How can we tell

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kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 9/16/2009 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
What do we do to tell our son that we are not at his beck and call. Our 25 year old son just can not seem to understand we are not alive to just be at his beck and call. For example yesterday we had a funeral we had to go to my husbands uncle. Our son rings us up "Can you come and pick me up I need to go to the house" You may say ok BUT we arrived at his place after the funeral when we asked him why? He looked at me when I said we had somewhere we had to be shortly was he ready to leave. He decided he did not need to go anywhay he was going with Sarah that evening.
So why call us? He does this all the time ie on Sunday we arrived home from church to have him ring up and ask his father to come and do some painting for him. He sat on his backside the whole time playing a game while his wife to be and my husband did the 10 mins of painting that needed to be done. When we go away he rings to find when we get home because he needs his father for something. Our other 2 boys are more likley to come and see their father to see if he needs help. Our daugther is the same her and her partner do that too. Why is our son David like this?
 
Kathy
 
Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue. IBS

Dagger
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1522
   Posted 9/16/2009 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Because it works. He's getting what he wants so why should he change! You can't control him, you can only control how you react to him. If you don't like the way he treats you, don't allow him to get away with it.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh. I've watched my brother walk all over my mom all his life and it gets me crazy. She hates it but won't say or do anything to change it.

WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 9/16/2009 4:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that a lot of the time people forget to change their family dynamic after the kids are grown. I think a lot of the time this is because the kids are used to Mom taking care of them. They're used to not being able/allowed to do certain things. My baby brother used to keep asking my mom to reach things for him from the cupboard, even after he began to tower over her petite 5'3". It was just a habit left over from when he WAS too short to reach the cupboard and wasn't allowed to handle certain delicate dishes in case he would drop them.

Sounds like your son needs a good stern talking-to. His behaviour is unacceptable.
It is unacceptable for him to ask you to assist him and then not help. If his fiancee needs help with something she should be the one to ask. At the VERY least he should be hospitable. He should offer you tea and a scone and talk to you while the others are doing whatever task they have. It is unacceptable for him to have you come pick him and not be at least mostly ready when you arrive, and then he changed his mind ... after you had taken time out of your day to take care of his needs. Be gentle but firm. Let him know that you love him and are happy to help, but will NOT tolerate being mistreated. Discuss specific examples of what is NOT acceptable. He might be clueless as to how his behaviour is affecting you. Once you explain things the light might go on, and he'll understand that he's been being rude and insensitive to your feelings. If he can't at least be respectful and treat you properly, then he doesn't deserve your help. I wonder if he ever treats his fiancee that way?

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/17/2009 3:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I am having a similar issue. My youngest, according to his older brother, only comes around me when I have money, food, trans, etc. I notice bits of money missing, especially when he is broke and every penny is needed by me to buy food, gas, etc. Then his check comes and I don't see him for a week or so. Then he arrives, cleans out my refrigerator, etc. It seems like I become quite passive when he's here, not setting limits or boundaries. Then I seem to go into a depression, intractable until he is gone a day or two, begin to come out of it, begin to get back up on my feet, and whammo, back he comes. I wouldn't mind so much if he would contribute to the situation, by giving me a break, walking the dogs, helping me to get my Dad to his 200 miles away, doctor appts. tidying up (even after himself), but I get caught in this cycle of guilt with him, feeling sorry cause he didn't have an easy go of it, but I did almost everything I could think of to help him. I am very good at advising others about dealing with adult/child relationships, but when it comes to my own, not so good.
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17094
   Posted 9/17/2009 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Just say, "NO".  That will take care of it.  He's old enough to stand on his own two feet.  He hasn't learned that because someone is always there to pick up the pieces.  You have to use tough love.
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


springfling
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 519
   Posted 9/17/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Sherrine is right. There comes a time when you just have to learn to say "NO".

My mom & I have discussed this many times because I have 2 sisters who are the same way. It does not bother them to ask mom for money or to have her do things for them. Yet they are both in their 30's and capable of getting their butts up to work and take care of themselves.

Sometimes it is hard to realize that you & the rest of the family are allowing him to be this way. By doing everything he asks or catering to him, you are making it easy for him to never change. Change your ways & he will have to change his ways! It may sound very cruel & he may not like it much, but in the long run it will better all of your lives!

Good luck & get your husband on board to help make the changes. I guarantee that everyone, including your son will be much happier when he learns to take care of himself!!

                                                                                      good luck & hugs!

                                                                                           Springfling


Never regret something that made you smile!

Fibromyalgia*Osteoarthritis on Spine*SleepApnea

Menopause*RLS*Spurs on Spine*Allergy/Sinus

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