Wallowing (self abuse and pity)

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watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/22/2009 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Looking out the window wondering what this new clinic and doctor will bring in my headphones i hear the line

Stand alone, nothings real anymore,

Staring at my sleeping cats, paperwork scattered on the floor i feel almost like i'm standing outside watching me post this as i think chew on an ativan, and wonder just like the song i'm listening to says "to stay myself just a little longer" when did i really become this detached? Sighing, the song ends and i look towards the fridge might go open it so i can remember that my medicine really is in the cabinet...

Shaking my head lost in fibro fog i watch the metal chopstick i was using to hold down that tea thingy-ma-bobber crash to the glass coffee table and startle my friend who is going to go hold my hand today awake. As he jumps from the chair he was snoozing in he rubs his head and mutters why did i drink that sake? looking at my x rated sake cup laying over turned spilled on to my glasses all i can do is half smile and roll my eyes. picking up the offending chopstick my hand refuses to operate due to a lack of cordination i poke the stupid tea thing again watching as a tea leaf escapes i find i feel just like i had the hang over, but oh wait i rarely drink, and never got the pleasure to drowned myself in self abuse, just the hang over...

As a love song assaults my pesky mood of apathy and wonder of why i keep bothering to go to doctor after doctor, i stab at the floating tea leaf as if to sink it and the good luck it superstiously represents. Watching my large german friend pace on my patio smoking and glaring at the sun i smile that at least i have my sunglasses on reducing the headache some i hope at least and think humm maybe i'll join him. Since i'm quitting i have had this pack a week and a half, but this morning seems quit fitting, to my delight i noticed the air has turned cold here reducing my vomiting a bit a tiny smile i look around and wonder....




Where is that stupid hoodie again? hummm guess i'll go find out and see if i actually have some coffee to give the poor guy... though he did almost polish off my bottle of really nice expensive sake, sigh.

I'll post later after the foul mood and the visit to the pain specialist passes. Love to all for listening to my whine.

crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/22/2009 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Watashi, Wishing you the best of luck with this new doctor. I have hope that this doctor will
be the one to give you answers, and put you on the path of finding pain relief.

Do not give up hope, BELIEVE

Robin
MCTD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, Degenerative 
 Disc Disease, Hypertension, Migraines and Pseudothrombocytopenia MEDS: Methotrexate, Savella,Flexeril,Diltiazem, Boniva, Vitamins 


Marlee2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 9/22/2009 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Watashi, I just told my DH a few minutes ago that somewhere along the line my hands and brain stopped communicating. My brain hasn't been communicating with any body parts or anything else for the past few weeks. smilewinkgrin I dumped a bag of rice chips all over me and the couch last night, I left two containers of dog food on the counter open, that had to be thrown away, and I walked right by them I don't know how many times, I have messed up bills this month with my bill paying card right before my eyes and I argued with the pharmacist this morning over a rx that I needed filled cause I was out, to find when I went into the kitchen I was arguing with her over the wrong rx, I wasn't even out of the one I was telling her I was out of. shakehead
 
Oh where, oh where did my little brain go. shocked I'm not on narcotics so I can't blame it on that. But I do know the more I have on my mind the less it functions so you might be thinking about the doc app so much your not paying attention to other things. I've also been having some horrible headaches which doesn't help our ability to think clearly.
 
I hope the app goes great and your brain will return to normal afterwards. I'm also glad your friend is going with you so you will get there safely, oh wait a minute, he has a hangover. Get yourself there safely. smilewinkgrin
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
Fibro,Sjogrens, Anxiety, Gastroparesis, IBS, Gastritis, Allergies, High Blood Pressure, Low Blood Sodium, Osteoarthritis and Celiac
 
Amitriptyline, Celexa, Xanax, Synthroid, Zyrtec, Micardis, Spironalactone, Tylenol, Reglan, Lidoderm Patches, Carafate and Prilosec
 
Vit D/calcium


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/22/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Part 2 has arrived!! After reviving my friend... omg i really did have coffee here, i'm a tea drinker. We walked out to his truck... I'm only 4'9 sooo this huge ford f 150 with a lift kit leaves me scratching my head. Sighing i lifted my arms and he shacks his head and says lets take your car, i know it hurts to be touched.

Well what do you get when you add a 6'4 dude and a standard honda civic? A great laugh looks like those clowns in tiny cars.

After fighting the road construction we get there and i start doing pain eval paper work, after a long process i finally see the doctor, after another hour there is hope... hope? i've been looking for that for over 4 years now, not just narcotic hope... they did put me on a narcotic pain med. but i have been in so much pain i vomit, and it just sets the huge flare into over drive. Along the way she gets me an appointment with one of the top pain psychology drs. in the area, oh how badly i need to see him somedays i only cope cus you are all here to understand. <luvs, hugs> After that they got me an appointment in 2 days to start p.t. All i have wanted thru this journey was help, not pills, not excuses, actual hope and real help to learn to live again, and today i found hope.

My fam. dr. is a good doc. he is just not able to do what i need done with fibro. right now he is mad i know lol, but whats wrong with pain control, psych help to learn how to better cope, and P.T. that i can get all at the same clinic. When i went i knew what i wanted all i wanted to get was help. my fam. dr. seems to think that all this place will do is addict me to narcotics, and it wasn't about that at all it was many professionals working solely to get me back to a happy and functioning.

Hum, what a relief to have hope, it makes me sad that there are so many doctors that refuse to get people the help they really really need!!

Lots of luv & hugs
Satsumi

Jhemi
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 9/22/2009 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Watashi...I think the problem might lie in the fact that they really don't know what we really need yet.

I am using celexa and neurontin which helps me. It doesn't completely handle the pain but it does make it much easier on me.

It breaks my heart to hear you are in pain and nothing is being done for you. I'm sure you will find something that will help.

Jhemi

crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 9/22/2009 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Watashi, I am so glad that today you found hope. Without hope it is hard to have faith that
things will get better. I do believe that this clinic just might be the path of finding pain relief.

Take Care,

Robin
MCTD, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, Degenerative 
 Disc Disease, Hypertension, Migraines and Pseudothrombocytopenia MEDS: Methotrexate, Savella,Flexeril,Diltiazem, Boniva, Vitamins 


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 9/22/2009 5:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hehe i need to clarify, i am deliriously happy, overjoyed, relieved and full of hope here now i am home from my first appointment.

The state i live in has the highest rate of rx pain med abuse there is, so almost 100% of the time you need to be referred by your main treating doctor. Well mine is so very against them that after 4 years of begging i decided to call the pain clinic, i told them my situation. And to great surprise they said sure, we will send you out the pre-eval paper work, and just make sure to bring your dr. records, and all the other usual b.s.

Well, i went in, took my drug test <nothing to worry about> i'm a normal person who takes my stuff as prescribed and don't use recreational drugs. Went thru the pre-exam. And then met the first of many doctors.

She comes in and of course has to poke all trigger points i cry, it hurts. but she was so nice and gentle. We decide that cymbalta isn't helping me for pain or depression, and start with a plan to wean off it and start going up on wellbutrin, oh wow a change! how nice. Thinking to myself wow she is actually listening to me!!! Next we assess pain, we talk and decide that the throbbing stabbing migraine most likely caused by the muscle on the left side of my neck thats been in a never ending spasms and super tender trigger point for months on end now was the highest priority. zanaflex isn't helping.... so we decide on a trigger point injection, now finally i can feel it loosening up for the first time in uh ever! since the pain cycle is being broken slowly here we decide on hydrocodone 10 to see if we can keep it at bay, but she made sure to tell me like 10 times if it isn't enough to call her!! All ready i am just a happy camper, and thats a long shot i hate nature and it hate me hehe.

As we all know drugs alone is not enough, there is so much more to the answer of being able to live to our full potential!!

Next we start discussing depression, i am so very depressed. But thankfully not suicidal <anymore> and i must give credit where due it's a very HUGE thanks to each and one of you very beautiful, understanding, and loving souls. You are all so special to me i can never ever show just how grateful i am, to my mom for telling me to read a forum. And my wild whim to post and the understanding and acceptance you have all shown me!

Well anyways back to topic, hummm i wonder did i forget my A.D.D. med? looks so lol. She suggests that i go see a psychologist who specializes in deal with long term pain. Happily i make the appointment and with good luck he had a cancellation so only a month before i get my first eval. At this point i am so very happy the help i need, want, and begged for is just being happily given to. The doctor seemed so happy at my eagerness' to participate.

Next we talk about physical therapy and again happily i make the appointment, that even better is in the same office!! so on thursday i go for that first appointment. I am looking forward to learning new stretching and exercises to help myself feel better everyday!!

In two weeks I return to see the doctor who perscribe's my meds to me so we can slowly add or reduce things to see if they are effective. I absolutely love this plan of treatment i feel so lucky today that i got to go this place. For the first time i leave the doctors office with a brand new hope and faith in a realistic treatment plan, one that don't just throw pills at it or ignore it!!

My family doctor is really against me going to see the pain clinic, it's sad to me that help and hope i really need was with held from me all because in his ignorance, or pride... not sure which one he seems to think the only outcome will be an terrible addiction to pain pills. He told me all they would do is throw narcotics at me. Don't get me wrong he is a great doctor when i get a cold, twisted ankle, need by back popped back into place, i have hyper-mobility they tend to wander now and then, and he is a D.O. I think we are both adult and professional enough that we can move past this, maybe he can learn from my experience, or at least agree to disagree.

Luvs and Soft hugs or air hugs to everyone!!!

Satsumi

Statgeek
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1495
   Posted 9/22/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Satsumi, your writing is so poetic and beautiful. It is like listening to music sometimes.

I am really glad you got some help and a doctor listened to you and hope the pain psyhologist and pt give you some relief, too. What did you have injected for the trigger point injection? I have had novacain and later botox. I am pretty sure I had a rare bad reaction to the last botox injection. It took weeks to recover. But that is not normal, I've heard. I will not try it again, though. I think that life changes (not holding shoulders up by ears when I remember), relaxation, light massage, changing thinking, biofeedback, pt exercises will be it for me - and the occasional oxycodone.

Someone said she is more physically fit now with fibro because she is forced to exercise. I will try more of that. Does exercise help you?
Sue
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