Off topic: A little rant about my in laws

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SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 7/4/2009 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everybody,

I hope you are all having a good 4th! You're all probably out having a great time and that's awesome! So...sorry, but I need to vent here for a minute.

A little background-I have never had a particularly good relationship with my in-laws, mother in law especially. In fact, when my hubby and I first got together, they were downright horrible to me. MIL used to refuse to speak to me at all-I do mean refuse-I would walk into the room, and she would glare at me, then turn and walk out. Then when I got pregnant with our first son very early on in our relationship, she accused me of lying and was convinced that I was pregnant with someone else's baby and was just trying to pin it on her son. Of course, that was absolutely b.s., but she would call my hubby every day and talk about what a liar I was and I couldn't be trusted and I wasn't a good person, etc. etc. These calls always ended up with hubby getting pissed off and yelling at her and eventually hanging up on her. Once our son was born and gee, surprise surprise, came out looking JUST like my hubby, she cooled off on that one, but then she moved on to doing things like telling my hubby he should leave me because I didn't take good enough care of him etc. She even went so far as to get me fired from my job (loooong story) AND at one point where hubby lost his job and we were so broke that his parents let us stay there (NOT what I wanted to do, but we didn't feel we had any choice at the time), she ended up telling me that me and my daughter from a previous relationship had to move out, but that my hubby and our son could stay there since "they belonged with them"..Well, that was the last straw for me and my hubby (I keep calling him my hubby because he is my hubby now, but we were not yet married at this time) and we took off and stayed with my father in his itty bitty one bedroom apartment for awhile. A few days after we moved out, though, MIL called social service on us and told them we were so poor we couldn't afford baby food (which was a lie-we were both working part time by this point and she knew it. Also, we ground up fresh food for our baby because we thought it was healthier and she knew that too, she just used it against us) She also told social services that I was a horrible mother because my daughter was overweight and I wasn't doing anything about it-also another lie. I had taken my daughter to see every specialist under the sun about her weight and she knew that, too. Of course, social services was able to come and find out that none of her accusations were true, but it was still so horribly embarrassing and stressful to go through. We knew we had to get away and ended up moving away and not speaking to them for over a year.

Well, then my brother in law was graduating, and my hubby really wanted to be there for that, so we came down and we all sort of made a tentative peace. We were all civil to each other, is what I mean. Shortly after that, I got pregnant with our second son. When hubby called to tell his parents, they seemed really happy and were very nice and they actually ended up offering to pay for us to get married. (we wanted to get married, but were still pretty broke at the time and couldn't afford it) We took that to be like a peace offering, and so we accepted their offer.

It's been 5 years now since we got married and although I have to say my in laws have gotten a little better-mil no longer says nasty things about me, we can be together in the same room without everything turning to ice, etc-my in laws have NEVER apologized to me for the things they said about me (well, my fil never said these horrible things to me, but he also never stuck up for me and told his wife to shut the heck up) and just pretend none of it ever happened. I still know mil doesn't like me much because she doesn't talk to me very much at all-she will only call when she knows hubby is home and when we go over there, she doesn't really pay much attention to me-and I have to admit that even though I have tried to let go of things from the past, it still hurts me. I never did anything to those people except fall in love with their son, and yet I still feel like I will never be good enough for them no matter what I do.

The reason I bring this up (sorry it took me so long to get here!) is because today is the 4th, obviously, and my hubby is working a 12 hour shift and so is gone all day. MIL called up this morning to see if she could take our sons to a party, and she didn't even ask if I wanted to go. (even though the party is at the house of people I have known for years now) It's like, she didn't even consider me at all. She does stuff like this all the time-it's like I don't even exist in her eyes. She will do things like call my hubby 3 or 4 times a day and talk for 20-30 minutes each time and ask him to come over for beer after he gets off work and asks him to do this, that, and the other thing for them all the time..all of which makes me feel like she doesn't consider the fact that he is MARRIED now with a family of his own. It's like he's still HER son and she gets first dibs on him all of the time (it's so bad that she still calls my hubby and his brother "the boys" like they are 10 years old or something)

Also, she goes on and on about how much my sons look like this person in their family or act like this person in their family and totally refused to acknowledge that I am their parent too and as such, they might take after MY family a little bit!!!

Anyway, so yeah. They've taken my boys off for the afternoon and my daughter is out with friends and hubby is at work all day, so I'm all alone and even though I LOVE the peace and quiet, haha, I'm just like..wow. Why didn't they even think to invite me along?

I guess I am just really tired of not being good enough for them, no matter what I do. I mean-I am a good person! I take good care of our home and my hubby and our kids and I love them all so much and I am smart and good and kind, but yet they just can't seem to fully accept me no matter what. It's really kind of depressing. sad

Oh, and this is sort of off my subject here, but last night hubby was chatting with some old high school friends on Facebook and found out that there were lots of girls in high school who wanted to date him, but knew to stay away from him because his mom had such a reputation for being such a total crazy you know what that they knew better then to ask him out! So I guess she's been crazy like this for a long, long time and has butted her nose into relationships he's had in the past, but that still doesn't make it any easier for me!

All I can say is-my hubby is DARNED lucky I love him or I would have taken off a LONG time ago!!!!
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 7/4/2009 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
wow

My MIL told me the first time she met me that I wasn't good enough for her son. (she was drunk at the time)
She has also made comments to my hubby about me being out of shape (but she makes these comments about her own daughter so I wasn't too mad at that one.)
Luckily for me my hubby has enough of a backbone to live his own life ... such an improvement over my ex (whose strategy when we fought was to have HIS mom talk to me about the issue)

SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 7/4/2009 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you have MIL issues, too, WCC. It sucks, doesn't it? My MIL has never made a comment about my weight, that I know of, but she makes rude comments about other heavy women, so I know she thinks less of me because of my size. The really messed up thing about that, though, is that she's overweight, too!! The lady is crazy, basically.

My hubby does have a backbone-he's told her off many times over our past 8 years together-but right now things are so weird what with my BIL being in prison and all that he feels a bit of an obligation to humor her. Thankfully when the legal mess with BIL is fixed and he comes home, he will go back to being the perfect son who can do no wrong and MIL will go back to ignoring my hubby like she does me!
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


Irish Babe
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1371
   Posted 7/4/2009 1:50 PM (GMT -7)   

One of my least favorite subjects, the infamous M I L, run away, save yourself!! I got along w/ all my friends parents, I got along w/ previous BF's parents, then came her. The woman was unbelievable, the first night I met her, she was deep into her cups and feeling no pain. That was to be my job. She had the mouth of a sailor and wasn't afraid to use it. I was shocked, my mother never spoke that way. She just laughed at my discomfort. When we went to tell her we were getting married, she asked if I was pregnant. I was PO'ed, then she said her son would have a problem w/ the 'Ice Princess'. She didn't like the date we picked for the wedding, said we needed to change it, as she wouldn't be able to get off for it. I said that is the date, I was not changing it. She then wanted to set up what the dress should be for the mothers'. That was my mother's previlege. It was a fight to the end. She told me what I should name my children, I explained what their names would be, she didn't like that, it should be this way.

She challenged everything I did w/ my children. I asked if her mother or MIL did that, she said that she wouldn't allow it. I said, Same here. I invited her to our house, she would visit if it concerned my DH, not my children. She didn't want to come for their baptisms', or any other special days. She made so many remarks about me and my children, I'm getting mad all over again.

Yrs ago my SIL (a carbon copy of MIL) called me to let me know MIL was in hosp w/ stroke. My DH was at work, I called to let him know. We went over to visit many times. The last time I spoke w/ her, she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her son, held my hand, acted like a mom. I thought "All the wasted yrs!" She went into a coma that night, died a wk later.

The most important thing is your DH has backbone and sees what she is like. Since your children went w/ the GPs and they are in safe hands, enjoy. YOU don't have to spend quality time w/ MIL/FIL. devil   Those idiots are missing out on sharing your life and letting another loving person into their lives. It is their loss. I personally use that experience to help me be more open w/ my children's friends and dates. My parents were always nice w/ our dates, loved all the inlaws. My DH was/is treated w/ love and respect. As it should be, IMHO.

You can't change anyone else, all you can change is how you react to them and their nonsense. You just wonder what do they gain by acting like that, so much anger - WOW.

Try to relax and enjoy the rest of this beautiful day.

God bless.  Alice.

 


SleepyBug
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 7/4/2009 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Alice.

I agree..they are missing out, definitely! I would be happy for us to be one big happy loving family, but their coldness and the way they've treated me in the past keep a definite distance between us.

I do wonder what they get out of their behavior..They are definitely VERY angry. The things I've heard them say about people! Wow is right. The really sad thing about it is that they both profess to be good, faithful Christians yet they say the most critical, judgmental, negative things..People like them give the faith a bad name, in my opinion!

You mentioned your MIL's dying words...sometimes I fear it will take dying for my MIL to realize what she's done to people around her all of these years. I know she has a lot of issues because of her father (he was very verbally abusive), but even he has expressed regret and sorrow at how he acted all those years ago. She won't forgive him for anything, though. It's very sad..

My boys are home now and my daughter's plans ended up being canceled as well, so we are going to have a nice dinner and do some sparklers on the front porch when it gets dark. I did really enjoy my peace and quiet and the beautiful day, but am happy to have a nice quiet evening with my kids, too!
love and hugs
~danielle


fibromyalgia, ibs, gerd, anxiety

We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.~Carlos Castaneda

I wish you all the joy that you can wish.~William Shakespeare

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.~Erma Bombeck


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 7/5/2009 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Danielle, I know this type of thing really hurts.  I have had really hurtful things happen to me...from who I thought was a friend.  All the lying behind my back, making things up to my best friend, and actually causing a breakup between my best friend and myself.  The reason for all of this?  Jealousy.  This woman was jealous of the great friendship I had with my best friend.  She wanted my best friend to be HER best friend.  This is what is going on with you, I think.  You can take out the "friends" in my story and insert your husband and his mother and it reads just like what you are going through.
 
Now I'll tell you how I handled this.  It wasn't easy but I forgave the lying "friend" and prayed for her!  I haven't seen her since all of this happened, but I still prayed for her for months.  Trust me, sometimes I was praying through my teeth!  LOL  BUT, by doing this, the anger in me was released and the healing of my hurts began. 
 
Several months later, my best friend called me and asked me to come to her office.  I did.  She ended up apologizing to me for her actions and for believing the other woman.  So, now we have a good relationship again.  The lying woman has no friends and I do feel very sorry for her.
 
I loved my in-laws but I had a problem with MY parents.  They didn't like my husband!  The day we got married, My father and I were standing at the doorway that would open to the aisle I was to walk down to get married.  My train had been spread out and my father's last words to me before we walked down the aisle was, "You don't have to go through with this, you know."  shocked    I was so hurt but I loved my husband and my parents and made the best of it.  When they would come for a visit it was like walking on egg shells until they left.  But, my husband, God love him, was always so good to my parents.  When my father died my husband was wonderful to my mother and you know what?  She grew to love him very, very much. 
 
This can happen with you too.  You need to get rid of the anger and animosity.  It isn't helping the situation OR your health.  Your mother-in-law obviously has some big problems...especially since she has a reputation for this.  Keep this in mind.  The poor woman can't help herself.  Some people are just miserable people and make others miserable, too.  You don't want someone like that "controlling" your emotions.  If you are a praying person, pray for your MIL every night.  Pray for peace in your family.  When you are around her, ignore her hurtful statements.  She is a sick woman and can't control herself.  Just try to show kindness and if you can't muster that up, really try to tune her out.  It will keep peace in the family, your husband will love you for it, and I think your MIL will grow to love you, too.  This is kind of what my husband did and my mother adored him until the day he died.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 7/5/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I guess I was lucky and never lived close to my in laws or maybe I missed out on a lot that I would have enjoyed, will never know. I have one ex DIL that is very mentally ill but the five years she was married to my son I treated her as kindly as I could in spite of her problems. It wasn't til her mental illness started to affect my grandchildren that the fight was on and she lost her rights to the children. I have another ex DIL that is the most hateful person I have ever met but I have to be nice to her for the sake of my three grandchildren. She and I did have some spats over the way she treated the children but you can only watch so much before you explode and I did a few times, but anyone would have. I will be kind to her til my grandchildren are all grown.
 
I guess my thinking on DILs is that I will be kind to anyone my sons choose as their wives even though I may not always like them and even when they are a pain to get along with. So I guess I'm a pretty good MIL, even if I have to say so myself. tongue
 
You know there is a saying, a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife. It's not always easy to accept that but it is true and you have to respect it.
 
I would be getting as far away as I could from that woman Danielle. Does she accept your DD as her grandchild??? My youngest son's fiance, I hope they get married soon cause I call her my DIL, has a 5 yr old son and we treat him the same as we do my son's children and he calls us Grandma and Grandpa.
 
Good luck girls.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
 
 
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WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 7/5/2009 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
LOL ... my MIL is something else allright. I just have to be careful with what I say around her cause I never want my DH to have to take sides in a conflict. I'd rather de-escalate the situtation than add to it. I think she secretly likes me and is just giving me a hard time to see if I can handle it. Like I said she says the same things to me about her own daughters as she says to my hubby about me, so I decided to look at it as if that's her way of accepting me and treating me like family. Also, my DH is her youngest and her baby and she's so protective of all her kids, especially him.

donnaeil
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 7/5/2009 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Your mother in law does not deserve your time or attention. The more she realizes that you are not paying attention to her actions by feeling shocked or hurt, the worse she will act until, she finds another victim.

Your children will eventually figure out what she does to you and they will not wish to be around her anymore. My children did.

One of the best things about my divorce was that I no longer had in-laws. My mil was so bad that after my hubby and I separated, she sent all of their gift money to their father and never called my children at our home. He eventually spent all of that money on himself and, did not even buy presents for our children with his own money.

Hence, my sons have nothing to do with her and now that they are doing well as young adults, she realizes that she misses them. My daughter will contact her grandparents about two times per year. That is their only contact with my children.

this past father's day, my ex missed out on accolades from his children and so did his dad. Funny, he called my daughter right after the holiday passed. It was the first time in three years. He did not call when she was in the hospital nor during her recovery. His mother was the same way and now, they want the attention.

Stay away from the women. Maybe you can go out with good friends during the holidays so that you will not have to be at her house. She will get the message. Also, when she asks for your children, do not always let her have them. This woman has to be forced to respect you.

Donnaeil

RedDiane
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 906
   Posted 7/5/2009 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW! my son got engaged this week and I really like his fiancee. But I'm going to be careful what I do as a MIL! shocked turn Diane
Fibromyalgia since 1984, Sjogren's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Auto-immune eczema, GERD, osteoarthritis, IBS, RLS, sleep apnea


everyday pain
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/6/2009 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry, you are having trouble's with your M.I.L...I have alway's had a good relationship with mine(not that there wern't times ,i bit my tongue)WE talk often about what a waste of life to carry anger and rudeness inside yourself.Why not make the best of what is around you.She also is a great support person for me and my illness'.I also am going to be a new M.I.L. next month wink .Ihope i can be a bigger person,and not treat her as it seem's some of you have been treated.Ido not understand why people would make us feel so bad mentally,do we not have enough to deal with,with our physical PAIN?Remember:"We can not truely love ourselves until,we can love other's".Best of luck,and God Bless.
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