My pain is bringing my husband down...

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SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 9/19/2009 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband told me today that whenever I am in a lot of pain, it brings him down. It was like a stab in the heart. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring him down. I don't want to depress him or anything. But I can't make my pain disappear. Believe me, I wish I could. I just don't know what to do. I don't think he knows how much that hurt me. I know that it is hard on him to see me in pain, but I didn't know that it brought him down. I just really don't know what to do. I can't think of anything to do. What can I do? Sometimes I wonder if he would be better off without me around. I just feel so helpless.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss
 


Splendidlife
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 9/19/2009 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Sassy,
 
Further dialogue with your husband could help. Perhaps you could ask him for ideas about how you BOTH could be working to shift the energy. Humor sure can help eleviate a lot of tension. You're a team, the two of you.  If he's initiated telling you how this has been effecting him, he could be ready to work on a solution that would benefit you both. I know that, on my worst days, being around me is like living under a black cloud. It always lifts when I get out of the house... Perhaps you could plan easy and enjoyable outings together.
 
Although my Fibromyalgia is new to me, I suffered with chronic pain from nerve injury a few years back, where I was down for over a year. The only thing that really helped shake the clouds was forcing myself up and out... no matter how much pain I was in. Keeping active sure seems to be ultra important with Fibro too.
 
Before you go down the path of thinking your husband would be better off without you, perhaps you could look at his statement as him reaching out toward co-creating something better for you both.
 
Hugs for you!
Rachel
"You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
- R. Buckminster Fuller


SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 9/19/2009 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Splendid. I tried talking to my hubby about what I could do to try not to drag him down, but he just shrugged his shoulders. I just don't know what to do. I love my husband with all my heart, and I just want him to be happy. I hate that I have fibro because it makes him unappy and sad.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss
 


Splendidlife
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, in my opinion, he eventually will need to be part of the solution. My guess is, he could be getting depressed too. And he probably won't just snap out of it on his own. Be certain that you can only be responsible for yourself. That means that he'll probably notice changes (changes you make independently) in you before he buys it that there's hope. Either way, you'll be better off if you create a new pattern of positive activity for yourself. I'm no expert on Fibro, but I do have professional experience in Psychology. If you start creating something good for yourself, he'll notice. The energy will have to shift.
 
Don't give up on you!
Rachel
"You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
- R. Buckminster Fuller


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Please don't feel responsible for your husband's moods. They are his own. You don't blame him for your fibro. He shouldn't blame you for his moods. Though it probably does feel that way to him, it really isn't.

I agree with Splendidlife, try to get out and do something together. Something simple and easy for you. This could help so much.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SassyMyKitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   
We try to get out and do stuff together, but he is usually tired on the weekends after a long week at work, so he mainly just wants to hang around the house. I am spending the night at my grandma's tonight. I'll be doing laundry while I am there. Hopefully the time to himself will make him feel a little better. For some reason, when I am gone, he also gets stuff done around the house. I don't know why that is. So I am praying that he will do the kitchen while I am gone. I know he has depression, but he refuses to be treated for it.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss
 


Splendidlife
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   

You start getting out for yourself and bring back a fresh energy to the house... I bet he'll feel it and slowly respond.

 

Take care of you!


Rachel
"You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
- R. Buckminster Fuller


crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/19/2009 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Sassy, you recieved some great advice, I just wanted to send hugs. Hang in there!
 
Robin

WhiteChocChip
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 9/19/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I think your husband is communicating that he cares for you and is sad when you don't feel good.
My husband is great with me. He really doesn't like to see me in pain and he's very confused how I can have the energy to pounce on him and tickle him to death one day ... and I am barely able to move the next.
Maybe if your husband did something like gently rubbing Icy Hot onto your sore spots that would help him feel like he was accomplishing something to help you. I bet he's depressed because he feels that he's unable to help you and men like to fix things. I'm always saying stuff like, "IcyHot me, baby!" to make it sound like a come-on! Yesterday, my husband and I treated eachother to a Spa Day at home. He helped me dye my hair and do my nails, and I gave him a massage and brought him grapes. It was great and we really got to bond, just relaxing together and watching Anime while my nails dried. You might also try getting your husband to gently help you stretch out. I think that if he helps you do things that diminish your pain, he will be less sad.

Nana Monster
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 952
   Posted 9/19/2009 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Sassy,
    I've been in your spot. My man has been with me for 15 years and has been with me through countless
surgeries (heart cath, female fixes, tumor removal, knee surgery, etc). I know it's been hard on him seeing
me sliced and diced so many times. Put this on top of the arthritis and fibro. I went into the hospital for
a routine procedure and ended up in ICU with my blood pressure so low I couldn't have anything for the
pain. A storm front was moving in and it was one of my roughest times yet. He's been there through me
writhing and moaning on the couch in agony...taking so many painkillers that I went to work spaced out
from lack of sleep and fighting off the aftereffects of the drugs.    cry  
    Humor definately helps. He found he had to slow way down for me to keep up. Now I've been doing
a new herbal regeime and he no longer has to listen to me up all night or to wait for me to catch up
with him when he is walking. I hope you find what works for you, sometimes it seems to take forever;
but it's out there...just waiting for you to find it.   :-)
          Nana Monster

Lovingagreyhound
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/19/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I am right there with you! My husband just gets in a pissy mood... and acts like i can control how I feel.

Yeah I have good days too and maybe 4 days were I can barely move. He thinks this is all put on by me.

I have no support at all. I am in this all on my own, I feel too it's my fault and that he would be better without me, and I have told

him this. " Just put me in a nursing home" and leave me there! I can't live with him.. I can't live without him.

The drugs are so goofy... sometimes I am ok with the first dose, then the mid day dose and I am in so much pain.

I give you big hugs, stay tight, and lift your head high. Your not alone!

melissa smilewinkgrin
Live, Laugh, Love

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