lack of support

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SallyNC
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/7/2009 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband is not very supportive. He is not the type of person I can talk to... I've tried. He doesnt want to hear about the pain etc... He is not a "talk about feelings" type person at all. So we dont. I know he loves me but I feel very unloved and all alone. I have for years and its not just my health, he is that way with everything except money. He will talk about making money all day.
 
Anyhow, I feel so isolated. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in. No one to hold me through the pain. I am so happy I have found this web site. I am also looking for a support group for some f2f meetings.
 
I am having one of the worse flair ups that I have ever had. I go back to the dr. tomorrow and I am praying he can help! Or send me to a dr that can!
 
 
Sally

Post Edited (SallyNC) : 6/7/2009 8:53:33 AM (GMT-6)


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17098
   Posted 6/7/2009 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   

HI, Sally, and welcome!  I'm so glad you found us and joined in!  My husband wasn't a talker either.  I think I became a pretty good mind reader over the years.  He couldn't handle my talking about pain, either.  I know he loved me but men can be sooo different than women in how they think and how they react.  So, I talked with a friend that did understand a little.

Over the years I found this site.  Now, we DO understand what you are talking about and we do give each other a lot of support.  You have come to a great place.  We have wonderful people that love to help one another and we really do care about each other, too.  I know you will like it here.

Be sure to check out the Fibro 101 thread...the second thread on the forum.  There are links to good information about fibromyalgia.  Some of it might come in handy to try to let your husband know what you are dealing with.  Use your judgement on that one.  I know my husband was always busy and not sure if he would have read things.  But, he did help me around the house and with the dinner dishes.  So, I'm not complaining about him.  

I'm so glad you are here.  Read back posts and ask questions.  We are here to help you.  I hope to hear more from you soon!

Sherrine 


Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 6/7/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sally and welcome to our family!!

I do know what you mean about a hubby who doesn't talk about what our needs or feelings are and like you said...not just the fibro. Sheesh.... I've tried everything but standing on my head in my birthday suit..Oh, dear...that might scare dogs and small children... but he's not talkin'! If does make you feel very alone. At least mine will talk about fibro now and then and he does have empathy and concern. But it's the other intimate stuff I wish he'd talk about more. What is it on the male gene that blocks their hearing and speech when it comes to feelings...lol

Anyway, you'll find the friendship and understanding here that will help get you through those tough times and when you are feeling not so bad you can return the favor and hold someone else up.

Do join us for our daily Koffee Klatch post. It's a small time each day when we post and chat about fun and frivolous things. Plus, this Thursday we are starting up a weekly evening chat for anyone who deals with Chronic Pain. Maybe after you get comfortable with the chats you can invite your hubby to join you at the computer one night. In the past we've had a night dedicated to our significant others and it was a great success.

Hugs and keep in touch,
Chutzie
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis and a few other side dishes.
***************
Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for."
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")


Southernlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 6/7/2009 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Sally, I'm so sorry about you and your hubby not having good communications.  My dh and I can talk about everything.  We probably both talk too much.
 
When I first found out that I had Fibro he was so understanding.  I think maybe because I push myself and try to keep on working he thinks less and less about my pains and tiredness.  I feel like if I mention it at all anymore he thinks I'm just complaining.  I try not to mention it at all.
 
Perhaps if you could just sit down and say, "we need to talk" he would listen to you.
 
I'm glad you've joined our forum.  You've come to a great place to complain or just vent.
 
I look forward to hearing from you more.
 
God Bless!
Shannon
Of all the things that I have lost, I miss my mind the most!!!!


Shash13
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 179
   Posted 6/7/2009 11:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sally and a warm welcome to you! I just mostly wanted to say hello and to echo the thoughts expressed by the ones who posted before me. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad right now, and I wish we could wave a magic wand to make the troubles go away..... since we can't do that, we'll be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to......... there's always someone around pretty soon after you post, so check back when you can if you don't get an immediate answer. We do care........
I'm putting my arms around you right now, so relax for a few minutes and know we are with you. You are getting lots of soft (((hugs)))............. You can have them whenever you want...........
Luv ya
Shash
Dx: FMS,OA,depression,anxiety,DDD with 7 herniations so far,HTN,IBS,cardiac
stent,failing aortic valve,angina,migraines with aura,many surgeries,+misc.
Rx: Nifedipine,Atenolol,Enalapril,Simvastatin,Levothyroxine,Cymbalta,Bupropion,
Dicyclomine,Lorazepam,Darvocet,Percocet,albuteral inhaler,nitroglycerin,+
( novice with computer - patience, please!)


vestabula
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2855
   Posted 6/8/2009 4:51 AM (GMT -7)   

Well...science states that most  men are left brained (logic) and women are basically right brained (emotion).  Maybe that's why fibro is typically a female disorder.  I just figure because there is nothing logical about Fibro and it really isn't something you can see (except for the insane yet commical results of The Fog and all the heating pads, bed buddies and pill bottles scattered around)  Hubby's don't 'get it'.  Now Leprosy...they could SEE that.  "here's you Leprosy cream, dear...anything else I can do for you today?"

I slammed my finger in steel door yesterday.  It is swollen to the size of an Italian sausage and completely black and blue.  Last night Hubby says..."Do you think it looks that bad because of your Fibro?" UM, no.  I slammed it in a steel door.  But the poor man is baffled by this disorder.  Maybe he was hinting that I slammed it in the door because I'm a fibro air head.

Sorry Sally, that you are feeling sad.  We all understand and care here.

Huggies

Donna


fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 6/8/2009 5:15 AM (GMT -7)   

It seems to be linked in some men's minds, to female hysteria, like the "monthlies", and having a baby. When I had my second, thirteen hours of labour, 2 weeks overdue, my husband started drinking brandy when the contractions started and by the time we got to the delivery room, he'd tried to sober up by drinking black coffee from a vending machine, got sick, insisted on the cot being brought in, laid down and all the doctor's and nurses were fussing over him. Not having male friends and intimates understand Fibro doesn't hurt as much, for me anyway, as having female friends and colleagues either ignor you when you bring it up, or just get that blank stare. Right. O.K. so if you ignore me I might stop bringing it up. Kinda like talking about incontinence, nobody wants to know.

That, is hard.


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 6/8/2009 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sally and welcome to our Fingertip family. It's a well known fact that men and women are wired differently. Men must have a few wires crossed. devil Sorry guys. I have a great husband but if I start talking about the pain or fatigue he says I need to go somewhere where they can help me like Mayo Clinic. In other words shut up and get the problem fixed, even though I have told him over and over there is no cure for fibro. If it can't be fixed he doesn't know what to say and I don't think he wants to hear about it. That is why this forum is a godsend. I knew no one with fibro til I found this forum going on two years ago, doesn't seem possible that it has been that long. I felt very alone too when it came to fibro. But now you have all the experiences of many people plus all the understanding you could want. We are here for you.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
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tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 6/8/2009 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Yup, I believe many men have the "just get it fixed"' mentality. My youngest son, who often lives with me, says, "all you do is sleep"' as if I am supposed to entertain him as well and feed, gas up his car, pay his insurance, (which I am no longer doing, by the way.) I responded, calmly, "well do you know why?" "You have some kind of disease!" Almost as if I went to the grocery store and picked up a box of salt. Like I could just go back, put it back on the shelf and, oh well, what the heck, I'd get arrested for "product tampering,". Somehow it is as if they (loved ones, friends, colleagues), think we somehow signed up for this like voter registration, and that we should just move to another district.
Personally I'm going out to eat an un organic, tampered with cow. See Ya.

NJ56Mom
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/8/2009 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am new here, but your post caught my eye.  I have EXACTLY the same  the same type of husband.  25 years of him not talking and NEVER listening to me.  I swear, when I open my mouth he turns off his brain.  I have a 21 yr. old son who does it too, but he is not living home at the moment.
 
I understand the loneliness, depression and feeling like your own husband (who is SUPPOSED to be supportive *in sickness and health*) doesn't care.  And telling them about it never does any good.  My husband always says *you're so negative* and I go right back at him with *you're so cold, uncaring and selfish.*
 
The one thing is that my husband does do a lot around the house and cleans and does shopping and dishes.  So at least I have that.
 
 
 

lettuce
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 78
   Posted 6/9/2009 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the forum.  It is wonderful to be able to talk to others who understand.  I don't have FM but we're in the middle of tryng to find a diagnosis for my 14 year old daughter.  I strongly suspect FM and came here recently for answers.  I too have a hubby that doesn't talk much.  I have come to the conclusion that some things are better discussed with girlfriends.  When the stress of our sick daughter gets to him he goes out to the garage or in the basement.  He did say it was because he feels so helpless.  I feel helpless too, but I strive forward constantly trying to find another doctor & answers.  He's ok with anything I come up with but offers no emotional support really.  You are not alone out there.  We are here for you. 

austin73
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 6/9/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I just posted about this very same thing a couple of weeks ago. My hubby is very cold, uncaring and selfish. He heard the doctor when he gave me the diagnosis of fibro and "what more do i need to know" is what he says. He doesn't respond to me when i tell him I am hurting or when I try to tell him anything about fibro. He just isn't interested in it. It's not about him so why should he care is his train of thought I guess. We kind of had it out last Friday and he said he would try to be better about it. He was for a couple of days but now he's back to the same selfish man he usually is.  I really only have my mom to talk to and she is very understanding.  I don't know what I would do without her. I was officially diagnosed only a few months ago so this is kind of new to me - not the pain mind you - but the diagnosis.  Some men just don't get it and never will I guess - I am still struggling to understand how this can be possible myself. I could never do that to somebody I love. confused

SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 6/9/2009 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband isn't supportive of you. I don't know what I would do if my husband wasn't supportive. Have you considered marriage counseling? I think it would be something to consider. If you want your marriage to work, then I think you need to consider it. I have been considering counseling for my marriage myself. It's not that my hubby and I don't have a good relationship, because we do. But, sometimes, I feel like we don't. Sometimes, he will ask me what is wrong, and I will tell him that I am in pain, and he will say something like, "Well why don't you do something about it?" That means, why don't I go take a pill. Sometimes, I just want him to be there and hold me instead of telling me to take a pill. So, I understand somewhat what you are dealing with. I am sorry I don't have more advice for you. I really think that couseling could help. Good luck to you.
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
 
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
 
 


WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 6/10/2009 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah ... my hubby is supportive when someone else (like my boss) is causing the problem. He's all for me writing my boss a nasty letter. But then it comes to the fact that I don't feel up to certain "bedroom activities" and I'm so sick I want to puke or am trembling or just need to lay down. That's when he starts to get kind of whiney ... when it gets in the way of his fun. His favorite phrase is "But you're ALWAYS tired, don't you care about me?"
I just about whacked him over the head and told him I wasn't going to even talk to him if he was going to ignore my bad spells.
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