Struggling Husband

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello.  First post.
 
My wife started suffering from fibro and CFS about 18 months ago.
 
The main thing I'm struggling with is her lack of activity.  It seems she has the energy to do things that she really wants to do, but has almost completely stopped helping around the house.  She spends almost all of her time in bed, either on her laptop (Facebook) or watching TV.
 
What makes things worse is how critical she is of me and the job that I'm doing.  Also, I think she is having an emotional affair through facebook, texting, and phone calls when I'm asleep or at work.
 
We have two small kids (7 and 10).  She claims that she's easily irritated by them due to her sensitivity to sound, so she isn't really all that active with them anymore.  She's pushing her parents away.
 
Hard to describe all of this in one post.
 
Guess my question is, if my wife is able to "go out" once every couple of weeks, shouldn't she be able to empty a dishwasher or fold laundry?  Why isn't she finishing homework with the kids between when they get home (2:30) and I get home (5:30)?
 
There are so many problems between us right now.  I'm trying to focus less on her "friends", but am finding myself very angry that she's seeking attention from other men while I'm feeling like a single father.
 
What is reasonable, given that she seems to have energy when excited about things - like going out for drinks on a weekend, or meeting one of her 'friends' down by the river for a couple of hours in the middle of the night?
 
HELP?!?!?!?!?!?

nomadicmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:40 AM (GMT -7)   
First off huge hugs. I honestly think the problems are not FMS. There seems to be more going on in your marriage that is causing the strife.

For example, I have 2 small children, stay at home, but I lean on my husband. He and I are very close. He works very hard to help me when I am in pain and he understands the amount of pain I experiance and the amount of exhaustion I experiance. However, I try very hard to keep the house tidy and fix dinner every day. It's not always possible. I usually text him and say "today's a bad day, can you handle dinner or do you just want to pick something?" Or I'll say, "just a warning the house is a mess, can you help me clean when you get home?"

I know you are hurting. However I have a hard time sympathizing with someone who is complaining about something alot of us deal with. I think you two really need to talk about this, maybe even with a counselor. She needs to know how you feel about her leaning on other people, not you. You need to find out why she is not leaning on you. Perhaps she feels you dont undertsand what she goes through. To be honest, if you dont experiance this, you really dont understand.

Is she in treatment? Perhaps the treatment isnt working and she may need encouragment to seek more help. Also, ask her what you can do to help her. Maybe offer to rub aching muscles and joints, or make her some soothing tea and run her a bath. Something simple that shows you want her to feel better.

I dont know, its really hard to offer advice in this situation. I experiance alot of what your wife experiances. So yes, there are days where I can barely function. There are days when I dont feel like folding the laundrey. There are days when getting up and fixing breakfast for my kids is about all I can do.

Try to be understanding on how debilitating this is. You really need to talk to her. That's the only way to repair what is going on between you two. I'm very sorry this has happened and you feel out of the loop. Perhaps she just needs to know you are trying to understand. Coming here and getting advice from fellow sufferers is a good step to show you are trying to understand this.

Good luck.

nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Been reading as I'm waiting for a reply. Seems like the general consensus is that she really should be moving more - trying to stay active - moderate exercise - everything the doctors have already told her. But she has refused to take this advice.

Was reading another thread about setting small daily goals - clean out a drawer - re-fold linens, etc., This is all I'm asking. Something. If she could do some light cleaning or housework for just 30 minutes per day I think EVERYONE - including her - would be much happier.

Is this not reasonable? To ask her to work to make herself better? To ask for help with the small things that aren't getting done right now?

nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
nomadicmom - Thanks for the reply.
 
We have been in marriage therapy for a couple of months, but I don't feel like she's taking it seriously.  This started when she got her iphone - something she was excited about and able to get out of the house to do - and I found 2,500 texts to an old high school friend on the first month's bill.
 
I've been trying, but I don't feel like she is making any effort.  She missed our last appointment because she went to breakfast with a friend and lost track of time.
 
She is being treated, but its mostly just supplements.  She only goes to the doctor every few months.
 
We have put a deposit down on a hot tub.  But once again - this just seems like a "passive" solution to her problems.  No effort required to soak in a tub.  But I'm praying it helps.
 
Yesterday - for example - I can't think of ONE THING she did around the house.  But, she was critical of me because I could have been doing laundry while watching football (with her).  I had to go into work for 4 hours in the morning, then I had to do the typical weekend yard work, cooked dinner, and I did manage to do one load of laundry.  Yet all I heard about was what I didn't do.

nomadicmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Walking is amazing!! Even when I hurt REALLY bad, taking my dog for a potty break is night and day. Do you live in an area where you could all take a walk in the evenings? Maybe doing it with her at first will help encourage her and help her see how beneficial it is.

Is she on any meds??? Some meds can have a depressive effect. You siad she also suffers from CFS?? Is she on anything like Adderall to help with fatigue???

nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
We've got the dog and a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood to walk in.  The only time she does so is when she steps outside to meet the kids at the bus stop after school.  I'm not really even sure she's doing that any more.
 
She is on adderal and has been on medication for depression for many years - dating back before the fibro.
 
I think depression is a major issue that is not being addressed. She says she doesn't want to go to individual therapy because she gets more depressed talking about her problems and if she's going to get out, she'd rather doing something enjoyable.

nomadicmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 10/5/2009 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
well, one thing you have to keep in mind is you cant help someone you wont help themselves... she's got to want to get better too.

Maye do some research on this board and go through old posts. See what methods other people are using and present them to her. See if she is willing to try them and perhaps ask her Dr about them. suppliments do not work for everyone. I have tried many supplimental type "fixers", but they have completly failed me. They work wonders for some. Perhaps they are not working for her.

beanley
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 10/5/2009 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with nomadicmom that there's more going on here than just fibro.

However, I will say that unlike most fibromites, exercise of any kind triggers a flare for me and I feel worse not better. I have tried really hard to walk a little each day, but finally had to admit it wasn't helping, it was hurting.

So yes, exercise is good if you can manage it, but some of us have such severe cases and are so totally disabled that we just can't and shouldn't.

Just my two cents...
fibro, migraines, ibs


FMsaddenedspirit
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 236
   Posted 10/5/2009 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi and so sorry you are having problems ..
and good for you for coming here for advise. and supporting your wife in this Dx Fibro . its a hard one .sounds like you really try .there are so many that would love to have a spouse that goes the extra step to support us and show concern enough to reach out to a Fibro support group.
 
I understand Depression. as my daughter has had problems in this area .and I to at times. the statement you made "
I think depression is a major issue that is not being addressed. She says she doesn't want to go to individual therapy because she gets more depressed talking about her problems "
the old time therapy that the Doc wants you to dredge up all the bad stuff in your life is real bad so I understand her not being to excited about going this rout.. but they have a new type of therapy its called Cognitive behavioral  therapy ..
 
this type teaches you how to catch the thoughts and turn it around kinda. so once you learn how to recognize a thought that makes you say sad. or hurt . you change your thought process to something that makes you happy . I wish my daughter was here to explain it she is so much better at this.
but its something to look at if your thinking therapy for her depression.
 
I personally would be concerned about leaving during the middle of the night . something does not sound right about this.. but also I don't know you and your spouse schedule or habits.
but in my house that would-be a great big red flag..
Mind you its not out of sorts for me to lock the front 6 foot gate with our block wall and sit at the patio table during the night if its cool out side. as my husband knows it peaceful for me during a sever pain night . I turnout the patio light and light a couple of candles. its nice. and of course I have my pug with me and the door open .
 
I do hope you can find a way to help each other. and I commend you for all you do to support your wife
 
best of luck to you

Spirit ~


watashi
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 10/5/2009 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi and wow it is so nice to see the supporting people looking for help, i have to agree there is something a bit more then fibro going on there. I have my aweful days going to school and working, but living mainly alone minus the brother who likes to stay with me i have honestly thought about a housekeeper thats more a time thing though. The idea of cognitive behavioral therapy is very useful, i work in the mental health field and i even went the route of a pain psych. it has helped a lot the mind can do really really weird things to people it's amazing really. I'm with beanly it hurts to walk, and alot of things i used to love to do i really dread them now. Honestly it hurts my butt to sit at school or work, and it also hurts to lie in bed sometimes there isn't a win win. What i find alarming is people need to find their reason to get out of bed everyday, you know the dream they chase or just something that makes them happy. I guess to try and explain it's that drive that keeps you going even when your not sure you want to anymore. I wish you the very best of luck, and hope in here you can start to find ideas that will improve things.

nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
What does "totally disabled" mean in relation to fibro? Sounds like most people here find a way to cope with things and function at some basic level most days.

Therapy sessions when the wife hasn't gone this has been a big topic. Therapist seems to think wife shouldn't be bedridden, but is simply choosing to stay in bed when convenient for her.

So hard to find advice - dealing with parenting, fibro, marriage issues (emotional affair?) and depression. Most "specialists" or advice boards usually deal with ONE of those at a time.

Thanks to all.

RedDiane
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 906
   Posted 10/5/2009 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I find some of your comments hard to figure out, since I don't know you or your wife. But I wanted to put my two cents in. I have had fibro for 25 years. No pain relievers have ever worked for me. Most of the time my main problem is overwhelming fatigue. I needed to point out to you that being on the computer or watching TV take almost no energy. In addition to reading, sometimes that's all I can do all day long. I don't stay in bed all day, because it eventually causes more pain. I hope you find some answers. Diane
Fibromyalgia since 1984, Sjogren's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Auto-immune eczema, GERD, osteoarthritis, IBS, RLS, sleep apnea


nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 10/5/2009 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes - would totally agree that the laptop and TV take no time or energy. BUT - 2 weeks ago she went out with a friend - left the house around 10 and didn't get back until around 4 am after breakfast. So she is capable of getting around when she wants to. And its not really like she's tried moderate exercise on any regular basis to know if it would make her feel better or worse.

I feel like I've been supportive - but life isn't always fun - especially with two young kids. I've been to a lot of appointments and taken on a lot of responsibility around the house, and I admit its hard to do it all with a smile on my face.

I think she's reconnected with these "friends" from high school - we are in our late 30s - because it reminds her of a time when she felt better. It just feels like she should be directing more of what little energy she has back to our family instead of old 'friends' that she hasn't talked to in years.

She claims the midnight phone calls, or drives, or a couple of confessed meetings are because she can't sleep at night and one of her friends - a married man - has insomnia.

Just so much going on - its hard to make sense of it all.

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17094
   Posted 10/5/2009 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, and welcome!  I'm sorry your family is going through all of these problems.  From what you have mentioned, there definitely are other things going on with your wife.  Depression is a biggie.  But, when it comes to fibromyalgia, if she sits or lays too long, she will be stiff as a board.  Then she will have more pain which causes more depression which causes more sitting around, etc.  She really needs to start moving and doing things.  She can't do things in the same time frame as before she developed fibro, but she can still get things done.  I know that when I first started moving, it hurt me but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life sitting around.  I had a life to live so I kept at it, a little at a time, and now I'm enjoying life, I'm more flexible, too!    
 
Attitude is a big part of fibro.  With fibro, as well as anything else, if you tell yourself you can't do it...you can't!  You usually don't even try to make the effort.  If you tell yourself you will try to do it...many times you succeed!  That's where your wife's depression plays a big part.  She doesn't seem to have the desire to do it and that's probably because of her depression.
 
See if you can get her to come on this forum.  I think we really could help her.  I think she could really start enjoying her life again.  I've had fibro for 22 years and have had a full and enjoyable life in spite of it.  We can give her ideas as how to work around fibromyalgia and also how to gain control of this illness.  She needs to be in control...not fibro being in control of her life.  We would love to have her join our family.  I'm quite sure she would like it here, too.  So, see what you can do.  I'll be looking forward to "meeting" her.
 
Sherrine    
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


springfling
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 519
   Posted 10/5/2009 7:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Sherrine is so right. Getting up and doing something even if it's just a little bit can help from getting too stiff and having more pain. I know depression can really get a person down and not feel like doing anything. It seems like your wife has just given up or maybe looking for a change as you mentioned. Seems like there is a little more than Fibro playing a part here. I hope that she will maybe start participating more in the therapy sessions and in your family's daily life. You have a lot on your shoulders right now and I commend you for taking it all on & trying to get your wife help. As someone else said...she has to want to help herself! Good luck to you and I hope she will think about joining the forum because it can really help by talking to others that understand what she is going through. Hugs,

                                                                                                      Springfling


Never regret something that made you smile!                                   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fibromyalgia*Osteoarthritis*Sleep Apnea*RLS*Menopause* Allergy/Sinus*Spurs on Spine


nice777guy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 7/8/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Bumping my own post from last October - before we separated - back when she was in the middle of two Emotional Affairs.

Reading this, it seems like we've made no progress, or perhaps even moved backwards.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 03, 2016 2:38 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,731,994 posts in 300,980 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151146 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, LadyCapricorn.
174 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
LindaOZ, InquisitiveOne, getting by, maria2016


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer