRRG!!!  So the Hubster goes on-line and looks up computers on sale (w/o) my knowlege.  The next thing I knew, we were in the car, running to Staples and buying a brand new laptop.  (Got a great deal, but it was going to expire last night.. so we HAD to go out and get it).

Fast forward to this morning.... When I woke up, there he was working away to get everything installed and up and running for the new laptop.  I opened the old computer to see if it was still alive or just plain junk. Well well well.. its working just fine!  As a matter of fact I'm writing this post with the old coffee drenched laptop. (He's still installing everything on the new one).

Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about you and wanting to say something WONDERFUL to help you through you're issue.  But all of those great things I had written yesterday have gone poof... out of my head.  Dang it.. it was good too!!!  So, after that incredibly long story, I learned something. I should have been more thoughtful about where I place my computer and liquid (that's a duh moment), just like we should all be more thoughtful about how we treat ourselves.  If I hadn't done something that I do all the time, (putting my open computer next to a cup of coffee) everything would have been just fine, but I did and that's yesterday's news.  I wanted to beat myself up for being dumb and letting that happen but there's no point in it, what's done is done and now I have to move on.

The woulda, coulda, shoulda concept is irrelevant.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I should have taken better care of things, but I didn't, from here on out.. I will and hopefully I won't make that mistake again.. just like weight gain, I didn't intentionally do it.  Just like weight loss, getting this thing fixed is gonna take some time.  Here's the Big But, my (orginal) computer is still just fine, it works the same, a little stained but I still love it.  Just like...You're still the same lovable person, you might have allowed your put on some weight but we all still love you no matter what.  So remember to love yourself because you're a big part of the picture in YOUR life and if you want or need to lose weight, take your time and be thoughtful about how you care for yourself.

OK.. that was waaaay too long.  I hope it made some sense.  Just know that I'm here for you and I really care about you and if you need my support all you need to do is ask, I'm there!!!

Warm hugs,

PS... I need to lose a bunch of weight, too.  So I'll try to remember this story and lose a pound a week.  It will take a year to lose as much as I would like, but I'll give it a shot and hope for the best.


Patti
 
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel, Psoriasis. 
Meds = Elavil, Tramadol, Xanax, Lipitor
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - author unknown


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 3/15/2009 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone. Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.

I am kind of a mess right now. The realization was good one, but it's causing me a lot of pain and anger and sadness. I might not be around much for awhile, because I am just really not in a good place right now. I do thank you all so very much and love you dearly. I can honestly say that coming to this place is the first time I've ever felt so welcomed and cared for by so many in my life. You guys are pretty much strangers, yet you take the time to be kind and supportive in a way that pretty much no one else in my "real" life has ever been and I just appreciate it so much.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Love to you all.
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 3/15/2009 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Danielle, I've always had a weight problem.  I could gain ten pounds walking past a Twinkie display!  I tried many diets including Nutrisystem, and I even tried hypnotism and seeing a psychologist.  Nothing worked.  Diets definitely don't work.  Then I discovered counting carbohydrates.  This has worked great for me and it's easy to do...even with a family.  It is a way of life for me now and I love it and I'm never hungry and I eat what I want...in moderation.  I have lost 85 pounds doing this and have far more stamina now.  My basic exercise is walking and that is so healthy for you.  Feel free to  email me if you want to know more of what I do. 
 
I wish you the best of luck with this.  You will feel so good about yourself...and you should.  You are a lovely woman with a lot to offer people.  I've seen this on the forum!  It's what's inside that really counts, Danielle, but it sure feels good when you are content with your body image too.  (I've known several horrible people with great bodies!  I'm sure you have too.)  So, keep your eye on your goal and you will get there.  Just don't try to do it overnight.  If it comes off slow and easy it usually stays off, and that's definitely what you want!  Let us know how you are doing.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 3/15/2009 10:07 AM (GMT -7)   
You hang in there girl. I been to Hades and back several times, and there always was a reason hiding around the corner. Ya'hear.

Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


pattipanda
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 3/15/2009 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh Danielle,

I hope you don't suffer too much.  Please know I'm here / we're here, when you're going through a hard time and we want to help.  I hope you come back soon and let us know how we can help or just vent or just how things are going.  Please don't be too hard on yourself and I hope you find what you need from within.

Take care and big HUGS!!
Patti
 
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel, Psoriasis. 
Meds = Elavil, Tramadol, Xanax, Lipitor
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - author unknown


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 3/15/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Danielle,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please know even though we are virtual strangers as you say, we really care about one another.

Patti, I declare you wrote the nicest things. You always have a sincere way with a touch of humor. I can just see the computer with coffee all over it!!!! Not nice to giggle like I did.

Boston has been wonderful. Today is 60 and we walked as long as I could and it was great. I swear being away from the pressures and crashing has reduced my pain so much.

Danielle, did you read that. I have been amazed as I have a great deal of pressure in my day to day life. Far more I'm afraid than the average bear. BUT it is what it is and i will make it. KEEP the searching thoughts about the emotional aspects of this thing. It is significant.

Please hang on,

Patsie
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