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watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/18/2009 1:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I always wonder how many of us are up unable to sleep forever whatever reasons. Tonight is one of those no matter what way i lay or where something hurts and sleep will never come, only dawn. And night is always the lonely time cats don't say much and a cup of tea only offers so much comfort. I am a student of psychology and the recent fight with my family care doctor still bothers me i really detest fighting with him about how the brain works.... And yet find myself frightened of going to see a pain management doctor, by now it should be a standard routine seeing a new specialist. Yet i can't help but think why does it have to come to this... All i ever really wanted was some sleep and the pains i can't handle to be controlled responsively. And of things to dread it is the fact i know i will have to see a me, well in a sense pain management pysc. probably an odd fear i guess. Most days i don't know anymore. And every passing year the only thing i learn is i know less then the year before. More and more i find myself wondering what does happen in the end of all this. Each passing year it just hurts more, and knowing why don't help. My aunt who passed recently was at peace... I keep going over and over watching her slowly die and tonight just seems so quiet and empty here without her sounds of sleep. Sometimes i am so mad at her she had cancer and refused any and all treatment except for being diagnosed, and at the end i had to know how one can die and find peace in knowing they will be gone in only hours. Yet with the smile i remember from early childhood, she help my hand and told me finally i have rest and be at peace. Still i am amazed by how strong she was even in the final hours as she still held my hand more for my sake then her own and smiled thru her pain. This spring when the cherry blossoms bloom I will take her ashes back home to japan and finish my last promise to put her to rest where she was born. But tonight for whatever reason the urn looks so lonely and the kitten i promised to save from the shelter curled up sleeping in her chair make me wish this house was not so empty. She always told me she would come back as well i guess this kitten i promised to save, but tonight probably just from pain and lack of sleep it is just not enough the selfish me wants my companion back. I know all things find peace in your soul and heart, and knowing she is at rest is my comfort. I suppose i just wish the nights were shorter and alot less lonely. If only i can find the will she had to live love and die with such passion then i know i will have given her honor thru my own work and will to fight just to be a better person. She once told me that even if only you touch one heart sooth one soul you will on there forever. This i believe to be true for those we touch and bring peace to we will always live in their hearts

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/18/2009 3:12 AM (GMT -7)   
A lovely post watashi. I too, am awakening throughout these long nights wishing for a good deep sleep, rather than dibs and drabs (little pieces of sleep that do not replenish soul, mind and body). I too, have fear of my physician, b/c he holds the power of how I will feel next day, next week, and next month. really, for someone in chronic pain; the medicine we need to make life possible is being withheld, by forces of evil. By this I mean the large pharmaceutical companies and their greedy lobbyists that permit the development of poisonous concoctions costing $20. a tablet, while waging war on the producers of the pharmaceuticals that nature provides. I hope I am not waxing too political here, but it needs repeating; our doctors are being hamstrung by power holders propelled by greed and disdain for the very persons they so depend on for their continuance. I find now, I have to stop struggling. I have struggled to survive, so much, in so much pain, I think maybe your beautiful aunt knew more than the rest of us, when she decided to stop struggling. Does any of this make any sense?
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/18/2009 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   
It does, but for tonight it is so frightening. I love the wording of your post, i always love something to ponder and it is so rare to find. I know she knows more then i of pain life and love, but that secret i suppose is not yet mine to hold. I grew up in a very traditional family in short by coming here to study with my aunt i disgraced my own parents by not marrying the one they choose. Here tonight with all the mourners gone this is the first night in my life i have ever spent alone.... long over due considering by this culture. But i too wonder what it is i do not know yet and why my own peace won't find me soon, though sadly i have always felt even as a child it will find me before my time... So much work to be done, no not with actual people i have always wanted to know the answer to the one question "why" so i guess untill i find my why i will struggle or never know peace. But to your question yes it is perfectly put, I too feel strongly that your beautiful post is the naked truth of the way it will be.

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/18/2009 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate your appreciation. I once met an older gentleman, he was drowning his sorrows in a glass as I also was, he had been a War Correspondent. He said something that I have carried with me, and don't completely understand; he said " be thankful for your troubles, wherever you encounter them, they are the lessons of life you have yet to learn, and there will be no rest until these lessons are learned". So, sweet dreams, and know that you are really never alone. We all come from and return to the same source. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself as you would treat a wounded friend.
The family, especially the parents are limited in their understanding by the lessons they have learned. They wish the best for you but cannot understand beyond their time, the young must soldier forward in a search for their own lessons, a difficult concept. But without this soldiering forth, there would be no adaptation, no survival of mankind. We cannot meet the lessons of today, with yesterday's answers.

watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/18/2009 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
What a beautiful and sorrowful saying, though i do grasp it's meaning, but the understanding comes much harder. Well the break of dawn has arrived once again, off to school this is my last year to the PHD my aunt always pushed and shared that dream with me and to fail it now would be no lesson learned. Sweet dreams to you also.

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/18/2009 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
You go girl!

katnluvr
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/18/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
This is a lovely thread. Just a thought on being alone... I recently spent about 5 years of my life alone (well, with the company of my two beloved feline children, one who is gone now..). It is in that time, without the distractions of anything or anyone else, that I learned the most about myself in my almost 40 years, AND I learned the best way for me to deal with my pain, mentally and emotionally. Not trying to qualify your aunt as a distraction, you have my sympathy for your loss. Just trying to point out what could be one little positive you may have to look forward to....

Congrats on your pending PhD. I was forced to terminate my pre-medical education because I couldn't physically or mentally endure the demands of such anymore. Kudos to you and all others who persevere...

beanley
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 9/18/2009 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
insomnia is a part of the grieving process. this too shall pass. (my mom would clean out cabinets at 3 am after my dad died.)
fibro, migraines, ibs


crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/18/2009 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Wishing everyone a restful sleep
 
Insomnia
 
I lie awake in the middle of the night
the room is dark except for moonlight
Time passes slowly when others sleep
I hear the tick of the clock, as the second hand sweeps
Keeping time as I count sheep
 
Robin
 

Post Edited (crazykitty) : 9/18/2009 2:32:55 PM (GMT-6)


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/19/2009 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for the thoughts, and yes all things pass and soon i hope i will find my own peace for her passing. It is always nice to have the two cats one who is almost 10 now and as lame as i am i call him cat (Neko) in japanese i just never had a name for poor thing, but couldn't let him stay as a stray either.

I don't know yet what is worse no sleep, or the same dumb nightmare. But untill then i will pull the sheets above my head and silently wait for sleep to come.

But thinking yeah it is or will be interesting to live by my own rules for once.... and maybe get rid of the dang table i keep hitting my shin on. Plus it's getting hard to get down there to eat anyways. Though it's good i am alone tonight cus if she saw me here with my mac and cheese and chopsticks laying on my bed she would kill me...

Tonight i think i'll catch a repeat of a favorite old anime and do this sleep thing you have all really helped me work out some of the turmoil in my head. And for once the dark isn't so scary. Only guess left now is where from here, but the choices are truely unlimited. And in my prayers tonight i will leave an incense for all who can't find there sleep and peace.

Littleneck
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 599
   Posted 9/19/2009 12:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Watashi, and other sleepless fibromites! I enjoyed all of your posts.

The war correspondent's words are so truthful - I know that I have a whole bunch of new troubles with my fibro, but I am coming to understand that I have a power to manage them that I didn't know I had before. I am now starting to make better choices, choices which I probably could have started making years ago such as being deliberate in my exercise, being deliberate in the foods I eat and trying to make sure that everything that goes in has something beneficial about it, and wondering if there is something beneath all the pain that I am not "getting" yet. These troubles are definitely lessons that fibro has caused me to examine, so I am (in a very strange way!) grateful to have been given this opportunity to change for the better.

That said... I tend to get the blues if I am tired and can't sleep so,  like tonight, I'm using this time to menu plan, write grocery lists, and look for healthy supplements online. When I wake up in the morning I will feel productive and one step ahead of the game, even tho my house is still messy!

Pleasant Dreams!                                                                                                                     


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/19/2009 12:30 AM (GMT -7)   
It might sound gross but my favorite health foods are seaweed, goya but never plain!! slip it in stir-fry, and tuna sushi, so nice and buttery smooth...
Guilty pleasures have to be rice balls and pocky i like to dip the pocky in frozen yogert from maverik yay for them and the soft serve!

beanley
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 9/19/2009 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
off topic but --- pocky sticks! for the win!!
fibro, migraines, ibs


Statgeek
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/19/2009 10:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Watashi,
I am encouraged by your post. This is because I am finishing the last part of my Master's thesis and it feels like it will never get done! I keep wondering if this is a little like labor and delivery - when you feel like you can't do it anymore is when you are nearly at the end. I plan to apply to a phd program this year to start in the fall. But I have to get this dang thesis done first. Been working on it all day and just now taking a break.

The night makes me lonely sometimes, too. It reminds me of when I was a girl and my father had just died. We would spend all day with friends and then drive home alone at night. The night was the hardest. Maybe night is the time you are quiet enough to think and learn to be with yourself. It can be peaceful and quiet, too.
Sue

watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I too have been working on a paper most of the day... honestly it is long boring and don't really interest me. I hold hope your paper gets done and you make it to your phd as well. As for babies and labor i would not know... I think right now is the first time since i was still much younger and hot blooded that i have stopped to think about the kind of love that brings us babies (embarrassingly as i never had that kind of love ) but my own fault i never really looked for it either, guess when you only think of one passion, then the other passions suffer. But in honesty i have no regrets either.

And yes tonight i find my peace in this velvet darkness. Finding this forum has really been life changing, but at last the change is a one of beauty.

Lovingagreyhound
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Hun I am right there with you! I am up tonight.....I am sleepy.. But my body hurts so bad that I could not for one moment sleep.
Oh I just want to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep... and stay awake.

Im here to talk... I am always up late.. and I guess if I don't see you on late at night I will figure your getting sleep, and thats great!

Good Luck
Melissa
Live, Laugh, Love


Littleneck
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 599
   Posted 9/20/2009 3:24 AM (GMT -7)   
The past few nights I've been up really late because I'm almost better from the flu, and my sleep schedule is off. I've found a nice way to relax a little bit before going to bed: I turn off all the lights in the house and go outside and sit on my back porch steps. Tonight I listened to the little breeze in the cottonwood branches, watched the night clouds and the layers of the Milky Way, saw stars glimmer in and in between clouds. It always makes me think of being a kid and sleeping outside in summer and fall, and learning about the constellations and how the earth worked.... very relaxing.
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