a reaction to stress that was surprising

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Statgeek
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/11/2009 10:46 PM (GMT -7)   
You are all smart like this, so you all probably already know this, but I was surprised!
 
Things are a "little" stressful here.  Two adult children, one spouse, and one grand dog have moved back home with us and they are not getting along.   I was having a hard day and went way out back and sat under a pine tree in the dark just to be alone.  I was crying and crying.  I don't know why exactly - maybe just a bursting of sorts. 
 
When walking back up to the house and I felt my body nearly collapse under me several times.  It was like my muscles turned to putty and I had to lean against something to keep from falling down. 
 
That is the fibro body's way of responding to stress sometimes, I think.  It is good for us to handle stress in a healthy way.

crazykitty
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/12/2009 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Statgeek, sorry you have this added stress going on. Stress is so hard on us because our
bodies are already compromised by our Fibro. You were overwhelmed by it and had a good
cry. You were able to release a lot of pent up emotion and your body was reacting to that.

I try to do something I enjoy on a daily basis, it helps distract me from my ilnesses and it
helps relieve some stress. I agree with you Statgeek, "It is good for us to handle stress
in a healthy way".

Wishing you a great day!

Robin
 
 MCTD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, Degenerative 
 Disc Disease, Hypertension, Migraines and Pseudothrombocytopenia
 MEDS: Methotrexate, Savella,Flexeril,Diltiazem, Boniva, Vitamins 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


MT Lady
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 955
   Posted 9/12/2009 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Statgeek,
I really feel for you and know what you are going through. I had my mom move in for a year and the stress, at least for me, was beyond what I could handle. I managed the year but the years following I was very unhealthy. I'm not trying to worry or scare you. You said they are not getting along. I encourage you to sit down with a social worker and have a family meeting, if at all possible. The stress is not good for anyone.
I wish you well
Miriam

Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, back problems, hypothyroidism.


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 9/12/2009 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   
It's difficult to live with your spouse, let alone live with your adult children, their spouses and their dog!  You really are a wonderful Mom!
 
Having a good cry does help a lot.  Sometimes I get so pent up that I want to explode.  That's when I hop in the shower and have a good cry.  This way, if my eyes are red, my daughter will think I got soap in them.  I'm never crying over anything she has done.  She is wonderful.  It's just all that life has handed me...it does get to me too, even though I'm a positive thinker.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


Marlee2
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Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 9/12/2009 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue I know we do what we have to do when it comes to our families but I wouldn't handle it well physically or mentally if I had kids moving back in and then their fighting on top of it. For the past 12 yrs I respond differently to stress than I use to for some reason. I think my brain and central nervous system are both shot. I hope this situation is temporary for you.
 
I think getting away from them and having a good cry was healthy. But even that may have drained you is why you felt so weak. Anxiety can cause some very weird feelings and I have had that weak feeling and even like I was going to pass out. It's strange but when I use to get upset about something I seemed to have more energy but anymore it zaps what energy I have.
 
I think for your health you are going to have to sit them all down and lay down Sue's law to them. They will probably not get how you feel and what it is doing to you having them there but it is your house and they are adults and if they want to live there they need to respect your wishes. You have to have a place to go to relax in your house to get away from them when you need to. You already had enough on your plate with your education before this.
 
I know I like to be the nice mommy and grandma and I don't like conflict between me and my family either but this is for your good.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
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Statgeek
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/12/2009 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
A bit of a rant and a request for help!!
 
We had some agreements and hubby has planned a family meeting.  We are waiting for a time when we are all here together because our schedules are so different.  We originally had everyone buy their own food, but that became a mess with storage and everyone was eating ours while we refrained from eating theirs.  We cannot afford to support 5 (sometimes 6 with youngest dd fiance) adults.   So we made a menu and each person cooks a night.  The others clean up.  It is sort of working.  I ended up doing all the shopping.  Last week the grocery bill was higher because the cheap store had no disabled parking left and I couldn't do it, so I went to the more expensive store.
 
If the dishwasher is full, people pile dishes in the sink.  No one takes out recycling or garbage.  Their bedrooms are disgusting and when the married daughter cleans their room she brings all the trash and recycleables out and piles them up on the floor in bags in the kitchen without sorting them.   They rarely pick up dog poop without being told.  The bathroom is awful, too.  And if company comes over and I haven't told the married daughter, she gets mad at me because her bathroom is dirty.   We have a housekeeper who comes two times a month and I feel sorry for her.  I try hard to keep things picked up so she doesn't have to pick up things to mop and clean off counters, etc. 
 
All their stuff that used to be in their homes is stored here.  We have 1.5 acres and a large outbuilding and a large garage that hubby converted into a manroom and a little room for storage.  Their stuff is everywhere. 
 
I welcome ideas for the family meeting. 
 
 I used to be a counselor and my children accuse me or using "psychology tricks" on them.  This is not true, just an attempt to manipulate me.  In addition, I went back to school when they were in high school.  I arranged my schedule so I could be home for them when they were out of school, but they were never here, so I stopped doing that.  But it doesnt stop them from saying how I was a horrible mom and abandoned them in highschool by going to school myself.   Now I have fibro, school (hopefully soon) and job that is leading to school.   I do not want the family meeting to be turned into "stop using psychology tricks on us."  (any attempt at agreement on paper, etc will be accused of that)  or "you were a bad mom by abandoning us at high school and you are abandoning us now cuz you can't take care of us."  I know it is unreasonable, but I do expect to hear it from them. 
 
Bottom line is: they cannot live here in our home if they do not respect us and help out.

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17101
   Posted 9/12/2009 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Boy, Sue, what a mess!  I know I wouldn't put up with that for an instant.  You could even lose your maid over this..not to mention your mind!  I would start out letting them know that you love them very much BUT there will be will be rules of this household.  Rules are needed to keep things running smoothly.  (You make the rules, Sue.  It's your home and you have opened it to these adults.  The least they can do is carry their weight.  If they want to make their own rules, tell them they can leave, get their own place, and make their own rules.)  If people don't follow the rules, they have to leave.  You will not ask them to do these things.  They are adults and they will have to be responsible for themselves.  Period.  Make that perfectly clear and you do need to follow up on it.  If you don't, you will be back where you are now, except it will probably get worse.

1.)  They have to keep their surrounding clean and picked up.  Many hands do make light work.  Wherever they sleep needs to be kept clean and picked up...that means dusting and vacuuming, beds made, etc.  If they don't cooperate then they have to leave.

2.)  A list will be made of household chores.  There will be a  list to clean up the dishes, cook, to empty the dishwasher, to do the garbage, to vacuum the house, to mop the floors, etc.  Everyone has to take a turn at these chores.  Maybe have a numbered list of all the people in the house and have it by these lists.  Then they can easily see if they are the next in line for the chore.  See what I mean?  Remember, it's their responsibility to check the lists.  (Now, they can most certainly remind the others if they see that the others aren't doing the job.)  If they do not cooperate, the deal is off and they have to leave. 

3.)The meal menu and sharing the cost is a good plan.  I would tell them that any snacks they want, they have to buy.  I wouldn't pay for junk food.  If you and  your husband have snacks  you enjoy, put them where they won't have access to them.  When you buy fruit, cheese, lunchmeats, dips, etc., put them in a zip loc bag with your name on them.  (They can do the same.)  You will know if people are eating your things.  Or, if  you can arrange the fridge so each couple has a shelf to share and that's the only food they can eat, you could do that.  This can help with some people pigging out on the food while others don't eat that much.  If they continue to eat your foods, the deal is off and they have to leave.

It's tough love, for sure, but you can't go on the way you are.  I'm sure others will be on with good suggestions, too.  But, there is no excuse that these adults can't pitch in and do their share in this bad situation.  Everyone has to work together for this to work.  If they won't, they need to go someplace else.

Sherrine 



Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/12/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Statgeek, I believe your bottom line "they cannot live here in our home if they do not respect
us and help out." is right on!

Ideas for family meeting. Buy some index cards. On each card write a chore, and put what you
expect done, just the way you would like it to meet your expectations. That way they have no
excuse to say, I didn't know I was supposed to do that. As an example:

Bathroom: Clean Mirrors, counter, sink, shower, tub, floor and toilet. Pick up after use.

Make a list of all the chores. See if they are agreeable to rotating chores or do they want to
be responsible for certain chores. Follow up on a daily basis. Make sure they know the
consequences.

Hold a weekly family meeting, at that time a menu plan can made; and a discussion on whether
expectations are being met. The rules that you and your husband make, should be rules
that benefit you to the max, it is your home and you deserve to have things done the
way you want!

Hope everything works out for you Statgeek!

Robin
 
 MCTD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, Degenerative 
 Disc Disease, Hypertension, Migraines and Pseudothrombocytopenia
 MEDS: Methotrexate, Savella,Flexeril,Diltiazem, Boniva, Vitamins 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Marlee2
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Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 9/13/2009 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue, if they want to live like animals than tell them to move to the outbuilding!!! I'm sorry but I wouldn't be as nice about this as the rest of you. These are adults they shouldn't need to be told what to do. Who took care of them when they were living on their own??? And this throwing it up in your face that you were a bad mom when they were in high school, is bunk. You must not have been too bad a mom or they wouldn't have moved back in with you. Boohoo, so you had a life when they were in high school, I'm sure they did too. I also went back to school when mine were in high school. Between school, homework, jobs and friends it was mine that were never home til curfew. They probably didn't have any idea how many hours a day I was gone.
 
We had some laziness problems with our middle son and then with our 21 yr old grandson when he was in high school and I was nice up to a point with them and tried to teach them what was expected of them but it come down to my way or the highway (period). They neither one moved out til they needed to so it must not have been too bad. We lived a military life and there are no slackers in the military.
 
I would make a list of what needs to be done everyday and rotate duties and that is it.
 
From the hardcore mom. smilewinkgrin
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
 
 
 
 
 
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
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WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 9/13/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I've recently been dis-invited to even crash on my parents' couch.
I don't know what I did to deserve it. I certainly don't think I am that high maintenance.
It hurts.
If my parents can do it to me ... you can do it to your kids.
I would reccomend you do it more nicely than my parents did though.
Sit your kids down and talk to them. Kindly mention how that they are now adults and will not be cleaned up after as if they were 2 years old. Detail your expectations. Take the time to write them a list of things they will contribute to your household. Post it in a common location so they can go read it if they forget what they are supposed to do or get confused. You might even go as far as to write up family agreements.
I can't believe you have 6-ish adults in one house! I'm going to be assigning them random names later :)
I suggest you give one list of expectations to all of them and let them decide amongst themselves how they will divide their part of the responsibilities. This will let them know that you are not trying to be their mom and give them chores, but rather accepting them as adult members of your little community by giving them the flexibility to sort out among themselves who will take care of what based on who is busier. Make sure you treat each couple as one entity. Make sure you use words like “responsibilities” rather than “chores”.

Some suggestions for your list of expectations/ house rules:

1) You will clean up after yourself and your animals.
Whoever the dog belongs to, it's their responsibility to take care of him ... if not the dog will have to go to the pound.
I wouldn't suggest being too picky on the messyness of their respective living spaces. If they want to have a pile of CLEAN laundry on their floor in their room and it's not in the way of anyone else's stuff, and you can close the door and ignore it ... let them. Only draw the line if it's a cleanliness or common courtesy issue ... NO-GO situations would include: leaving the remains of food around to get moldy or attracting pests, putting a pile of their possessions in a common area thereby causing a tripping hazard for others (you in particular, since we fibromites all have "weeble-wobble" syndrome), leaving a pile of DIRTY laundry around to smell up the house, doing anything that will cause damage to your house (like spilling something that will ruin the carpet and failing to clean it up.)

2) You will provide for your own sustenance.
The FOOD issue!
I love the idea of rotating the cooking for large meals. It must be great if you can have a common meal with your entire little community. I definitely think that the person who cooks shouldn't have to clean up. You have enough couples to have one cook, one put away the food, one take care of the dishes/wipe up the kitchen. I think that the people who cook should be the ones who buy the food for that meal. That way if Bart and Bartette don't have a lot of money they can make spaghetti, whereas Homer and Marge can treat the others to a more elaborate/expensive meal, and if Lisa doesn't want to cook, she can bring home Subway for everyone. When people buy ingredients for meals, just tape a note (or place a Dot ... more on that later) on there that says "for a meal" so everyone else knows not to eat the mushrooms Bartette bought specifically for that spaghetti she is making tomorrow. As soon as the meal has been made, the note can be removed so that others can use the leftover mushrooms in an omelette or whatever the next day.
For items that all of you commonly use, eggs/bread/milk/cereal (providing everyone can agree on a type of cereal or bread or milk) I would suggest agreeing on an amount to contribute. I can see two ways of doing this, either a set amount or a percentage. If each couple contributed X% of their income toward the common foods budget, then Lisa might pay more than Bart and Bartette, depending how well off they are. If they don't like that idea, them perhaps you could come to an agreement where each couple puts in $X per month.
I would suggest the Dot System for snacks. This worked really well when I was in college. I shared a kitchenette with 3 other girls. We bought those little dot stickers. Each person got a color. We would stick our colored dot on the food we bought if we cared if others ate it. The rule is simple. If the bag of chips has a dot on it that's not your color, you have to wait until you can find the person whose dot it is and ask them if you can have some of their chips. As long as you can get everyone to agree to respect the others' dots this is a great solution. Another solution would be to designate specific areas for each couple's snacks ... this shelf of the cupboard for Bart and Bartette, that corner of the counter for Homer and Marge, etc.
3) You will use your unique talents and skills to help others out if they have a particular problem.
After all, you ARE family ...
For example:
Mom has health issues, therefore she might require a little extra help.
Lisa's a really buff chick, so if poor Bartette needs help carrying something real quick, Lisa should help her.
Bartette's really good at sewing, so if Lisa needs a button sewn back on or a small tear mended, Bartette should help her.

4) You will not avoid doing simple common tasks.
For example:
If you use a dish, and that dish fills the dishwasher you will start it ... no matter if you started it the last 50 times. I don't know what to do about piling dishes in the sink. It's not really fair to make a rule that says the first person to dirty a dish has to put away the clean dishes. Maybe assign the person or people who are the least busy in the morning to put away the clean dishes and put the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher. Maybe it would be ok for the people who have to get up early to go to work to rinse their dishes and put them in the sink until the dish person wakes up? I don't know as I am my own dishwasher .... no fun technology for me LOL.
I guess this is a good place for my laundry suggestion ... either everyone can do their own laundry, or you might consider making it a community thing. When I was growing up, my mom always had a 3 different colored laundry baskets next to the washer, one for lights, one for mediums, and one for darks. When we took our dirty clothes out there, we would put them in the appropriate basket. I think that your little community should have a similar set-up with the rule that if you notice a basket getting kind of full, you put that load in to wash. I would caveat it with the stipulation that if you have something that needs special care or something you need to wash right away so you can wear it soon, that's your responsibility to take care of. This would keep Lisa from whining that nobody washed the mediums so her favorite jeans weren't clean for her party, as well as keeping Homer from ruining a delicate item by washing it wrong.

5) The community responsibilities will be divided.
You all need to put your heads together and come up with something y'all can agree on.
Take into account everyone's schedules. The person who's the busiest in the morning shouldn't be the one who has time-sensitive morning responsibilities. That'd be like me telling my husband, "I know you're getting ready for work and all, but you need to put away the clean dishes so I can do dishes later " ... ridiculous, since I can easily put away the clean dishes when he's gone (Actually I usually ask him to put them away when he gets home from work so that the drainer is nice and empty for me to use when I wash dishes the next morning ... but that doesn't have anything to do with this post *grin*)
I would suggest getting lots of input from everyone. Nothing will make a family member fell put down and want to rebell more than feeling bullied by their parents or siblings. Adults want to be treated like adults, and should be allowed the freedom to act like adults. I think every family needs to re-invent their family dynamic after the kids grow up. The "parents > older siblings > younger siblings" hierarchy that worked as the kids were growing up (since the kids were too short or too young or still learning to do things like laundry, etc) is inappropriate for a household of adults because the adults should treat others and be treated more like equals. Yes, whoever owns the house has the final say ... it is their house after all. However, everyone has different experiences and the other adults might be able to bring some very handy ideas.
about the garbage and recycling. That's awesome that you recycle. Yay for the environment. Does the city do it or do you take it in and get money for it? What I think you should do is get several boxes or trash cans and have one for paper, one for plastic, etc. In Germany they are all about recycling and the only way my roommates and I were able to stay sane was to have different cans for each recyclable. I recommend that you take a look at everyone’s schedules and maybe have everyone who goes to work take turns taking the trash out with them in the morning. I don’t recommend you try to make a “if you fill the trash bag you take it out” rule, because people are lazy and it will get ignored. If you turn the recycling in for money, you should save it in a family coin jar and do something fun together when it gets enough money … even a diner out or a night at the movies would be an awesome way to have a mini-vacation. Maybe you do something really cheap and get the men to give you ladies pedicures, then after the women have been pampered, they can wait on the men with snacks and drinks while the manfolks watch Crank or another manly movie in the Man Cave. LOL … let me note here that I am not opposed to waiting on menfolk as a special treat … I’m just opposed to them expecting food and drinks to magically appear for them while they’re indulging in their solitary hobbies
Cleaning … nobody likes to clean, but it has to be done. I used to live in a dorm with a community bathroom … talk about a logistic nightmare getting 20 girls to keep it clean! We eventually worked it out though. I definitely think the people with more free time should get a little more responsibility when it comes to the cleaning, and people with mitigating circumstances … like you for your fibro … should get a little leniency. Discuss among yourselves what the best way to divide the chores is. Definitely each couple should be responsible for their own living spaces. As the home owner you can also require that the couples’ living spaces be cleaned on a regular basis … say once a week. If they don’t like it, explain to them that your home is an investment and if they want to continue living there, they need to help maintain it (not to mention that if they help keep the house nice now, they’ll be inheriting a nicer house in the future). Also, divide the chores in the common areas. When I lived in that dorm with the community bathroom, we had a couple of different systems going. One girl was responsible for stocking the cleaning closet (bringing the toilet paper and cleaning solutions up from the supply room downstairs) , and the cleaning tasks were divided between the other girls. We had one girl who hated sweeping, but didn’t mind cleaning toilets, so we made that her permanent job. Everyone else rotated the other duties. We also stacked the cleaning tasks into groups by what would make them easier to do. One girl would sweep and mop, since both those involved the floor (we tried having one girl sweep and the other mop, but that was a pain because the mopper had to wait for the sweeper, which meant she couldn’t go to class or breakfast until the sweeper had swept.). Another girl would clean the sinks and mirrors, since cleaning the sinks would always get water spots on the mirrors. We also usually had 2 or 3 girls assigned to each task. It was up to them to work out between them who would do what. Sometimes the sink and mirror team would alternate days, sometimes they would each clean one sink and one mirror, sometimes one would do all the sinks and one all the mirrors … it depended what worked for them. We tended to rotate tasks at the end of every week, and on occasions where there was extra work, like a lot of mud or sand got tracked in, we would all get together and clean. We liked to make a party of it! I definitely suggest that you treat each couple as one entity. You don’t need to decide that Joe will mop and Jane will sweep … just decide as a group that Bart and Bartette will take care of the floors this week, and let them work it out. They’re big boys and girls, they can handle it. If Lisa’s fiancé only comes over occasionally, she should have a little less responsibility than the other couples, and her man can help her with her responsibilities when he comes over. If he’s there a lot, I suggest giving Lisa the same amount of responsibility as the other couples, and on the few occasions her man’s not there to help her out, she’s not allowed to whine about it.
A schedule like this should keep the common areas in suitable shape for company …. Just close everyone else’s doors so that visitors don’t have to see the messy parts of the house.
You have a housekeeper? You shouldn’t need one with a house full of people LOL. Please talk to your kids and make sure they understand that while you do have a housekeeper, she’s not being paid to clean up after 6 people (I’m guessing she bases her rates on the size of the house and doesn’t expect 6 people’s worth of mess for one couple’s house) Ignore this paragraph if you like, I’m pretty sure I’ve ceased all coherent thought by now and am just rambling.
6) No complaining
Members of the household are not allowed to complain that they always get stuck doing things … especially if it’s a VERY easy task. It’s not that hard to start a dishwasher, so if they started the dishwasher the last 50 times they can’t whine that no one else ever starts it. If the deity of dishwashers hates them soooo much that it causes them to always have that one last dish that fills the washer up ... they get to just deal with it.
7) We are starting fresh from here
Bringing up past transgressions is not allowed. They don’t get to whine about you not being around in high school, and you don’t get to whine about whatever they did that got on your nerves.

I suggest the stuff they aren’t actually using should either be sold at a garage sale, donated to charity, or be put into storage. Storage shouldn’t be too expensive. I’m having my parents move all my stuff from their house to a storage facility so it will all be in one place. I bet they could get a cheaper rate if they shared a larger unit between them. At the very least, their stuff should be organized and out of others’ way.
Before you have your meeting, you should have a long discussion with your hubby just to make sure you and he are on the same sentence on the same page. Write down your ideas so you don’t forget to address something. You should also prepare the kids by letting them know about the meeting at least a week in advance and that it will be a polite adult discussion ... no yelling allowed. You can even buy a goofy token like a neon pink stuffed flamingo for the person who has the floor to hold. If they have a healthy sense of humour, you might consider sending them tongue-in-cheek invitations to the meeting: “Your presence at our family meeting is cordially requested at such and such a date and time” … then in parentheses put “Actually you’re required to come.” Be funnier about it though, my brain is fried at the moment. Also include a list of things that will be dicussed, and ask them to write down and bring some of their own ideas. They should also write down their approximate weekly schedule so you all can compare and see who has time for what tasks. Maybe you can also have a family movie or game night the same day. You also might like to split into groups for part of the discussion. Split up the women and the men and have both groups come up with a list of ideas. I think this will promote togetherness i.e. the men will try to see if together they can come up with better ideas than the women. If you have a good typist in the bunch you might want to have him or her record all the ideas so that you can discuss everyone’s idea. I think people will be less likely to interrupt if they know that someone is writing down all their suggestions and that those will be discussed eventually. You should also allow a break where each couple can split off from the whole group and discuss things with their other half.
I hope that you can get things worked out! Having 5 other people around to help with things sounds awesome if everyone can work together! When I lived in the dorms, we would have weekly meetings. Maybe you want to schedule a meeting at least once a month and then they can bring up things they think are not working or suggest better ways to do things. This might help keep them from griping if they know that in a month they will have the chance to address their issue.
I think it would be great to start the meeting off by saying that you are not going to use any “counselor tricks” on them. You can even make a list of things titled “NOT allowed” … put things like “yelling”, “counselor tricks from mom”, “bickering” etc…
The main points that you need to make sure come across are these:
1) You are welcome as a contributing member here. We will help you but not enable you. Enabling is doing for someone what they should be able to do themselves. Helping is giving someone assistance based on your unique abilities or situation with a task that they would find impossible or very difficult to do on their own.
2) This house is my investment and everyone living here needs to help take care of it
3) We are a community of adults with different talents, but we are also a family. We are going to treat eachother with common courtesy as well as understanding when things are not exactly equal. Complaints should be reserved for times when you feel you are being grossly mistreated.
I hope that I have given you some things to think about, and that I have been able to lend you the perspective of an adult child in a similar situation.
My parents never told me they expected me to clean certain things around the house, so all I did was take care of my own laundry. The only thing they made clear was that I was to pay the utility bills as my "rent". My mom never talked to me about it, she just whined to others so I had no clue what was going on. I was busy with my own job.
I hope you haven’t fallen asleep reading this long, long post. I like words, can you tell?

Statgeek
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/14/2009 12:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi chocolate chip, you put a lot of effort into the post. Some really good ideas. Thank you.

Thanks to others, too.
Sue

KerriH
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 316
   Posted 9/14/2009 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, Statgeek, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  Your reaction to your enormous amout of stress is understandable!!  
 
I am also sorry that your children have been unable to see how much you have done for them and accuse you of bad mothering.   confused   I can say, from reading your post, you are a VERY caring and givinig mother!!  Going back to school when your children are teenagers is not deserting them! They are not seeing just how lucky they are to have you.
 
Others have offered wonderful feedback and advice.  I do hope it helps.
 


WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 9/14/2009 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Sue ... your situation really resonated with me, due to my current problems with my own parents. Yeah lol I spent like 2 hours writing that post when I should have been folding laundry :D Oh well, the laundry will keep.
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