new disturbing info from my mother

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MrsCavbar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 6/19/2009 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
My mother was hospitalized a few wks ago, due to chest pain, which was found to be caused by stress. After she was released, she told me she didn't tell the dr treating her about my medical problems, which as a nurse, I'd have thought she's know that not just her parent's health problems but her daughter's health problems would be important for her doctor to know. Right now, I am a bit upset with her over this, but not speaking to her because after she told me all of this, she also revealed that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was 4 months along, and during those first four months, she was into the drug scene, so much so that she was putting cocaine in Visine bottles, so that she would get a stronger high as that it would go straight to the brain. The fact that she hid this from me for 27 yrs, even after my health started deteriorating is very hurtful, not to mention the fact that it could be the reason why I have so many medical conditions, even after she says she thinks I'd had fibro since I was a small child, complaining of pain and tiredness at even 4 years old. Though now I think the reason she's given me a house and a vehicle are because of guilt from the drugs she did when pregnant with me. I must say though, after she found out she was pregnant, she stopped the drugs, put herself through college and worked full-time as a nurse to support us, even going back to the wife beating pedophile who was my sperm donor, so that I could have a father. When she told me about the drugs, I was upset, going so far as to throw that... 'thing' (referring to my father) in her face, asking her to do me no more favors, the next one may very well kill me.
Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to move on, to repair this relationship with her, knowing that she has done what she could, when she could, but it still hurts so much, the mistakes she's made. I am trying very hard to forgive her, she didn't know she was pregnant, she stopped when she found out, but I wonder if it could be the cause of my heart problems, my female problems, my muscular and skeleletal problems and most definetely my mental problems.

Sry, guys, just needing to vent, I tried talking to my hubby about it, but as soon as he heard what she had done, he could not move past the 'how could she' to how it's affecting my life and our life today.
Lola

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

My train of thought derailed long ago, now I take the bus, few more stops, but I eventually get there.

FM, costocontritis, wide spread arthritis, fibroid tumors, PTSD, 2 heart attacks at 22, PID


Flexeril 30mg, Celexa 50mg, Despiramine 50mg, Acetometaphen 500mg, Calming Sleep herbal suppliment, ActivOn topical pain relief, Melatonin 300mg, B-complex, Diclofenac 75mg, tramadol 50mg


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 6/19/2009 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lola,

I can understand how this is affecting your life but take a few minutes to consider a few things...

I do understand what you are going through. My birth mother lived for alcohol and parties. When I was conceived it is my understanding that the partying didn't stop. She never saw me when I was born as she had already signed papers to give me up. It wasn't until over 40 years later that I met her face to face. Seems she never changed much and her body was failing fast. about the time I hit 40 my body started to fall apart...diabetes, UC, fibro, and on and on. So as you can see I do understand.

Now, let's look at your mother. She was a party girl and a user. She had no plans of getting pregnant...neither did my mother. She had no thoughts of you, it's how her life was. This had nothing whatsoever to do with her caring and concern for you in the future. Then she discovered she was pregnant and she immediately changed her habits..FOR YOU. I'd say that was very special and loving. Why are you angry with her now? What can you gain from the anger?

And about your sperm donor father... what other option did she have? Being a single mom? That wasn't acceptable back when you were born. Women didn't have the support or advantages that women have today. She was frightened and her concern was for you to have a father. I can see why you may be angry at her for not protecting you from him but what good does it do to blame her now? Are you angry because your body has a lot of health issues? I sure can see why you would be. I often think of my birth mother when I am in so much pain but it does me no good to get worked up over it and blame her. All it does is make me hurt more.

Your mother did the best she thought she could at the time. No, her decisions were not the best but neither you nor I were there. It must have been very lonely and difficult. At least she educated herself and supported you. My mother chickened out and gave me away. Then she went back to her partying. I had to walk away from my birth mother once I met her. She was destructive to my well being. Looking backwards is a waste of time because you miss what is happening right now. Put a smile on your beautiful face, be thankful you weren't 'terminated' and let's you and I get on with our lives...OK?

I know some of this is tough to hear but it's said in love!
Chutzie
Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums ~~~
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, PTSD, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteoarthritis, collapsed disk, and a few other side dishes.

(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
George Burns


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17096
   Posted 6/19/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Lola, she could have aborted you and gone on doing what she was doing but instead she loved you enough to give you life, quit the drugs, get an education, and raise you properly.  She put up with, as you called him, the sperm donor, too.  She has loved you intensely since before you were born!
 
People make mistakes but it's what they do about the mistakes that counts.  She straightened out her life for the sake of her child.  She needs a pat on the back.
 
My mother was little Miss Goody Two-Shoes.  She did smoke for many years, but never drank or did drugs.  She was extremely healthy and an acrobatic and tap dancer.  She was married to my father, who never drank or smoked or did drugs, when she became pregnant with me.  But, Lola, I have fibromyalgia, costochondritis,  Crohn's disease, diabetes, scoliosis, osteoporosis, auto immune inner ear disease and need to read lips to understand speech, and I have recently been diagnosed with glaucoma.  That's just life.  And, even though I have these problems, I have had a wonderful life and would want to do it all over again, with these illness if I had to! 
 
Blaming your Mom is a waste of energy.  It won't change a thing and you will live to regret that.  She loves you very much, Lola.  You were a surprise to her and she would never do anything to hurt you intentionally.  Also, no one can prove that the drugs caused the problems.  Genetics do play a part and you probably don't know the family history of the "sperm donor" either...or even further on down the line.  But that STILL doesn't answer all the questions.  In my family, we had members that had diabetes and fibromyalgia but none of the other things that I have wrong with me.  I'll never know why I have these health problems but these things have helped form me and have made me a stronger personality.
 
You need to live for today and make the best of each day.  Forgive your Mom.  Remember, she didn't expect you.  Love her, too.  She won't be here forever.  My Mom died nine years ago and I still miss her terribly.  So, enjoy the time you two have together.
 
Sherrine
 
 


Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

Post Edited (Sherrine) : 6/19/2009 1:24:10 PM (GMT-6)


MrsCavbar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 6/19/2009 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I know I know, I need to let go of the anger towards my mother, she's done the best she can for me. I don't blame her for my health problems, but I'm 27 and the why of it keeps me awake at night sometimes and most of the time I chalk it up to God's will and live as best I can. I love and respect my mother for all that she's done, don't get me wrong, but I had thought we were at a point where the secrets were gone, I mean, I know the how and where and why I was concieved... LOL and she knows the how and why and where my son was concieved, but enough on that Jerry Springer episode. Gotta say, we've been through a lot together and we're very close, it's not so much the fact that she did what she did, it's that she kept it from me. After my father left and everything came out, Mom and I had to rebuild our relationship on trust and honesty, even if it's something the other may prefer not to know.
Sometimes, I forget my mother is merely human, she's my rock, she's not supposed to make mistakes, not supposed to forget or keep secrets nor is she supposed to fall apart, that's my job and she has always helped me put myself back together.

TY guys, you've helped me put things into perspective and stop and think.

Love and hugs,
Lola

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

My train of thought derailed long ago, now I take the bus, few more stops, but I eventually get there.

FM, costocontritis, wide spread arthritis, fibroid tumors, PTSD, 2 heart attacks at 22, PID


Flexeril 30mg, Celexa 50mg, Despiramine 50mg, Acetometaphen 500mg, Calming Sleep herbal suppliment, ActivOn topical pain relief, Melatonin 300mg, B-complex, Diclofenac 75mg, tramadol 50mg


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17096
   Posted 6/19/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Lola, she might have been afraid of your reaction so she kept it a secret all that time.  My Mom and I were very close and shared most everything but I didn't tell Mom EVERYTHING and I'm sure she didn't tell me everything either.  It wasn't necessary.  But the one thing we didn't keep secret is that we loved each other very much.  Sounds like that's what you have with your Mom. 

Just give it up.  You won't be able to figure it out and it will drive you bonkers.  That was the past and you now need to look to today and the future.  You are so fortunate to have each other.

Sherrine


Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7

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