Reporters and fibromyalgia sufferers gather at the Civic Center in Memphis Tennesee for a comprehensive lecture on this strange and dibilitating disorder by Dr. Poindexter Jackhammer. He receives a standing ovation as he walks to the podium and the questions begin.
Reporter: Please Dr. Jackhammer, give us your credentials.
Dr. J.: Gladly. I am head of Rheumatology, gynocology and the snack bar at St. Elvis Hospital right here in Memphis. I enjoy break dancing, birdwatching and occasionally help my wife demonstrate Mary Kay cosmetics on week-ends. Besides a degree in medicine, I have an MBA, PhD, and three associates degrees in cosmotology.
Reporter. Oh. Well...could you please explain fibromyalgia to use in layman terms to we might understand what these people experience on a daily basis?
Dr. J.: Certainly. Fibromyalgia is a riddle with in a riddle. A mysterious culmination of symptoms that have no definitive cause or cure. Fibro-mites...or as I like to call them...fibro-nauts describe pain, fatigue, and about a bizillion other bizarre complaints that frankly make me chuckle. I mean, some of the things my patients do! I sometimes have to hide my face in their file while they are talking to me so I don't bust a vessel laughing! Other times I leave the room and tell them I am going to consult with one of my colleagues and get me a cup of coffee while I compose myself.
Reporter: Are you saying this disease is not real?
Dr. J: That's a hard one. Some of my patients describe their pain as feeling like they have been set on fire, or beaten with a meat mallet...some say their eyeballs feel like they are popping out of their heads. One patient complained of the sensation of being stung by a swarm of hornets. Others fall asleep at their computers, crawl on their hands and knees to the bathroom while the family just sits there watching the Simpson's and step over them to get to the kitchen for more popcorn...Do you hear what I'm saying...Do you get my drift? Just listen to these symptoms! I TRY to believe...I really do.
Reporter: So you don't take them seriously? You don't treat them? What do you do to detect this disorder.
Dr J: Of course I treat them. First I have them lay naked on the examining table then I poke them with an ice pick...No No...that's just a joke. I press on their trigger points with a metal rod and if they levitate, or punch me in the nads, I tell them they have fibro. Then I give them several treatment options. I like to use what I call transversal distraction. If they tell me their legs hurt, I suggest they smack their hand with a hammer. You see...the pain in their hand takes their mind of the leg pain. I tell them to get a hobby, read a book...collect stamps...just do SOMETHING to take their minds off their pain! If they continue to return to me with the same complaints I will prescribe them a cocktail of drugs that may or may not work. But that option is a last resort. Drugs are the devil's playpen. Plus you know how closely drugs are monitored these days. I can't risk losing my license from handing out pain killers willy nilly.
Reporter: Don't you rule out other diseases before you diagnose them with fibro?
Dr J: But of course! Thousands of dollars worth of blood work, MRI's...spinal taps...Ouch that hurts! Listen. I'd LOVE to talk longer about this but I have to run. The wifey is demonstrating a new eye shadow today and I promised I would be there to help her lift the plastic compact.
Reporter: Sounds like she might have this disease if she can't lift a tiny eye shadow compact.
Dr J: (scratches his head and rolls his eyes). Whatever. Feel free to buy my new book at the door as you leave called 'Cooking With Garlic...It's A Gas!"
Dr. Poindexter Jackhammer leaves the stage but not before a woman in a wheel chair hurls her cellphone at him and breaks his nose.
Of course this is just a silly parody, but last night I had a phone call from a friend in VA who, after three years was just dx'd with both Lyme and Fibro. She went through four eye rolling Rhuemy's and two neurologists before finally getting an answer. She said her file was literally 8 inches thick. They hit a nerve with the spinal tap and she has shooting pain every day from 'the nick'.
There are some great doc's out there and I have one of them...as do most of you. Thank you to those who have really tried to help us. I feel very fortunate!
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ Meds: Lexapro and valium