yesterday at the funeral

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

lost in philly
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/10/2009 4:47 AM (GMT -7)   
So the rule, it seems, about funerals is that you see people that you havent seen in ages...oh, since before you were sick. The other rule is that everyone is trying to make small talk about the obvious b/c they dont know anything deeper about you b/c they havent talked to you since the last family function, funeral, wedding ect.
So I heard alot of "Did you break your leg?" in response to my cane. That was ok. I simply smiled and said, "I wish. I've been sick."
But then after hours of sitting in a hard pew with emotions running havoc on my nerves, it was very hard for me to walk to the car. I do admit, I looked a bit like a marionette. When my left foot took a step, my right arm jutted out at the elbow and vice versus. Even my cane was kicking. hehehe
But what wasnt funny was all those dressed up New York b----s who stopped everything in the middle of the parking lot and frowned at me, watching my every crooked step with such pity on their painted up faces as if I was the one that was going to be buried that day! Oiy! Do they do that EVERY time they see a disabled person?!? Literally there must of been close to 20 people who stared as if I was an accident on the side of the road! I have never witnessed adults act so appalling, I couldnt get to the car fast enough for so many reasons.
lost in philly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Migraines, Asthma, Chronic Fatigue

Topamax, Morphine, Effexor, Abilify, Crestor, Resoril, Loestrin, Imitrex

B12, Magnesium, Melatonin, Omega3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing."


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 5/10/2009 5:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear "lost in philly": What the heck was ya doing in NY. Ya know ya better stay outta there. Anywho, I hope the person who passed was blessed by the passing. You know; the "really better off, not in so much pain" kinda blessed. I hope it isn't causing you grief, and if it is, may it pass by quickly. I usually don't drink, but when someone dear to me is taken, suddenly and tragically, I have a little shot of whatever is kicking around the house. I only attend funerals for people for whom I feel a need to grieve. My favorite foreman from when my Dad was in business, tragically took his own life, he couldn't face his wife's nagging about him not making enough money, and a couple of his kids were is serious trouble. Also, my grandmother, not so much to grieve but to honour her by writing and giving the eulogy. More perfunctory than anything else. I also go to the funerals on my ex's side of the family. For my kids, their relatives, as does he go to funerals on my side due to it being his children's (our children's) relatives. I don't go to funerals out of duty unless it's to help someone else make it through. So, those painted ladies; believe it or not, they were evaluating what had come over you, trying to figure out how to avoid it. My mother, from whom I'm frequently, estranged, on again, off again, I wasn't ever good enough, still ain't, but anyway, she has MS and uses a motorized wheelchair a lot. Like a quadrupalegic wheelchair. She says disabled people are "invisible". I have had several friends in wheelchairs and they say; " people look through you like you're not even there."  Were these gucci gals staring at you, or staring past you? I am personally getting ready to get a cane. I can no longer tolerate an "invisible disability". People don't believe me when I say, I have a "neuro-muscular disorder". Yeah, right - she's just too lazy to get out and make a living. People expect me to be able to lift, lug, tote, haul, push and pull, all which leaves me in terrible pain, for days. Yup, looking for a cane. Now you hold your head up, throw your shoulders back and ride that pony. When the painted ladies bank accounts drop below six digits, they'll be wishing they had your affliction, cause they ain't gonna make very good char women. Peace.

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 5/10/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
When I use my cane, I find that I put my other hand on my hip...I think I do that for better balance!
 
When they "ladies" were all staring at you, why didn't you smile and give a really big wave?  Now THAT would have made them feel sooo stupid!  Just smile, wave, and go on your way. 
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


pattipanda
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1014
   Posted 5/10/2009 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Philly..
 
First let me say I'm sorry for your loss.
 
Then, I had to make a comment on the NY B----s.  I'm orginally from NJ so I know what you're talking about.  OIY is right!!!
 
I started using a cane about a week ago.  Never used one before that.  But I finally had to give in when hubby and I were on a little vacation and were doing a lot of walking.  I couldn't believe the difference in the way people look at you.  Sheesh.  They even talk to you as if you can't hear then or don't understand them.  I will only use that danged thing if I absolutely need it.  So far no one at work has seen me use it and I hope they never do.  I can't imagine what they'll say and how I'll be treated.
 
Just had to put in my 2 cents and I agree with Sherrine on the wave thing.. except I don't know if I could do it with ALL of my fingers  devil  
 
Hugs for now.. 
Patti
 
Fibormyalgia, 4x Lyme Disease Survivor, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia, 2 Lumbar Disk Herniations, Allergies, Bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel, Psoriasis. 
Meds = Elavil, Tramadol, Xanax, Lipitor
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - author unknown


lost in philly
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/10/2009 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
LOL Patti about the wave!

I do try to take the "higher road" and keep my head up and smile even though all their looks and judgments make you want to crawl in a hole!

I am about to get a walker this week so THAT should be interesting. : ) Never a dull moment with fibro!
lost in philly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Migraines, Asthma, Chronic Fatigue

Topamax, Morphine, Effexor, Abilify, Crestor, Resoril, Loestrin, Imitrex

B12, Magnesium, Melatonin, Omega3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing."


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 5/10/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I ended up on this post by pure accident, trying to get into a post on the crohns forum. But, I wanted to reply because I might be able to give a different perspective. I never realized it before, but I am a bit of a starer. My parents and husband have at times asked me what I'm staring at, etc. And the real reason I am staring is because I am trying to decide if I should offer to help. I stared at a mom w/ multiple kids in the grocery aisle because she looked like she had her hands full and I was going to help unload her cart. But if she had it all under control, I didn't want to intrude. My mom has arthritis and occassionaly walks with a cane so I know she is totally capable of doing most things on her own. So I don't want to offer to help someone that doesn't want help or thinks it is pity, or likes being independent, etc. But at the same time, I wouldn't want someone walking with a cane to fall on ice, to drop their groceries, etc. I stare to see if I should help and when it would be a good time to step in. I don't stare to judge.
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night.  I take xanax prn for situational anxiety (aka no easy bathroom access). 


donnaeil
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 5/10/2009 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I use an electric wheelchair and often face pitying looks. Some of my friends know why I use it and realize I am fully capable of walking but, just feel a lot of pain.

I often find myself saying to people "Yes, I can walk." I realize that I am saying this to feel normalized, as healthy as everyone else.

I have had people tell me that I am doing myself harm by using the chair. They of course, are not around when I fall down staircases when walking.

One of the reactions to being disabled is we try to fake it. I know I have and have read several messages on other boards that say so.

I grew up in NYC and I understand the competitive atmosphere, however, living in smaller towns does not guarentee more polite people. In Seattle, parents never correct their children for staring. In fact, the adults look embarrased when they see me.

Having grown up discriminated due to my ethnicity, I notice that this is really no different than what I went through as an able bodied child. This could account for my determination to teach people that the handicapped are normal and deserving of respect. I gather that if I had not had my experience it would have been worse.

Though NYC was once known for being the melting pot, discrimination ran rampant when I was young. I was always fighting invisibility.

However, I went to NYC last spring. The people were so helpful and courteous that I was shocked. They actually saw me, how different from ny childhood.

Women seem so afraid of ahowing compassion and thier humanity in the Western world. This power hungry competitiveness pushes them towards faking super heroism. they think their status will last forever. when confronted with this I think, "Okay, let's give them 20 more years and then see how they behave." Even if one is never ill, growing older changes our bodies." Their day will come if they live long enough.

Donnaeil

lost in philly
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Donnaeil, I am always interested in your perspective b/c it has felt like where we have been coming from has been so similar. Now I hear you moved from the east coast to Seattle? lol 5 years ago I moved from Seattle to Philly! How funny. There is so much to love about Seattle! I would love for you to email me and tell me about your adventures/ misadvendures in my hometown if you would like. <----- rolleyes

From visiting and then moving out here, I believe (perhaps temporary, perhaps more permanently) NYC residents have changed for the better due to the whole 9/11 fiasco...people finally learned they couldnt live in this giant city, crammed together without helping each other...or at least being a little kind! We shall see if it lasts.

The whole "politically correct trend" across our nation is very interesting to me... and as a disabled, minority woman one that for the most part feels extremely fake and "Un-PC". But then again, I may just be jaded. Or at least that is what people have been telling me for years! smilewinkgrin
lost in philly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Migraines, Asthma, Chronic Fatigue

Topamax, Morphine, Effexor, Abilify, Crestor, Resoril, Loestrin, Imitrex

B12, Magnesium, Melatonin, Omega3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing."


lost in philly
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
hahahaha Oops...I didnt mean I was fake...or did I? I meant the "political correctness movement". hahaha Funny slip....
lost in philly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Migraines, Asthma, Chronic Fatigue

Topamax, Morphine, Effexor, Abilify, Crestor, Resoril, Loestrin, Imitrex

B12, Magnesium, Melatonin, Omega3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing."


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 5/11/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   
As a child, I was discriminated because of my weight.  I was "invisible" too and it hurts when you are young.  I remember that I had such a crush on one guy in high school and he didn't even acknowledge my existence,  and he knew who I was!  I ended up practically starving myself to death to lose some weight and I happened to run into him when we were in college.  All of a sudden he took a real interest in me.  Not fair, but I sure learned a lesson there!  (We dated and I dumped him!  Hehehe...Revenge is sweet!  devil )
 
I think, as we grow up, we gain in wisdom and see what is going on with some people.  Also, you learn to love yourself for who you are inside...the part that REALLY counts!  I, now, don't let that stuff bother me.  I'm an adult, have managed this far in life, have tried to live a good life and help people whenever given the opportunity.  So, I feel good about myself, even if I do have to use a cane sometimes or I turn down an invitation because I don't feel well.  I'm still a good person.  Anyone that wants to criticize me doesn't understand me and probably doesn't have a lick of compassion in them anyway.  It's those people I don't care what they think or how they act.  I've lived long enough to know what goes around comes around.  I've seen it too many times.
 
We do suffer with fibro but I think it makes us even more compassionate than the regular person and that is a plus, if you can have a plus, with fibro.  I know I would much rather be the person I am than be one of the thoughtless people some of you are talking about.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


honeybaby
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/14/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   

I know that no one knows me yet on this board. I have been a "lurker" for some time, but have not posted until now. I am 24, and a married women of one month!! turn

I wanted to respond to this post because the words from so many of you touched my heart today. It is sad when the world can't accept you for who you are, and many times we feel it is not fair.I just wanted to encourage each of you to always find the time to encourage others the way you do on this site. We have each been given the struggle of Fibro in addition to many other things, but as a community we can work together to help our fellow sufferers.  Let's take the time to thank God for giving us the ability to understand and feel for others, sick or not, and maybe even thank him for our Fibro because without it we might have never understood th struggles others go through. You have all been blessed with this special gift, and if we work together maybe we can make a difference one healthy person at a time!!


There is a time for all things under heaven...


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 5/14/2009 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Honeybaby, and welcome!  I'm so glad that you decided to join in!  You have come to a great group of people that love to help one another.  Plus, we really do care about each other, too. 
 
I do think that having an illness, any illness, makes most people more compassionate.  They will look at the heart and not the body of another person.  It is important to have a positive attitude to help you through the day and to thank God for all of your blessings.  I, personally, will not be thanking God for fibromyalgia because He didn't give it to me in the first place!  wink
 
If you haven't already, check out the Fibro 101 thread...the second thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibromyalgia that will help you understand fibro and help you deal with it. 
 
So, welcome, welcome, welcome!  I'm so glad you are here and I hope to hear more from you soon.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Statgeek
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 5/14/2009 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Philly,
I am sorry people were staring at you like that.  Being stared at is not fun, of course.  You are the same "you" as before, just with a difficulty in walking.
 
I have had that same response when I was using a wheelchair.  Who was it that said people talk louder because they think you cannot hear or understand them?  A friend has an electric wheelchair and she told me that people treat her like she is cognitively impaired.  I used the wheelchair before I got fibro.  I was involved in a dance for all bodies and abilities class and an advocate for people with disabilities.  I used the wheelchair one day all day on campus to get a better taste of some difficulties that people with disabilities have.  I also danced two hours with a blindfold on.  (a different day).  People suddenly started talking to me like I was deaf or stupid or a little child.  I got the little child treatment from my other mixed ability dance collegues.  They didn't realize they were doing it.
 
When I started using my cane, I got better treatment, mostly.  People treated me with more respect.  It helped me take care of myself because the disability was no longer invisible - if i sat down, I obviously had a reason. 
 
I have a comment or question about the pc stuff, too.  I have always been confused about what terms to use or whether to help or not (like fitzy).  I do research and have to ask nationality.  If I make a list for people to check off, do I put African American?  That is not right because not all people with black skin are from Africa.  Do you say Latino or Hispanic or Mexican American, etc?  What about white?  Is that a correct term?  I want to respect people and it gets so confusing.  I am native american and somebody said "Indian" and then gasped and looked at me to see my response.  I told him that I didn't care if he said Indian.  It is not that important.  Then if someone is in a wheelchair and I am standing up, I feel like I am looking down at the person.  Plus I don't say hello to every person I see on the sidewalk or the hallways at school (there are way too many people).  So if a disabled person walks or wheels by, do I say hello and seem strange for saying hello only to that person or do I ignore him or or her like I do most people and the person feels invisible. 
 
I could be wrong, but I think a lot of people are confused and maybe paralyzed by all of the changing rules and unsure of what to do.
Sue
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 3:24 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,407 posts in 301,114 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151254 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Amir5600.
223 Guest(s), 3 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
mg004f, Stetsonva, amybanks


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer