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Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday. turn
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, Enlarged Pituitary Gland
******** "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world" from Helen Keller *********

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
A man was sleeping
soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, Enlarged Pituitary Gland
******** "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world" from Helen Keller *********

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   
A Repentant Husband apologized to wife, "Honey, I got mad at you a lot, but you a Goddess of Calm, never returned my verbal blows.

How do you control your rage towards me?"

Wife replied, "I start cleaning the toilet when you get mad. It helps me soothe down."

Overwhelmed husband asked, "Perhaps flowing cold water, Is it?"

Wife replied, "No, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush."
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, Enlarged Pituitary Gland
******** "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world" from Helen Keller *********

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Sure hope Y'all like these....
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGZ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, Enlarged Pituitary Gland
******** "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world" from Helen Keller *********

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********


patsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 3/29/2009 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I am rolling with laughter and man the timing was perfect. Send more when you have time!!!!

Patsie

pattipanda
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 3/29/2009 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Those were funny.. I sent them along to some of my friends and as for the last one .. about the toothbrush.. I sent that one to my husband.. he he he. yeah
Patti
 
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel, Psoriasis. 
Meds = Elavil, Tramadol, Xanax, Lipitor
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - author unknown


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 3/29/2009 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hahaha-loved these! Thanks for sharing them!

I am also a huge find of "odd news"-you know, real life news reports about weird things that have happened or stupid things people have done? Here's a few from the article I was reading today:

~~~~~~~~

After Elizabeth Russell, 45, and her 13-year-old daughter were arrested in February in Hartford, Conn., and charged with shoplifting from a Kohl's department store, her husband, Daryll, 47, and son, Jonathan, 19, arrived at the police station to bail them out. However, a quick check revealed that both Daryll and Jonathan had warrants against them for violating probation, and were arrested. Said a police lieutenant, "I don't ever recall having four related people in lockup at the same time." [Hartford Courant, 2-26-09]

~~~~~~~~

In December, Idaho State University sent certified-mail letters to its adjunct faculty to disclose (as required by law) that some of them would soon be laid off. However, only the first-class mail fee was billed to the university, leaving each professor to pay on receipt the certified-mail surcharge in order to find out what the university would send them that was so important. (The Idaho State Journal reported that it was the Postal Service's error.) [The Olympian, 12-25-08]

~~~~~~~~

Least Competent Criminals: Alleged bank robber Feliks Goldshtein was arrested after a brief chase by police, who were summoned to National City Bank in Stow, Ohio, in January. Employees may have been tipped off because Goldshtein, wearing a ski mask, had waited patiently in a teller's line and only displayed a gun when he finally reached the counter. [ABC News-AP, 1-9-09]

~~~~~~~~

Romeo Montillano, 40, who was being sought in the December robbery of a Kmart in Chula Vista, Calif., pleasantly surprised the cops when they learned that a "Romeo Montillano" had registered for the upcoming police officers' exam on Feb. 25. Indeed, he showed up, and he was arrested. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-AP, 3-1-09]

~~~~~~~~

From a May 1999 police report in The Messenger (Madisonville, Ky.), concerning two trucks being driven curiously on a rural road:

A man would drive a truck 100 yards, stop, walk back to a second truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the first truck, stop, walk back to the first truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the second truck, and so on, into the evening. He did it, he told police, because his brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks, and he was trying to drive both trucks home, at more or less the same time. (Not surprisingly, a blood-alcohol test showed the driver, also, to be impaired.) [The Messenger, 5-7-99] .610
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck

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