Off topic-Don't know what to do..marriage problems..feeling awful...so stressed and sad.

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SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 6/18/2009 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I am a mess friends.

Today I found some text messages on the cell phone between my husband and a friend of his where my husband was expressing how attracted he had become to a woman he was working on a project with and how she had expressed definite interest in him and it was only because this friend told him "don't do it..the wife always knows...she'll feel you pull away from it...don't ruin your relationship over this" that he didn't sleep with her.

I don't know what to do. What to say. What to feel. I am emotionally devastated right now because my husband never said a word about any of this to me. I had to find it all out when I was cleaning out the phone.

I know he didn't actually sleep with her, but the fact that he WANTED to is really, really upsetting me. It's bringing up insecurity and anxiety in me so bad right now. I already struggle with feeling like the fat old fibro wife who is boring and in pain and no fun and doesn't want intimacy enough..and he has already been pretty emotionally distant from me in recent months and hasn't been talking to me much at all and I've expressed how I felt like I was last on his list, and he apologized and said he'd make more of an effort, but then he never did. Add to it the fact that I do all of the cleaning, most of the child care, I don't work, don't go out much, am so tired and in so much pain so much..and when I ask him to help me, he says "sure" but then he doesn't do it. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted and when I try to express that to him he just gets angry at me. And now I find out that he wanted to have an affair with another woman.

I don't even know what I'm saying...I am just upset and hurt and crying and need friends. What do I do with these feelings? I feel so much like just this...blob. A boring old fibro mess of a blob. No wonder he's been attracted to someone else, you know?

Help..please?
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 6/18/2009 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Danielle,
You are a beautiful woman. I know I have never seen you, but you have such a spark to you. You are intelligent, caring, funny, and just an all-out wonderful person. I really think you and your husband need to go to marriage counseling. A lot of the times, it is easier to speak more freely when there is a non-biased third party there to listen and intercede when necessary. You two need to do this, and it is in that setting that you need to confront him about what you discovered. If he refuses, then you still need to confront him about what you found. Don't just let him kick you around. If you are that unhappy, then you need to let him know. If he gets mad, then oh well. You shouldn't be afraid to speak out just because you are afraid of making him angry. It takes two people to make a marriage work.
I am so sorry that you are going through this honey. You don't deserve it. Your man needs to step up and be a man. He needs to be reminded that you two took vows...in sickness and in health and many other important vows. You can't help the way that you feel. You can't help it that you are sick. He needs to step up and do more around the house. You can't be expected to do everything around the house...cleaning, laundry, taking care of your kid(s).
I hate to say this...but if he refuses couseling, and won't talk to you, and he won't step up and be a better husband and father...then maybe you should consider a seperation. BUT, before even considering that step, try counseling, try talking. You can't just sit in silence about all of this. You obviously want the marriage to work, and at least some part of him must to because he didn't actually have the affair.
We are all here for you. Keep us posted, sweetie. We all care about you. Hang in there honey.
*soft hugs*
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
 
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
 
 


MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 955
   Posted 6/18/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
(((Danielle)))
I know you are hurting deeply but try to take a step back. Your husband chose YOU. He had a choice to make and he chose YOU. He could have just as easily taken his chances but he didn't. He obviously loves you. I'm not saying this is easy, but just try to view it from a different perspective...HE CHOSE YOU.

Believe me, I know what it is like to have low self esteem. It doesn't take much to make us feel worthless, unattractive, whatever. I really believe your husband loves you very much.

I agree with Sassy, about the counseling. I think every marriage could benefit from having a non-biased third party to sit in and mediate.

In the meantime, know we are here for you and sending you warm, gentle hugs. I am so sorry this happened and you are hurting so much,
Miriam

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.


Stari
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 235
   Posted 6/18/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Just curious have you confronted your husband or the other woman? Have you checked to see if he has been calling her on his cell or emailing her?

SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 6/18/2009 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, yes. I confronted him right away. The texts weren't between him and this woman, they were between him and his friend, with him asking this friend for advice on what to do about the woman. His basic response was..well, he didn't actually sleep with her, so see-he didn't do anything wrong. Ok, yes I get that. But I am still hurt! He was seriously considering it! So much that he needed to ask for advice! That in and of itself is very hurtful, especially when I am here feeling so not attractive in any way as it is.

I am of course happy that he didn't sleep with her..but what happens next time? I just feel like this is a warning that we need to work on the marriage or bad things will happen down the road. Part of the problem, though, is that we're getting to the point where we seem to want totally different things in life. He is working towards and MBA..wants to run companies and make a bunch of money and live in a big fancy house and drive fancy cars and have the best of everything, whereas I am content with just basic financial security. He said to me tonight that the reason he's been pulling away from me emotionally is that he wants to "prepare" me for the days when he's got his high powered career and is never home. What do I do with that?? He seems to think that if he makes a ton of money and makes my life financially very comfortable, then that should be enough for me. If he thinks that about me, then it is obvious that he does not know me at ALL because I am not a materialistic person at all. Yes, I want comfort and some help around the house would be awesome, but I also want to be with HIM, not alone and lonely in some giant house.

I told him we need counseling. He said "yeah, we do"...but then went on with the excuses. How do we pay for it? Where do we find the time? Who do we talk to?

I am just really afraid that he doesn't really WANT to be married with kids living a middle class comfortable life. I think he wants the flash and money and power and...where on earth does a frumpy overweight mother of 3 like me fit into THAT scenario???

I just need prayers, I think. Prayers and good thoughts. I am praying for guidance and direction and peace here myself and could use all the other good thoughts I can get.

I do appreciate your words SO MUCH. Miriam, I am trying to remind myself that he chose me...I am just worrying that he won't always choose me.

Sassy, wow. Your post made me cry. Thank you so so so SO much for those very kind words. I appreciate it more then I could ever express.

Stari-well, that's part of the problem here. He DOES call and email her because the two of them are working very closely with each other putting together a business mentor program at the college we go to. So..yeah. He's in contact with her and has meetings with her once or twice a month. I don't know what to do with that, either. I don't want him to not be successful with this project, but I feel very uneasy with him working so closely with this woman. Especially since, as he said, she's "Very overly friendly" with him...which to me means she has no respect for our marriage. She also puffs up his ego and tells him how great/smart/driven/ he is..and she's childless and doesn't have fibro and from what he's said about her, very personable and funny and likeable. And SHE is interested in HIM. Woman like that..well, let's just say they are dangerous.

That's another thing. When this project first started up, he talked about this woman A LOT. And now I feel so stupid because the experts always say that's the first warning sign.

I don't know..like I said..prayers and good thoughts, please?

Thank you all again for listening. I will keep you all posted on how things go...

Thanks again. Love and hugs to you.
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


noklu
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 6/18/2009 10:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I may be new to this forum, but I sure know where you are coming from. I don't know why we let ourselves think the worst about us. I sometimes think I'm not worth all the trouble. Then on my good days, I remember. I am worth it. Take a step back and remember all the good things. And always remember you are worth it. You are in my prayers.
noklu
 
anxiety, avascular necrosis, depression, cfs, fibromyalgia, gerd, thyroid, uc 


Shash13
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 179
   Posted 6/18/2009 10:46 PM (GMT -7)   
shakehead Dear gorgeous Danielle -- there is a laundry basket (only thing I had big enough) full of prayers and good thoughts headed your way. wink I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, but you can do it -- I know you can. And, you're not alone -- we are with you and we care about you and we'll be here for you every step of the way. You've already gotten some good advice, but I just wanted to add my support, too. I'm putting my arms around you right now -- very gently of course -- maybe you can feel it just a little..........a warm hug just for you............
Please let us know how you are doing -- you're FaMily, you know..........
(((hugs)))
Luv ya
Shash
Dx: FMS,OA,depression,anxiety,DDD with 7 herniations so far,HTN,IBS,cardiac
stent,failing aortic valve,angina,migraines with aura,many surgeries,+misc.
Rx: Nifedipine,Atenolol,Enalapril,Simvastatin,Levothyroxine,Cymbalta,Bupropion,
Dicyclomine,Lorazepam,Darvocet,Percocet,albuteral inhaler,nitroglycerin,+
( novice with computer - patience, please!)


lost in philly
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 6/19/2009 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Linda. This is the time to be strong, not to show your husband your weak side (show that to us here!) You also need to tell him what you will and will not accept about him working with that woman (e.g. meet at a public location NOT her home, meet during the day not at night etc) You may feel powerless, but that is not so! You have his children, a ring on your finger and he made vows to you...you deserve to be treated with much more respect than he has shown you!
BTW--I went through something very similar a few months ago, when I was newly Dx. I do believe this behavior can also be a reaction to being afraid and once you can talk about everything more openly...maybe he wont need to act out his feelings instead of talking to you.
If you have a church that you go to, sometimes the pastor will counsel you for free if money is tight?
Good luck, be strong!
lost in philly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Migraines, Asthma, Chronic Fatigue

Savella, Topamax, Morphine, Percocet, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Crestor, Resoril, Loestrin, Imitrex

B12, Magnesium, Melatonin, Omega3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing."


Sonia96
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/19/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   

I am new to this board as of today, but not to fibromyalgia. I am 99 percent sure that is what I have. I cannot for the life of me find a doctor who will diagnose me though. They just keep saying it is all in my head. But anywho, I know EXACTLY what you are going through Danielle. Here is my familiar story. Hubby and I married right after i graduated high school. We had a son right away. We did not plan this though. He resented me for this. All my life I had severe allergies to things such as grass and animals. about 10 years ago it turned into asthma problems. This made me less active and I developed GERD due to gaining excess weight. about 10 years ago I found where a girl I went to school had for some reason started calling him on his cell phone. (Thank God for reverse phone number look up services). I knew he had no good reasons for calling her. He didn't know her from school. She has started working with him and he did not tell me. Well, I confronted him and he acted like he had no idea why her # was on his cell phone recent calls list. I prayed for God to lead me to the truth. A few days later her husband called me and told me he wanted to know what was going on also. Well, the crap hit the fan here. I let him have it. I'm pretty sure nothing happened between them other than expressing their desires to be together, since me and her husband treated them so awful as each had told the other. I threatened to leave with full intent to do so but decided to give it a chance for our son's sake. Things improved about 75 percent but I developed IBS and anxiety on top of the asthma and GERD problems. The last five years or so I have what I'm almost sure is fibromyalgia. It is so hard for me to do just the simpliset day to day chores. Well, a couple of years ago, here we go again. I found text messages on his cell phone to another girl he comes in contact with at work. He said I had become so lazy and did not seem to care for him anymore he had to have a new *friend* to talk to. LAZY is what he calls me for having fibro pain where I cannot do anything some days. Well, I took my share of our money and opened a checking account/savings account in another bank. I started looking for a job and an apartment for me and my son. He cired and begged me not to go. So here I sit. How do you ever trust them again? You don't really. You just have to decide to play dumb until things fall into your lap again I guess then decide do I want to stay or leave again? Is it really worth it? To me I guess so far it has been. Or been the easiet choice so far. I am in too much pain constantly to do much more than just lie here. Can someone out there tell what it takes for a doctor to find out for sure you do have fibro? I have go to have some pain relief here. I have found Lortab helps me alot, but gives me worsened GERD symptoms. Please send me advice before I decide to never get out of bed again.

Sonia


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 6/19/2009 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Danielle, Linda and Miriam have basically said what I would be saying.  He was attracted to this person but that's all the further it went.  He had a choice and he chose you.  It would have been very easy for him to head the other direction, but he didn't.  He knew he needed some help and turned to his friend to get back on an even keel.  If he truly wanted to be with that woman, he would have and would never have spoken to his friend.  
 
Unfortunately, there are many women in the workplace that don't hesitate to flirt with married men.  It's terribly wrong but it happens all of the time.  I'm glad your husband had enough morals to not take this any further.  He probably learned a good lesson here.  He doesn't want to lose you and his family.  He doesn't want to break up what he obviously loves.  He had the opportunity and he turned it down.  
 
Danielle, don't blame yourself.  You have done nothing wrong.  You are there for your husband, you take good care of his children, and you take care of the home.  AND you have done this while in pain.  Why?  Because you love your husband and your family.  He knows this, too.  He also knows that this woman, who would have loved him to cheat on his wife, can't hold a candle to you.  If he didn't believe that he would have caved in to his hormones...and, believe me, that's all it would have been...hormones and not love.
 
It will take time to trust him completely again but it is possible.  Linda was able to do that and you will too.  Let him know how disappointed you were BUT you still love him and want this family to stay together.  If you both make the effort, you will be dancing together at your 50th anniversary party.
 
Sherrine        
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 6/19/2009 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Danielle I'm so sorry you have this added stress on top of everything else. You have been given some great advice from those that have dealt with the same thing. You may have fibro but that doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever he dishes out.
 
I mentioned in a post on the thread about "can't stand my pants on" the other day how I feel like a frumpy housewife and wonder what my DH thinks when he comes home every night to this person that is so far from being the person I use to be. My husband is out there in the world every day dealing with women that don't look tired from having pain everyday and have energy to do their hair and makeup every morning and haven't lost their figure from not being able to exercise enough. I can't control what he does, all I can do is hope and pray that he loves me enough and believes in the vows we took enough to not think about other women. I do know one thing and I think he knows me well enough to know it too, since I have voiced it since day one, that I have 0 tolerance for any kind of cheating whether it be on the phone, computer or whatever, no second chances here.
 
Welcome to the family Sonia and noklu.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
 
 
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
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vestabula
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2855
   Posted 6/19/2009 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Ditto, ditto, ditto.  All of us with fibro have been confronted with what you are going through with spouses, friends, family.  It is such an insidious disorder that others cannot begin to understand.  You are an intelligent, strong and loving person and just because your husband thought the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence does not negate your worth.  It is never is greener, by the way.  I am sure you two can work this out because how can he not love you like we all do??
Talk, talk talk and I know you can get through this.
 
Huggies
Donna
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium


Stari
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 235
   Posted 6/19/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
It appears that at some time or another many of us had dealt with spouses that have gone outside the marriage for sex or emotional support.

Don't make any rash decision just pray for guidance.

Group Hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DX:  Asthma   Fibromyalgia   Partially Blind


SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 6/19/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Danielle,
Do you go to church? If so, I would talk with your pastor about marriage counseling. A lot of churches will do sessions for free. Do you have insurance? If so, and it covers psychiatric care, you could get into a regular therapist, have some single sessions, then have your hubby come in for some for the two of you. Then, insurance would cover it and you would only have a small co=-pay if you have that type of insurance. There are a lot of options available to you, so don't let his "worrying about the cost" keep you from getting you two the couseling that you need.
Also, remember that you need to be active in this marriage when it comes to telling him how you are feeling. Don't sit in the backseat and let him do all the driving. Let him know that you don't need to be "rich" to be happy. Tell him that you are comfortable just being financially stable. What you need is HIM. Tell him that. I know you have at least one child, so what I am going to propose to you might be a little difficult, but it is possible if you work it out. Try to schedule one night a week for the two of you. Maybe it could be after your kid(s) go to bed. Have dinner. Watch a movie. Play a game. Talk. Just have a night where the two of you can spend quality time together. This may also help to remind him that quality time doesn't mean sex. It means the two of you spending time together in a lot of different ways.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this, sweetie. Try not to let it get you down. Stand up, brush yourself off, and stand up for yourself. Don't be pushed around. Don't let him do all the decision making. And let him know that you need his help around the house.
I think that you need some time for just YOU. No one else. Just you. I think you need to plan one day with your hubby where he watches the kid(s), and you do something for you. Even if it is just taking a long bubble bath or taking a nap, or whatever it is that makes you feel good. You need to take care of you. You can't take care of everyone else if you can't take care of yourself.
Anyways. Good luck to you. Keep us all posted on what is going on. My prayers go out to you.
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
 
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
 
 


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 6/19/2009 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi dear FMily,

Just wanted to let you guys know the update on things here with me.

Hubby and I had a long talk both last night and today..and I also talked to the friend he was texting (he is a mutual friend of both of ours and also a Pastor, so I do trust him)..This is the story as they both explained it:

Hubby has been working with this woman (S) on a project for college. S has been VERY friendly towards hubby, but he didn't think much of it until the idea came up of them going to California for an FBLA conference. Hubby got very concerned, because he knew that S was interested in him. Although he didn't feel much interest in her other then mild passing attraction, he was very worried about being alone with her. As he said sometimes men do very very stupid things when they are far away from their wives and he did not want to be one of those men..so he called our friend D for advice on both a friendship and Pastoral/Spiritual level. D told my hubby that he had been through the exact same thing with a woman he worked with, only he let himself get too caught up with it. Not all the way caught up, if you know what I mean...but still. D let himself be too flattered and too interested and that caused him to pull away from his wife. D was basically advising my hubby-Don't do it! Which explains the text messages that I found, which said "Stay away. A stiff (I won't write the word) has no conscience. If you go too far, your wife will feel you pull away and she won't know why and a wife can always tell. Besides, a career is not worth jeopardizing your marriage and your family for"

Knowing all of this, I do feel better...I have to admit I just saw those two texts of D's and automatically assumed something bad, bad, bad..especially since hubby and I have been having some communication issues lately. But know that I know the whole story, I feel peace. Yes, I do wish he had come to me about this, but as he stated, if he'd told me that S was flirting with him and he was concerned, then I would have flipped out (which I would have...) I don't agree with the idea that he shouldn't have told me, but I can see where he's coming from.

Although I am not thrilled this happened between us, I do think it will work to our benefit in the long run. We talked a long long time about our communication issues and some other tensions we've had in the relationship..and we both realized that we have BOTH been taking each other for granted (I have to admit I am guilty of this). We talked more about counseling, and even did some calling around, but the only official marriage counselor in our county is 45 minutes away. So, we went ahead and ordered some marriage communication books ("Communication Miracles for Couples" and "The Five Languages of Love") and have made a vow to go through both books together. If it turns out that is not enough, we will then go the counseling route.

I also had to admit to him that my feelings of inadequacy have really been causing problems..I feel so...pointless, you know? The fibro kicks my behind and I feel useless and completely unattractive. I didn't have the world's greatest self-esteem to begin with, but since fibro, it's gotten so much worse. Because of my feelings, I pull away from my husband, afraid he will reject me..afraid he doesn't love me..afraid he's not attracted to me. But as many of you said, he DID choose me..and he is still choosing me. Even though this woman came along and puffed up his ego and flirted with him, he sought help before he did something stupid. That has to stand for something, doesn't it?

So even though I know we have a lot of work to do-and I have a lot of work to do on my own-after talking with him and talking with D and praying a WHOLE lot, I realize that my marriage is way too important to me to let something like this mess it up. I love my husband very much, and if this can get us doing the work we need to do to bring us closer together, then it is totally worth it.

Thank you all again so very much for being here for me. You are all so wonderful and I am so thankful to have you here to help me navigate the crazy world of fibro!!!

{{{{hugs}}}}
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 6/19/2009 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh-and I forgot. As for the whole making a ton of money for me thing...he told me how sorry he was for making me feel bad about this. As he said, he wants me to be totally and completely financially secure so that I can have help..he doesn't want me to ever have to lift a finger so that I don't wear myself out. He also doesn't want me to have to work if I can't and he wants to provide well for our kids. Although I think he was getting some wrong ideas (and I know he got these ideas from his uncle, who makes $500,000 a year, but has NO relationship with his wife and thinks that's totally ok) I do know his heart was in the right place. It's just another thing we have to work on..and I am sure we will when we get to that point. I think that the issue with this, like everything else, isn't so much that we have differing opinions, but that we don't know how to talk about our differing opinions in an open, honest, respectful way. Too often we end up fighting about these things even though neither one of us actually start out mad..we just don't know how to communicate well. (neither of us had very good teachers in that department growing up)

I also know..I need to work on finding myself. I feel like I have no identity other then being his wife, their mother, and a fibromite. Where's the me underneath all of that? So Sassy, you're right again there. I need to take better care of myself!

I also let him know with no ifs ands or butts that when I ask him to do something to help me, I NEED him to do it! I wouldn't ask if I didn't! I also told him that every time I ask him to help and he doesn't do it, I feel really unimportant to him. I am not sure what will happen there, but today he DID put all of his dishes in the dishwasher without me asking and he put away his shoes without me asking and he put his dirty clothes in the hamper without me asking..I have to admit that was super nice!!! So....I will just pray that he continues to truly listen and do his part, and if he falls back into his old ways, maybe I'll go on strike or something.
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


Irish Babe
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1371
   Posted 6/20/2009 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Danielle,  I'm so glad you and your husband are talking and listening. I had a lot of the same thing going on in my house growing up, ppl didn't discuss things. Things were allowed to fester till they blew up. When I was first married, we had a tough time trying to communicate. I would stew in my own juices and so would my husband. We were married less than a yr and wondering if we made a mistake. I called a priest in our church who said he could squeeze us in in about 3 months. Mercifully, that jerk left our parish. I then called a woman we knew who ran the Pre Cana meetings before we got married. She and her husband invited us over to help us sort things out and help us to learn how to talk to each other. They suggested we go to a Marriage Encounter weekend. We did and they also helped us w/ some techniques to talk to each other w/o blaming or confrontational attitude.

Our friends didn't charge us anything and the ME weekend only asks a donation of what you can afford. It is hard to 'un'learn a lifetime of non communicating, but the rewards are tremendous.  

This may sound silly but I'm serious. Make a list of all the good things you 'are'. All the things you admire in other ppl. You are compassionate, sharing, welcoming, funny, friendly, smart, empathetic, etc. You don't give yourself enough credit for all that you are, all that you share here w/ your family and friends. Try to look at you the way we see you, you will find a very nice person.
 
I wish you the very best.
 
God bless.  Alice.

SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 6/20/2009 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I am soooo happy to hear the good news. It just really made me really happy to know that the two of you are working through things together and that what happened was mainly a big misunderstanding. I am just so happy for you.
I will say that I know how you feel when it comes to the whole self-esteem thing. I have had self-esteem issues my whole life, and this fibro thing has only made matters worse. I also know what you mean about finding yourself. I don't really know who I am either. I know I am my husband's wife. I know I am my son's mother. I know I am a fibromite. But who am I under all of that? Who is the real ME? I feel like I have lost a lot of myself ever since the fibro came on really strong. So, I understand what you are going through there.
I am so happy that you are working things out with your husband. Communication really is important. Sometimes, my husband and I will fight just because neither of us can communicate correctly sometime. It happens in every marriage.
I am glad that your hubby is helping you more around the house. I hope that keeps up. I am glad that you stood up for yourself in that one. Keep us updated.
 
*soft hugs*
'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
 
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
 
 


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 6/21/2009 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so happy that you two were able to communicate and discuss it all. Sometimes it's what is not said that is more important than what is said.
 
You know our hubbies don't always see us as we do, for example, yesterday morning I got ready for our cookout for Father's Day and took time to put makeup on and do my hair. Hubby comes into the bathroom to take his shower and I said, "look I even put makeup on today", his reply was, "I don't like makeup". Okay I know he use to complain all the time cause I wouldn't leave the house without makeup on and my hair done but I was still surprised by his comment. So I say, "it doesn't bother you to come home to a frumpy old housewife every night"??? He says, "what are you talking about".  He doesn't even notice what I look like when he comes home it's all me, I'm not happy with the way I look. Granted we are old and have been together forever.
 
Maybe you can set a few minutes aside each day for each other and to talk about your days.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
 
 
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium and Osteoarthritis
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches and Tramadol
 
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SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 6/21/2009 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
That's a great suggestion, Marlee. Taking time each day to just talk about your days and stuff like that is a great way to help open the communication channels. My hubby and I will have been married two years come this November. He notices when I put makeup on, but he says I am beautiful with or without it. I think that is sweet, even though I don't believe it. LOL.

'Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend til you break
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up
decide you've had enough.
You get mad.
You get strong.
Wipe your hands
shake it off.
Then you stand.
 
-"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
 
 

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